by Robin Roseau
Dee Dee smiled wanly, and together we returned to the safe side of the house.
Dee Dee was subdued for the rest of the afternoon. When I asked her what was wrong, she just said, "I'm sorry, honey, I'm just really tired. I'll be right as rain tomorrow."
And she was.
* * * *
Summer turned to fall, and fall brought a return to school. Still, Dee Dee was waiting for me every afternoon when I got home.
And I turned eight.
Grandma Stark
Winter that year arrived suddenly with a horrible day-after-Thanksgiving snowstorm. Mommy and Daddy were both home from work, and we made a snowman out in the front yard. I didn't see Dee Dee that day. Once the storm let up, it turned cold. I went back to school on Monday, ready to play with Dee Dee when I got home.
"Go play in your room," Grandma Stark told me when I got home.
"I want to play outside," I said. I had kept Dee Dee's secret and hadn't ever told anyone else about her. But I wanted to go play with her. I hadn't seen her in almost a week, and I missed my only friend.
"Do not back talk me, child!" Grandma Stark said sternly. "It is way too cold to play outside. Go play in your room."
Sullenly, I stomped my feet while climbing the stairs, reaching my room and slamming the door. I walked to the window and got the fright of my life.
Dee Dee was immediately outside my window, and she wasn't dressed for the weather. The house had a wraparound porch, and my bedroom window was over the roof of the porch. I struggled but eventually opened the window.
"What are you doing out there?" I asked. "And where's your jacket and mittens?"
"May I come in, Emily?" she asked.
"Yes," I said. "But be quiet or Grandma might hear us."
"She won't hear me," Dee Dee said, climbing in through the open window. She turned around and helped me close it.
"How did you get on the roof?" I asked her.
She crouched down in front of me and looked at me sternly. "Emily," she said. "I'm not going to tell you."
I stomped my foot. Dee Dee rarely told me "no" when I wanted something, and I had learned that acting stubborn usual got what I wanted. But this time she simply crossed her arms.
"Emily," she said. "I am serious about this. I am not going to tell you because I don't want you to try the same thing. I'm a big girl and you're still a little girl. If you fell and got hurt, who would I have to play with? You have to promise me, you will never, ever climb on the roof."
"You're not my mom!" I told her.
"No," she said after just the slightest pause. "But I'm your friend. And you're mine. But if you climb on the roof, we might not be able to be friends anymore. And that would break my heart. Promise. You'll never try climbing on the roof. Ever."
By and large, I was a good kid, and Dee Dee was acting like a grown up now. I knew I had to do what she said. "I promise, Dee Dee," I said.
"Cross your heart," she told me, starting to smile.
So I crossed my heart and promised to never climb on the roof. She smiled and hugged me.
We played all afternoon. We made a tent out of my bedding and pretended we were on safari in Africa. "Oooh," Dee Dee said. "Look." She pointed. "Do you see the baby elephant?"
"Yes!" I told her. "Her mommy is so big, but she's so cute."
We saw baby elephants and baby lions and baby tigers. I didn't know tigers didn't live in Africa. But there were baby zebras and baby warthogs and lots of other babies. And somehow they all played together, even the lions and tigers.
Suddenly Dee Dee stopped us. "Your mother is coming," she said. "Time for me to go." Dee Dee ducked out of our tent, and then a few seconds later, my bedroom door opened.
"Emily," mom said. "Dinner time. Where are you?"
I held my breath, sure she would see Dee Dee, but I poked my head out of my makeshift tent and said, "I'm in Africa, Mommy." I looked around, but there was no sign of Dee Dee. I hadn't even heard her open and close the window when she left.
* * * *
After that, I didn't care whether we played inside or outside. On bad weather days, I always found Dee Dee waiting for me in my room when I got home from school. On good weather days, she waited for me in the barn. The only days I didn't see her were days Mommy or Daddy were home. When I asked her about it, she just said, "I don't want them to catch me. I might not be able to play with you anymore if they caught me."
I didn't understand why, but in my trusting eight-year-old mind, I accepted it.
So we were lusty pirate wenches one day. Another day, we floated down the River Nile on a leaky papyrus raft. I didn't know what papyrus was, and when I asked Dee Dee, she said, "It's a kind of wood they have in Egypt." It was years later I learned, quite accidentally, that papyrus isn't a wood, it's a type of paper. Dee Dee had been wrong. But when I was eight, anything Dee Dee said must be true.
We climbed Kilimanjaro and Everest. One day we were on a submarine and the next in a hot air balloon high above the ground, waving to all the ant-sized people below us. We swam with dolphins and whales, who talked to us and told us about all the fishes in the sea. Dee Dee made great fish voices. We flew with eagles and hopped with the rabbits.
I had a two-month period where all I wanted to be was an astronaut. So at first we were space shuttle astronauts, doing repairs on broken satellites. Then we were part of the first mission to the moon in years and years. Two days later, we walked together on Mars. We imagined going to the stars and living on a space station. We hunted spice pirates, which somehow was okay, because they weren't lusty space pirate wenches.
Spring came, and I was nine. Dee Dee helped me find frogs and snakes. She never caught any herself, but she helped me catch them, pointing them out when they would try to slither or hop away. She knew which rotten logs hid salamanders, although when we turned one log over and found a bunch of writhing worms, she pulled back in horror and disappeared in the a blink of an eye.
I guess she didn't like worms.
We were really a pair of tomboys that summer.
* * * *
I don't know how I managed to keep our secret for three whole years. I was ten before I first mentioned Dee Dee to anyone else.
Dee Dee and I had spent the day as pioneers, new settlers to the area. We'd been farmers with baby chickens and baby horses. She'd told me how it was like back then, before anyone had electricity or television or cars. She knew everything.
My mistake came over dinner. I had learned that Grandma Stark didn't care for Mom. According to Grandma Stark, Mom didn't do anything that a proper lady did. That night, Mom didn't can vegetables. She bought everything at the store.
"Dee Dee told me she'd teach me how to can someday," I blurted out.
"Who is Dee Dee, Emily?" Mom asked.
"Um." I said, remembering I wasn't supposed to tell anyone about her.
Grandma Stark saved me, at least for the moment. "Emily, you haven't touched your green beans." She looked at me sternly, practically begging me to talk back to her. I didn't say anything, but speared three of the dreaded beans and stuffed them into my mouth.
No one else asked about Dee Dee.
But that night, Grandma Stark stopped by my room. She never stopped by my room, the entire time I'd been living there. She knocked and entered, then closed the door. I was in bed, reading a book. Grandma Stark looked at me sternly, and I wondered what I had done wrong.
"Child," she said. "Who is Dee Dee?"
"Um," I said, thinking rapidly. "A girl from school."
Grandma Stark put her hand on her hip. "Do not lie to me, child. She's older than you, isn't she?"
I nodded, afraid.
"She always wears white clothes and has long, blonde hair?"
I nodded again.
Grandma Stark looked away. I remember her expression. I didn't recognize it at the time, but it was heartbreak. Then she looked back. "You should stay away from that girl, Emily," she said.
That may have been the
first time she called me by my name. Normally I was "Child" to her.
I didn't say anything. Dee Dee was my only friend, and I had no intention of staying away from her. I wasn't going to back talk to Grandma Stark, but it didn't matter what she said. I would continue to play with Dee Dee. Why, I'd run away from home if they tried to stop me! I could go live with Dee Dee.
"You should make other friends," Grandma Stark said again. "That girl isn't any good for you. She'll leave you one day."
"She won't!" I said fiercely. "She's my friend." And then I clamped my hands over my mouth.
Then Grandma Stark did something I didn't expect. Instead of getting mad for me talking back to her, she only looked at me sadly. "When she leaves, don't say I didn't warn you."
And then she turned on her heel and was gone from my room, closing the door quietly behind her, almost as if she didn't want Mom and Dad to know she had stopped by to talk to me.
The next day I told Dee Dee about it all.
"I'm so sorry, Dee Dee," I told her in the barn.
"Why is that, Emily?" she asked. She didn't have to crouch down anymore. I wasn't as tall as she was, but I'd been growing.
"I accidentally mentioned you last night at dinner."
Her face clouded.
"Grandma Stark came to my room later. Dee Dee? Are you going somewhere?" I was suddenly on the verge of tears. Dee Dee was my only friend. She couldn't leave me. I'd be all alone again.
"Oh honey," she said. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here when you need me."
"You promise?" I asked her.
"Cross my heart," she said. And she did. "What are we going to do today?"
I looked at her then over at the red car, hiding beneath it's heavy tarpaulin. "You could teach me to drive the car," I said mischievously.
She laughed. "Oh honey," she said. "I'd love to, but I don't know how to drive myself. You'll have to get your Mom or Dad to teach you."
But we uncovered the car. I got in the driver's seat and Dee Dee climbed into the passenger side. We pretended to go for a cross country trip. We drove to New York and Los Angeles, all in the same afternoon. And we never ran out of gas.
* * * *
That winter, I turned eleven. And Grandma Stark got sick. Mommy and Daddy took her to the hospital, and I stayed home. I was old enough to take care of myself for a few hours, and I promised to behave.
As soon as they left in Daddy's car, Dee Dee appeared, looking sadly after them as they drove away.
"Edith is very sick," Dee Dee said.
"Edith?"
"Your grandmother," Dee Dee said. "You didn't know her name was Edith?"
"She's always been Grandma Stark," I said. I thought about it. "I guess I should have known. I didn't know you knew her."
"A long time ago," she said. "She used to bake cookies."
"Cookies?" I said. "She never bakes cookies now."
Dee Dee shrugged.
I wanted to play lusty pirate wenches, but Dee Dee was sad. We went into the house, and she told me stories from when Grandma Stark was a girl my age. Dee Dee had just told a funny story about the first time Grandma kissed a boy -- I made a face.
"How do you know that story?" I asked her, laughing.
"Edith told me," Dee Dee said. She looked away, and I could tell she was sad again.
Mom and Dad spent a lot of time at the hospital over the next two weeks. Dee Dee was with me the minute I was left alone until the minute someone came home. Mom and Dad tried to get me to visit Grandma Stark at the hospital, but I didn't want to see her there, and I refused to go.
But one day, Dee Dee told me, "You have to go to the hospital tomorrow, Emily."
"I want to play with you. I don't like Grandma Stark. She's mean."
"She's not mean," Dee Dee said. "She loves you more than you can ever know."
"She does not! She's always telling me what to do."
"Of course she is," Dee Dee said gently. "That's how you know she loves you."
I didn't understand that then. But I've realized in the years since that Dee Dee was right.
"Tomorrow you have to go to the hospital, Emily. It's important. You have to go. Right after school. You can walk there from school. Tell your mother tonight."
"I want to play with you," I said.
"We'll play tomorrow night in you room after dinner," she said. "I'll sneak in."
"Promise?"
"Yes," she said. "But only if you visit your grandmother tomorrow afternoon."
"All right," I said. "I'll go."
"Good," said Dee Dee. "And honey, if she asks you about me, you can tell her the truth. It's okay."
"But you said-"
"I know what I said, and you can't tell anyone else about me, and you can't tell Edith either, unless she asks. If she asks, you tell her whatever she wants to know. But honey, I'll always be here for you. Remember that, too. If you need me, I'll be right here."
I hugged her. Dee Dee was my only friend, and I loved her to pieces. She was beautiful and smart and funny, and she always took care of me.
"Honey," Dee Dee said. "It's going to be hard. You need to be strong. Your grandmother really does love you, and she needs to see you. You need to be strong for her."
I nodded, not really understanding.
"One more thing, honey," Dee Dee said. "If your grandmother asks about me, tell her I'm always here for her, too. Tell her I'm waiting for her, that I'll always be her friend, too."
That night, I told my parents I wanted to visit Grandma Stark after school, and that I would walk to the hospital. Mom told me she would pick me up after work. They both looked sadly at each other, and I didn't understand why at the time.
The next day was cold, but not too cold. I walked to the hospital. Eleven is pretty young to be in a hospital unattended, but no one bothered me, and I found Grandma Stark's room without any help. She had the bed next to the window, and the other bed in the room was empty.
She looked so old. I'd never seen her looking so old. I'd never seen her sick. She was sleeping when I walked in, but I took my coat off and stood over her bed. "Grandma Stark?" I asked quietly.
Her eyes opened and she looked up at me, then smiled.
"Hello, Emily," she said. Her voice was raspy and weak, but she reached out and took my hand.
Grandma Stark had never shown me any affection of any sort, and feeling her cold, dry hand was frightening. Now I understood why Dee Dee said I had to be strong. I mustered a smile. "It's good to see you, Grandma Stark."
We stayed like that for several minutes, looking at each other. I held Grandma's hand. Finally she asked me about school, and I told her. Then she said something surprising.
"You're a wonderful girl, Emily."
She had never said a kind word to me my entire life.
"I am so proud of you."
That's when I realized something. She was dying. And somehow, Dee Dee had known. I wonder if her parents had told her or something.
I started to cry, but Grandma reached out and brushed the tear from my cheek. "Don't cry, honey."
I remembered what Dee Dee had said, and I tried to be strong.
"Emily?" Grandma Stark asked. "Do you still see Dee Dee?"
I nodded, unsure of my voice.
"Does she-" Grandma's voice broke. "Does she talk about me?"
I nodded. "She told me I had to come see you today."
"I'm glad you did," Grandma said.
"She said you used to bake cookies. And she told me stories about when you were my age. She said you told her the stories."
Grandma smiled. "I guess I did.
"When, Grandma Stark?"
"When?"
"When were you friends? When did you tell her stories?"
"Oh," she said. "A long time ago. Before you were born."
"Oh." At ten, a long time ago was last week. "Grandma Stark, she told me to tell you she'll always be your friend, that she's waiting for you."
Grandma smiled ag
ain and squeezed my hand.
"My eyes are tired, child," she said. She gestured to her night stand. "There's a book. Would you read to me?"
"All right, Grandma Stark," I said. I found the book. There was a bookmark. I sat down in a chair and began to read.
I was still reading when Mom arrived. Grandma had fallen asleep and woken up several times. Each time, she asked me to keep reading, that listening to my voice was soothing. Mom came in and smiled when she saw me reading to Grandma. She crossed to the bed and took Grandma's hand.
Mom and Grandma Stark had never gotten along, so I was surprised to see her gentle look in the hospital.
Grandma opened her eyes and looked directly at Mom. "Take me home," she said.
"What?" said Mom. "No, Edith. You're very sick. You need to stay here until you get better."
Grandma looked over at me. "Emily, child," she said. "Go wait in the hall for a few minutes. I need to talk to your mother."
"Yes, Grandma Stark."
I stepped outside the room, closing the door behind me. I didn't understand what was going on, but I stood in the hallway and made sure I wasn't in anyone's way. I was there for fifteen minutes, bored after the first five, when Mom stepped out of the room. "Go back in, Emily," she said. "I'll be back in a little while. I need to find your grandmother's doctor."
"Is she dying, Mom?" I asked.
Mom looked at me with sorrow, pinching her lips shut. "Yes, Emily."
I threw myself into Mom's arms. My mother wrapped her arms around me.
"I don't want her to die, Mommy!"
"Oh honey," she said, stroking my hair. "No one does." She rocked me for a minute, then said, "You need to dry your tears. Go read to her. She wants to come home."
"She should be in the hospital," I said.
Mom stepped away from me and lifted my chin to hers. "Honey, she wants to die at home in her own bed. Do you understand?"
I nodded slowly. "I'll go read to her now."
"Be strong, honey," Mom said again, clasping my hand briefly.
I stepped back into the room. "Grandma Stark?" I asked.
Mom was gone for a long time. Grandma Stark rested quietly, opening her eyes to look at me from time to time and smiling at me. She never smiled, but she smiled there, that day in the hospital.