31 Days of Winter

by C. J. Fallowfield

  ‘I was confused.’

  ‘Is this the first time?’ I asked, not really sure if I wanted to hear the answer. His face went ashen and he reached around and rubbed the back of his neck, his nervous tell.

  ‘No,’ he whispered.

  ‘How long?’

  ‘Is this going to help?’

  ‘I don’t know Zac, I’ve never come home to find my fiancé in bed with two prostitutes before. I seriously don’t think that you can make things any worse than they already are. So how long have you been seeing other women or paying for sex?’

  ‘About a year,’ he sighed and I reached out and palmed the wall as I rocked unsteadily on my feet.

  ‘You’ve been fucking other women while we were still …’ I stalled as my mouth went dry.

  ‘I always used protection,’ he offered with a shrug.

  ‘O, then all’s forgiven!’

  ‘Really?’ his face lit up.

  ‘Christ, five years in and you still don’t recognise full on sarcasm from me?’

  ‘Five years is a long time, don’t throw it all away.’

  ‘You’re telling me not to throw it all away? You’ve got a bloody nerve. Was I really that bad in bed?’

  ‘Christ no, our sex life was amazing El, but I’ve been under so much pressure I didn’t want to taint you with my shit and as it dwindled … when we stopped having sex I needed a release.’

  ‘You withdrew Zac, I tried and you kept rejecting me. Do you have any idea how that felt?’ I looked at him confused. I was feeling really let down and hurt. ‘So I gave you some space hoping you’d let me back in when you were ready and all this time you’ve been screwing other women?’

  ‘Honey, I …’

  ‘Don’t you dare fucking “Honey” me again,’ I hissed and put my palm out in a stop gesture as he stepped towards me. ‘Five years Zac, five years and you shut me out and cheat on me. I deserved more than that, I deserved your honesty.’

  ‘We can work this out El, I’ll be honest now, ask me anything and I won’t lie. I feel better already that it’s out in the open and I promise I won’t cheat again.’

  ‘I’m so happy that you feel better now Zac, well guess what? I don’t. You’ve had your time of moping and leaving me in the dark while you tried to deal, well now it’s my turn to shut you out.’ I stormed off to our bedroom and shuddered as I looked at the messed up sheets. I opened the wardrobe and threw some casual clothes into my case and rummaged in the en-suite for my toiletries and felt him standing behind me.

  ‘Don’t do this Ellie, we need to talk.’

  ‘No Zac, you need to talk, you want to alleviate your guilt and try and make yourself feel better for being a shit. Right now I don’t need that. I want out of here. Go offload on your friends.’

  ‘But we have the whole weekend to try and work this out. It’s my birthday for God’s sake.’

  ‘O thanks, a whole weekend, such generosity. I can’t believe that you just set me a time limit on working this out,’ I laughed as I turned to look at him. ‘You know I went and got myself prettied up for you, got some sexy underwear and an outfit and I was going to really try tomorrow for your birthday, because I was starting to think I was the one with the problem. I’m such a fool.’ I pushed past him and zipped up my case.

  ‘Please don’t go El, I need you.’

  ‘You should have thought of that before you cheated on me, Zac. Well now you can have an amazing weekend, invite a whole hoard of prostitutes over and have an orgy. Maybe the more of them you fuck, the better you’ll feel about yourself,’ I hissed. He grabbed me by the shoulders, spun me around to face him and I gasped as I finally looked him in the eyes. His pupils were so dilated and suddenly my brain kicked into gear, it wasn’t flour on the island worktop, it was coke. ‘O my God, you’re doing drugs as well?’ I exclaimed as I shook off his hold on me. He sat down on the edge of the bed and put his head in his hands. It was like I was living with a stranger.

  ‘I’ve fucked up, I know I’ve fucked up Ellie, but I’m going to sort myself out, I promise,’ he whined. I grabbed my case and ran for the front door, picking up my iPad and handbag on the way, and raced out pressing the button for the lift. I started slamming it with my palm repeatedly, as if that would make it come quicker.

  ‘Come on, come on,’ I begged it and saw Zac appear out of the corner of my eye.

  ‘El, don’t go, I need you,’ he pleaded as I heard the lift ping as it settled in behind the steel door in front of me.

  ‘Zac, for the last twelve months apparently it’s been all about you and what you need. I’m sorry this is hard for you, but right now I need to focus on me and what I need. I’ll call you when I’ve calmed down.’ I quickly stepped in and didn’t look back as the doors closed behind me. I looked up at my reflection in the shiny stainless steel roof. Why wasn’t I crying? What was wrong with me? Harry rushed forward to get the front door for me and as I caught his eye I realised he knew. He’d known when I’d walked through the door earlier that Zac was home and not alone. I felt so humiliated.

  Just under an hour later I parked Maisie, my red MX-5 convertible, outside the row of Victorian semis in the street Brooke lived on. I let out a deep breath, it was time to face the music, she was going to grill me until I burnt to a crisp. I reached over to pick up my mobile from the passenger foot well, where it had landed after I’d thrown it there, screaming at it to shut up as his number appeared for the fifth time on the drive over. I quickly turned it off, grabbed my case off the passenger seat and walked up to Brooke’s front door. Before I had a chance to knock she opened it, grabbed my case off me with one hand and thrust a glass of chilled wine into the other.

  ‘Get on the sofa and drink it while I dump your case,’ she instructed. I nodded and headed in and threw myself into the corner of her sofa and my shoulders slumped as I took a few large gulps of wine. Here I was thinking my Fridays could never get worse than they already were and the universe had just proved me wrong.

  ‘So what’s the shit’s excuse?’ demanded Brooke as she walked back in and topped up my glass.

  ‘That he was under pressure at work, lost a load of money and couldn’t share that with me.’

  ‘How much money did he lose?’

  ‘No idea,’ I shrugged. ‘He trades in millions every day, so for him to be so screwed up over it I guess it’s the sort of sums that people break your kneecaps over losing.’

  ‘I’ll break his bloody kneecaps if I see him, in fact I’ll happily detach his balls. Was the sex a one off?’

  ‘No,’ I sighed. ‘He says it’s been going on for over a year and it’s not just affairs, he’s been paying prostitutes, and that’s not the worst of it.’

  ‘It gets worse?’ her eyes widened as she looked at me.

  ‘He’s doing cocaine as well.’

  ‘O shit, babe,’ she groaned as she flashed a sympathetic look my way and then frowned. ‘Hang on, he’s losing money yet he goes out and scores expensive drugs and orders hookers? That’s going to cost a shit load.’

  ‘I don’t really think the finances of it are the issue,’ I laughed.

  ‘What’s wrong with you?’ she asked, arching an eyebrow as she looked at me suspiciously.

  ‘What’s wrong with me?! My life bloody sucks, that’s what’s wrong with me. I’m in a job that’s unfulfilling, my boss is a cantankerous old git, my fiancé and I haven’t had sex in nearly a year and he tells me he’s in trouble at work and has got himself a coke and hooker habit. So life isn’t exactly peachy with a side of keen Brooke, so forgive me for not twirling on a mountain top singing “The Hills are alive with the Sound of Music,”’ I retorted.

  ‘Isn’t it peachy with a side of cream?’

  ‘No, though that does kind of make more sense. It’s definitely with a side of keen. Anyway, fruit sayings aside, I’m saying my life sucks. Again. And you’re asking me what’s wrong?’

  ‘Well I know all that, I mean you’re not acting like normal. Every
time you have a major argument with him, you turned up here sobbing your heart out and then when you’d got it all out you’d rant. You’re relatively calm.’

  ‘I know,’ I sighed. ‘I feel … I feel …’ I stopped and picked up my wine glass again.

  ‘You feel what?’

  ‘Relieved,’ I whispered as I admitted it to myself.

  ‘Relieved?’ Brooke asked. I was surprised to read from her face that she wasn’t overly shocked or disappointed at my revelation.

  ‘I’ve known something was wrong for months Brooke, I’ve torn myself up trying to work out where we were going wrong. Now that it’s all come to a head I feel like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders.’

  ‘Do you still love him?’

  ‘Honestly?’ I took a deep breath as I pondered the question. ‘I’m not sure, and that’s nothing to do with today, I’ve been feeling that way for quite a while.’

  ‘Then I’ll tell you, you’ve been out of love with Zac for longer than this has been going on.’

  ‘What?’ I looked her at, surprised.

  ‘I’ve seen it from the start babe, you were in love with the idea of him from the start, and who wouldn’t be? He’s good looking, fit, not short on the cash, he made you laugh, and you needed to laugh after that disaster of a relationship with Matt. He was your rebound guy, but you mistook your initial lust and the playboy lifestyle for love and got serious too quickly and got stuck in a rut. He’s not the guy for you.’

  ‘My rebound guy?’ I repeated, testing out the theory in my head.

  ‘Yes, the one who was supposed to cheer you up, show you a good time, spoil you and give you some mind blowing sex. He was supposed to mend you, put you back together for your HEA guy.’

  ‘He was my rebound guy,’ I nodded as I said it out loud again, just to make sure. Brooke was right, I started my fling with Zac because he was fun and I’d desperately needed that at the time. At twenty-eight, well twenty-nine tomorrow, he was three years older than me, he drove a Porsche, flashed his cash and spoilt me with flowers and jewellery. For a girl straight out of Uni, with a broken heart, he’d swept me off my feet, shown me another life and I’d fallen for it. ‘Shit, am I that shallow that I fell in love with his money?’ I exclaimed, feeling disgusted with myself.

  ‘No, he just made you feel good about yourself and you needed that right then. The trouble was you should’ve moved on when you were better and you didn’t. I think you fell in love with his promises of a cosy family life in the country, but come on, Zac’s a city boy at heart. The parties, the socialising, the showing off, all part of his M.O. He was never going to be the type to pack all that up, leave the city and settle down in a thatched chocolate box type cottage and raise rug rats with you. That’s your dream.’

  ‘But he told me he wanted that too, Brooke. I mean we’ve been saving for three years towards the wedding and cottage.’

  ‘Babe,’ she sighed with a shake of her head. ‘When will you get it into your head that you’re a catch? You’re stunningly beautiful, with a figure a model would kill for, hell I’d kill for it. Your tits are perfect, and on top of all that you have an amazing heart and a seriously caring and nurturing side, you’re wife and mother material all over. Of course he’d say whatever you wanted to hear to keep you. You look attractive on his arm and you’re intelligent and funny, what’s not to love? He’d have agreed to anything not to lose you, but I think he’d have made excuses and stalled the move, hoping you’d give up on the idea and stay with him and his bachelor lifestyle in the city.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Come on, Ellie,’ she sighed, looking at me like I was stupid. ‘What’s in your joint savings after three years? The job he’s doing he could easily save enough to have bought a bloody mansion in the country by now, let alone the sort of cottage you’ve always wanted. Here, have more wine while I grab the takeout menus and phone from the kitchen.’ She smiled as she topped me up.

  ‘No need, you know what I’ll have wherever you order from, just do it quick, at the rate I’m drinking I’ll need something to soak it all up with.’ I gave her a sad smile as she disappeared. Was Brooke right? Was I really never that in love with Zac in the first place? And was he never intending on following through with our plans? She had a point with the money, now that I thought about it. He’d buy a new car outright with cash each year, if he could do that we should definitely have more than £60K in our savings, especially when I’d put £15K of it in there myself. I suddenly sat up, grabbed my bag, switched on my iPad in a panic and logged into my online banking and scrolled down to the bottom of the screen. My heart sank as I looked at our joint savings account balance. It was empty.

  ‘Ok, Thai’s been ordered and will be here in half an hour. O God, what’s happened now? You’ve gone really pale.’

  ‘He’s emptied our savings account,’ I said quietly and looked back at the screen still not sure I’d seen the balance correctly.

  ‘How much?’

  ‘The entire sixty grand.’

  ‘In one go?’ she asked. I clicked on the statement.

  ‘No, he started taking it a bit at a time a few months ago.’

  ‘What are you going to do?’

  ‘What can I do?’ I laughed, almost hysterically. ‘It’s a joint account, the bank will say legally he’s done nothing wrong. If he needed our savings he must really be in trouble though.’

  ‘He’ll have to take a mortgage out on his apartment and pay you back.’

  ‘If he hasn’t already taken a mortgage out for the full value. I mean he had to know I’d see the joint account balance at some stage, right? If he didn’t want to get caught that was a last resort to take that. What the hell has he gotten himself into?’

  ‘Don’t worry about him, he made his own bed. What about you?’

  ‘What about me?’ I asked as I looked at her, feeling totally defeated.

  ‘You need a serious change of scene, babe. You hate your job and your relationship sucks ass. Time to wipe the slate clean and start afresh, what do you want to do?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I shrugged.

  ‘Don’t give me that bullshit, you know exactly what you want to do, you’ve told me often enough what your dreams are. You’re going to walk into Captain Crank’s office on Monday morning and quit, you have enough of your own money to not work your notice, right?’

  ‘Yes, but …’

  ‘No buts, babe,’ she interrupted. ‘You want to write, so without a job you’re going to have time to write. Hand me that iPad.’

  ‘Brooke, seriously?’ I asked with a shake of my head as I handed it over. She was talking crazy. Wasn’t she?

  ‘You said if money were no object, and you were single, you’d buy a little boathouse on a lake somewhere secluded, so you could sit at a desk overlooking the water and write your novels. Well you may not have the money to buy one, but if you quit your crappy job you can take at least a month out of your life, rent one and give it a go. A month’s long enough to write a book, right?’

  ‘Yes,’ I nodded.

  ‘Stop right there, you have but face again, well not quite how it sounded, you looked as if you were about to say “but”. No buts, babe. If it doesn’t work out you go and find another job, no problem with your reputation in the industry. Zac’s done you a favour, get out of dreaming what your life with him should be like and live the life you dreamed about. Here, I’ve done a search and already come up with a list of holiday lets and I’ve found you a boathouse in less than two minutes.’

  ‘Over Christmas? How bad is it that no one wanted it?’ I laughed taking the iPad back off her. ‘O my God, it’s adorable,’ I gasped. The pictures showed a fir tree covered island in the middle of a loch, with a white painted boathouse with decking overhanging the water and a jetty stretching out into the loch. It had a mezzanine platform on which the bed was situated in the eaves, and down stairs was an open plan cosy kitchen and lounge with a log burner, a large sofa and a small bist
ro table and two chairs. The pictures also showed a modern wet room and small utility and cupboard at the back. It had been done in Scandinavian style, all whites and reds. Straight away I had visions of me tapping away on my computer at the table with the log burner going and a small twinkling tree in the background as I sipped on hot mulled wine. ‘It’s perfect.’

  ‘It says it’s available for the next two weeks, but doesn’t mention Christmas. Email the owner and see if you can get it for the month, then book your flights for Monday afternoon. That gives you tonight to get hammered with me, Saturday to recover from your hangover, Sunday to go and pack up your big case, Monday you hand in your notice and I’ll take you to the airport. Voila,’ she announced with a flourish of her hand. She made it all sound so easy.

  ‘You don’t have work?’ I asked, trying to slow her down. What she was suggesting would be amazing, but seriously? This morning it had been life as normal, was I ready for so many changes in the space of one day?

  ‘I’ll call in sick,’ she grinned. Brooke was a beautician at one of the top hotels in London. She did nails, facials, massages, waxes, the works. ‘And what are you doing cheating on me?’ she asked as she nodded at my short black nails.

  ‘Sorry, we didn’t have plans for this weekend as it was your time with Steve. It was a spur of the moment decision to take the day off and get preened and pampered, so I could try and seduce Zac for his birthday tomorrow.’

  ‘Let’s hope you meet some hot well hung Scot while you’re up there who’ll fuck some sense into you and make you forget all about Zac. Have you booked that boathouse yet?’

  ‘I just need a minute Brooke, this is a serious decision to pack up and go just like that.’

  ‘What better time? You need space away from shit head, Captain Crank’s never going to improve and Christmas is quieter in most industries. Perfect timing to get away and re-evaluate.’ She nodded firmly at me and I sighed, but when I looked back down at the boathouse I felt a flutter of excitement in my stomach. Maybe she was right, it wasn’t like I hadn’t already thought about quitting my job to try writing and I did need some space from Zac. I needed to really decide if I was still in love with him, if I ever had been, before I even thought about whether I wanted to give the cheating, stealing, druggie bastard another chance. Putting it like that, so blindingly obvious in my head, made my mind up straight away and I requested the available two week booking, with an additional note asking if I could have another two weeks taking me through to just after the New Year. I was a little surprised at some of the detailed information I had to provide to secure the initial two weeks, but I was suddenly too excited to object. I got an email immediately saying that the owner would double check availability and someone would get back to me within twenty-four hours to confirm.