by Mark Lukens
“What about the horses?” Sarah asked. She had rolled down her window and her hands were cupped over the top of the door as she stared at the rolling green hills in the distance. “Does Grandpa still have the horses?”
“I think they might have been sold after Grandpa got worse. I’m sorry, sweetie.”
Sarah shrugged. “We can still take the boat out on the pond, right?”
“I’m sure the rowboat’s still there,” Pam answered and smiled. She loved seeing her daughter excited like this.
Pam pulled her 4Runner up to the main house and parked in front of the massive entryway. She turned the truck off and got out.
The front doors of the house opened and Rita the housekeeper hurried out to meet them with a smile. Rita was a little older and a little heavier now, but she still looked the same to Pam. And her smile could still melt Pam’s heart.
“Miss Pam!” Rita called out as she ran over to greet her. “Welcome back!”
Pam and Rita hugged.
Then Rita pulled away so she could look at Sarah. She beamed at her. “And look at you!” She bent down and gave Sarah a big hug.
Rita had been her father’s housekeeper for twenty-four years now. She was one of the few people in his life who he absolutely trusted.
“How was your trip?” Rita asked Pam.
“Good. Not too much traffic once we got outside of the city. And no rain along the way.”
“Good. Are you hungry?”
“No,” Pam said.
“Yes,” Sarah answered at the same time and smiled.
“Well, I think I might have baked something sweet for you,” Rita said as she gently pinched Sarah’s cheek.
Sarah pulled away, but she couldn’t help laughing.
Pam stifled a yawn.
“Oh, you’re tired from the drive,” Rita said to Pam. “Come on, let me show you to your rooms.”
They grabbed their bags from the back of the 4Runner and followed Rita into the house. They walked through the foyer and past one of the large living rooms until they came to the stairway on this side of the home.
“We have a few guest rooms down this hall,” Rita said to Pam and Sarah when they were upstairs and walking down the hall. Framed art, some original and some reproductions, adorned the walls.
They entered the first spacious bedroom.
“Do you want to sleep in here with Mommy?” Rita asked Sarah.
“I want my own room,” Sarah said.
“You do?” Rita asked, but she gave Pam a quick glance to make sure that it was okay with her.
Pam nodded.
Rita looked back at Sarah. “You’re not afraid of the dark?”
“No,” Sarah said and giggled.
I am, Pam thought.
“Well, then,” Rita said and glanced at Pam again for approval.
Pam nodded again.
“I guess you can have your very own room. It’s just right down the hall from Mommy’s room.”
• • •
After they got settled in and got their bags unpacked, Pam wanted to see her father.
Rita ushered Pam and Sarah down another hallway, a shorter hall that led right up to a set of huge double doors which opened up to a vast master suite.
They entered the bedroom and Pam saw the king-sized bed halfway down the room. The bed had a grand headboard carved from a single piece of wood. A row of plate-glass windows stood at the far end of the room with the drapes pulled back. The pool area and the pond beyond it could be seen from these windows. Beyond the pond was the line of trees that began the small forest on this end of the property.
Pam walked towards the bed where Carl slept. There were machines next to his bed, an IV stand, a plastic cart with wheels that held an array of medicines and medical supplies.
But Pam’s eyes were focused on Carl—her father. He looked so much thinner and older than even a few months ago. He looked so frail, so deathly ill. He was sleeping now with his mouth wide open.
She walked towards his bed and then stopped suddenly, her hand over her mouth and tears brimming in her eyes. She wondered now if this was such a good idea letting Sarah see her grandfather like this. She didn’t realize that he looked this bad; she’d had no idea …
“Are you okay, Miss Pam?” Rita whispered to her.
Pam nodded, afraid to talk, afraid she would break out into a sob.
This was some kind of cruel joke, Pam thought, seeing her strong father wasting away like this, watching his brilliant mind vanishing day by day into a sea of foam that it would never return from.
She also felt guilty for not coming to see him in the last six months. She had always made excuses, and then after Doug left she used that as an excuse, wallowing in her own despair and depression, and ignoring her father.
“Can we talk to him?” Pam asked Rita. She still hadn’t taken another step closer to the bed.
Pam sensed that Rita had moved closer to her, right beside her now, and she loved her strength. She was like a rock that Pam could lean on at this moment, and she felt so blessed to have her here right now.
“Of course,” Rita answered. “But sometimes he acts a little silly. And sometimes he can be a little cranky. When he gets like that, you just have to try again later.”
Pam forced her legs to move, and a moment later she stood beside her father’s bed.
“Dad,” she said, and her voice was thick with emotion.
Carl didn’t stir.
“Dad,” she said a little louder. “Are you awake?”
He still didn’t move. He just kept breathing deeply, snoring lightly.
“He might be too tired right now,” Rita said. “We can try again later if you want to. I baked some cookies before you got here if you want some.” And then she turned to Sarah and smiled. “But I don’t think Sarah wants any.”
“Yes, I do,” Sarah said and grinned.
“You’re sure?”
Sarah nodded.
Pam turned away from her father and looked at Rita and Sarah. She loved seeing them smiling and joking around with each other.
“Okay, let’s go get some cookies,” Rita said and gently guided Pam away from her father’s bedside.
NINE
After trying one of the cookies, Pam left Sarah in Rita’s care. She wanted to go upstairs and visit with her father for a few more minutes by herself.
Rita promised to look after Sarah. She also told Pam about Maria who lived at the house full-time now. And Pam remembered talking to Maria on the phone a few nights ago when she’d thought her father had called her. Maria was staying on as a nurse until Carl passed away. While Carl was still in his right state of mind, he’d had his lawyers draw up ironclad papers that forbid him to be taken to a hospital or a hospice. He wanted to die at his home no matter what, and he didn’t care how much round-the-clock care and house calls from doctors cost him.
“Maria is very good with him,” Rita promised.
Pam went upstairs to her father’s room. She had expected to meet Maria, his nurse, but she didn’t see her in the room.
Pam walked towards her father’s bed and sat down in a chair next to the bed. She just sat there for a long moment, watching her father sleep. She was sure he was in some pain, but he seemed peaceful at the moment.
His eyes moved back and forth underneath his eyelids like he was dreaming.
And maybe he was.
And then his eyes popped open. He turned his head and looked at her with wide eyes. He seemed confused, staring at her like he was trying to figure out who she was.
“Dad,” Pam said in a low voice. “It’s me. Pam. I’m here with Sarah. We’re going to stay here for a few days.”
Carl rocked his head back and forth and looked away. He mumbled something she couldn’t understand.
Pam sighed. She bent down to give her father a kiss on his forehead. Then she stood back up and turned to walk away.
Her father grabbed her wrist, holding on to it with surprising strength
.
She looked back down at her father’s wide eyes and his trembling mouth.
“Where’s your mother?” he asked.
“Dad … she’s … she’s not here. She’s gone. She’s been gone for a long time now.”
“No,” Carl spat out, gripping her wrist even tighter. It was actually beginning to hurt her a little. “She’s come back. She’s here in the house. I’ve seen her.”
For a moment Pam allowed herself to believe that what her father was saying might be true. Could it be true? Could her mother have finally come back after all these years? Maybe now that her father was weak and dying, she felt the courage to come back. Pam fantasized about Rita keeping the secret from her and that there would be a huge and happy reunion very soon.
But then she pushed these thoughts away. It couldn’t be true. Her mother hadn’t come back now. She’d had plenty of other chances to come back into Pam’s life: her high school and college graduations, her marriage to Doug, the birth of Sarah.
Her mother wasn’t back—she needed to push that little fantasy out of her mind right away. Her father was just babbling, that was all; distant and random memories were popping up in his diseased mind.
Pam yanked her wrist out of her father’s grasp, and then she wondered if she might have hurt him.
But he didn’t seem hurt. He lay back down on the bed and closed his eyes. He mumbled a few times, and then he seemed to be drifting back to sleep.
His words had rocked her and the memory of the late night telephone call came back to her. In that “imagined” phone call, her father had said the same thing: Your mother … she’s come back.
But that phone call hadn’t happened—his home nurse had told her that.
Pam felt suddenly light-headed and shaky.
A scuffling noise from behind Pam startled her and she spun around beside the bed. She saw a young, pretty woman dressed in colorful nurse’s scrubs. She looked Hispanic, but her skin was very light; she was about Pam’s age, but with the woman’s beauty it was difficult for Pam to pin down her age—somewhere from early to late twenties. Despite the woman’s beauty, there was a slight coldness in her dark eyes.
“You must be Maria,” Pam said.
“Yes, ma’am.”
The woman smiled, and an odd sensation washed over Pam. For some reason she was certain that she had met this woman before, but she wasn’t sure where that could’ve possibly been.
“I’m Pam Kaminski. Mr. Westbrook’s daughter.”
Maria nodded like she already knew that.
Of course she did. She had to have known that she and Sarah were coming today.
“Maria Lopez,” Maria said and offered Pam a hand.
Pam shook the woman’s hand and felt a strong, dry grip.
“I’m new here,” Maria said when they let each other’s hand go. “I’ve only been here for a few months now. I’m from the agency.”
“Of course,” Pam said.
Maria walked past Pam to Carl’s bedside. She watched him for a second, and then she looked at Pam. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” Pam breathed out. “He just … he woke up and grabbed my arm, and then he was saying … you know … stuff that didn’t make any sense.”
Maria nodded like she totally understood.
“I’m going down to find my daughter,” Pam said, and she suddenly felt a little nervous, like she needed to explain to Maria where she was going and why she was leaving so suddenly.
Maria only nodded in response, and Pam left the room.
TEN
Half an hour later Pam and Rita sat on the back patio watching Sarah run around in the backyard. Rita made some coffee for them and Pam sipped it. Her hands trembled a little as she held the cup, but she felt a lot better now. Her father’s words had shocked her, but she had to keep reminding herself that he was just rambling—he wasn’t in his right mind anymore.
“You okay?” Rita asked.
Pam glanced at Rita for a moment and nodded, and then she looked out at her daughter running around in the thick summertime grass.
“My father said something strange when I was up there.”
Rita didn’t say anything, and Pam swore she could sense Rita tensing up a little.
“He said he saw my mother. That she was back in the house.”
Pam looked at Rita and watched her face scrunch in concern like she was sure something like this was going to happen.
“I’m sorry, Miss Pam. He has been saying that a lot lately. He seems to be stuck in a different time of his life.”
Pam just nodded slightly and didn’t say anything.
“I know it must be painful for you to see him like this,” Rita continued. “To hear him talk about your mother.”
“Yeah. He never talked about her before. After she left us, if I tried to bring up the subject, he just closed it off immediately. That was one of the unspoken rules of the house—we didn’t talk about her. He wouldn’t even say her name anymore.”
There was a moment of silence between them. Rita was still tense, Pam could tell. She was gripping her coffee cup a little too tightly. It seemed to Pam like Rita wanted to say something.
“Is everything okay?” Pam asked.
“I just …” Rita smiled and let out an nervous laugh. “Excuse me, Miss Pam. It’s not really my place to say this.”
“No, please. Just say it.”
Rita took a deep breath and then spit it out. “I always wondered if you ever tried to find your mother when you got older.”
Pam smiled at Rita, hopefully reassuring her. Even though Rita had worked here for a long time now, she always seemed like she was walking on eggshells, afraid of being fired at a moment’s notice. Of course, being around Pam’s father could do that to someone.
“It’s okay,” Pam said, and she saw the relief in Rita’s eyes. “I tried for a while, but I never found a trace of her. It was like she just disappeared. Or maybe even changed identities.”
“Mom, look!” Sarah called out.
Pam watched Sarah as she did a cartwheel. “Great, honey!”
She looked back at Rita. “But after a few years, I stopped trying. I asked myself why I was trying when she just walked out of my life without a goodbye. I mean, she obviously didn’t want to find me or see me, so why was I trying so hard to find her?”
Rita just nodded politely.
Pam glanced at Rita and still couldn’t help feeling that something was making the housekeeper tense. Maybe it was seeing her employer on his deathbed after working for him for so long. She had to be wondering where she was going to go after this, what she was going to do for a living.
Pam had a question she wanted to ask Rita; it wasn’t really directed at Rita, but it was just something she wanted to get out in the air. It was one of the reasons she had come here to her father’s house, and she was going to finally ask her dad, confront him about it if he had a lucid moment again.
“I’ve always wondered if my dad had some kind of contact with my mother through the years and never told me about it.”
She watched Rita’s reaction to her question.
Rita seemed a little startled. “Why would you say that?”
Pam shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just something I’ve always felt in my heart. I always had this feeling that Dad has been keeping this big secret from me all these years either to help me or to hurt me. I always wondered if my mother tried to get back into contact with me, but my father wouldn’t allow it after she walked out on us.”
“Your father would never hurt you, Miss Pam. He loves you.”
Pam nodded. “I know,” she replied. It was the thing you were supposed to say. But it had never felt that way with her father. He was a cold, hard man who never showed much affection. But it wasn’t just that. Pam couldn’t help feeling that her father blamed her for something. Maybe he blamed her for her mother walking out on them. Maybe her mother had never wanted kids, never wanted her.
She didn’t
want to think about it anymore. She wanted to change the subject. She thought of Maria.
“Are there other nurses that come here besides Maria?” Pam asked Rita.
Rita shook her head. “A doctor comes once a week, and a nurse twice a week, but Maria is here the rest of the time. She stays here around the clock, like I do.”
“There’s only one nurse with him around the clock?”
“For now,” Rita said. “I watch him during the day for a while so Maria can sleep, and she watches him throughout the night.”
“But why aren’t there other nurses? That seems like a lot of work for only one person.”
Rita just nodded. Again, she seemed like she was biting back something she wanted to say.
“Maybe I should call the agency,” Pam said. “See if they can get some nurses out here soon. Give Maria a break.”
“There were some other nurses,” Rita said quickly. “But they all quit.”
“All of them quit?”
Rita shrugged. “It can be a tough job. Not all of them are ready for it when they come here.”
It still seemed to Pam like Rita wanted to say something else. She’d known Rita for over twenty years now, and she could tell that Rita was nearly fighting to keep something inside.
“What is it?” Pam asked. “Is there something else about the nurses?”
Rita shrugged and looked out at Sarah running around in the backyard. Then she looked back at Pam. “I talked to a few of the nurses as they were quitting. One of them, she was really scared. She was convinced that the house was haunted. She swore she’d seen a ghost.”
That shocked Pam. “A ghost?”
Rita chuckled. “I don’t know. That’s what she said.”
“But you’ve never seen anything like that in the house before, have you?”
Rita hesitated for a second before answering, and Pam swore she saw a quick flash of fear in the woman’s eyes. But then Rita smiled her big, usual smile and shook her head. “Of course not. I think a few of the girls just got spooked in this big old house. That’s all.”
Pam was about to say something else, but then Sarah’s words interrupted her.
“Come on out here with me, Mom!” Sarah called out to Pam.