by Sara Arden
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t be married to you, always waiting for the call.”
He knew exactly what call she meant. “Fine, when my tour is up, I won’t reenlist.”
“You can’t do that. That isn’t what you want.”
“What I want is to provide for you.”
“I don’t need that from you. I have a pretty stable life. I built that myself.” She splayed her hand across her heart. “I have a business that I run. With the morning sickness, I’ve been taking time off and scheduling things as it suits my health.”
“Really? Are you going to be able to get under a Hyundai when you’re six months pregnant?”
“No, but I have savings. I’m not struggling. I saved a lot of that insurance money from my parents’ estate. I’m fine. We will be fine.”
“Then what do you want from me?”
“I want you to do what you want. If you want to be part of this child’s life, then be present. But if not…”
“There is no ‘if not,’ Kentucky. Of course I want to be involved. No, I don’t just want to be involved—I want to be a father.”
“Good. I’m glad.”
“But I want to be part of your life, too. I guess I understand why you’d say no. Right now I’m no good for you. It’s not fair to ask you that until I can offer you everything I’m promising for real.” He hoped she heard the determination in his voice.
She sighed. “It’s not that, Sean. It’s who you are.”
“Are you saying you don’t love me anymore?”
“Never said I did love you.” Her tone was gentle, but she was defensive and he understood why.
“Say you don’t, Tuck.” He wished he could touch her face so he could show her with that caress how he felt about her. He knew he could say he loved her and wanted to be with her, but she wouldn’t believe him. She’d already made that clear. So he’d have to take a different tack.
“I don’t.” She looked away from him for a long moment, then whipped her head around, fire in her eyes. “Oh, you are so lucky that you’re in traction, because I would kick your ass. How dare you use that against me?”
He couldn’t help the smirk that curved his mouth. “So you do love me.”
Sean also couldn’t help the bloom of satisfaction in his gut. He was going to win her and this family they’d started.
“Yes, I do love you, Sean. But you’re the risk I can’t take.”
“What does that mean, my wild girl?”
“It means that you’re the thing I can’t stand to lose, so I’d rather not have you. Especially not because you feel some kind of duty to me.”
“I know you won’t believe me now, but maybe later on you will. After I’ve proven myself to you. But, Kentucky, I will prove myself. You were all I thought about, getting back to you, hearing your voice again, touching your face… I do love you.”
She gave him a sad smile. “That’s even worse. You know everyone who loves me dies.”
“Where is all your fire? Where’s the ‘both feet first’ girl who took me to Mossy Rock because she knew what I needed more than I did? You weren’t afraid of the future then. Why now?” He searched her face. “Unless it’s not you that you don’t have faith in but me.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Why not? I want to know what’s wrong so I can fix it.”
“You can’t fix everything, Sean. As much as I wish you could.”
“Does it look like I think I can fix everything? Look at me. I’m in fucking traction and I can’t touch you, hold you, comfort you or even kiss you. If I thought I could fix everything, I’d fix that first.”
“If you could fix everything, what would you do?”
The question punched him in the gut. “Honestly, I don’t know. Everything shitty that’s happened has brought us to this point. It’s made us who we are. To change any of it would change this moment. I’ll let you doubt anything except the part where I’m already in complete and utter love with this child. I wouldn’t trade that for anything or anyone.”
She nodded slowly. “Okay, I guess I can give you that.”
“When are we due?”
“March 10.”
“Give me until then to prove that I want you for more than just duty.”
“No, it’s not about only that, Sean.”
“You’re telling me that we have no chance of a future together?” Her meaning was a knife in his gut that just kept twisting around, slicing through him.
“That’s what I’m saying.”
He didn’t believe that. He refused to believe that. Sean knew that she loved him, had always loved him. He loved her. These were the ingredients for the happy ending he knew they both deserved.
She just had to see that for herself.
He didn’t want to push her away or put more on her than what she could handle. “After talking to the doc, it looks like I’m going to get out of here in about a month. I’ve got reconstructive surgeries on both hands tomorrow. They’re bringing in a whole team of surgeons to fix what’s broke.”
“Yeah?” she asked softly.
“Yeah and if you can give me one thing, give me this time.”
“What do you mean?” She cocked her head to the side.
“Come see me while I’m here, while I’m healing. Don’t leave me to do it alone. I want to see you. Don’t keep yourself from me.”
“Sean…”
“Hey, no strings. I’m not asking you to be anything that we’re not already. We started as friends—we should still be friends. Now we’re having a baby together. Bring yourself and the baby to me until I can come to you.” He met her eyes, hoping she could see the earnest truth in his own. “Please.”
The wary expression on her face softened into something else. “You’re not going to make this easy, are you?”
“I’d try to make everything easy if you’d give me the chance.” But how could she believe him? He’d yet to prove himself to be anything more than anyone else in her life.
“I’ll come to see you, but only if you promise not to push. If we can just be Sean and Kentucky like we were before Mossy Rock.”
“There’s no going back. There’s no undoing. We’re having a child together—I’m not going to pretend that’s not happening. And it’s not okay that you’d ask me to.” He inclined his head. “But I can say I won’t pressure you about anything. I hope that’s good enough.”
She nodded slowly. “I can do that.”
And she did.
After he had the surgery to begin repairing his hands, she came every day. She brought him books and read to him. They discussed things like politics and movies, current events, the weather, and every day, he asked how she was feeling.
He didn’t want a generic “Okay” or “I’m fine.” He genuinely wanted to know, wanted to be included in every last detail.
As soon as his hands and arms were out of traction, he started physical therapy and every day was a struggle and a fight to use his limbs again, but he was determined. Maybe Kentucky didn’t need him to be able to provide for them, but he did. He needed it for himself. He needed that light to come back to her eyes.
He needed her to see him like her hero again. He just wasn’t sure how to do it.
One thing he did know was that he wouldn’t get there with useless hands. So even when moving them as he went through the range-of-motion therapy exercises was more painful than the original injury, he kept going, pushed through.
After a few weeks, he finally felt he’d made progress when she came to see him and he could touch her face.
She sat in the chair next to him, brought him pancakes and a real fork—still a challenge, but one he welcomed. He reached out and cupped her cheek, stroking the arch with his thumb.
He’d dreamed of that moment for so long in that dark hell. Touching her beautiful face, telling her with his hands how beautiful she was, what she meant to him. Hoping she could feel it and know his truth.
> A year ago, Sean never would’ve imagined this was where his life would lead. To Kentucky Lee. He couldn’t let her go now that he’d found her.
He thought about all the things he’d done as a pilot, wondered if he’d ever do them again. Suddenly, they weren’t as important as getting Kentucky to believe not only that he was in love with her, but that this was also the life he wanted and they could have it together. That no one was going to take it away from them.
She turned her face into his caress and as much as he wanted to speak the words to her again, he decided to take what she’d offered in this moment and not ask for more. She’d asked him for time, asked him not to pressure her.
He’d promised.
But it had been so long since he’d touched her. It was as if his hands were hungry for her skin—as if they were sentient beings and only the touch of her could nourish them. Hell, just being close to her nourished him.
He wondered if he could ever be that for her.
It was a weird dichotomy that she’d spent her teens loving him and now he was the one hoping for a casual smile or absentminded caress.
He decided to treat this like a military campaign, a mission. He’d scope out her defenses and make a plan to break them down so he could obtain the objective—a forever with her.
She took his hand and held it in her own as though it were a small injured bird, stroking the back of his hand, each of his fingers, tracing over the mangled scar tissue. “You’re doing so well. The doctor said you’ve almost got your full range of motion back. Do you know when you’ll go back to active duty?”
“I’m not sure. My tour of duty is over and I could get out.”
She seemed to scoff. “Then what would you do?”
“I don’t know. Maybe fly commercial airliners. Work for Eric.”
“You’d rather hang yourself. You said so yourself.”
“There’s something here that’s more important to me than flying Black Hawks.” He looked at her meaningfully.
“You can’t do that. It’s your calling. You were right when you said that the world needs men like you.”
“But my child is kind of more important.”
She pursed her lips and looked away but then straightened her spine and met his gaze squarely. “Teaching our child to pursue her dreams is important, too. Would you want her to give up her passion if she didn’t have to?”
“Of course not, but this isn’t her. It’s me. Maybe being spec ops isn’t what I want out of life anymore.”
“You don’t have to choose.”
“I’m seriously considering Eric’s offer with his company.”
“It’s the same thing, right?”
“Kind of, but not really. I mean, I’ll be going into war zones. I’ll be doing mercenary work, which really isn’t as romantic as it sounds.”
“That doesn’t sound romantic at all,” Kentucky said.
“It’s not, but he needs a pilot.”
“If it’s the same basic work, why not just stay in the army?” She cocked her head to the side, her expression quizzical.
“Because I’d have more freedom. I could choose not to take missions and ops. If our son or daughter has something important, like a soccer championship or a recital, theoretically, I can be home. I mean, I’d still have to work, so I know I’d miss some things, but not everything. Not like it would be if I was constantly deployed.”
“You’ve given this a lot of thought?”
“Enough. I haven’t decided. I guess it depends on you. I know that Winchester wasn’t where you wanted to spend your life. Betty’s finished, isn’t she? Didn’t you always say when she was done you were going to hit the road and never look back on this burg?”
She gave him an indulgent smile. “I guess I did say that.”
“What are your plans?” he prompted softly. This was the first time he’d broached the issue. He’d not wanted to rock the boat with her coming to see him, so he’d just let things ride. But it was time to start making plans or at least discussing them.
“First, I want to say thank you for asking.”
“What do you mean? What else am I going to do?”
She shrugged. “I see it all the time. Friends who’ve been roped into situations they didn’t want because of custody issues or their partner just wanting to have control.”
“Kids aren’t supposed to be weapons. It’s not like I can’t do what I do and be based anywhere. I may not want to move to wherever you had in mind, but you do. You just got pregnant—you didn’t suddenly become a different person.”
“Maybe I did in a way. Can I tell you something?”
“Anything.”
“I still haven’t finished Betty. I realized that she represented freedom to me, which was something I didn’t think I had. I thought breaking out of Winchester, Kansas, was what meant freedom to me. But I have enough money to just go, if I really wanted to.”
She seemed to be searching for the right words.
“Now it doesn’t?”
“No.” She shook her head. “See, I’ve had that freedom all along. I’m completely, utterly unfettered by anything. There’s nothing holding me here. Or anywhere. That’s the problem. I don’t want to be tossed around on uncertain seas. I want roots. I want a family. And I realized I had that, too. With you.” Then she rushed to add, “With Rachel, Lynnie and Eric, too. Sometimes family is a choice.”
“So you’re going to stay here?”
She nodded. “I love my business, and I love the people here. I want our baby to have a network of friends, family—those roots that will hold her grounded and strong but give her wings, too.”
“I like that way of looking at things.”
“Were you really going to move to wherever I wanted to go? I was seriously considering Vegas. There’s a great market there for restored Bettys. I could have a pretty thriving business.”
He turned up his nose. “Vegas is dirty, loud and expensive. And hot as hell.”
“It’s a dry heat.” Kentucky grinned.
“So is the sun,” he grumbled. “But of course I’d go.”
“You’ve done everything you said you would so far.” She nodded. “I wanted to tell you that it means so much to me. Not just because I want my way, but because it makes me feel safe. It makes me feel like I really can do this. We can do this and we don’t have to lose each other.”
“Why would we have to lose each other?”
“Fighting over things with the baby. Where I’m going to live, the job you’re going to have, what brand of car seat to use, who will pay for what…” She shrugged. “Stupid stuff where we forget what we meant to each other.”
“That is never going to happen. I promise you, Kentucky.” It was a promise he meant to keep, the same as any other that passed his lips. “Maybe we should start hammering out some of those things.”
Her hand went down to her belly, and then she laughed. “I’m not even showing yet, but whenever I have something I need to think about, I just seem to use it as a kind of touchstone.”
“She won’t lead you wrong, I’m sure.”
“Do you think it’s a girl or a boy?”
“We seem to keep saying she, so maybe it’ll be a girl.”
“Would that disappoint you?” she asked tentatively.
“Of course not. Healthy is all I care about.”
“Me, too.” She sighed. “If it is a girl, I want her middle name to be Lynnette. Would that be weird for you?” She pressed her lips together. “I mean, naming your child after your ex. That’s weird, right?”
“No. She was our best friend. We loved her. We still love her.” But that doesn’t take away anything from the way I feel about you, he wanted to say. “If it’s a boy, his middle name should be Lyn, too. New life honoring what’s lost.” He nodded.
She flung her arms around him then. “Thank you.”
Oh Christ, but it felt so good to hold her. To feel her softness pressed up against him in perfect trust
. He was starved for her—the feel of her in his arms, the scent of her hair, the softness of her skin.
He could drown in her forever.
“Stay with me,” he whispered. When she stiffened and began to pull away, he added, “Just for a little while. Just let me hold you.”
She sniffed a giggle. “I’ve heard that before. I know where that leads.”
“Nowhere you don’t want it to go.” He searched her face. “I’ve kept all of my other promises. Won’t you believe I’ll keep this one?”
15
KENTUCKY ALLOWED HIM to lean back on the hospital bed and take her with him.
It felt better than anything had in a long time. It felt better even than the first time he’d touched her. The first time he’d made love to her.
She almost believed that she could lay down her burdens on his shoulders and he’d be her shelter, her home, her forever.
It was what he’d offered.
But she knew he’d offered it only out of duty. The worst part was, she knew he’d talked himself into believing it was actually what he wanted. She was going to save him from that. She didn’t want him to wake up ten years from now wondering where the hell his life had gone and wishing he hadn’t made this choice. She didn’t want him to give up being a pilot, give up what he felt was his purpose in life just because she couldn’t handle it.
Lying there, cradled in his arms as if she were some kind of treasure, touched places inside her that she’d known were sore without understanding just how broken, how exposed, how very raw they actually were until he strummed them with his kindness and his devotion.
Thinking that her future could be filled with moments like this one almost lulled her into a sense of complacency. Of letting herself say yes to a future with him.
Until fear reared its ugly head and whispered to her all the ways he could, and would, be taken from her.
Until it reminded her what it would be like, even if he worked with Eric—God, then she’d be waiting to hear about losing them both.
There was a new voice in the back of her mind, though, that reminded her what it meant to love someone. It meant opening yourself to pain, to loss, to suffering. But when had that ever stopped her before?