by Amanda Tru
“Lauren told me. At least you can enjoy it during our sessions.” What made him add, “And if Preston decides he likes it, I can find something else. I got a great deal, so…” he couldn’t explain—even to himself.
“I should say, ‘No! It’s your desk now.’ I should, but I won’t. If he says he’ll find me one like it, I’m going to let him. And if he can’t… I’ll accept that offer. I seriously was going to buy it the day after he proposed. Then I realized it wasn’t his style. And if you saw his mother’s house…”
After making a mental note to ask why his mother’s taste in decor should matter to her and her husband, Ty seated himself opposite her in the matching chair and suggested they start with prayer. Her hand wiped at tears when she nodded. “Are you okay?”
Lara shrugged. “Mostly. I… well, I really wanted him here, you know. It’s weird doing marriage counseling without the other half.”
“We can postpone…” Even as he offered, Ty balked. They didn’t have time for all he wanted, much less reschedules that likely would never happen.
The planner clattered to the floor, and Lara folded her hands in her lap. “No, let’s get started. I’m just being selfish and silly.”
Or like a normal woman who wants a profitable session…
With nothing else to do, Ty leaned his forearms on his knees and clasped his hands together. “Lord, we sit here together, in Your presence, asking Your blessing on this time. Please help me remember that marriage is more than just a serious undertaking. Help me keep the joy in the occasion and in our discussions. We ask that I will lead our discussion in each path You wish it to take, and hold me back when my own will steps in where it shouldn’t. May everything we do and say bring honor to You and to Preston and Lara’s relationship…”
Seconds passed before Lara added, “Lord, please make me teachable instead of stubborn, strong where I should be, and that I will only desire to glorify You.”
After another second or two, Ty closed the prayer and leaned back, beaming. “Okay, well, we’re both having a first today. I’ve never done my full-counseling program. I have an abbreviated version I use for people who aren’t members of mine or any church, but it’s more conflict resolution and pre-planning for family integration than actual marriage prep.”
He’d reached for his notes and Bible when Lara’s phone blipped. She fumbled with the coat she’d draped over the back of her chair until she retrieved her phone. The eagerness she’d displayed shifted to disappointment and finally resolve. “I’m sorry. It’s the caterer. I need to take it.”
“Go ahead. I’m in no rush.”
She’d answered the call the moment he said, “ahead.”
Listening one-sided made it awkward but not too difficult to follow. They needed to change the order—no shrimp on the menu after all. “No, it’s not an allergy concern. I just forgot that there were some foods we can’t serve. I’m thinking we need a salmon option and then vegan options as well.”
Her expression shifted as she listened. “No, vegan—not vegetarian. There can’t be any—”
Again, she listened, her mouth growing tauter and more rigid with each passing second. “No—” A full three seconds passed before she broke in again. “Excuse me— Excuse me. If you cannot handle the order as I give it, and make a full ingredient list of everything you plan to use so I may get it approved ahead of time, I need to know now.”
As she listened, Lara closed her eyes and took several long, slow breaths. If he’d thought it would help, Ty would have ripped the phone from her hands and told the person on the other end to show a little customer service and respect. As it turned out, she didn’t need him. She snatched up her planner and began flipping through the pages. “I can see this won’t work for either of us. I apologize for taking up so much of your time, but I’ve decided to cancel the booking. As per my contract…” A few papers appeared, followed by a nod. “I request that all but the non-refundable ten percent of the deposit be returned to me by next Friday, the 29th.”
This time, he could hear rumbles of the other end of the conversation, but Lara put a stop to that. “I am well within the cancellation period. Should I not receive that refund by the 29th, you’ll hear from my lawyer. Have a nice day.”
The moment Lara disconnected, she sagged against the chair, visibly spent. “Ugh. I hate confrontation.”
Ty reached for her hand and squeezed it. “You did great. I had no idea you weren’t totally in your element.”
“It’s part of the job—most jobs have that element.”
“You think?”
She nodded. “Sure. You have to confront a brother in sin or someone who is at odds with another brother. The lawyer has to deal with a lazy office assistant or someone who didn’t file something properly. Doctors—patients who try to game the system for drugs. We all deal with it every day, but man, I hate it. I was so sure it was just the restaurant industry. I was going to quit, get married, and have babies.”
He snickered.
“Right? I know, but it was a bad day, and I wasn’t thinking. Told my friend about it and she about choked me through the airwaves. ‘You think I make it through an hour without conflict? Are you serious? I can’t make it through nap time without it! They fight me in their sleep!’”
“People do tend to underestimate the value of motherhood and homemaking.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t. Not anymore. Funny, though. It’s all I ever wanted to do when I was younger.”
This was getting them somewhere. “And now that you’re getting married? Will you be choosing to stay home and have a family?”
The recoil nearly took him out. “No! Not for a while, anyway—years. We’re taking all that slowly.”
The session began—at first, just a rehash of how they met and got engaged. “So,” he began after the preliminaries. “I wanted to know why you decided to get married.”
“Funny, Brenna asked me that, too. Sorta. She asked why I said yes when I did.” In an almost inaudible whisper, she added, “I didn’t like my answer.” Her eyelids shot up, and those gray eyes pleaded with him. “Is that bad?”
“Not necessarily. What was the answer?”
“I didn’t have a reason not to?” At his silence, she added, “Of course, I love him. It’s not that I just didn’t have anything better to do that day. But… I don’t know. Her answer about Mitchell was so much more… it was deeper.”
Those words doused the question he’d begun to form. “Wait, what? She and Mitchell are engaged?”
“No!” Lara’s cheeks pinked. When had he ever thought that attractive? “I just told her I’d only answer her questions if she answered the same one about Mitchell. So she said she went out with him because he was the first guy who ever made her want to flirt with him.”
I’ll have to try to convince her to let him know that. Ty had formulated an opinion when he remembered the cardinal rule of counseling. Ask questions unless asked a question. Instead, he asked, “And you liked her answer better than yours?”
“Don’t you? Which girl would you want to marry?”
The one who I can’t stop thinking about?
“The one who decided she didn’t have a reason not to marry you? Or the one who was never tempted to flirt until you?”
Okay, when you put it that way… God’s mercies are new every morning, and some afternoons, too. “Um… so you’re saying you’ve never been tempted to flirt?”
“Well, of course—oh. I get it. I’m not Brenna.”
“Right. And, I’m sure you flirt with Preston.” Her silence assured him that she didn’t. Awkward. “If you’re not comfortable with your level of flirting, perhaps you should pray about that. If you think that it’s something that would enrich your relationship…” Ty let that thought trail off. How inane can you get? You don’t add flirting to a relationship the way you add fiber to regulate your diet.
“Yeah. I’ll think about that.”
“How do your friends and family
feel about your engagement?”
The way her face fell told him all he needed to know. As she described her parents’ prejudices against those with money, red flag after red flag shot into the air. “But,” Lara added, “Brenna has been so supportive. She says it’s hard for parents to see their little girls grow up, and when we’re so far away, they can only see what Hollywood says about wealthy people on TV. They don’t know any Christians who also happen to have money.”
“I think that’s reasonable. Do you think they’ll accept him in time?”
“Oh, sure. They finally accepted that I wasn’t going to join some union just because it exists. Someday they’ll even forgive me for voting for that last president.” The wink she shot his way dried out his mouth.
“Excellent. Now…” He checked his notes. “This is something you may need to discuss later and then come back with, but it is important. Have either of you been in love before?”
“I haven’t—well, not since sixth grade when Simon Kim broke my heart and dumped me for my arch enemy.” After a smile that hinted she was long over that hurt, she shrugged. “Other than that, no… I mean,” Lara added, “I’ve had a few boyfriends I really cared about, but never in love. I’m not even sure I believe in that the way people talk about it. I think love is something you do, and doing it produces the emotions we’re so wrapped up in.”
Lara, no… don’t marry someone as a checklist. We’ll have to get into what you mean by love… like next week. “And what about Preston? Do you know about his past relationships?”
Here, she hesitated before shaking her head. “I mean, I’ve gotten hints about something serious in the past, but he doesn’t talk about it.”
“Well, you can ask him about it. Next on my list is attractiveness—what attracted you to Preston?”
She described his comfort in his own skin, the kind way he treated people, and his consideration for her and her comfort. It sounded like an excellent description of a butler, as far as Ty was concerned, but he kept his opinions to himself and moved to the last thing on his list—the one he always hated asking, but asked every couple regardless. Most brushed it aside at best. A few mocked him, but he wouldn’t relent.
“Okay, I just have one more assessment question, and we’re done for today. I’ve got homework for you guys…” He passed over the folders he’d prepared, and the moment she relaxed, he dropped a giant elephant in the room and prayed it wouldn’t crush toes.
“Have either of you been involved in pornography in the past, or are you at present?”
Her eyes widened, and her face went gray. “I never—I never even thought—oh, ick. I can’t imagine, but… ick!”
“Can I take that as a no for you, then?”
“Absolu—” She froze. “Well… I mean, technically no, but…”
Oh, Lara…
“In college, I got into reading romances… um… steamy ones.”
Everyone’s definition of “steamy” was different, in his experience. One woman didn’t want too detailed of a kiss description, whereas another’s might be four hundred pages of a single, highly-detailed bedroom scene. He almost wished he didn’t have to ask. “Um, and by steamy…”
“Well, I’m not comfortable bringing those details up, but they were inappropriate. I didn’t think so at the time, but after hearing teaching at a women’s retreat, I couldn’t get it out of my head until I realized that I was basically in people’s bedrooms emotionally and mentally partaking of private things. If it had been in a movie, I would have walked out or changed the channel, but in a book…”
Lord, how many women would not only see that and change but admit it, too? How do I encourage her without seeming to condone what isn’t right?
“Look, I know it was wrong. I didn’t—not at first. I thought as long as they weren’t real people, it wasn’t lust. Can’t be a sin if the person isn’t real, right? But yeah, it made me think of things and situations differently. It made me think about guys I dated differently. So, I tossed them. Now, I only read books that get clean ratings from a few trusted blogs. It helps.”
“Are you ever tempted to pick up those other ones again?”
The cheeks that had gone pink flamed an awful, sunburned-looking red. “Yeah… sometimes. Especially after a stressful day. I think I used them almost like a drug because that’s when the thought comes that I can totally just read something and skip most of the worst bits. But then I call a friend, and we pray about it. I don’t want to get in the habit of objectifying relationships that way.”
What else could he say? Ty told her he’d keep her in his prayers, led them in a parting prayer for wisdom and peace during the counseling and wedding preparation weeks ahead, and walked her as far as Church Street before returning to his office. Lord, does this guy have any clue what a gem he’s unearthed?
Instead of Sunday dinner with the St. Jameses that week, Lara and Preston sat at her dining table, a plate of “buffalo sprouts” between them and Ty’s homework in hand. “So, he asked if either of us had ever been in love, and I answered, but he said it was most important that we talk to each other about it, too.”
“I don’t see what that has to do with anything. We’re getting married because we love each other, not because we loved someone else once.”
Two things became clear with those words. First, Preston was evading the question—deliberately. Additionally, and even worse because he had been in love, he didn’t want to tell her. But why not? Obviously, it’s over. She gave him a surreptitious look while reaching for a buffalo sprout. Unless it’s not… not completely. What if he still loves her?
“Lara?”
“I think we should answer. I told him about Simon Kim in the sixth grade and how he dumped me for the only girl in school that I hated.” In an effort to get him to open up, she added, “I didn’t tell Ty that Simon’s why I didn’t go to prom. He asked me, but I didn’t go just so I could say I turned him down. It felt good.”
His thumb traced the outline of her ring. “And no one since then?”
Unsure why the question annoyed her, Lara just shrugged and reached for her third buffalo sprout. “I was busy starting my career. I didn’t have time for dating—not even you.”
“But you did.”
A small smile formed in spite of herself. “You kind of didn’t give me a choice.”
“I know what I like.”
I’m just lucky you happened to be what I like, or else where would we be? The question formed, laid itself out there, and waited. Only when Preston started to move to the next question did Lara realize what was wrong with it. We wouldn’t be anywhere. There wouldn’t be a we if I didn’t like you. An honest part of herself tried to add, Would there? but Lara stuffed it down. Of course, there wouldn’t.
“So about the—?”
“You didn’t tell me about who you were in love with.”
“It’s not important.”
As far as Lara was concerned, it was important. If anything, it was more important every passing second. “I’m not sure I agree. Maybe I’m insecure, but I don’t like the idea of you hiding someone you loved from me. It makes me wonder when you’ll decide to go back to her because I’m just not enough.”
Preston snatched back his hand and grabbed the papers as if they held the answers to all life’s problems. “That won’t happen.”
“I can’t be sure of that, Preston. You dismiss my feelings, but—”
“She’s dead, Lara. I don’t want to talk about it.”
And now I feel like a troll.
He glared at the papers while Lara tried to think of some way to apologize for pushing—some way that didn’t imply she was wrong to ask. Still, no matter how she mentally phrased it, she sounded penitent instead of apologetic. That happened a lot lately.
Just as she gave up and started to offer condolences on his loss, Preston started. “Pornography?” He stared at her. “What kind of pastor do you have?”
“What do you mean?”
Mouth dry, Lara could only repeat to herself, Please don’t say you think it’s no big deal, on an endless loop through her heart.
“Why would he think this of Christian people?”
The words sucked dry any remaining moisture in her throat. After a steadying “shot” of water, Lara blurted out her confession. “I told him I used to be addicted to romance novels. You should know that, too.”
“That’s hardly porn.”
She loved him for saying it, but honesty forced her to contradict him. “The stuff I read was as much porn on the page for me as anything in a magazine would be for a guy addicted to that stuff. I didn’t read actual erotica, but for me, it might as well have been.”
Once spoken, Lara would have been tempted to break laws to get the words back. Instead, she waited for his reaction. A sneer? A frown? What would it be?
Preston scooted his chair closer, wrapped his arms around her, and held her close. “I think I understand what you’re saying. I want to argue that you’re oversensitive to it—that it wasn’t as bad as you’re making it out to be. It’s just a book. No one was objectified in the making of that book. But, even as I say that I realize it discounts your conscience. If the Lord convicted you of what you read, then you were wrong to read it.”
She didn’t know how to respond to that. It wasn’t that his words were disingenuous. Rather, the tone and his demeanor felt stitched with scratchy embroidery. Each second that passed only added to the irrational irritation, so she murmured a half-hearted, “Thanks,” and snatched up another buffalo sprout.
Lord, forgive me, but I suddenly want a real buffalo wing. With meat. Actual chicken meat. And the thing is, he wouldn’t care if I did. Would he? It’s me. All me. Once she’d gotten started, Lara couldn’t stop her thoughts. Why do I feel like I know him less now that we’re engaged than I did before we were? Why am I suddenly awkward around him?
“You’re probably waiting for my answer. No, I’ve never had a problem with porn. I’ve seen it. I wasn’t interested. I never looked again and didn’t linger when I ran across it.”