by Dizzy Hooper
Landen groans. "You sure?"
"Hell, yes." I reach for him, and he drops to his knees before me. Together, we get his pants pulled down. The instant his cock springs free, my mouth waters. I lean in, rubbing my face on that thick flesh, breathing in the scent of mate and home and sex and possession.
Even as I'm worshipping Landen's length, Colt grasps me by the hips. He didn't need an express invitation. He presses his cock against the meat of my ass, letting me feel the hot, silky girth of him. I spread my legs for him, showing off my dripping cunt.
Grasping Landen by his base, I open my mouth. Just as his thick head glides over my tongue, Colt lines himself up with my pussy.
They press in together, filling me up, and I shudder with pleasure. I squeeze down around Colt and force my throat open for Landen. Their groans make me preen. I grab Landen by the hip and draw him deeper, while shoving myself back onto Colt at the same time. My body sings, my blood hot.
At my encouragement, they double team me, thrusting in as one, only to retreat a second later. The moments I spend empty feel like torture, while every time they push back in I glow with ecstasy.
I try to goad them to fuck my pussy and my throat faster, but they keep a smooth, even, maddening pace. The entire time I've been fat with their pups, they've refused to use me as roughly as I wish they would, but I can't blame them. They're only taking care of me, only giving me all the gentleness they believe that I deserve, and it's maddening, it's wonderful.
But God, I want them to fuck me out of my mind. I want to be so thoroughly taken that there's nothing left in this world but them and their cocks and the perfect ways our bodies fit together.
As it is, it's so close to being perfect. So close to what I need.
The room fills with the wet sounds of sex. Landen and Colt groan, and I whine, right on the edge of climax but unable to go over.
Then Grady hauls himself to sitting. His broad palm at the center of my spine makes lightning gather deep inside me. He puts his other hand on my breast, squeezing tender flesh.
And that's it. I tip over into orgasm, and it's intense and sweet, sharp and right. Behind me, Colt stutters in his movements. His cock jerks and throbs, flooding me with another hot load. Landen fucks my throat for another half dozen strokes, then pulls out. Wet stripes of his release land on my cheek and lips. He lets a few fall on my tongue, then shoves back inside my mouth to finish there, and I drink every single drop down, and it's good. It's so good.
So why do I still feel like I'm missing something?
Surrounded by my perfect mates, why does this tiny part of me still feel abandoned?
Alone?
Chapter 2
My charade lasts all of three days.
After even an intense round of lovemaking with all three of my mates failed to pull me out of my funk, I resigned myself to it. Pregnancy hormones are powerful things, especially in shifters. Yes, I am grieving the loss of my family in a way I haven't since the night they turned me out. But it will pass.
In the meantime, I throw myself into wrapping up the few remaining work projects I have going and making preparations for our babies' arrival. The nursery needs painting, and we don't have nearly enough diapers and wipes and clothes and bottles for three pups.
As I run around, trying to see to everything, I keep a cheery smile plastered on my face. I'm too busy to dwell on the empty space inside my heart. If I keep moving, I can pretend that everything is all right. My mates won't see the way my family's absence is eating at me.
Yeah. Right.
I know the gig is up the day I come downstairs after a shower to find Grady sitting grimly at the head of the table. Landen and Colt's idle bickering comes to a grinding halt. I glance between my three mates, but no one will meet my gaze.
I swallow past the lump that's suddenly lodged itself in my throat. "Good morning?"
Landen turns off the burner on the stove, but he doesn't move to plate the bacon and eggs he's been cooking. He gives me a kiss on the cheek, then directs me toward Colt. Life-saver that he is, Colt places a cup of coffee in my hand. I accept it gratefully and take a sip.
From across the room, Grady beckons. "Come. Sit."
Nervous tingles fire off in all my limbs. My instincts are at war. I should run as far and as fast as I can.
I should yield to the edge of command in my alpha's voice. I should show him my throat and kneel.
In the end, I take the normal, sane middle route. Clutching my mug, I approach. He kicks out the chair to his right and I sink into it. Dread churns in my stomach, but Landen sits beside me and places his hand on my thigh. His quiet support steadies me. Colt taking the seat opposite mine helps, too—even more so when he presses his foot against my ankle.
Grady reaches for my hand. I give it to him, even though inside I'm squirming.
For a second, Grady's even calm shivers, a hairline fracture appearing in his composure.
And that shouldn't reassure me so completely, but it does. He's in uncharted territory here, too, but he's sitting us down. We're going to talk about it.
"Jessica…"
"Yes."
Suddenly, all my secrets come bubbling to my lips. I've been trying to keep my feelings inside for the past few weeks, desperate to spare my mates the slightest hint of pain. But my silence has been killing me almost as much as my loss.
I love these males. I want to tell them everything.
I open my mouth, searching for the words, but where do I even begin?
Then Grady shines a soft smile on me. He reaches under the table and produces a wooden box.
And that's…not what I expected.
I frown, my brows furrowing. I look to him and back, then across the table to Colt and then to Landen. They're gazing at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to do something.
"Is this…" I let go of my coffee and gesture vaguely at the box.
"It's for you," Grady confirms.
Landen shifts his palm from my thigh to my abdomen. "All of you."
My heart lurches. One of our pups must sense my sudden bewilderment. A tiny foot jabs into my lowest rib, and I instinctively move to rub the spot, to sooth both myself and my little soccer player.
"Jess—" Colt starts.
"I'm fine," I promise, forcing myself to concentrate despite the motion in my womb.
Leaning forward, I place my hands on the corners of the box and lift the lid.
Instantly, my eyes sting. "It's…"
"A christening gown," Grady confirms. I glance up at him to find his amber eyes shining, his jaw tight. "Mine."
"How—"
Then Landen and Colt are moving. They produce similar boxes, and I already know. The same kinds of delicate white fabric will lie nestled so tidily inside, and it's wonderful and overwhelming and thoughtful and wrong.
"How—" I try again.
"We saw how upset you got during that movie the other night," Landen says.
"So we went to our kin." Colt's throat bobs. "What's left of it."
My ribs squeeze.
I never, ever forget what my mates have been through. All the females in their pack were wiped out when Colt and Landen were barely more than pups themselves. Grady was a young man.
They lost everything. Mothers, aunts, sisters. They lost so much more than I could ever imagine.
But they went to their remaining kin and retrieved these treasures. As I sit there, silent tears flowing down my cheeks, Colt moves to get another box, and it's full of other heirlooms. Hand-knit blankets and rattles and books. Wooden tools and a doll with button eyes.
There's another bag, too.
New things. A robe for me and a gift certificate to a spa in the closest town.
My eyes are so full of tears I can hardly see, hardly breathe.
"We hate that you're not going to have a shower like the one those women in the movie did," Grady says. "You know our pack. We're not good at sentiment, but everyone is so happy you're here with us. We're
so grateful you came along, and that you're giving us this gift… They wanted to shower you with their love. Their gratitude…"
And I can just picture it. The males that own the property next door to ours. The elders of the pack, the cluster of males that live closer to the falls, all of them. Chipping in for some of the first new pups to be born to these lands in a decade…
Gratitude.
That's what I should be feeling, and I do. It floods me.
But the loss is stronger.
Suddenly, I feel like it's drowning me.
My mates are looking at me with such hope in their eyes, and the same crushing guilt I've felt all month takes my heart in a vise and squeezes. The confessions I'd been about to make turn to ash in my mouth, but I can't sit here like this. I can't smile and nod and pretend that the stuff and the presents are what mattered to me.
I can't stand to watch their smiles disappear when they realize they got my problem wrong. They tried so hard to take care of me and see to what they imagined was my need. I feel like I'm throwing their generosity in their faces, but I can't swallow back my hurt any longer.
"I'm sorry." My throat catches. I can't see, my eyes are so swollen with tears. "I'm sorry."
I push my chair back from the table. And I run.
Chapter 3
Of course, even my best run is basically a waddle right now.
On my midwife's orders, I'm avoiding shifting into my wolf unless it's absolutely necessary. More than once, the restriction has left me feeling itchy and caged in, but never so much as right now.
What I wouldn't give to let go and hurtle myself through the door. I want to feel my bones creak and snap, I want the safety of fur and the simplified world of scent and instinct. I want to run.
As it is, I barely make it to the back entryway before my mates' pounding footsteps catch up with mine. A hand grabs at me, and a male voice says my name, and I shake my head. I push whoever it is away—Landen, Landen, from his scent alone, it's obviously Landen—and I keep going.
But my mates are strong and fast. Normally, that's a source of smug, animal comfort to me. Today it brings me no relief.
Landen keeps coming after me, though he makes no effort to force contact again. Grady is right beside him, but I run on. An immediate stitch forms in my side. I put my hand to my massive belly, but I can barely support the pups' weight. I stagger.
And then a shock of fur shoots past me. I pull up short, blinking fast at the huge black wolf blocking my path.
Mate registers in my panic-soaked brain.
Colt gets all four of his legs under him. He lets loose a low, warning growl, but I know he means no harm. His howl carries a note of mournfulness, and I can smell the fear and hurt on his skin.
I swallow back a bitter gulp of misery.
These males were just trying to do something nice for me. They were showing me that they cared. They knew something was wrong, and they tried to fix it, and what did I do?
I didn't thank them. I took off, choking on tears, and what kind of mate does that make me?
What kind of mother am I going to be if I can't keep my shit together, for fuck's sake?
"Jessica," Grady says. This time, when he approaches, I stay still. He wraps his big, strong arms around me, enfolding me in his love.
Landen grabs my hand and holds onto it for dear life, while Colt darts in, rubbing his flank against my legs. With their touch, they try to calm me, and it works. All the fight or flight bleeds out of me, leaving me shaking and raw.
Repeating my name again and again, Grady pulls me in. He kisses my mouth, wet and open, and my body reacts—of course it does. There will never be a day when my alpha's kiss doesn't make my blood hot and my pussy ready to be claimed.
But he makes no move to deepen the kiss. If anything, he slows it. I whine, but he's firm.
There won't be any deflecting with sex today. As sweet as it would be to melt into the relief of making love, we have to talk.
I have to talk.
"Please," Landen says. "Tell us what we did wrong."
"Nothing," I swear.
Grady pulls away to stare down at me with baleful eyes. "Bullshit."
I shake my head. "You didn't— It wasn't. That was so kind of you."
"But it wasn't what you needed."
"It doesn't matter."
Only it does. It matters so much.
Colt lets out a sound that's half growl and half whine as he butts his shoulder up against my knee. He rubs the whole length of himself against me, then circles around to meet my gaze.
For a wolf, he's got an incredibly effective 'bitch, please' face.
My next sob morphs into laughter. I reach down to stroke my hand through his fur, scratching behind his ear in the way I know he loves.
"Baby," Grady says. "You remember this spring. Before the memorial."
How could I forget?
But I shake my head. "What does that have to do with—?"
"You remember how we acted." His throat clicks as he swallows. "How I acted."
Oh. Right.
For weeks, I knew there was something going on. My alpha held me at a distance. He was moody and quiet, and he refused to let me in—to the point where a part of me wondered if he regretted our mating and wanted to release me from it.
Turns out, the larger Broken Ladder Falls wolf pack was coming up on the anniversary of the terrible attack that wiped out half of their population. My mates were in pain, but for the longest time, they tried to hide it from me. Being kept in the dark made me feel useless and hollow. I couldn't help them if I didn't know what was wrong.
I flush hot with shame.
Just like my mates can't help me if I won't talk to them.
Twisting my fingers sharply in Colt's fur, I turn my face into Grady's chest. I squeeze Landen's hand.
Grady clutches me close and strokes my hair. "It's okay. It's all going to be okay."
"I'm sorry—"
"Just—don't shut us out."
"Please," Landen echoes, and God, I feel like such a miserable excuse for a mate.
"We love you." Grady kisses my hair. "Let us help. Let us take care of you. Tell us how."
"Just." I hide my face more deeply against his chest. He's cracked my ribs open, and my heart lies there, exposed. But does it matter? "I don't think there's anything you can do."
"Tell us anyway," Landen insists.
Colt bumps his head against my hand in agreement. I sneak a glance down at him to find his snout shortening, his eyes more human with every exhalation. His gaze is heavy with meaning.
I close my eyes and suck in a breath. "My family," I finally admit.
Landen curses, and Grady's hands go stiff on my back. "What about them?"
They've spoken to me before about their opinions on my relatives—my father and his poisonous new mate, in particular. Casting me out was unforgivable, in their view.
It's just another reason I was reluctant to tell them, but I'm in it now. There's no way out but through.
"I miss them. So much." Just like that, the floodgates open in my heart. "I miss my cousins, I miss my mom. I know she's gone, but I always thought, I always wanted—" I choke on my tears, hiccuping at the relief of letting this out and the pain of speaking my truth. Talking about it makes it real. "She was supposed to be here for this. She would have loved these pups."
I rub my belly, and I swear my babies are rubbing back. They kick gently, and I'm so grateful for them. I already love them so much.
"I want my grandmother's christening gown, I want my crib and my doll. I want to take our kids to see where I grew up. I want—" My throat threatens to close, and I taste bile at the back of my mouth. "I want to see what a wonderful grandfather my dad would have been."
Back before my mother died. Before he became a shell and Katarina, that heinous woman, sunk her manicured claws into him.
Grady sucks in a breath and clutches me tighter. I lose myself to the sobs racking my body, but
through it all, my mates have me. A third set of hands moves to pet and soothe me, and I shudder harder, glad for Colt's touch.
And God, what a sight we must make. Me in my pajamas, my hair still wet from my shower, my belly huge. Grady and Landen using all their strength just to keep me standing against the tide of misery that's trying to pull me down. And Colt—naked after his transition, just trying to hold on.
The guys mutter nonsense words of consolation in my ears. I let it all wash over me. Things get quiet after a moment, and I know these males well enough to be able to picture the glances they must be exchanging. The silent communication they can carry out after years of living alone together.
Then Grady pulls me in closer, bending to drop a kiss to the top of my head. "We'll go."
"What?" I draw back, blinking past the tears. A cold shiver runs down my spine.
"We can leave tonight," Colt agrees.
I push at Grady's chest, fighting to get some space. "Wait—"
Grady lets me go, only for Landen to pull me in. He cups my face in both hands. Swiping his thumbs beneath my eyes, brushing away my tears, he gazes at me with a tenderness that hurts.
"You want your family back? We'll go get them for you."
"That doesn't make sense. You can't—"
"We can." The edges of Landen's canines gleam. He can be overeager sometimes, or even quick to jump into a fight. But he's usually agreeable enough when it's just the three of us. It takes me aback to see him so…feral.
"Landen," Grady says.
Landen sucks in a breath. The sharp edges to his expression soften slightly. He slides his hands down my cheeks to rest them on the sides of my neck instead, his thumbs caressing just beneath the points of my jaw. "The question is, do you want us to?"
I glance from Landen to Grady to Colt. Not a one of them is smiling. They're serious about this.
My head spins.
All this time I've spent idly mourning this loss. Nine months ago, almost to the day, my father and his mate met me at the border of our land and turned me away. They told me I was no longer welcome, no longer a part of their family. Katarina whispered poison into my father's ear. She told him my life as an unmated female in the city, was one of debauchery and shame. She told him I was a slut and a whore and I was dirtying my entire clan's name.