by Pamela Ann
She had given words of wisdom. I could learn a thing or two from her.
The seas had treacherous waters, but with her guiding us, we would eventually get to where we needed to be.
Otto
“Dad! You’re here! Are you joining us for dinner?” Kimberly asked with an astonished expression on her face as her father entered the foyer just as we reached the bottom of the stairs.
“And every night from here on,” I immediately butted in, evoking a curious look from her.
Her eyes flickered to the luggage her father had before glancing back at me. “What’s going on? Am I missing something here?”
Gripping her shoulders from behind, I dipped my head low to whisper into her ear, “I invited him to live with us, and he accepted.”
“No way!” she rushed out. “Dad, is that true? Are you going to live here with us?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he said before reaching out to hold her hand and giving it an encouraging squeeze. “I think we both need it, and I also want to be around the baby.”
It was apparent how they were both still greatly affected by everything, and rightfully so. Seeing how they had interacted just now, I believed I had made the right decision by inviting John to live with us.
After asking one of the servants to take his luggage to his room, Kimberly led the way to the kitchen where we normally ate when it was just the two of us. It had become such a habit that the thought of dining in the formal area didn’t appeal anymore. Her father didn’t mind the kitchen, either.
At first, it took quite some getting used to since the kitchen staff was always cooking or baking something, and the noise while scarfing down a meal was quite unusual for me. As time went on, however, I realized it felt more real to me. Not only did I interact more with the household staff this way, but they found a new respect for me. They credited Kimberly for that. It was obvious how they took her in as one of their own, as bizarre as that sounded.
+++
Although I was thankful Kimberly had begun looking forward to nightly dinners with me and her father, she still hadn’t made any effort to engage with Gian Luca yet.
Several times now, I had caught her peeking through the door, stealing a glimpse of him from a distance, but she never had the courage to step into the room and play with him. It was heartbreaking to watch the emotions play on her face, yet I knew this was a process she had to do by herself. I was optimistic because there was an evident change in her demeanor ever since her father had moved in with us.
I was in her bedroom, bidding her good night, when something came to mind.
“Have you thought of resuming school?”
The question threw her off.
“No, I decided to become a full-time mother the second I decided to keep Gian Luca. There was no use for school from then on.”
That was before I had stepped into her life. Things had vastly changed since then.
“Well, if you’re still interested in pursuing your degree, you should definitely do it. I can handle the baby and the household. And if you don’t fancy taking the same degree, why don’t you explore different fields? Anything that might pique your interest, if you will.”
“I’ll keep that in mind, Luca,” she replied.
“Well, while you’re at it, would it be too much to ask if you start sleeping in my bed? Or I can sleep here, whatever you wish, cara, but I can’t stand sleeping on my own, knowing I miss having you next to me.”
Sex was the last thing I thought of. I simply wanted her close. I wanted to drown in her scent, her warmth while I fell asleep. I missed those moments greatly.
“All right, Luca. Tomorrow night, I shall sleep in your bed, but I still get to keep this room. One step at a time.”
It was the best news I had heard all day.
“Perfetto! I look forward to tomorrow night, mi amore. Dream of me.” I could barely contain the bubbling excitement I had after hearing her grant my wish.
As embarrassing as it was to admit to myself, I resembled a man who hadn’t been with a woman and was about to experience that promised sensation. I simply wanted to hold her, kiss her whenever I wanted to.
For the past weeks, I knew she had been bombarded with so many things she’d had to fully process and get used to, but we hadn’t been physical much. Even the kissing, the hugs, and random touches throughout the day that simply showed how much one was treasured had been lacking. Well, tomorrow we would start remedying that problem.
One thing I had pondered lately was the fact that I wanted to propose marriage. Her annulment could take another month, two at the most. Was it too early to plan? She had promised that, in six months’ time, we could discuss the living arrangement and us as a family, so was it wrong of me to secure an engagement before the intended date she had set for us? A part of me believed it wasn’t, but another argued that, since my mother had bullied her into this situation in the first place, I should have the wherewithal to wait until then.
My mind was truly a cluster-fuck. I sometimes shoved personal matters to the side and focused on work when I had free time, because I continuously tortured myself. Therefore, it was in my sanity’s best interest to apply this severe concentration on matters that I fully understood and had some control over.
My phone shrilled the moment I entered my bedroom. Who would be calling me around this time? It was almost midnight.
Well, my father wasn’t one to consider midnight as of late. The man barely slept two to four hours and functioned like a stallion with the stamina of a bull. Then again, if one treated espressos like they were water, I supposed anyone could become an insomniac.
“Sì, Papa?” There was no point in greeting him, not when the call was informal. Most of his calls at this hour were unconventional through the years. On a few occasions, I was even high or drunk and was blabbering about nonsensical things. The old man had reprimanded me yet would somehow let me off easy.
It was my mother who laid down the law on how I should behave and function privately and publicly. Well, none of that would apply to my own son. Sure, I would instill manners and such, but I wouldn’t dare dictate his life if he chose to do something that was unconventional or something that was outside of my comfort zone.
“Apologies for calling this late, but I knew you’d be up. Am I interrupting you from anything, son?” he had the finesse to ask. Of course, he did this out of propriety. If I had said that I was preoccupied, he would simply speak over my reason and carry on, stating what he had called me for. It used to exasperate me when I was a teenager, yet somewhere along the way, I had gotten used to it. Funny, these days, it seemed quite normal to me.
“I’ve cleared my schedule just to hear you talk, Papa.”
“Oh, don’t patronize me. I called to ask if it’s okay if your mother and I visit tomorrow around lunchtime,” he chastised, but his cheerful mood sort of ruined the effect.
I didn’t check with Kimberly, but I was sure she would be accommodating. After all, she was the one who had suggested this cacophony to take place. Unpleasant though it was, I was at their mercy.
“Even if I decline you inviting yourselves into my home, it won’t make a difference. We both know that’s how that works.”
He grumbled a laugh on the other end of the line. “Nice talking to you, son. I’ll see you at lunch,” he stated elatedly before cutting the line.
My father was a lot of things, but in his own way, he loved me. I knew that deep down.
Back in the day, I had wished he were different, a father I could confide in and who was approachable. Most of my colorful past was due to rebellion from my vast disconnect with my parents. Thankfully, I had grown out of that.
I could relate to him now and see through his odd way of being. Not all fathers were created equal. Mine just happened to be unconventional and showed his love in different ways, like giving his support even though I shouldn’t have it. Though he wasn’t normally vocal about anything regarding personal matters, when he did
address them, I understood it was important. I hoped I could do the same for my son.
As a matter of fact, the other night, Kimberly and I had discussed how I would react if Gian Luca later on revealed he wasn’t straight and was playing for the other field. Would I accept him then? Would I continue to love him unconditionally? Her question had made me pause. I mean, what if that did happen? In this new generation, men and women expressed themselves freely. Gone were the days of repression.
I admitted it was a daunting prospect to consider as a parent, but I supposed, if that ever happened, nothing would truly change. Sure, it might take some time to get used to the fact, but I doubted it would diminish my love for him.
When I had made that vow that I would forever love and support my child/children, I had meant every word of it. The promise was engraved in my soul, in my heart, where it counted the most. Of course, I would prefer it didn’t come to that, because most folks here lived and breathed the church and could easily see him as a sacrilege.
Italian machismo didn’t stem from nowhere. It had quite a history, based upon centuries upon centuries of barbaric displays of strength, skills, and insurmountable acts of bravery, be it on the battlefield, at the arena, or on a mission. This country, after all, had produced gladiators and taken part in the Knights of the Templar and The Sixth Legion. There was an undying stigma for those who didn’t follow that lifestyle.
Here in Italy, we looked at things in a different perspective. Italian men were a breed of their own. Life and driving in our male populace went hand in hand. So everything we compared ourselves with would be in reference to dominant male animals or any of our well-renowned cars. Just like a traffic light, green meant go, yellow meant keep going, and red meant it’s just a suggestion. It was just how things were around here. We lived to love and loved to live.
Nevertheless, men in general were creatures of pattern. We stuck to what we knew and what worked. That was why the mere idea of abolishing siesta was truly criminal.
+++
When I announced that my parents were joining us for lunch, Kimberly wasn’t even fazed or surprised by it. She received my announcement as if she had expected it and simply shrugged and smiled at me then stated we had better have a good menu planned out.
Instead of trying to figure her out, I resumed work after checking in on the vigorous little one. Each time he and I were together, his grip on my hand became tighter until I wondered if he didn’t want me to leave him at all. Parting from him, even if it was a short walking distance downstairs, could prove to be difficult at times, most especially if he used those eyes and the tiny, heart-melting yawn. He sure knew how to play me.
Lunchtime approached, and as expected, my parents came. The four of us—for the very first time, mind you—actually sat down like civilized folks as we ate our meal outside on the veranda. It was odd at first, but Kimberly’s willingness to keep reaching out to them and engage with them—most especially my father—helped to lighten the mood. I wasn’t particularly much help. I barely engaged unless provoked, and then I would respond with a dicey word or two.
“Are you planning to go back to the track soon?” my father casually threw the question, piquing both my mother and Kimberly’s curiosity.
She and I hadn’t really discussed much of anything about the outside world and the commitment I’d had prior. We were simply living in the moment. I supposed it was high time I really considered what was the best route for my future.
Taking my time, I appeared as if I were considering his question with great care. “I want to do more with the business aspect of my life as I have been doing since I took leave.”
“As you should. You are, after all, going to inherit the family business,” he immediately interjected, seeming pleased by my answer.
“I’m thinking of expansion, but it’s still in the early stages of planning. And as for racing, I will release a statement that I’m announcing my retirement.”
The track was my everything. The smell of burnt tires, the deafening sound of the engines pushed to their maximized velocity and pressure, the roar of the crowd—everything about it would be missed, yet it was high time to move on to greener pastures.
“Are you going to do a press release?” my mother asked in a less than subtle, high-pitched tone.
She was still angling for the best way to spin the media and revert the attention to her; nothing would change there.
Shaking my head, I sent her a definitive look before uttering, “No, there’s no need for that. My accident was enough media circus; I don’t want to bring that kind of energy to my new life.”
Underneath the table, I felt Kimberly reach out to give my thigh an appreciative squeeze, as if she were pleased to hear I was making this decision.
“Happy?” I asked her.
“Very. It’s great news, Luca.” She beamed at me with those bright eyes and the kind of smile that made me forget things.
It was a good thing when the cook asked if we were ready for coffee and dessert to be served as they began to clear the table, because my mind would have resorted to lingering elsewhere. Tonight, she was going to be sharing a bed with me, so I would resume such thoughts then.
Just as she had been instructed, the nanny brought down Gian Luca. Instead of watching my parent’s reaction, though, I was looking at Kimberly’s expressive face.
A mixture of emotions played havoc within her as she watched her son.
My father and mother were both delighted at the sight of the new addition to the family. They both gushed that the little man was my mini-doppelganger and how he reminded them of when I was born. So much so that my mother was brought back to tears once again as she recalled that memory.
I wasn’t particularly moved by her epic display of being a doting grandmother. One couldn’t be blamed since I still had a ton of reservations about her sincerity. I supposed time would tell with her, but for the time being, she seemed thrilled to see the grandson she had plotted to have killed since she had been frightened that he would turn out less than perfect, and that would be an outright tragedy for the primed and guarded pedigree of our society.
They stayed for another hour before taking their leave. My father and Kimberly were getting on well. And as for my mother, they both tried to find a common ground to talk about, which wasn’t much, so they opted for the safer subject of Gian Luca. Well, maybe the operative word wasn’t safer; that would be overkill.
Nove
Today had been quite eventful. After lunch, my thoughts were basically consumed by the anticipation of tonight. I shouldn’t put much effort into fussing about it, but I took it as a token that things were moving fluidly in the right direction. I had been a starved man, vying for some affection, and I loathed myself a little for even feeling the way I was. There was nothing appealing about being too obsessive.
Shaking my head, I carried on, finishing up work. It took me about another ten minutes to send out all the required emails before I finally made my way upstairs. My mind was so boggled it took me a while to realize that Kimberly was standing in the hallway, peeking through the small crack in Gian Luca’s door.
My heart ached at the thought of the agony she experienced each day, missing her newborn baby yet not having the strength to overcome her fears.
Without another thought, I reached out to her, pulling her beside me as we both looked in the room as the nanny tried to put him to sleep.
“He misses you, too.”
I heard a sharp intake of breath from her.
“I still feel so guilty. Dad’s been telling me I should stop before this negativity takes hold of me and really takes root inside my heart. He said, if I let it fester for a long period of time, I will miss out on Gian Luca’s best years, and I might come to regret that.”
John had a point. He had delivered it rather boldly, but then again, maybe it was what she needed to hear. Her father’s words had obviously influenced her, or she wouldn’t be standing here.
�
��Come,” I whispered as I grabbed her hand. “We can do this together.”
She immediately looked startled, but she didn’t outright reject my suggestion.
“If you feel like it’s too much, we can leave, but you have to try every day, even if it’s the most difficult thing you have to do. As much as I love him, it isn’t enough, Kim. He needs you. He needs his mom.”
She nodded, and then I pushed the door to let us inside. Upon seeing me, the nanny beamed as she strode towards me and gently transferred the little bambino into my arms, allowing me to cradle his warm, tiny form.
“Do you mind giving us some privacy?” I asked softly, and she happily sprinted out of the room.
Not wanting to make her feel pressured now that we were all by ourselves, I just continued trying to put him to sleep.
As much as I adored feeding him, these nighttime rituals were my favorite, because I loved watching him sleep like the little angel he was. There was nothing more peacefully beautiful than watching my son sleep.
“May I hold him?” Kimberly meekly asked before adding, “Please.”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
She situated herself in the rocker, and then I tucked the baby in her arms. No words could fully describe how I felt when I saw tears in her eyes as she gazed down on him with such profound love.
“Mommy hasn’t been well, my little one. I’m sorry for being the way that I am, but I’m getting stronger every day. Forgive me, my love.”
It took every ounce of me to remain there, silent, unmoved as I gave her this moment to reintroduce herself into his world. I couldn’t help feeling triumphant that they had finally reunited. It was hard to comprehend that a mother who had just recently given birth to a baby would detach herself from her infant, though it was more common than one would imagine. Maybe that was why the news was filled with stories of mothers committing horrific tragedies. I wasn’t making an excuse about their actions, but one could imagine the inner workings their mind went through to get to that selfish, evil decision.