by Odette Stone
It was shockingly easy to just get through each day pretending that everything was going to be fine. And each moment that ticked away brought us closer to our wedding day.
Thoughts, weird bad thoughts repeatedly came into my mind. Maybe I could go through with marrying Matt? Things between us in the last few weeks had been good, pleasant even. Jackson had effectively ripped my heart completely out of my chest so I wasn’t feeling much of anything. Did it really matter one way or another if I married Matt? On an emotional level I was so numb, I couldn’t really determine if it would be better for me to marry him or to end it.
What if I told Matt that him and I had slept together? He was none the wiser because he had no memory of the last five months. This baby could easily be passed off as his.
These dark thoughts gripped my mind as I teetered back and forth like a spinning top. Would it really be so bad to marry Matt? Things had at one time been good between us. Maybe we could have our happy ending after all? Lots of women, and I'm not condoning the action, but lots of women in the history of time had pretended that one man’s baby was another man’s. Was it really that bad? Matt would love this child and this child would have a father. Was that the preferable action than to condemn this child to a lifetime with only me to parent it through life? Was I really qualified to parent another human being? Look at the mess my life was in. There was a very good chance that I would singlehandedly ruin this kid’s life. Would one tiny lie really make that much of a difference in the big picture of things?
It didn’t help that Matt was the master of pretending. I knew that he knew that I was struggling with it all, but instead of asking me about it, instead of insisting I come clean with him, he glossed over my vacant moods and numb state to help me pretend that everything was going to be fine. If I was going to start this marriage with a lie, who better to to start it with than a man who didn’t really want my truth?
I knew that Matt wanted the finer things in life. I had a lot of money. I could offer him that life, the vacations and all the trappings that he desired. In exchange, I would get my child and my secure marriage. It’s not like he was coming clean about the fact that part of the motivation for being with me was my bank account. Did I really need to come clean about the fact that I was pregnant with another man’s child?
Every once in awhile, I came to grips with my insane thoughts and returned to the fact that I needed to just end this charade, but no matter how much I tried, I could not find the strength within me to speak the truth. Because once I did, Matt would also leave. And I just wasn’t completely ready to be alone.
Even worse, there was a small traitorous part of me that was hoping that while Matt was still in my life, there was a chance I would see Jackson. Maybe he would show up at the hospital? Maybe I would run into him outside in the parking lot? How pathetic that I was willing to delay the inevitable for just one more glimpse of him. One more conversation. One more moment.
Nothing more was mentioned about him walking me down the aisle. Matt didn’t bring him up and neither did I. Would he be there? Would the next time I saw him be at my own wedding?
I couldn’t wrap my mind around the idea of never seeing Jackson again in my life. If I married Matt, at least I would be fed small tidbits about Jackson’s life. As crazy as it was, that was almost the best reason I had to marry Matt.
***
Then I ran out of time.
Chapter 49
I stood in the room in the back of the church staring in the mirror. My red hair was piled up on the top of my head. My sleeveless wedding dress had a tight embroidered bodice that nipped into my waist before the skirt fell out in an expanse of tulle to the floor. It felt way too tight. I guess that is what happens when you are ten weeks pregnant. Your wedding dress starts to feel like a straight jacket on your rib cage. I took a deep breath, hating how I was unable to completely expand my lungs to full capacity.
“You look like a princess,” Beth breathed from beside me.
We stared at our reflections in the mirror. I looked so serious. So young and uncertain. How had I ended up here? My indecisiveness and my inability to speak my mind had brought me to this point. Now I was on the brink of making the biggest commitment of my life and I was still wracked with uncertainty.
The problem was I felt numb. I didn’t even have my gut to rely on because I could feel nothing. It was like my entire being had been whitewashed and there was no colour, no feeling, no sense of what was right and what was wrong.
“Do you think I should marry Matt?” I asked Beth.
The champagne flute hovered halfway to her lips. Our eyes met in the mirror.
“Is that a rhetorical question?”
“It’s a real question.”
I watched as she drained the entire glass. “Oh God.”
I waited patiently as she poured herself another glass. And then downed that one.
She squared her shoulders and looked at me. “You can’t hold what I say against me if you don’t do what I think you should do.”
I nodded.
“I think marrying Matt is the biggest mistake you could possibly make in your life. And I think from the moment you say ‘I do’ to the moment you get your inevitable divorce, you are going to regret it every day of your life.”
“Oh.”
She poured herself a third glass. “You promised me that you wouldn’t hold that against me.”
“I won’t.”
“And I'll be there for you every single day if you decide to go through with this.”
“Thanks.”
“And if you do marry him and you end up deliriously happy you won’t hold this conversation against me.”
“I won’t.”
There was a knock at the door. Was that Jackson? I swear my heart almost stopped.
It was an usher. He wanted to let us know that all the guests were seated. Matt was about to take his place at the front and the string quartet was ready to start the ceremony the moment they got their cue.
Beth looked at me and I widened my eyes at her.
Beth looked over her shoulder. “Tell them that the bride needs five more minutes. For some last minute primping.”
He nodded and shut the door behind him.
“Do you think Jackson is here?” my hands were shaking so hard my bouquet was fluttering.
“You want me to go check?”
I nodded. Neither of us mentioned the fact that I was still obsessing over Jackson when I was supposed to be focusing on marrying his brother.
“I'll be right back,” she said, as she slipped out of the room.
***
The door opened and the entire room shrunk and the world took on colour again. Jackson slowly shut the door behind him. He stared at me and I stared back. He was wearing a black suit that faultlessly fit his huge form. He had shaved for the wedding and I realized I had never actually seen him without some form of beard on his face. The effects were stunning. He had the most beautiful jawline I had ever seen and he had cheekbones that were so angular they looked like they could cut glass. He was impossibly handsome and I thought I was going to melt beneath his intense stare. His eyes roamed over me, taking in my hair, my dress, my trembling lips.
I realized in that very moment that the only reason I hadn’t called off the wedding was that I had needed to see this man one last time. I was so in love with this man I was heartsick. How could I feel so much for him and he felt nothing back? How was it possible that a love this big, this real, this intense could be so one sided?
His jaw tightened. “You look perfect.”
I worked my throat, trying to find something to say, but I could only stand there and stare back at him.
Moments ticked by.
He cleared his throat. “I got my papers. I'm being release from the outpatient program and they’re sending me for training in a couple weeks. I'll probably be gone by the time you and Matt get back from your honeymoon.”
I dropped into a crouch and pu
t my face in my hands. His words felt like knives in my heart. I wanted to curl up in a ball and never get up.
“Are you okay?” he crouched down beside me.
“Why are you telling me this?” I looked up at his face. I felt like my heart was breaking into two.
“I wasn’t sure if I would have a chance to say good bye to you.”
My eyes squeezed shut. I took several big breaths. “I don’t want to say good bye.”
“Emily.”
A sharp rap on the door and then Beth stuck her head in. “They’re about to cue the music.”
She glanced at me and Jackson and then backed out and shut the door behind her.
“You ready?” his voice was low.
My mind was racing. This was such a monumental mistake. He gave me his hand and pulled me to my feet. I looked up at his face and willed him to look at me. I needed to see what he was thinking. I wanted to know what he was feeling. One flicker of emotion in his gaze and I would be picking up my skirts and running for the doors.
He avoided my gaze and instead offered me his arm.
I laid my shaking hand on the solid muscle of his forearm. This man had somehow become my rock. When I let go of him, I would simply be washed away.
We stood at the entrance of the sanctuary. The music changed to Canon in D and then there was a soft rumble as a hundred people stood up and turned to look at me. I could see Matt standing at the front of the church beside the minister.
I was shaking so hard, I almost couldn’t walk. I clung to Jackson and slowly we started up the aisle that seemed to be a thousand miles long. We just kept walking and walking and like a bad dream, we never seemed to reach the front.
I can do this, I told myself. Just get through this.
We got to the front and Jackson held my hand so I could walk up the steps. I got to the second top step and looked back into his face. And then I saw a flicker of something in his expression. He tried to let go of my hand, but my fingers clung to him. He was my life line. My protector. The person I loved. The father of my child. I did not want to let go of him. I felt his grip retighten around my hand.
The audience shifted behind us. Whispering started. Matt cleared his throat and then he stepped down towards me and offered me his hand. I looked at it and then looked back at Jackson’s face. Green eyes were watching me.
I looked back at Matt and shook my head.
Matt whispered. “Sweetheart, come on. Let go of poor Jackson. You are embarrassing him.”
I felt tears prick the back of my eyes. I started to let go of my lifeline, but then Jackson’s hand tighten around mine. Our eyes met again.
I swallowed, staring at the man I loved. Unable to look at the man I was supposed to marry.
Matt stepped down beside me, his grip tightened like a vice around my wrist. “Come.”
“I can’t marry you Matt.”
Matt gave me a beguiling smile, his tone was soothing. “Emily, come on.”
I shook my head.
Matt’s grip on my wrist tightened and he tugged at me hard. Like he could physically drag me up to that alter.
Jackson stepped up so he was standing beside me. “She said no.”
Matt stepped up to Jackson’s face and hissed. “What the fuck are you doing?”
“She said no,” Jackson repeated quietly, still holding onto my hand.
People in the audience were openly talking. The music continued to play.
“Is there a problem,” the minister stepped forward and looked between the three of us.
“Emily is having some wedding jitters,” Matt said between clenched teeth. “We just need to get her to let go of my fucking brother here and then we will be on our way.”
The minister walked around to my side and spoke quietly, “Are you nervous? Do you need a few minutes?”
I looked up at the minster’s kind face. His warm brown eyes were giving me the most sympathetic look imaginable.
Matt leaned in and hissed, “Emily, you are embarrassing yourself and me. All of our friends and coworkers are watching.”
The minster put his hands up. “Calm, please, let’s remain calm. We want to handle this in a very calm fashion.”
“I don’t want to marry you,” I said in a tiny voice.
We all watched as Matt walked away. He grabbed the edge of the table and did some deep breathing. He turned and a flower vase was sailing towards my head. Jackson’s arm reached in front of me and deflected the vase. It hit the side of the pulpit spraying water, flowers and glass in every direction. The audience gasped.
Matt picked up a silver offering plate and it sailed towards me like a frisbee, but at the last moment it veered off and hit the minister in the head. The minster looked at me, his eyes wide. He brought his hand up to his forehead and then looked at his hand. There was blood on his fingers. He moaned and kind of staggered off the the side and sat down on the steps. I stood transfixed as someone from the audience ran up to him.
“You are not doing this to me,” Matt announced, pointing his finger at me.
I stood there staring at him. All I could think was that Jackson was still holding my hand.
“You are such a frigid little bitch. No one but me is ever going to want to marry you,” he ranted, as he picked up a hymnal and fired it towards me. Jackson reached and deflected that too.
My eyes were wide.
Jackson’s voice was low. “Matt shut up.”
Matt came charging towards us and then he hauled back and punched Jackson in the face. Someone in the audience screamed. Jackson’s head snapped back as Matt’s fist connect with Jackson’s face but he didn’t react. His hand still held my own.
Matt was winding up to hit Jackson again and I just couldn’t take it anymore. It had to stop.
“I’m pregnant,” I said out loud.
Matt and Jackson looked at me with equally stunned expressions on their face.
“I’m pregnant,” I repeated.
You could feel the entire audience freeze. Canon in D continued to play softly in the background.
No one breathed. Except for Matt who was breathing so hard he was panting. “Well that’s impossible since you and I have never slept together.”
“I'm truly sorry.”
“Who’s the father?” he said, his voice was low, full of rage.
I swallowed and just stood there.
“Who the fuck is the father?” he screamed.
They both looked at me.
“Jackson.”
Green eyes widened. Matt’s mouth dropped open.
Then he pointed at me. “Fuck you.”
He pointed at Jackson. “And fuck you too. You’re dead to me.”
He looked out around the audience and said in a loud voice. “My fiancé is a stupid slut who got herself knocked up with my brother. My alleged brother. Who’s just some white trash asshole that my parents brought home one day like a fucking stray dog.”
I was frozen to the spot. Matt gave an exaggerated bow and then walked out the side door.
Jackson was completely still. He didn’t move. I looked up at him.
My lips parted. “Say something.”
I felt him drop my hand.
“No,” I whispered.
His gaze looked my face over, his expression was unreadable. His lip was bleeding. His eyes were blank. He turned and then he was walking down the aisle.
The stunned congregation looked on.
The music started winding down and then went completely silent.
And then he was gone.
100 pairs of eyes swung back to me. I stood there frozen, in a trance for the longest moment of my life. And then I did the only sane thing that a person can do in that situation. I picked up my skirts and I ran.
Coming Soon
Stay tuned for the final addition of The Guilty Series: Book Two. Coming soon…
About the Author
Odette Stone lives in Vancouver, Canada. Writing is her passion but when you can
pull her away from her stories she loves to read, drink coffee, go for long walks and is particularly fond of action or suspense movies.
Website: www.odettestone.com
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