by Jane Fallon
There’s no sign of Robert. The door to our bedroom is closed, so I assume he’s sleeping off his hangover. I leave him to it.
There are no more texts from Josh. No missed calls. I pull on my trainers, put a hoody over my pyjamas and head down to the street. I deliberately don’t take my mobile with me. I need to clear my head, and running is the best way I know how. Of course, I’ve forgotten I have no bra on, so I have to run with one arm strapped across my chest, but I manage about five kilometres anyway. By the time I get home my head is still buzzing, though. Georgia is home tomorrow and, whatever else happens, I have to make sure Robert doesn’t greet her by saying, ‘So, your mum got groped at the party in front of everyone …’
I need to talk to Josh and find out what’s going on. If Saskia’s told him everything, then Robert’s going to have to tell the truth eventually. I just need that to happen sooner rather than later.
He’s sitting at the kitchen table like a big angry bear when I walk in. If I was hoping sobriety and a good night’s sleep might make him see sense, I realize I was wrong when he says:
‘So. What have you got to say for yourself this morning?’
I pick up my mobile. I don’t even care that I’m going to call Josh in front of him. ‘Give it up, Robert.’
I hit on Josh’s number. It rings and rings again, and eventually clicks on to voicemail.
‘Not answering?’ Robert says with a smug look. ‘He’s probably begging Saskia to take him back right now.’
‘As if,’ I say. But I’m not feeling as confident as I was. ‘You’re ridiculous’.
‘You said some very hurtful things last night.’ Robert pours himself more coffee. He doesn’t offer me one.
‘Jesus Christ, Robert. Give it a rest.’
‘We can’t come back from this, you know. You and him.’
‘Forget me and Josh. There is no me and Josh. But yes, it’s over. It’s what I want, it’s what you want. It’s done. You and Saskia can run off into the sunset now. I’m past caring. I’ve been past caring for months, to tell you the truth. We just need to handle this like adults, for George’s sake.’
He looks at me levelly. ‘You should have thought of that last night.’
‘I have no intention of telling her about you and Saskia, if that’s what you’re worried about. We can just say we’ve decided to live apart for a while and then take it from there. I would never want her to think badly of you, whatever’s happened. You must know that.’
He still won’t budge. He’s assumed the superior position and he’s staying there.
‘That would be because there’s nothing to tell. What she’d think about her mother and some random man giving a room full of people a floor show, I have no idea, though.’
It’s all I can do not to punch him. He’s so pleased with himself, so self-righteous.
I hit Josh’s number again. Nothing. Where the hell is he? I think about all those times Robert moaned that he was weak, ineffectual. I know how persuasive Saskia can be. I know how much Josh values his marriage vows, even though his feelings for her have changed. It would be typical of the person I’ve come to realize she is if she convinced him to stay with her just to spite me.
I have no idea what to do.
And then the doorbell rings.
53
Paula
I open the door, and there they are, Josh and Saskia, standing on my doorstep.
Robert and I have spent most of the morning in different rooms. I am a furious ball of frustration; he is doing his best turn as the disappointed husband let down by his cheating wife. I have no idea how long he can keep this up. All I want is for him to tell me the truth, and then we can move on.
My eyes go straight to Josh first. I want reassurance. He smiles, but I feel as if it doesn’t reach his eyes. I put a hand on to the door frame to steady myself. Saskia is looking anywhere but at me.
‘You’d better come in.’
I take them straight through to the living room, where Robert is now sitting up. Any thoughts I had that Saskia might have communicated their upcoming visit to him dissipate when I see the look on his face. He stands up to meet them head on.
Of course, he has to stay in character – by which I mean he has to remember that his main motivation is supposed to be anger at Josh, not guilt, or even love, on seeing Saskia.
‘What’s this all about?’ Robert barks at Josh.
‘I thought we all needed to talk.’
‘I don’t think I’ve got anything to say to you,’ Robert says. I wonder whether I’m supposed to offer to make our visitors tea. I’m not sure whether there’s a rule for good etiquette in these circumstances. I decide that leaving the room would be a bad idea.
‘Well, we’ve got plenty to say to you, haven’t we, Sas?’ She looks at him, like a shelter dog looks at the person who’s finally taking them home. And he looks back at her with a reassuring smile. That’s it, I think. That’s the look that tells me they’ve decided to save their marriage.
I try to focus on what’s important. When I started this, Josh was never part of the plan. I just need to flush the truth out of Robert. I just have to stop him announcing to our daughter that I’m the one responsible for the break-up of our marriage.
‘Sit down,’ I finally manage to say. They perch next to one another on the sofa. Saskia reaches out and takes Josh’s hand. For the first time, she looks at me. I had thought that maybe she was feeling guilty, but it’s a look of pure defiance. Robert, back in his armchair, can’t hide the fact that he’s noticed either. His mask slips for just a second and shows the shock and hurt underneath. Well, that’s something, I suppose.
Josh gives Saskia a little nod of encouragement. She smiles weakly.
‘We … that’s Joshie and I … thought we should all handle this like adults …’
I snort. I can’t help myself. Saskia ignores me.
‘… and clear the air. After all, some of us have to work together.’
Robert pipes up, as if he’s still working from an old script, unaware that the rest of us got the rewrites. ‘That’s going to be hard after what we witnessed between these two last night, frankly.’
Saskia practically does a double-take. She obviously assumed he would have admitted the truth to me by now.
‘And after what we’ve been doing, Robbie. You and me.’
He blusters. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘I’ve told him. About us. The flat. Everything.’ She turns to me, puts on her best penitent face. ‘This is going to hurt me as much as it’s going to hurt you.’ Obviously, Josh hasn’t completely filled her in. ‘I’m really sorry to have to tell you this, Paula, but Robbie and I have been having an affair.’
She waits for my big reaction. Instead, I just laugh. ‘I know. I’ve known for as long as I’ve known you. Did “Joshie” not tell you that?’
‘Don’t be so ridiculous.’ Robert is glaring at her, willing her to shut up. ‘I don’t know what your game is, Saskia, but we’re here to talk about Josh and Paula.’
‘Actually, Robert, we’re not,’ Josh says. ‘We’re here to talk about you and Saskia.’
‘There is no me and Saskia! How many times?’
‘Robbie, I’ve told him everything. There’s no point trying to deny it any more.’
‘She showed me these, look.’ Josh produces a bunch of scraps of paper from his pocket. He holds one up. ‘Tomorrow afternoon? Told P I have golf. Hotel? Or your place if J is at work? R xx’.
‘You old romantic, you,’ I say. His face has gone purple.
Josh starts on another one. ‘Darling S …’
‘Oooh,’ I say. ‘Better’.
‘… a thousand apologies for yesterday. I just get so jealous when I see you …’
‘OK. Enough,’ Robert barks.
‘There’s more.’ Josh holds the rest of the scraps of paper aloft. I notice for the first time that there are cards in there too. ‘A lot more, as you can see.’
/> I catch Robert looking at Saskia. She doesn’t meet his eye.
There’s silence for a moment, and then Robert says, ‘At least we tried to protect you from the truth.’
That’s too much for me. ‘Since when was that a good thing?’
‘And besides,’ Josh says, ‘I assume that, when you moved into together, we might have noticed.’
Robert ignores him. ‘I’m sorry, Paula. I never meant to hurt you. It just happened.’
‘Did you swallow a dictionary of clichés? What next? “It’s me, not you?” “I love you but I’m not in love with you”?’
Josh lets out a small laugh. ‘So, how long?’
‘I thought Saskia had told you all the details,’ Robert snaps.
‘I’d like to hear them from you,’ I say.
So then he tells me, finally, all the details I already know, and a few more I don’t like: where they used to go if they couldn’t go to Saskia and Josh’s house (a small but discreet hotel in Bayswater), and when it first happened (after a particularly gruelling location shoot, when they decided to reward themselves with a few drinks in the bar of the hotel). I listen to it all in silence. I don’t really care, except with the forensic interest of a coroner. What’s really bugging me is what’s happening between Saskia and Josh.
Eventually, Robert runs out of steam. ‘So, yes,’ he says, ‘I love Saskia.’ He looks at her, and she still doesn’t look at him. ‘And, yes, we have found a flat, and we’re moving in together.’
‘See,’ I say. ‘It wasn’t that hard, was it?’
He grunts like a sulky child.
‘So,’ I carry on, and now I’m addressing him and him only. ‘We need to decide what to do about George. Whatever that is, we need to present a united front. No mud-slinging. No telling her about my non-existent affair with Josh to make me look like the bad guy …’
‘I won’t,’ he says, and he finally has the good grace to look a bit sheepish.
‘It’s going to come as a massive shock to her that you have a girlfriend in the first place, let alone that you’re moving in together, so we have to do as much damage limitation as we can. Agreed?’
‘Agreed.’
‘Let’s just all behave like grown-ups and get through this without hurting anyone else, OK? It might, for example, be a good idea if you went somewhere else temporarily, instead of straight into the flat. Let her get used to the whole idea of you and Saskia slowly. Even if it was just for show – not that I’m encouraging any more lies.’
‘We could do that,’ Robert says. He looks to Saskia for confirmation. She looks at her fingernails. I have no idea whether Robert has picked up that there’s something not right, but I definitely have.
‘Good,’ I say. ‘That’s a start.’
Robert actually smiles, as if we’re all friends now. Finally, he can have his cake and eat it. I’m not going to say that doesn’t irk me, but I remind myself it’s the end result that matters.
He puffs his chest up. ‘I must say, Paula, you’re being very reasonable about this, and I want to tell you I appreciate that. And Josh. Hopefully, we can all stay friends.’
He actually said that. I look at Josh, hoping to share a smirk, but he seems to be looking at Saskia’s fingernails too.
Suddenly, she speaks.
‘Actually, Robbie, things have changed. I’m not … I don’t think I’m going to be moving into the flat after all.’ She turns to Josh and gives him a big, beaming smile. I fight the urge to throw up.
‘Joshie and I have decided to make it work. He’s forgiven me … well, he’s going to try … and I’ve forgiven him for, you know …’ She casts half a glance at me at this point. I imagine she can’t resist the urge to see the shock on my face. I try to remain impassive. I felt it. I knew something like this was coming.
Of course, the real drama is playing out in Robert’s expression. His mouth hangs open. Eyes wide. It’s almost comical. Or it would be if I didn’t feel so wretched myself.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Saskia says. ‘It just took me a while to realize what I really wanted.’
I, I, I. As usual, Saskia is able to justify any bit of bad behaviour, because it’s what she wants. And what Saskia wants, Saskia gets.
‘Good for you,’ I say, mustering as much genuine warmth as I’m capable of. I look at Josh as I say this. I’m not giving Saskia the time of day. ‘I hope it works out.’
‘Oh, it will,’ she says, with a patronizing smirk.
Robert has coloured a nice shade of puce. ‘But …’ he splutters. ‘What are you talking about? Your marriage is dead, you’ve told me that a million times.’
‘I wasn’t thinking straight.’
‘For two years?’ He’s raising his voice. ‘I risked everything for you.’
‘And I did for you,’ Saskia says. She’s holding on to Josh’s hand now. His fingers look as if they’re turning white. ‘But things have changed. It happens. I’m not trying to hurt you.’
‘Well, you’re doing a bloody good job of that.’
‘Robbie, please …’
‘So that’s it? After everything we’ve been through, all the sacrifices I’ve made for you …’
I almost laugh here – the idea of Robert making any kind of sacrifice for anyone. It’s all I can do to get him to put the bins out.
‘… you’re just going to tell me that you’re staying with … him?’ He spits the last word out as if it’s poison.
‘I am. I’m sorry.’
‘Stop saying you’re sorry. You’re not sorry, or you wouldn’t be doing it.’
I watch back and forth. Josh does the same. It’s like being at Wimbledon.
Saskia, for once in her life, keeps quiet. But Robert isn’t finished yet.
‘So, for the record, what you’re saying is that you no longer love me?’
The words hang out there in the room. You could hear a pin drop. All our eyes are on Saskia. I feel like saying that if either of them could channel half this emotion on screen, Farmer Giles would be an entirely different show, but, of course, I don’t. I don’t want to break the moment. After all, isn’t this what we’ve been working towards all these months? The implosion of Roskia? Even if I had started to hope it would be under different circumstances. Saskia gives a little sigh.
‘No. I mean, yes, I don’t think I do. The bottom line is that, when it came to it, I realized I still loved Josh.’
Robert looks like a dog toy after fifteen rounds with a Rottweiler. As if all the stuffing has been knocked out of him. He crumples.
‘Unbelievable.’
‘I’m so sorry, Robbie, it’s over,’ Saskia adds, just in case he hadn’t got the message.
‘So … nothing I could say …’ Robert says, and it’s so pathetic I almost feel sorry for him.
Saskia looks over at Josh again, gives his hand a little squeeze. He rewards her with an encouraging smile.
‘Nothing.’
I can’t bring myself to look at them, love’s old dream. I can’t believe for a minute it won’t still end in tears further down the line. Saskia is way too much of a narcissist to spend the rest of her life with one man. Or maybe he’ll just let her go off and do her thing and still be sitting there patiently when she decides to come home.
I assume this is where we all part ways. Where Saskia and Josh go off into the sunset and I’m left with the husk formerly known as Robert. Saskia must read my mind, because she turns to Josh, gives him another sickly smile, and says, ‘Shall we go home?’
I’m half standing up, eager to see the back of them – although not so eager to have to spend time alone with Robert – when something stops me in my tracks.
Josh looks right at me and, I don’t know if I’m imagining it, but I think he gives me the tiniest of winks.
Then he places Saskia’s hand very deliberately back on her own lap.
‘Well,’ he says. ‘Thank fuck that’s over.’
Part Three
* * *
; 54
Three months later
Paula
I hardly recognize her when I see her. The hair’s the same. Tousled and blonde, looking as if it could do with a good brushing. And the eyeliner. But precious little else.
Pregnancy suits her. At least, the fact that being pregnant has made her look after herself for a change suits her. She’s lost that tortured-artist look. For the first time since I’ve known her, Alice looks happy.
She gives me a big hug when she spots me, laughing that her considerable bump gets in the way. She still basically just says, ‘Mwah! Mwah!’ into my ear rather than kissing me, but I feel as if she does it with affection.
I hold her at arm’s length.
‘You look fantastic.’
‘I look pregnant,’ she says, rolling her eyes.
‘You definitely do.’
We’re here for her scan. I missed the last one because, in the aftermath of my and Robert’s break-up, I felt as if I should stay away. I assumed that she would take Robert’s side – Christ knows what version of the truth he would have presented her with – and that she wouldn’t want anything to do with me out of loyalty to him. Truth is, I felt rather relieved not to have to deal with her any more.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, she got in touch with me. She missed me, she said. (Really?) She still wanted me to be an auntie to her baby. (Why?) In the end, I agreed to meet up with her just because I didn’t quite know how to say no.
‘OK, awkward stuff over with first,’ she says as we wait for the lift. ‘I’m very cross with Robbie, and I’ve told him that. The way he’s behaved towards you …’
This from Alice. Alice who has practically made a career out of dating married men.
‘Thanks, but you don’t need to apologize for him.’
‘I’m just saying I told him he’d been a dickhead. He should have appreciated what he had when he had it.’