by Connie Cox
What would it be like to be part of a family like this?
But they would expect more than she could give.
Niko lifted her chin. “What’s wrong?”
“I need to change before these shoes start to pinch.”
He eyed the high-heeled sexy shoes that made her legs look miles long. “That’s a shame.”
“Life’s not fair.” She shrugged, trying to smile through the truth. But the twisted feel of her lips told her she had failed.
When one of the twins said he was hungry, Annalise checked the clock. The show had run overtime and it was time for supper. Niko’s brother Stephen nodded toward Sophie and said, “My turn,” as the family gravitated toward the door.
Annalise knew that supper would be filled with joyous noise, kudos for Niko and endless toasts offered with unconditional love.
Niko called back to them, “Don’t wait for me.”
Annalise would not be the one to keep him from his family. “No, Niko. Go with them. I may join you later.”
Sophie crossed her arms and planted her feet. “I want Uncle Niko to give me my shot. You hurt, Uncle Stephen.”
Stephen sent Niko an apologetic look. “Maybe you can show me again.”
Niko looked at Annalise as if he were seeking her permission. She nodded, releasing him.
“Sure, brother.” He reached down and took Sophie’s hand. “Let’s show Uncle Stephen how brave girls do this, okay?”
Annalise watched the Christopoulos family troop out, looking and sounding so much like each other that anyone would know they were family. What would it be like to look into a child’s face and see your own reflected there?
She could usually stave off her utter aloneness, the lack of a legacy to prove she’d left her mark on the world.
But today her future was harder to accept. One hand drifted to her damaged womb, which could never carry a child, and the other hand covered her damaged heart, which could never carry the love of a man.
She waited for the anger to well up within her, to burn through the melancholy that always followed her reminder of reality. Waited to feel the remembered fear when her mother’s boyfriend had loomed over her and she had shut her eyes tight no matter how loudly he’d shouted at her to open them.
She took a breath. Anger and fear and despair were ugly scars she didn’t have to wear.
Instead, she thought about Niko. About being held in his arms as they swayed to the music under the stars. About feeling admired and respected whenever he looked at her. About how she would let her passion build and grow when they made love.
And they would make love.
She hung up the leather jacket Niko had worn. It was the only thing he’d needed from the costume wardrobe. The rest of the outfit had been all his.
With measured steps she trod onto the curtained stage.
Carefully, in the tight dress and high heels that she was so unaccustomed to, she stooped to pick up the heavy robe and angel wings from where they had fallen.
She’d tried to have a relationship before with her medical school study partner. They had become great platonic friends, with an easy way between them. When she’d asked, pleaded, for his help, he had agreed.
They’d both tried to make it work—she’d wanted it to work so badly. She’d wanted to prove to herself that her rapist wouldn’t win in the end. He’d been kind, gentle and mercifully quick.
But all she’d managed had been distant numbness. Would it be the same with Niko? Would that fire in his touch, that tingling warmth that penetrated her thickest barriers, flame out when it reached her icy core?
Or would he be the one to unthaw her, heart and soul? She could walk away now. Never know. Never fail. Always think it might have worked out, while sanctimoniously congratulating herself on following the rules.
No shipboard romance. No knowing to what heights and depths this chemistry between them could take her. No having to say goodbye when this trip came to its end.
No guts, no glory.
Now was the time. Niko was the man. Tonight she would learn what it was to glory in being a woman, body and soul.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
NIKO STOOD ON his veranda, his hands gripping the rail as he looked out onto the starlit ocean going past. He’d thought about spending another evening at the bar but muddling his thinking by drinking too many glasses of forgetful juice wouldn’t solve his problem. Neither would going up to the top deck.
Would she come to him? So much depended on it.
He’d had it all mapped out, even to the point of accepting that his family wouldn’t be happy with his decisions. He’d been so sure of what he wanted. But now...
Now he wanted more than he could have.
What if he loved her?
He shook his head. There was no what-if.
He couldn’t imagine getting off this ship and never seeing her again.
What was he going to do?
* * *
Annalise knocked. Once. Sharply. Then turned away to flee back to the safety of her own berth.
The door opened and Niko reached out, catching her hand and pulling her to him. He bent his lips to her ear. “Annalise. You came.” He breathed it like she was an answer to his prayers.
She inhaled his scent, wanting to hold it deep within her forever.
“About your rules, Niko. No stars. No wine. No music. No romance.” She paused. “I’ve decided you don’t get to make all the rules.”
She set an ice-filled wine bucket on the counter then went to the wall of windows, looking out at the night sky where the last of the rainclouds were skittering away, exposing a handful of twinkling stars. “What’s sex without romance?”
As he walked up behind her, she willed herself to stay relaxed.
Still, he noticed. “Problem?”
What should she tell him? “I don’t usually...”
He moved a footstep away. “This isn’t your first time, is it?”
Her laugh was much too harsh, much too revealing. “My previous experiences haven’t been that great.”
“Want to tell me about it?”
“Maybe another time.” She closed her eyes. “Tonight I want something more than talk.”
“Are you sure you want to do this?” He took another step away. “With me?”
“Yes.” She didn’t dare turn around, afraid she might show him something with her eyes that she would rather keep to herself.
He was silent for so long that a dozen stars had time to make their appearance. Annalise raised her palm to the glass, anchoring herself.
Ever so lightly, he rested his fingers on the nape of her neck.
She couldn’t stop her instinct to hunch her shoulders and shrink away.
He dropped his hand.
“I can’t—we can’t do this with you being frightened.” He backed away, sitting on the bed. “Annalise, you need to tell me what is scaring you.”
For the longest time Annalise stood as still as a statue, staring out at the stars. Finally, she sighed deeply, looked at him, avoiding his eyes, then looked at the door.
Just when Niko thought she would go, she sat down next to him, her thigh touching his.
In the dark, in the silence, Annalise said, “I was sixteen when I was raped by my mother’s boyfriend. I was afraid to tell her. Afraid she’d say it was my fault. Afraid she’d kick me out of our apartment. That happened to a girl who lived down the hall from us. She didn’t even make it a week on the streets before they found her body. I figured one rape was better than a gang rape.”
Niko felt such rage race through him he had to use all his concentration to keep his hand from squeezing hers.
“He got me pregnant. I tried to hide it from her but she figured it out
when I was sick every morning for two weeks. She took me to this place above a bar and a stinky, greasy woman...she did things to me and I bled.”
Bile rose in Niko’s throat. He couldn’t imagine what the sixteen-year-old Annalise had overcome. Few people, especially teens, would have had the mental strength. She had not only survived but thrived.
“She said the bleeding would stop after a while, but it didn’t. Finally, my mother drove me to the hospital and dropped me off at the emergency-room door. She didn’t come back for me.”
Annalise was squeezing his hand so tightly his fingers tingled.
Niko had to swallow hard to ask, “Afterwards, where did you go?”
“At first I was in a home for wayward teens, repeat offenders in trouble with the law—not that I was one. It was the only place they had to put me.” Her laugh was like sandpaper. “And I’d thought I was pretty tough.”
“Then what happened?”
“The social worker from the hospital kept looking for a better place for me. She finally got a church-sponsored boarding school with an attached private high school to take me in. I was one of their charity cases. It wasn’t bad and the education I received was outstanding. I was able to earn scholarships that paid for a lot of my college and medical-school expenses.”
“Annalise, I don’t know what to say.” Niko wanted to hold her and protect her from all the bad things in life. But he was too late.
She brushed the tears from his face that he hadn’t realized he’d shed.
“Hold me, Niko. Keep me safe tonight.”
Could he do this?
His throat closed so that he could only nod. For the first time in his life he understood the healing power of being there. A gentle touch was all the action desired or required.
Annalise curled up in his bed and he curled up around her, cocooning her.
And they slept.
In the morning, she was gone.
* * *
Annalise hurried down the gangway, pulling her cart of donated medicines behind her. The island’s refugee camp would be anxiously awaiting her delivery of supplies as well as her skills as a physician. Her charity work was one of the reasons she loved her job so much.
That’s why, when she’d dropped her application for Doctors Without Borders in the outgoing mail packet early that morning, she’d been certain she’d made the right career-change decision.
She hurried, very aware that the camp would have been expecting her much earlier.
They’d docked sometime during the night and she’d planned to be off the ship at daybreak, but she’d overslept. She was certain she’d never slept so deeply in her life as when she’d been wrapped in Niko’s arms.
If only every night’s sleep could be as restful.
A wave of sadness threatened to swamp her but Annalise refused to dwell on what couldn’t be.
A shipboard relationship, by its nature, was impermanent. With Niko, there were no expectations and no disappointments. She would just be sure to make the most of the little time they had left together.
Niko Christopoulos would always have a special place in her healing heart. Because of him there was a profound difference very deep down within her, like cleansing light had been shone into the dark corners of her psyche.
But it was better that way. Even if Niko was an adventurer now, she’d seen how much he loved his nieces and nephews and how much he admired his sisters-in-law. He would want a family of his own someday. And that was something she could never give him. The thought of being separated from him made her feet feel heavy.
“Annalise, wait up.” Niko’s deep voice startled her from her thoughts.
She slowed her pace and looked behind her to see him trotting toward her, concern on his face.
“Niko, what’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?” He rubbed his hand across his eyes. “I woke up and found you gone. That’s what’s wrong.”
She grinned, both relieved and flattered. “Not everyone is on vacation, Niko Christopoulos.”
“You’re working?”
“Volunteer work. This island has several refugee camps. People try to navigate the Mediterranean Sea and this is as far as they get sometimes. Different charity organizations have set up clinics. I do what I can when we come through this way.” She started pulling the cart toward shore again, carefully concentrating to keep it from rolling out of control.
“I’ll go with you.”
“What about your family?”
“We’ve all had quite a bit of togetherness lately. I think we’re ready to have some apart time.” He commandeered the cart from her, easily keeping the pace steady.
“But you’ll miss the tourist attractions.”
“What I miss is practicing medicine. I’m not made to be idle this long.”
“I understand. The few times I’ve tried to give myself a break from seeing patients between cruises, I’ve wound up being irritated with the world and itching to go back to my work. Being a doctor isn’t just what I do, it’s who I am.”
Niko flashed her a brilliant smile. “You do understand.”
“This one is not as advanced as some of the other free clinics on the Caribbean islands where we call,” she warned him. “But working with Doctors Without Borders, you’re used to a lot worse conditions, I’ll bet.”
“I’ve seen some primitive environments,” he agreed.
Annalise thought about mentioning her recent decision and asking if he would mind if she requested to be assigned with him but now she was thinking that might be a bit presumptuous. If Niko could get tired of his awesome family, what would he think of being saddled with her, a virtual stranger?
Only Niko didn’t feel like a stranger. He felt like someone she’d been waiting to meet her whole life.
Which meant that if they were assigned together, the arrangement could get complicated.
She should probably let fate take care of that little issue.
As Niko dragged the cart through the streets, past the brightly colored tourist shops and the clapboard houses with their white-picket-fenced yards, he asked, “What am I hauling?”
“Supplies. Donations from different charity groups. We have a nice collection of used eyeglasses. So many children and adults can’t learn to read because they don’t see well enough to make out the letters. The glasses are always a welcome donation.”
Niko nodded. “Glasses are one of the sought-out donations on missions I’ve been a part of, too.”
They weaved in and out of streets and alleys. The paint on the buildings became older and sparser until there were no buildings at all. A tent city sat on a span of vacant lots in front of them. Little more than a few strands of sparse weedy grass separated the tarps and quilts and stitched-together rags from each other.
For some, the hodgepodge temporary living quarters didn’t appear to be so temporary but rather looked like journey’s end. People of all ages sat outside their tents or walked aimlessly from place to place.
Annalise led the way toward the center of the encampment, where four sturdy canvas tents stood with their side walls rolled up.
“That one.” She pointed to the tent on the far left.
And that’s when they got busy. For the rest of the day, far into the late afternoon, Annalise and Niko saw patient after patient.
As Niko carefully lanced an eardrum, fluid-filled almost to bursting, on a toddler, Annalise said her goodbyes to the staff. Most she had never met before as they changed so frequently. But a few she had known for quite a while. She explained that she wouldn’t be back, but her new physician’s assistant would come next trip if possible.
The staff took her departure in their stride. They had never known consistency. They just did the best they could with what they had.
&
nbsp; As soon as Niko was done, she pointed to her watch. “We’ve got to get back to the ship. It’s getting dark.”
They walked in silence for the most part. Leaving behind such squalor for the luxury of the cruise liner, it always took Annalise a moment to adjust.
At the bottom of the gangway, Niko stopped.
“You were great today.”
“You, too.”
“Especially with the children. You’ll make a great mother, Annalise.”
No. She wouldn’t. She couldn’t. The botched abortion had taken away any possibility of her bearing children. “Not in the plan.” It came out flippantly to hide her sorrow.
Niko gave her a long look. “I owe you an apology. I underestimated you.”
“Most people do.” Annalise shrugged it off then blatantly inspected Niko. “Good looks, expensive watch, attitude of nonchalance. I’ll bet most people underestimate you, too.”
“A man can be more than one thing.”
“Like a good lover as well as a good doctor?”
He stopped walking. “What are you saying, Annalise?”
“I’d like to try it again.” She licked her bottom lip. “If you’re willing.”
“With you, I’m always willing.” The words were right but the tone was hesitant.
She put her hand on his arm. “Niko, please. Don’t. Don’t treat me like I’m fragile. I don’t break.”
“Tell me what you want, Annalise.”
“I want to feel like a real woman, a woman who can make a man’s blood run hot. I want you to make love to me because you think I’m sexy, not because you feel sorry for me.”
“You trust me, don’t you, Annalise?”
“I do trust you, Niko.”
“Then believe me when I say I don’t do pity sex.”
“I’m trying.”
“What can I do to prove it to you?”
“Make love to me like I was any other woman.”
“Oh, no, Annalise. I can’t do that. You’re not any other woman.”
“Because I’m different.”
“Because you’re special.”