by Odette Stone
“Who all went?” I asked, working hard to keep my voice casual.
She laughed. “I don’t know. A guy named Dave and Adam, I think.”
“Aiden?”
“Yeah. And his girlfriend.”
“Wife.”
“Whatever. And there was another dude but I never caught his name.”
“How long were you at the pub?” My heart beat hard in my chest.
“I think we left around 2? We were close to shutting the place down.”
I wanted to but I couldn’t ask her what happened after that. I didn’t want to admit that Matt had gone missing for the remainder of the night. “I missed all that.”
“I tried to get Jackson to come out with us.”
“Why didn’t he?
Her voice accused slightly. “He said you were too drunk to be left alone.”
“Oh.” Matt obviously had no issue leaving me behind but Jackson had been concerned about my welfare. Jackson seemed to unintentionally highlight exactly how Matt failed me as a fiancé. “He could have gone.”
“I offered to stay with him,” Julie sounded pissed, “But of course he said he would be busy cleaning up and monitoring you.”
“Oh.” I had no idea what to say about that.
“Only you could manage to get in the way of the hottest sex of my life from a coma state.”
“It’s not like I asked him to stay.”
“Doesn’t matter. For some stupid reason, the man feels responsible. Why couldn’t you stay sober enough to clean up after your own party?”
Shame crushed me. “I didn’t mean to get so drunk.”
“Next time, think about your actions.”
My mind worked in overdrive as I tried to determine what had happened to Matt.
“Okay.” I didn’t want to talk about Jackson.
“What’s going on between you and Jackson?” her question was direct. I guess we were going to have a conversation about Jackson.
“What?”
“He carried your drunk ass upstairs.”
“I don’t remember that,” I lied. “Are you sure it wasn’t Matt?”
A harsh laugh vibrated in my ear. “No. It was definitely Jackson. He just picked you up and carried you off to your bedroom right in front of Matt. He seems super protective of you.”
“What did Matt do?”
“Nothing. It was odd. He kind of glanced up and shrugged. I was the one standing at the bottom of the stairs, my mouth hanging open.”
I swallowed the fear that was in my throat. “He’s the army guy. I think they’re all just trained to be like that. It’s nothing personal.”
“He’s in the navy,” she corrected. “You never mix up army and navy. You will royally offend if you do.”
“Okay,” I said. I wanted to avoid a lecture on her knowledge of military men. Her interest in men in uniform bordered on an obsession.
“So is Jackson going to be around later?” she pressed.
“Matt’s mom is in town. Everyone is going to be here for dinner.”
“Oh good. You can make it up to me by inviting me over.”
Dinner promised to be an intense family affair, adding Julie to the mix would be like adding fuel to the fire.
“Irene just wants a quiet family night,” I lied.
“You owe me,” she shot back. “You have to help me.”
“From the looks of it, you were doing just fine on your own last night,” I said. “If Jackson wants you, he will just come after you.”
“You're absolutely right. We were doing well last night.”
“Okay.”
“You don’t understand anything. A navy SEAL is the most elite solider in the world. To make it to that level, he’s the best of the best.”
I picked up a magazine and set it down. “You would know.”
“Not to mention how hot he is. He gives me shivers. He looks like he would be a machine in bed.”
I gasped and my face burned red hot. “Julie.”
“What! The guy looks like he could fuck a girl six ways from Sunday. He’s so strong and big, he could pretty much do anything he wanted as many times as he wanted.”
“Oh gosh,” I breathed, shutting my eyes on the images she was conjuring up of him. I did not want to imagine his magnificent naked body doing crazy sex things. Because it would be crazy. And intense.
“That man is my Mt. Everest,” she declared.
“I don’t even know what that means.”
“It means, he's the ultimate goal. He’s the man I have been waiting for my entire life.”
“Well when you set your mind to something, you usually get what you want.”
“Damn straight.”
“If you could do me a favour and not get your hanky on with him over here? You have your own place. Please take all your sex noises elsewhere.”
I was joking. But not really.
She laughed. “Okay, I don’t want all my screams of ecstasy to shock your virgin ears.”
“Thank-you,” I said, suddenly exhausted with this conversation.
“So if you're not going to invite me over for dinner, do you mind giving me his number?”
“Why don’t I give him yours tonight,” I compromised. I wasn’t going to inflict more pain on him by subjecting him to Julie’s excessive determination.
“Right now. Send it to him right now.”
“Julie, have you ever heard about playing hard to get?”
“Nope,” she said. “Give it to him. I'll take it from there.”
“Fine,” I said. “I promise as soon as I hang up I'll text him your number.”
“Thanks gorgeous. I'll talk to you tomorrow.”
I walked over to the whiteboard in the kitchen where Jackson had written his cell out in black marker. I shook my head. Was I really going to do this? I was simply passing on her digits and he could do what he wanted with that information.
Me: Jackson, it’s Emily
Jackson: hey
Me: Julie asked me for your number. I didn’t give it to her. Obviously! But she asked me then to give you hers. 425-3423
Jackson: Not interested
I stared at my phone for a long time. And reread those two words again and again.
Me: She made me promise to text it to you, so there you go. Sorry to interrupt.
Jackson: You’re not interrupting
Me: You and Irene’s time together
Jackson: I dropped Irene off at her hotel. I'm picking her up later
I stared at the phone. I wasn’t expecting a conversation with him over text. Curiosity drove me to keep talking to him.
Me: Why don’t you think you're interested in Julie?
Jackson: I don’t think she’s a good friend to you
What? I gaped at this message. What did that even mean?
Me: Care to elaborate?
Jackson: No
Me: You must have some reason for saying that.
Jackson: I saw enough of who she is to know that I don’t want to go on a date with her
Me: I don’t know if she is looking for a date…per say
Jackson: I saw enough to know I don’t want to fuck her either
Me: Blushing now. Bye!
Jackson: You walked right into that one
Me: I did :-(
Jackson: ha ha
Me: What are you doing now?
Jackson: Currently sitting in my truck at a park.
Me: Oh…
Jackson: Are you okay?
I stared at my phone. Sighing, I decided to just be honest.
Me: I feel embarrassed about yesterday. And for crying and everything.
Jackson: You have nothing to be embarrassed about
Me: You’re too nice to me
Jackson: I told you. I'm not a nice guy
Me: Funny, you're one of the nicest people I know
I sat there staring at my phone, while moments ticked by.
Jackson: Why did you want me to stay so bad?
Oh crap. I started and stopped at least a dozen responses. Finally I decided to just be honest.
Me: You make me feel good about myself. Why did you want to leave so bad?
Jackson: You don’t want to ask me that
I sat holding the phone to my lips.
Me: Do you hate staying at my place? I'm sorry you were forced into this.
Jackson: No one can force me to do anything.
Me: Can I have a redo?
Jackson: What’s a redo?
Me: I want to erase the last 24 hours
Jackson: Everything?
I chewed on my lip. I didn’t want to erase how he was so helpful before the party, or the way he helped me repot my plant. Nor did I want to erase the way he cared for me when I was barfing my guts out. I hadn’t felt that special in a long time.
Me: Well, not everything.
Jackson: What do you want to remember?
Me: It’s more what I want to forget
Jackson: Tell me
Me: Barfing
Jackson: Consider it forgotten. Anything else you want to erase?
Why was my heart racing? I stared at my phone screen.
Me: I want to erase the fight between you and Matt.
Jackson: Me too
Me: I also want to erase my stupid meltdown this morning when you were trying to leave
Jackson: Nope. I don’t agree to those terms
Me: What? Why not? That was me at a very weak moment…
Jackson: I learned something about you
Me: I'm scared to ask what
My hands sweated as I waited for his response. Why did he want to learn about me? I did not understand this man but I was like a moth drawn to a big flame. I couldn’t help myself. I jumped when my phone dinged.
Jackson: I don’t erase truth or honesty. Anything else you want to erase?
What was he saying? That my meltdown was me being honest? Being truthful? If that was me being real than that was a scary thing, considering what a hot mess I had been this morning. That’s exactly the part of me I wanted to keep hidden from people.
Did I want to erase anything else?
The kiss.
I should tell him that I want to erase the kiss. That should have been on top of the list for things to forget. I should banish that moment from my life but I couldn’t bring myself to erasing that.
Emily: No
Another long pause and then my phone dinged again.
Jackson: Me neither
Chapter 20
I startled when I heard the loft door slide open. I looked up across the room. In walked Matt, still wearing the same clothes he had been wearing the night before. He looked rough. He paused when he saw the black duffle bag on the floor. Slowly he lifted his head and looked up to me. I cowered in my seat at the kitchen island.
He slowly walked to the island, tossed his keys on the granite and slid into a stool across from me. My heart galloped in my chest. I had so much to say, so many questions to ask, but I was overwhelmed with the daunting nature of this conversation, so I just sat there looking at him.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he said.
“Look at you like what?”
“Like you hate my guts.”
“I don’t hate your guts.”
“You should.”
I licked my lips. Slowly. “Why should I hate your guts?”
His blue eyes turned and stared at my face. “Because I fooled around with someone last night.”
My mouth dropped open. My heart was now this sickening thud in my chest. Blood was rushing through my ears. I became aware of how shallow my breath was. I stared at him. “Who?”
He shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. She doesn’t matter.”
I brought in air through my nose. “Was it Katherine?”
He stared at me for a long moment. “No and you need to just let it go. It didn’t mean anything.”
My entire body felt cold.
I looked around my loft in a daze. Matt had always been too good for me. Even Julie told me that. I had known in my heart that something had been terribly wrong between us but I hadn’t wanted to face it. I had wanted to just pretend that everything was going to work out between us. Yet somehow I was still reeling with shock.
“I just ordered our wedding invitations,” I said, feeling stupid about all my dreams. I had known that this whole wedding thing had taken it’s toll, but I always thought that if we could just get to the other side we would be fine. What if Matt was the only guy in this world who ever thought he wanted to marry me and now this was my only chance and it was slipping away? What if I never had the chance to get married again? The thought of not becoming a mother and not having a family made me want to weep.
He refused to look at me. “I'm sorry.”
“You're sorry that I ordered the invitations or you’re sorry that you cheated on me?”
“I'm sorry for what I did. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
But he had hurt me.
“Now what?” I stared at him. Would he move out? What about dinner? And Jackson? Pain shot through my heart. The only reason why Jackson was here was because of Matt. If Matt left there would be no reason for Jackson to stay. The thought of both Jackson and Matt leaving me alone in this big stupid loft by myself was almost crippling. I could not stay here alone. I would not be able to stand it. I would pack up and go back to my granny’s place. Thoughts were flying through my mind in no particular order.
He looked down at his hands. “Can we just forget it happened and carry on?”
My entire body went still. Then I put both my hands on my forehead and squeezed my eyes shut. The strongest emotion I had right now was relief. Relief that Matt did not want us to break up. Relief that I would still be getting married, that I wouldn’t be alone. Relief that I would get the family I wanted so badly.
Jackson flashed through my mind. The way he pushed his hands into my hair and pulled me into one of the most sinful kisses I had ever experienced in my life. The feel of his hot breath on my ankle when he took off my shoes. The way he allowed me to curl up to him on the couch after taking care of me.
I looked at Matt, feeling completely guilty. He might have messed around with some stranger, but I have coveted Jackson, flirted with him and developed a stupid childish crush. Jackson was Matt’s pseudo brother. What I had done seemed so much worse.
“Em, please. Say something.”
I lifted my head. “What does fool around mean?”
He gave me an incredulous look.
“Did you had sex?”
He shook his head.
I swallowed hard. “I want specifics.”
“Emily come on.”
“I need to know the extent of this situation.”
“We kissed. And we messed around.”
“What does that mean?”
“She went down on me.”
My eyes went wide. I had never seen Matt naked. We had never gone below the waist. What he had done was so much worse than what I had done. It was crazy, but as I listened to Matt confessing his sins it felt like it absolved me from my own.
“Is that it?” I asked plainly.
His eyes were on my face. “That’s it.”
I swallowed. “You still want to marry me?”
“Yes.”
“Can we have a baby?”
He blinked slowly. “What?”
I licked my lips. “I want a baby within the first year. I want a family.”
“How about you get pregnant within the first two years.”
I crossed my arms. “The first year.”
His eyes narrowed. “And we never speak of this again?”
Would it really be this easy? Could I just pretend that Matt hadn’t cheated on me and we would get the wedding back on track? I stared at him. By this time, next year, I could have a baby. Then my family would be complete.
“We never speak of this again.”
We both just sat there s
taring at the island between us. Long moments ticked by.
Finally he spoke, switching gears. “Is Jackson leaving?”
“Is that what you want?” I looked up, asking him honestly.
“No,” he couldn’t meet my gaze. “It may not seem like it but I don’t want him to leave.”
“He was going to, but your mom showed up.”
He looked shocked. “Where are they?”
“Your mom is at her hotel and I have no clue where Jackson is. But they’re both coming back here for dinner.”
Matt shut his eyes and his face crumpled. “Fuck.”
“What happened between the two of you?”
He shrugged. And refused to meet my eyes.
“Why won’t you tell me what happened?”
“It is water under the bridge.”
I stared at him. “To move forward you both need to address this.”
He rubbed his face. “I can’t talk about it.”
“Why not?”
“I can’t.”
I stared at him for a long time. Why could he not discuss it with me? What had happened between the two of them? Had they committed some sort of crime together and were bound together by some blood pact? What was going on? I knew that Matt would not budge on the issue, at least not now.
“Fine.” I looked around the room. Everywhere I looked I saw Jackson. Him peeling a banana for me. Helping me cook. Him working out on the patio. The place felt empty without him.
He stood up, looking stiff and a bit wrecked. “Are we good?”
I nodded.
“Okay, I'm going upstairs to shower.”
I watched as he slowly started to walk upstairs.
“Why do you want to be married to me, Matt?” I blurted out.
He glanced over the railing at me. “Because you and I can have the perfect life together. Look at this place. Together we can do it all.”
His answer left me completely cold. I stood in the kitchen for a long moment. There it was. We both were getting married for different reasons. Maybe we didn’t have the fairy tale marriage, but Matt would give me what I wanted. I would get my husband and together we would create a little family. And in turn, I would give Matt what he wanted. It’s not like we hated each other. Before all this craziness started, we had actually quite liked each other at one point. He would be a successful lawyer and I would be a stay-at-home mom. And together, we would each find our own version of happiness. Love was messy. With Matt I felt in control. There was no dark jealousy or intense fluttering in my stomach. We were a strong couple together. All those big passionate emotions just de-stabilized everything. Created an imbalance. Marrying Matt was the smart choice. Not everyone could have the perfect love story, but together we could create a happy life together. And right now, that sounded really good to me.