“You know,” she said, “I've noticed that you miss a lot of afternoon classes. I try to call your mother but she's never home.”
“She's home,” I said. “She's always home. She just doesn't like to get up and answer the phone.” It felt good to run my mom down like that. I'm not sure why.
Mrs. Leary didn't say anything for a long time, but when we pulled into the driveway, she said, “Are you okay at home?”
“Yeah. Fine.”
“Anything going on that someone should know about?”
“No. I'm fine.”
“We could get you a good counselor.”
“I don't need one.”
“I think your mother and the principal will decide that. You might not end up with a choice in the matter.”
I shrugged. I was thinking, So what's new?
I hoped she'd just drop me off, but she came to the door. Mom was up, still in her robe, but up. She must've slept late, because I could tell she hadn't had much to drink yet, and I was relieved that she looked okay.
Mrs. Leary said, “Cynthia has a note to explain why she's home in the middle of the day.” Then she left us alone.
“So. Where's the note?” “I think I left it in my locker at school.” “Are you in trouble?”
“Just a little.”
“Will you bring the note hometomorrow? Right away?”
“Yeah, I promise.”
“Nothing I need to know about sooner?”
“No. No big deal.”
She didn't look completely satisfied, but she poured herself a drink and didn't bring it up again. I was kind of relieved and insulted at the same time. It was like she didn't even care enough to find out the truth. It was like she could take anything that pissed her off and just make it evaporate into thin air.
CHAPTER 5
Swimming Upside Down
That night, after it got dark, I slipped out of the house and walked over to Snake's. I figured he'd be home, because he couldn't work on our car in the dark. Maybe we could leave early. Like soon. Like before I had to deal with all the flak. I didn't know if the car was ready, but I knew it ran. I hadn't actually seen it run, but I'd been told. I was so ready to disappear, I felt like I was about to explode. And I wanted to see Bill so bad. I felt like another ten minutes would be too long to wait.
Snake's father answered the door. He was a big man with hair all bushy on the sides and missing completely on top. He had a plastic bag full of ice on his eye, and before I even said anything I could tell he was in a bad mood.
“Is Snake home?”
“No.”
“Oh. Do you know where he is?”
“No.” “Oh. Maybe when he gets back— ”
“He won't, if he's smart.”
“Oh. Okay. Bye.”
I walked as fast as I could back to the street, but the door was still open, and I thought I could feel him watching me. It felt like something cold all down my back. I tried not to run.
I had no idea Snake's dad was so scary. I guess he didn't want me to know.
I decided I'd a million times rather live with my mom than Snake's dad. I decided Snake's got it worse than me.
Halfway home I saw Snake coming right down the sidewalk at me. He had a big towel that he was holding up to his mouth and a lot of blood on his shirt. So I felt partly scared about what happened to him and partly glad to see him.
I said, “Snake. What happened?”
He said, “You want to get out of this town, you better pack.
Your ride's leaving.”
I really, really wished he could have said something friendlier to me. I needed someone to be friendly. And usually Snake was. See? This is why you should never think you've got something in somebody.
I said we should sleep first. I said, “I could slip you into my house, and we'll leave in the morning, when it's light.” When everything would seem friendlier, I was thinking. But I didn't want to say that.
Snake said, “When we're out of this town, then I'll sleep.” He went to get the car, and I went to my room to pack. It was hard to know what to take. First I wanted to take everything, like it was all me, then I got frustrated and decided nothing meant anything, anyway. Only Bill was important. I could hear Snake doing little beeps on the horn out back. I stuffed my suitcases with clothes and left everything else except my diary. The more of my old life I left behind, the better.
Mom was passed out on the couch. I snapped my fingers, but she didn't open her eyes. So I said goodbye to her. That way she could never say I left without even saying goodbye. It wasn't my fault if she was too drunk to notice. It wasn't my fault if she got to disappear first.
We were twenty miles out of town before I got Snake to show me what was under the towel. He had a big split in his lower lip, and it was all puffed up and still bleeding. I said I thought maybe he'd need stitches for that, but he shook his head. I think it's because stitches would have been expensive, but I'm not sure. He didn't much want to talk, and I didn't blame him.
After an hour or two we found a place to pull off onto a dirt road. Not much traffic. He put the seat back and closed his eyes. I couldn't figure out if he was asleep or not.
I guess that was a moment I'd been worried about. Like Snake might suddenly announce it was time to be his girlfriend for real. But he was upset, and his mouth must've hurt. I think he wanted to be left alone. In fact, he was acting like he was alone, like I wasn't there at all.
I could hear crickets and some yapping noises that might have been dogs or coyotes. And a car now and then on the highway. I closed my eyes and it all sounded so loud to me, and I wondered if this was how you felt if you were blind and everything else got much clearer.
I could see my mom's face behind my eyelids, and it was almost hard to believe I didn't live there with her anymore. How could so much have changed so fast? It was such a weird feeling.
I said, “Now I'm thinking my mom wasn't so bad.” I said it out loud to Snake, even though I didn't know if he was listening. He didn't say anything, and he didn't open his eyes, but I kept talking. “At least when she got mad she slapped instead of punching. Nothing on me ever got bruised up or bloody.”
I was actually starting to wish I was home. At least at home you always know what's going to happen. You know it's going to be bad, but at least you know.
I looked over at Snake and I saw he was crying a little. It made me feel terrible. I thought at least Snake knew what he was doing. Even if I didn't.
“Snake,” I said. “Please don't cry.”
He said something I couldn't understand. His lip had been swelling up, and now you couldn't even tell what he was saying. But from the way he said it, I had a feeling he was trying to say he wasn't crying. He turned his face partway away so I couldn't see.
“Everybody cries,” I said, and then he started crying a lot harder, so it was way too late to pretend. He just sort of came apart when I said that.
I wasn't sure what to do. I did the only thing I could think of. I moved the towel away and I kissed him. Just kind of quick. Just for a second.
He made the weirdest noise. It was like a giant grunt, like a big, dangerous animal roaring out loud. It scared me. I thought, you're not supposed to make a sound like that when somebody kisses you. Are you? His hand flew up to his lip and I realized I'd hurt him.
“Oh, Snake. I'm sorry. Did I make it bleed again?”
I reached up to try to turn on the inside light of the car but he was trying to say something to me, something I couldn't make out. It was like other people trying to understand Bill. Finally I got what he was saying.
“Doesn't work.”
I guess I should have figured in an old car like this one, the light wouldn't work. I never did find out if I made his lip bleed again.
“I'm sorry, Snake.”
“It's okay,” he said, or something like that. He mumbled something that made it sound like it was okay.
I put my head down on his shoulder and I pu
t my arms around him, like I do with Bill when he's upset. We tried to go to sleep. I was pretty scared for sleeping, though. I felt like I might never sleep again.
Then I thought about Bill, and how soon I'd see him, and that put me in a much better mood.
Snake dropped me two blocks from Nanny and Grampop's house. We agreed to meet at the gas station three blocks over when I was done, which probably wouldn't be until nearly morning.
I felt bad that Snake had to sleep in the car again, but I couldn't think of any way around that. It was about dinnertime.
I said, “I'll sneak you something if I possibly can.”
“Thank you,” he said. “That would be nice.” Then he said, “We should think where we're going. We should have a plan.”
I didn't really like the idea of a plan. I just wanted to disappear. I didn't even want to know to where. Just like those kids in Zack's story—when they climbed up in those trees, they didn't have a plan.
“Maybe we'll talk about that later,” I said.
My knees felt kind of gooey and shaky while I walked up their driveway. Mom must have called them by now. Any fool could figure I'd show up wherever Bill was, first thing. Didn't take a high school graduate to figure that out.
I'd never been a very good liar—people seemed to look right through me like I was a fishbowl or something. But I'd better get good, and fast. Bill's future was at stake. Oh yeah, and mine, too.
Nanny came to the door. Her hair wasn't perfect. It threw me off completely. I forgot what I'd planned to say first.
“Cynthia. Thank God. Your mother's been worried sick about you.”
“I'm surprised she noticed I was gone.” I meant to say something nicer and more cooperative, but that's what came out. It felt like I couldn't pass up a chance to run her down. It was like letting something out that had to get out. Something that was clawing me to death from the inside.
“Now, now. Let's not talk like that. Come in, dear. How did you get here? Do you want us to drive you home?”
“First I want to see Bill.” As soon as I said his name, I heard him in the next room, saying, “Thynnie. Thynnie.” All of a sudden my whole life felt sad, everybody's whole life. The whole world got sadder than it had been a minute ago, and I started to cry, even though I tried real hard to keep it in. “Please just let me see Bill.”
She didn't answer, so I walked past her and followed his voice. He was in a playpen in the living room, bouncing up and down because he could hear me but he couldn't get to me.
I picked him up. I felt real bad because I couldn't tell him it wasn't my idea, his going away. I guess that was the part I'd always felt worst about, that I couldn't tell him how hard I'd fought. It was such an awful thought that I hadn't really had it until just that moment.
He kept saying, “Thynnie. Thynnie.” It was like a song. Something that made me feel really good inside. It's funny how easy it is to lose track of why anything means anything, and then all of a sudden something reminds you. I hugged him, and we rocked back and forth. He was heavier than I remembered, but I didn't put him down.
Nanny was standing behind me. I didn't know how long she'd been there. She said, “We just finished dinner, but I'll make you up a plate. Then you'll get a good night's sleep, and Grampop will drive you home in the morning.”
I slipped a plastic bag out of her kitchen drawer and stuck it in my pocket. She gave me a plate of chicken and French fries and coleslaw. I asked to take it upstairs to Bill's room. I said I was tired and upset and needed privacy, which was not entirely lying.
I ate the coleslaw, because it would have made everything else soggy, and I put the chicken and French fries in the bag, and then after a few minutes I went downstairs and asked for seconds.
Nanny came into our room right before we put the lights out. I still hadn't seen Grampop, and I was a little worried about that, because maybe he was too mad to talk to me.
Nanny said, “Why, Cynthia? What was the point of worrying us like that?”
“I have a right to see Bill.”
“Why didn't you ask?”
“Oh, sure. Like she would have let me.”
“You still have to do things the right way.”
I think my whole life changed, just in that second. Because I'd been trying to do things the right way, my whole life. The way everybody told me life is supposed to work. And when Nanny said that, it got so clear that it was all a crock. Their way doesn't get you anywhere. I felt like I was swimming in a pool and I was pushing to get to the top and then just when I expected to break the surface and breathe air I hit my head on the bottom. You know how that feels? Like you were so sure it was up but all of a sudden you find out it was down, and you can't imagine how you could've been so wrong. How everything could be so the opposite of what you thought.
I knew the next words out of my mouth would be a lie. Because I was done trying to talk to Nanny. I was done telling the truth.
“Well, I'm sorry I worried everybody, Nanny. I'll go home in the morning.” She didn't seem to know that none of that was true. Then, before she got out the door, I said, “She hasn't changed at all.”
“Give it time, dear.”
“I tried that. It's just getting worse. Her new boyfriend is a total loser, and now that Bill's gone she does even less around the house. You really didn't help at all. You said you'd talk to her and you didn't help.”
I probably shouldn't have said all that. I'd broken my own promise, not to even try with her anymore. Besides, what did it matter? I was never going to see any of them again. I wanted to see if Nanny had that special hurt look on, but the light was off, and the light from the hallway just lit her up from behind, like a ghost or an angel.
She said, “We'll talk in the morning, dear.” Her voice sounded funny and stiff.
No, we won't, I thought. In the morning it'll be a whole new world. I lay awake in bed whistling the theme from Star Trek, and Bill sang it back to me. Before morning we were boldly going … I don't know. Somewhere. Anywhere would be better.
I fell asleep without meaning to. When I woke up, the house was quiet. It was about eleven-thirty. I got Bill dressed and threw two drawers full of his clothes in a bag. The floor had one squeaky board, and I had to be careful not to step on it.
I slipped downstairs and took a couple of swigs of Gram- pop's Scotch. I thought a little would take the edge off how bad I felt, but as soon as I drank a little I felt like I needed to drink more. I tried not to think about that. I tried to just think about getting Bill and getting out.
I looked around to make sure the coast was clear. Good thing I did. I ran smack into Grampop, sitting at the kitchen table eating a piece of leftover cake.
“Couldn't sleep?” he said.
“Guess not.”
I sat down at the table with him. He wouldn't look at me. Grown-ups are funny when they're mad. Funny strange, I mean. They never admit it straight out, but any fool can see.
“Your mother has a hard enough time without you pulling stunts.”
I wanted to say, She makes her life hard, not me. I wanted to say, Seeing my little brother who got stolen from me is not a stunt. But I didn't. Because it didn't matter anymore. I didn't have to make my family understand me now. It was easier to just go away, where I didn't have to watch them disapprove.
We didn't talk for a while, and then Grampop got up and went to bed. He didn't even say good night. He didn't even rinse his dish, so I rinsed it for him. I looked out the window until I was sure he'd gone to bed. And I wondered how things had gotten so complicated. But as far as I could remember, they always had been. I couldn't remember when life had ever been any easier than this.
It was after midnight when Bill and I got back to the car. I woke Snake up and gave him the chicken and French fries. That made him happy. Bill looked at Snake and Snake looked at Bill and I knew we didn't have any love-at-first-sight situation on our hands. I think they made each other nervous more than anything else.
When Snake was done eating, I had him drive by the house. I couldn't carry everything, so I'd left a bunch of things on the lawn. A suitcase with Bill's stuff, clothes and toys and things, all except his elephant, which he had tight under his arm. And a bag with some cheese and a loaf of bread and a bag of nacho chips and some sodas that I'd borrowed from the fridge. And a big bottle of Grampop's Scotch that I thought would be nice to have on the road. We got all this stuff into the backseat, and then we headed for Arizona.
I rolled my window down and took a blast of cool night air in the face, and I felt like I could breathe for the first time. For the first time ever I'd dreamed about something and now here it was, just the way I wanted it. A whole new world. I hugged Bill tighter on my lap.
I opened the bottle of Scotch and took a few swallows. I think I might've promised myself I wouldn't after I got Bill back. But this was different. When I promised that I thought we'd be at home, all nice and safe.
Snake gave me a dirty look.
“What's your problem?” I said, and Bill got nervous right away, sensing a fight.
“We're both underage, and I don't have a license. Just what I need is one more thing to get arrested for.”
I said, “Yeah, well, if they stop us they can only arrest us once. Stop worrying.”
“Dynamite logic,” he said, and I realized we were fighting, just like a real boyfriend and girlfriend. That made my stomach uneasy, so I sipped a little more Scotch, and it settled down some.
“Let's go to the Grand Canyon,” I said. Snake didn't answer one way or another.
I felt cheated, because all of a sudden he was in a rotten mood all the time. I thought he'd be good company, but it wasn't like I'd pictured it at all.
Boy, if I thought that was a fight, I had no idea. Come nightfall we were all the way to Williams, Arizona. We found a place to park but it was cold, and we were both tired. We had enough money for one more tank of gas. Then we had a problem to solve.
He said, “How are we supposed to be alone, anyway?” I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't want to be alone with him yet, but that might not have been the best answer. “Lay off Bill. I told you it was no deal without him.”
The Year of My Miraculous Reappearance Page 5