by Odette Stone
A weird expression crossed over his face. “I never would have done that. Never.”
My lips parted. “Matt.”
He looked really upset. He tried to raise his head. “You’ve got to get him to leave, Emily. He can’t be here.”
The nurse bustled in. “Matt, you are going to have to calm down. Your heart rate is way to high.”
He pushed her hand away. “Emily. Promise me you will make him leave.”
My lips parted in shock.
“Matt,” the nurse was speaking in a loud voice. “You need to calm down Matt. If you don’t calm down, we are going to have to sedate you.”
“Promise me,” he was shouting. “Emily. Promise me.”
I stood up feeling completely panicked. “I promise.”
The nurse pushed a needle into his IV line and then Matt’s head rolled back and then he was completely out of it.
She looked at me with accusation in her voice. “Matt can not be upset like this. I just had to sedate him.”
“I didn’t know,” I said tearfully.
“Whatever you talked about, you must not talk about it with him again. Is that clear?”
I nodded and fled the room.
Chapter 38
“Well, there is no question, Jackson is just going to have to leave,” Irene said to me. I had just come out of the ICU and had told her what had happened. Jackson wasn’t around.
I stared at her in disbelief. “Excuse me?”
She crossed her arms with a resolute air. “What’s the problem?”
I felt stunned at the lack of loyalty towards Jackson. “The problem is that Jackson has been our rock for the past week. He has been catering to both of our needs, holding us up emotionally. He drove two hours in the middle of the night to come and get you after Matt’s accident. And now you are going to just toss him aside because Matt got a bit emotional?”
She lifted her chin. “My son’s health is in danger. No one is going to jeopardize his recovery. Not even Jackson.”
“Jackson is part of this family. You can’t ask him to leave.”
A stubborn look crossed her face that reminded me all too much of Matt. “Yes I can and I will.”
“You’re letting your emotions cloud your judgement.”
She looked me right in the eye. “I think your letting your emotions for Jackson cloud your judgement.”
Low blow, even for Irene. I spoke slowly, trying to choose my words carefully. “You can’t hurt one son because you want to heal your other son.”
Her nostrils flared. “Matt is the only son I have in this hospital. He’s my only priority.”
I felt so much anger and hurt on behalf of Jackson, I couldn’t even speak. “You are wrong on every single level.”
“She’s right,” Jackson’s low voice spoke from beside us. He was standing there with a tray of coffees for us. His expression was impossible to read. “I'll go.”
My heart cracked when I looked at Jackson. It was like he had emotionally stepped back so far behind a wall, all that was left was a man who was completely devoid of feeling.
“No,” I said sharply. “This is wrong.”
Jackson handed Irene the tray of coffees and then he reached forward and kissed her on the forehead. “I want Matt to get better as much as you do. Him and I will have to work on our relationship when he’s feeling stronger.”
Irene’s cheeks burned pink. She was unable to meet either of our eyes. “I'm going to check on Matt.”
We stood there until the whoosh of the heavy door shut behind her.
“I hate her,” I said with venom in my voice. “And right now I hate Matt.”
Something flickered in Jackson’s eyes. “Emily. You need to be there for them.”
But who would be there for me? I tried not to beg without avail, “Don’t go. Please don’t go.”
Green eyes looked down at my face. “Can you take care of both of them for me?”
I shook my head, fighting tears. “They don’t deserve your care or your love.”
“No,” he said gently. “It’s the other way around.”
My face crumpled. I was so hurt on his behalf I almost couldn’t breathe. How much rejection and pain had this man experienced in his lifetime that he felt he didn’t deserve their love. “Where will you go?”
“I'll be around. I have to finish my out patient treatment.”
“You are going to be staying in New York?” My heart started to beat again.
His gaze fixated on something beyond my head. “I have another seven weeks here.”
I worked to swallow, my thoughts immediately going to my granny’s penthouse. “You need a place to stay. You can stay at my other place.”
His eyes swung back to my face. He rocked on his heels. “Not necessary.”
I started to frantically dig through my purse for my keys. “It is a full sized penthouse with a pool and the most incredible gym. There are 6 bedrooms and a functioning kitchen. Fully furnished, a nice big patio. There is even cleaning staff that comes once a week. I will let them know you are coming. Martha can stock the kitchen. It will be no problem.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “Emily. I don’t need to stay there. I can find my own place.”
I pulled the keys out and my face lifted to his. It was so stupid but I wanted him to stay there. Even if I couldn’t be near him, it would bring me a measure of comfort knowing exactly where he was. At least for the next seven weeks.
It was incredibly manipulative but I pulled the one string that I knew would do the trick. “It would make me feel safe and it would bring me a lot of comfort to know where you are. In case I need you.”
Green eyes studied my face for a long moment. And then he gave me a curt nod. “Text me the address.”
Chapter 39
After being read the riot act from Matt’s doctor, Irene and I fell into an uneasy truce. No one mentioned Jackson and it was if his presence had all but been erased. I, on the other hand, felt such a loss at his departure, I thought my heart was going to split.
That first night that we came home and found his room cleared out and his keys on the island, it was all I could do to not burst into tears. I had called Martha and she had assured me that the kitchen had been fully stocked and the penthouse cleaned before his arrival, but other than that, I didn’t hear from him.
One day bled into another. I drove Irene to the hospital where we would take turns visiting with Matt. Most of the time he slept. I would steal away a couple times during the day to drive back to the loft to take Chloe out for potty breaks. I hated how alone the loft felt without Jackson.
The gallery was incredibly gracious and understanding, assuring me that I didn’t need to return until everything was back to normal.
Visiting with Matt was a surreal experience. He had absolutely no recollection of the past five months. The doctors warned me that it was not yet the right time to bring up any negative or harmful behavior that Matt had engaged in leading up to his accident. They told both Irene and I that we needed to keep him as calm and relaxed as possible. Once he was back on his feet, we would be able to gently share some of the events that had occurred. As it was, we still hadn’t told him that he had been drinking and driving without a seatbelt.
I missed Jackson to the point of pain. There were a hundred times where I almost drove to the penthouse to see him, but I refrained from doing so. What exactly would I say to him? Jackson and I had no future. We had developed a friendship but it had been ruined when we crossed that line that we couldn’t uncross. Now he knew the true extend of my feelings.
My face burned in shame as I recalled the look of panic and shock on his face when I had confessed to him that I had loved him. Trust me, he didn’t want to see me. I was the crush that had taken things too far. I had done the unthinkable by not only falling for him, but I had actually told him how I felt. He was probably thanking his lucky stars that he had made the escape when he did.
Matt was a fu
rther complication. He was so innocent and happy when he saw me. He had no idea about the destruction and devastation of the past few months. All he knew was that we had gotten engaged and we were about to get married. He asked me question after question about the wedding and constantly assured me that he would be on his feet and ready to walk down the aisle with me. I, on the other hand, was having more than cold feet. It felt like my entire body was encased in ice. I felt nothing. Nothing for Matt. Nothing for the wedding. It felt like I was stuck in some sort of weird limbo that I could not get out of. So, like every other time in my life, I was pretending.
***
Irene and I were driving to the hospital.
“Look at all the blossoms on the trees,” Irene said, peering out the window. “It seems to have become spring almost over night.”
“Yes,” I said. “It seems to have come early this year.”
“You are going to have such beautiful weather for your wedding. It is only six weeks away.”
I took a deep breath. “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”
She looked at me sharply. “What are you talking about?”
I chewed on my bottom lip. “Well, I don’t want to push Matt. He can barely walk.”
“The wedding is the only thing that he’s talking about. He needs this. That’s his goal for recovery. You can’t take that away from him,” she said with a tone that was on the sharp side.
When was I supposed to break it to him that we had ended our relationship? At what point would he be strong enough to face that he had cheated on me and then I had cheated on him? We were running out of time. “It just is coming so fast. I don’t even know if I can get everything ready.”
I could practically hear her teeth grind. “Then hire a damn wedding planner. But you aren’t delaying it. Can you imagine the kind of setback that could create for him emotionally?”
I swallowed. “Okay. It was just a suggestion.”
“You need to start thinking about Matt. Marriage is more about giving and less about taking. You would be smart to remember that.”
My face burned hot.
***
Later that day, I stood in the line up of the hospital cafeteria. My phone buzzed.
Jackson: How’s Matt doing?
I stared at the text and thought that my heart would pound right through my chest.
Me: He’s getting stronger. Still struggling to walk but he’s eating well and sleeping good. The doctors are pleased with his progress.
Jackson: Does he remember anything?
Me: Not yet.
Jackson: How are you doing?
Uh, lets see. I feel trapped. I was caught in some surreal world where I was pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t. I felt like the only person who knew the truth about what had happened had left. And my heart was bleeding on my sleeve for someone who didn’t love me back and didn’t want to be with me.
Me: I'm fine. How about you?
Jackson: I'm fine.
I wanted to tell Jackson that I missed him every hour of every day. That life was dreary and grey without him and nothing had been good since he had left. I wanted to beg him to come back. That I needed him. That he was my rock and that I felt like I was falling apart without him in my life. But I had already freaked him out once with my heartfelt emotions. I really didn’t need to go there again.
Me: The doctors don’t want us to talk about the last 5 months.
Jackson: So Matt doesn’t know what he did to you?
Me: No. Nor what I did to him.
Jackson: Does he still think you two are engaged?
Me: Yes
I sat staring at my phone willing it to buzz again with a text but nothing else came. I sat there so long the coffees went cold. I had to go through the lineup to get fresh ones.
***
Three more days passed when another text came through.
Jackson: I think I just scared the living fuck out of your housecleaner
Me: Martha? What happened?
Jackson: She was vacuuming. I was just coming in from a run. She didn’t hear me come in and when she turned around and saw me standing there, she started screaming at me in Spanish.
For the first time in what felt like weeks, I started to laugh.
Me: ha ha ha. Poor Martha. Is she okay?
Jackson: She’s fine. She insisted on making me pancakes
A huge smile ripped across my face.
Me: She worked for my granny for 37 years.
Jackson: She told me. And you were right.
Me: About what?
Jackson: You do have your granny’s eyes.
I clutched the phone to my chest. Tears threatened to spill over.
Me: You want to come see Chloe sometime? She misses you.
A long pause ensued. I wasn’t sure if he was even going to respond.
Jackson: Probably not a good idea.
A tear, this time, did spill over my cheek.
Me: Okay. Let me know if you change your mind.
Chapter 40
Another two weeks passed. Matt was moved out of ICU and onto a general ward. He was starting to walk with assistance. He couldn’t walk far, but with the help of the physiotherapist, he was moving his legs on his own volition. Matt had again become the witty, easy going intelligent guy that I had agreed to marry.
In fact, if I was going to be honest with myself, he was finally becoming the guy I always thought he could be. It frightened me how easy it was to just slide back into our old routines. I mean, would it be so bad to marry Matt? I may not love him in that heart-pounding kind of love that I had for Jackson, but Matt was a good man and he would be an incredible father. And it wasn’t like I was choosing between two men. Jackson had made it abundantly clear that he wasn’t interested in becoming part of my life anytime soon.
I had been willing to go forward with this marriage when Matt was a raging lunatic and acting deranged. Now he was being sweet and sensitive and so incredibly kind, so what was stopping me from moving forward?
I was waiting in his room when he got back from one of his daily walks around the ward.
He frown when he saw me. “What are you doing here?”
“Visiting you,” I said lightly.
“Isn’t today Tuesday?” he looked perplexed.
“It is.”
“You have your wedding dress fitting today,” he said, wincing as he sat back down on the side of the bed. His arm that was holding onto the IV pole was trembling.
Oh shit. I had completely forgotten about that.
“Matt,” I said gently, “I don’t need to do that today. I’m going to call and cancel.”
His gaze flew up to my face. “Emily. Come on. You told me that you and Beth are meeting at the bridal store for your final fittings and then you are going out for dinner.”
“I don’t feel like it,” I said with a sigh.
He swung his legs with effort back into his bed. “You need this. You have been sitting beside my bed forever. Come on. Go get dressed and get out there. You deserve a break. Take a night off with Beth.”
I stared dubiously at him. “What about you?”
He shrugged and smirked. “Well, I will eat a delicious dinner on a blue plastic tray and then I might get really adventurous and watch some TV with my mom. I think there might be a rerun of Law and Order tonight.”
I didn’t give a shit about my wedding dress fitting but the thought of spending some time with Beth over a meal that wasn’t made in a cafeteria was appealing. “You sure?”
He winked at me. “I’m sick of you. Get out of here.”
***
Two hours later I was standing in the bridal store with Beth. I stood on the podium while the seamstress yanked at my dress.
“What have you been eating?” she grunted.
I looked down at the beautiful white wedding dress. “Why?”
She stood up and yanked at the embroidered bodice. “Getting tight in the boobs and too loose
in the waist.”
“I think it is fine.”
“Must be fixed,” she said in her thick accent. “Stay there, I be right back.”
I stood in the change room and looked at my reflection. I looked like a bride. The wedding dress was one of the most beautiful dresses I had every seen in my life, but I felt sick to my stomach. I was marrying the wrong man.
My hands flew to my face. My eyes were wide in the mirror. And there it was. I still didn’t want to marry Matt. Tears started streaming down my face.
“You know, I never really thought pink was my colour but I think this particular pink makes me look very dewy and fresh,” Beth had walked into the room and was checking herself out in the mirror. When I didn’t answer, her eyes met mine in the reflection.
She spun around. “Emily.”
I shook my head. “I’m fine.”
She rushed towards me. “Your fine? Is that why you’re standing here crying?”
The seamstress came bustling back in and stopped at the look on my face.
“Tears are normal for bride. Trust me.”
That only made me cry harder. What was I doing? How could I think I could actually go through with marriage to Matt? Matt was wonderful but Jackson owned my heart. How could I lay beside Matt on our wedding night when I would only be thinking of another man? How could I cook for him, when I would think of what another liked to eat. The list went on and on. It wasn’t fair to Matt and my cowardly nature shamed me to the core.
“I can’t do this,” I managed to speak.
Seamstress shook her head. “That’s okay. I have new measurements. You come back and dress will be perfect.”
***
An hour later, Beth and I sat in a booth at the back of some dimly lit bar. We wanted privacy and I needed to talk.
“I thought things were going well for you and Matt,” Beth asked.
“They are. He’s a changed man.”
“But you love Jackson.”
I nodded in misery. “I feel like an idiot but yeah. I do.”