by Laury Falter
“But why not?” I said carefully, keeping my voice balanced and calm. “You haven’t given me a good enough reason.”
He remained silent, unmoving. He looked up at me with fierce, dark eyes and I was momentarily stunned. “If preserving your life isn’t good enough, you’ll need to understand this…I am a guardian, Magdalene. Guardians were made to fight. That’s all we do. That’s all we are. The Fallen Ones know this and if they were to ever realize your feelings for me…” his words fell away as he stifled another tremor in response to a dark thought invading his mind. “I will protect you…even if it means protecting you from yourself.”
“So you’re warning me away from you?” I was appalled. “Then why are you doing this…guarding me at all? Why the torment? Why watch over me when you know that…that we should be more?” I felt on the verge of tears, which amazed me. How could pain be so sharp in the afterlife? “Answer me, Eran. Why?”
He sighed. “Because it is my job.”
I gasped, more offended than I’d ever been. “I’m a job to you?” I stared at him and waited for his head to rise but he refused to look at me.
“Yes,” he said weakly, defeated. His beautiful, rugged voice released as a whimper and the pain inside me grew. “You are just a job.”
I didn’t think it was possible but the emptiness I’d felt with Eran being gone those many weeks held no comparison to the magnitude of what I was experiencing right now.
I felt as if I had been gutted.
“No…” I shook my head. “I don’t believe you because you see, Eran, I can feel your emotions run through me. Whether you want to admit them or not, I know how you feel about me.”
Stunned, his head jerked up, his brilliant blue-green eyes drilling into mine. “You feel me too? How can that be?”
“I don’t know. But I do know that I feel in you the same emotions I have.”
He groaned and turned away. “That’s not possible…” he muttered, pausing. When he spoke again his voice was strained, determined. I drew in a breath as the intensity of these emotions ran through me. “It doesn’t matter. I won’t let this happen. This will not happen…I will not let us be together.”
“Because you are my guardian? Then let me make it easy on us…You’re fired.”
“It doesn’t work that way, Magdalene,” he said, quieter but still resolute.
“I didn’t want you to watch over me, Eran. I never asked for it.”
As if he’d become an entirely new person, his reply was flat and detached. “You’re a messenger. You require a guardian. It’s as simple as that.”
“Then we’ve just solved the issue, didn’t we?” I said causing him to finally look up. “This will be my last message. It’s from me to you…goodbye Eran.”
Turning swiftly, I walked away just before the tears came.
CHAPTER TWELVE: SECRET
When I woke up that morning, I was crying.
The fact that the alarm was still going didn’t register with me – not even when Rufus came through the door and yanked the cord out of the wall.
“What the…” he started to say, but stopped abruptly.
He must have noticed my face, swollen, red, and wet with tears, because he pulled the chair in from the balcony and took a seat in front of me.
He didn’t say a word, just waited patiently until I was ready to explain.
“How…how can love hurt so much?” I mumbled, slipping my hands up from beneath the blankets to cover my face.
My body was shaking uncontrollably as I sobbed. I had gone weak as I lay there, involuntary muscle spasms being the only movements my body made.
Rufus did his best to comfort me, clumsily patting my head, sitting back so far his entire arm needed to be extended fully to reach me. I appreciated it nonetheless, knowing it was uncommon for him to delve into his sensitive side.
Finally, after I had cried until no more tears would come, I sat up.
His face was apologetic, harboring some level of guilt. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told ya ta go easy on the wanka’…”
On any other day, his statement would have made me laugh. Today, there was nothing. “It’s not your fault, Rufus,” I said, my voice sounding odd. “You were just trying to make me happy.” I sniffed long and loud at the end.
Rufus stood and hurried to the bathroom where he brought back an entire roll of toilet paper. “Here, think ya need this.”
I smiled gratefully at him and unwound a few squares to blow my nose.
Again, I realized how lucky I was to know Rufus…and Ezra…and Felix. That realization started another bout of tears, knowing today would be the last day I would see them. It took every bit of energy to close the floodgates.
When my sobs quieted he patted me once more and stood, saying, “Dry up. Felix’s makin’ ya chocolate chip crepes special fer yer finals this week…but don’t ya get too excited. They’re made from coconut milk and will likely give ya the runs.”
He disappeared down the stairs to tell Felix what he was doing wrong in the kitchen. I waited at the top of the stairs, listening to them bicker and to Ezra’s intermittent “Now boys…” realizing just how much I would miss them.
I had never dared to allow anyone into my life, to get as close as they had become. Then I found loving them came easy and that I needed it, going so far as feeling like I deserved to be loved and to love them in turn.
It was this love that I had for them that told me what I was going to do today was not insane but an act of love – the most indisputable action love can inspire.
I went back to my room and unzipped my backpack. Removing a piece of paper and a pen, I sat down on my bed and prepared to write. But I couldn’t summon the words that would make them truly understand how much I cared for them. Minutes passed as I felt consumed by emptiness. I felt like a shell, hard on the outside and hollow within.
Finally, I scribbled in uneasy lines four simple, straightforward words: I will miss you.
I pulled out a second piece of paper and wrote: Aunt Teresa, take care of yourself.
I turned to make my bed for the first time, straightening the sheets and comforter and taking extra care to pile the pillows just perfectly. Lastly, I leaned in and placed the notes so that they rested against the pillows. My roommates would have no trouble finding them.
When I went downstairs to the kitchen, a cup of coffee was waiting for me, my textbooks were piled up in case I wanted to do any last minute studying, and a surprisingly delicious plate of crepes was placed at my seat.
No one said a word to me. Whether they saw my red eyes or Rufus had told them about my weeping attack, I couldn’t tell. But, they each showed in their own way that they cared. Ezra came up behind me and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder and Felix set a small vase of flowers cut from the backyard beside my plate.
I ate slowly, cherishing my time with them. I had so much to ask them, so much I wanted to learn about them. Despite the void of emotion I suffered as a result of last night’s argument with Eran, I felt a longing to stay here and be a part of this family.
When I left for school, the three of them each gave their own encouragements: Rufus…a hearty pat to my back which almost sent me sprawling, Ezra…with a pencil and pen set engraved with the profoundly appropriate words “choose wisely,” and Felix…who stood at the steps as I started my bike, beaming like a proud father.
I would have said my goodbyes but that would have opened a whole slew of questions that would not benefit them or me by answering. I hesitantly decided a clean break would be best.
As I headed in the direction of school, I knew I should have taken the streets that led me to the Interstate. I watched the green sign, signaling the onramp, as I passed by. I needed to make one stop before I left…I needed to find Gershom.
He was the only one I knew who could explain to me how the Fallen Ones worked, how they found me, and how I could draw them to me and distract them from my roommates.
As I entered t
he school parking lot, it was evident that news of yesterday’s explosion was still spreading. Students and teachers alike avoided me when walking toward the main entrance. I didn’t see a single friendly face in the crowd. As I entered the building, even a few of my customers who I was supposed to deliver messages back to avoided me by slipping into the bathroom or nearby classrooms. In all honesty, I didn’t care. My heart had already been broken the night before.
I had no emotion left.
I entered the main office to find Ms. Olsonite standing inside The Warden’s office, his door slightly ajar.
“I’ll be with you in a moment,” she called out sweetly. She obviously had no idea it was me.
I moved quickly, unsure when she would return to her desk, choosing the tallest filing cabinet first. It had the most drawers and, I thought, might be where the student’s files were kept. As I moved around her desk, I caught a glimpse of The Warden through the door, his head bowed, shaking it back and forth.
“That can’t be,” The Warden stated, incensed.
Ms. Olsonite refuted him in a weak, unsure tone. “It’s what the report says. I couldn’t believe it myself.”
I reached the file cabinet and gently pulled it open, holding my breath that it wouldn’t squeak against its hinges. To my relief, it came open easily.
“She was at the sink moments before it happened,” The Warden said, exasperated. “It had to be her.”
My hands, already skimming through the files for Gershom’s name, froze. My attention was now on the conversation in the next room.
Ms. Olsonite replied encouragingly, “Mr. Warden, you’ll really need to read the police report yourself. All I can tell you is that they said there was no sign of the chemicals used in the blast anywhere on her desk or in her locker but that trace amounts were found on the professor’s desk.”
The Warden sighed, flustered and exasperated.
“Apparently,” said Ms. Olsonite, continuing, “They’ve already tried to contact Professor Elam and have been unable to bring him in for questioning. The phone numbers he gave us have been disconnected and his home address was fictitious.”
“But it makes no sense. He was a highly esteemed professor,” The Warden refuted.
“Yes, well.” Ms. Olsonite cleared her throat uneasily. “The police have learned that the documents he provided were all fabricated.”
There was a few seconds of silence before The Warden asked, drowning in disbelief, “He was a fraud?”
“It seems so,” said Ms. Olsonite, gently, trying to console The Warden while still delivering the undeniable truth.
“The students all seem to be doing well,” Ms. Olsonite added, cheerfully, obviously trying to change the mood of the conversation.
The Warden replied meekly, “That…that is good news.”
Finally, something The Warden and I agreed on. The fact that no students had been seriously injured gave me a sense of relief, which I didn’t think would be possible for a very long time. It was the kind of news I had hoped to hear and it left me with some sense of optimism.
I realized that their conversation appeared to be coming to an end and returned to the files. A few more tabs and I found Gershom’s.
Pulling it from cabinet and not bothering to close the drawer, I ducked around the desk, heading for the door.
The last thing I heard before I slipped through, into the hallway, was The Warden falling back into his leather office chair, humbled and distraught.
I knew I should have been elated that the facts were proving Elam to have been the culprit and that my name would be cleared, but there wasn’t even a remote part of me that cared. I would be gone, permanently, from this school in a few minutes.
I went around the corner and found a quiet nook where I opened the file.
Many of the fields traditionally filled out on school documents were blank on Gershom’s. Not even his birth date was listed, which seemed odd to me. That was a standard detail and easily recorded, or so I thought. So it wasn’t surprising when I found the lines where his home address was supposed to be and saw that over it, written in all red, capital letters, was the word “NONEXISTENT.”
I stood there, realizing how disappointed I was to not be able to say goodbye to Gershom. Of anyone, he could tell me what to expect from my enemies on my next encounter – one that I knew was not going to be far off. But also, he was the only true friend – Fallen One or not – that I’d made in any school I’d ever attended. I desperately wanted to say goodbye to him.
The first class bell rang and I was left standing alone in the hallway. I could hear a teacher’s muted voice through the doorway next to me, lecturing on some indistinct topic. I exhaled slowly and then willed myself to move.
The time had come to leave.
This was when I heard my name whispered.
“Maggie…”
I turned then to find Gershom racing down the hall toward me. As I stood there, stunned, wondering if I was seeing clearly, he soared down the hallway. Yes, it was Gershom. Still, something about him didn’t look quite right and it took me a moment to figure out what it was. Something was flapping just behind him. Grey wings twenty feet across and thick with feathers were carrying him…and fast. Before I could even tense up, he’d swooped by me, picking me up and carrying me through the double doors leading to the front quad.
I twisted to look over my shoulder and saw the wings entering and disappearing from my view as they flapped. With each motion, they made a high-pitched whizzing sound that reminded me of wind blowing through the crack in a window.
Only a few seconds passed and we had already turned right, gone around the back of the building, and cut across the lawn in front of the cafeteria.
In the woods, he came to a halt, his head swiveling back and forth looking for anyone who might be nearby. There was no one.
“Are you okay?” he asked, setting me on the ground.
“Yeah…” I replied, though I was still stunned. “I didn’t know you could do that.”
“Yes, well…” he replied bashfully, as his gaze fell.
I cocked my head to the side and asked, “Where have you been, Gershom? It’s been weeks…and you left no note, nothing.”
He looked at me, perplexed. “I just picked you up off your feet and carried you across school grounds in seconds and that’s the first question that comes to mind?”
I thought about this for a moment and replied, “Yes.”
He laughed through his nose in amusement and then lowered himself so that his feet touched the layer of fall leaves carpeting the woodland floor. His wings folded together and slipped down to the center of his body, disappearing altogether in just a few seconds.
“Nice wings, by the way.”
He gave me a cocked grin and said, “Nothing fazes you, does it?”
“No,” I replied flatly. “So are you going to answer me? Where have you been?” I demanded, suddenly far more upset with his absence than I had realized.
“Yes, I will answer you. But first, I have to tell you something just as important. It’ll help you understand…” he paused, seeming to struggle with his words. “It’ll help you understand where I’ve been.”
“Okay…” I folded my arms and waited, watching him closely.
“Maggie, I’m not sure how you’re going to take this but…“ He drew in a deep breath. “I wish there was some place for you to sit down. I don’t want you fainting.” He glanced around us and, finding nothing, turned his concentration back to me.
I was sure my expression was sour. “Please…give me more credit than that, Gershom.”
“Okay, sorry. It’s just that I’ve never actually admitted this to anyone before. And to admit it to you of all people…well that just makes it…far more difficult.”
“Then the best thing to do is just spit it out. Why enter the water slowly and freeze, right?”
Gershom nodded. He flashed an insecure smile at me and said in a rapid rush of words, “I’m a
fallen soul.” Immediately after the words were spoken he released a sigh and clapped his hands loudly once. “I can’t believe how good that felt! Like a dirty little secret disclosed!” He chuckled, tilting his head back and letting out a whoop before refocusing on me again. “You’re smiling. Why are you smiling?”
I shrugged. “Thank you for admitting it.”
He took a stumbling step back, shocked. “You-you knew?”
“All along.”
“How?” He was astounded.
“I have built-in radar. At least that’s the best way I can describe it,” I explained, still pleased with his confession and the way it made him feel.
“Right…” he whispered, thoughtfully.
“As a messenger, I come prepared…And should I assume you knew I was the messenger all along?”
“I did,” he confirmed, his guilty expression returning. “When I told you the first day we met that I was looking for someone and that I’d found her here. That someone was you.”
Now it was me who was astonished. “Because I’m the messenger…” I couldn’t believe how ignorant I’d been. “Obviously…you showed up at the same time as all the rest of the Fallen Ones.”
“Right. I wasn’t the first. Achan discovered you before me.”
“That’s something I wanted to ask you actually…” I ventured. “How exactly did you find me?”
He stared at me awkwardly, debating on how best to answer, and replied hesitantly, “We, uh, we feel you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, um, the best way to describe it is feeling like you are in a constant state of electrocution.”
“So it’s painful?” I clarified.
“Yes, very much at first but you get used to it.”
“It’s no wonder you’re all glaring at me all the time,” I pondered.
He gave me an odd expression. “So you know I’m not the only one?”
“For a while now.”
“Can you sense any Fallen One?”
“I think so. I sensed Achan, Sarai, Sharar…You.”
He stared at me, dumbfounded. “And you still befriended me?”