by Robin Roseau
She glanced over at my legs again before starting the car. "You can wear skirts all the time," she said.
Once we were driving, my nervousness returned. "Linda," I said. "I don't now how much I'm ready for."
"I know," she said. "And we're going to take this at a slow pace. We won't be having sex tonight."
"Even if I want to?"
"That's right," she said. "Even if you want to."
I wasn't sure if I was disappointed or relieved by what she had said.
"Do you want to know why not?" she asked after a moment.
"Yes."
"Several reasons. First, in spite of how hard I came on in the cafeteria, I'm not all that experienced myself."
"But I thought-"
"I put on a good show," she said. "I've gone further than one kiss, but I haven't exactly been wanton."
I smiled at her but didn't say anything.
"Two. I thought trying to be wanton might be fun. But I don't want to be wanton with you."
"I don't know what that means," I said.
"It means I don't want to treat you like you're just a one night fling."
"I wouldn't have wanted that," I admitted.
"Three. I think both of us need to date around a little. Get to know more people. If we head straight to sex, then either it's a quick fling or it's really serious, with nothing in between."
She let me think about it. "So no sex?"
"No sex tonight," Linda clarified. "I don't promise anything by our third date."
I laughed. "So, we're here to have fun. No pressure."
"Exactly. How does that sound?"
"You know, that sounds really good, Linda."
After that, I was completely at ease. I wasn't worried about how the evening would work out. I wasn't worried about how I looked. I was just there to have a nice time with someone who was turning out to be really cool. And stunningly attractive.
We got to the restaurant, parking at a meter on the street. Linda fed the meter from a coin purse, then took my arm and pulled me to the restaurant.
And that was the first moment in my life I worried about being in public as an openly gay women. What if they wouldn't serve us? What if they screamed things at us? What if they... I didn't know what else they might do. I stopped there, right in front of the door to the restaurant, pulling Linda to a halt.
"What?"
I looked down at our linked arms. "What if?"
"What if they're a bunch of homophobes?"
"Yeah."
"If they are, do you want to give them our business?"
And then she tugged on my arm for the last two steps to the door, unlinking and moving her hand to my back, guiding me through the door. Once we were inside, she grabbed my hand, and we waited for the hostess to seat us.
No one cared that we were holding hands.
We were seated and Linda grinned at me, not releasing my hand.
I had never actually had Vietnamese food before. When I confessed that, Linda asked me a few questions about the types of food I enjoyed then asked if she could order for both of us.
The food was good, and Linda showed me how to use chopsticks, although she eventually relented and handed me a fork, smiling when she did it. "Practice a little each time and it'll be second nature eventually."
We swapped stories while eating. I didn't really have much to tell. I hadn't realized it at the time, but my life to now had been sheltered. I hadn't traveled anywhere, and all I really knew was the part of the world within a hundred yards of my house. I hadn't realized just how small a world I lived in.
When the bill came, Linda grabbed it. When I offered to pay my half, she told me, "I invited you." And that was that.
"So if I invite you next time?"
"Better pick somewhere you can afford."
We paid our bill, drank the last of our tea, and headed back to her car, holding hands.
It was a late autumn evening, and a little chilly outside. Linda asked if I would be warm enough walking across campus. When I said "yes", she parked the car outside her dorm and we walked to the student center for the dance. She hooked our arms again, and it felt nice.
Before we arrived, she said, "I don't want us to dance every song together. We should dance about half of them together and the other half with other people. But I get all the slow songs. And remember, you go home with the woman who brought you."
The student center was just starting to fill up as we arrived. The DJ was already playing music, and Linda pulled me straight to the dance floor. It was then I realized something. I didn't know how to dance.
It turns out it didn't matter. I just did my best to copy what Linda did. For a while, we just stood a couple of feet apart and bounced around a lot. I listened to the music and tried to bounce to the beat.
We danced for a while then, laughing, Linda pulled me from the dance floor. She bought us a couple of sodas, and we found a place in the back of the room to sit for a few minutes and catch our breath while drinking them. We were far enough from the music that we could talk, but it wasn't easy. We had to talk directly into each other's ears.
During a break between songs, a guy came over. "You look great, Linda," he said.
"Thanks, Brian," she said. "You look good, too."
"Dance with me?" he asked.
"Sure."
I was surprised. Linda squeezed my hand briefly before letting Brian pull her to the floor. It didn't occur to me she would dance with guys. But then another guy was standing in front of me, and I recognized Eric, one of the guys that had rescued Rachel and I at the pool hall a couple of weeks ago. The music had started, so I couldn't really hear him, but he gestured to the dance floor, and I nodded.
I danced a couple of songs with Eric, then a slow song came on. He grinned, maybe hoping I would dance with him, but Linda was right there. She smiled at Eric before pulling me into her arms.
I melted against her, wrapping my arms around her.
Suddenly my heart was pounding. This wasn't like hugging someone. This wasn't like that at all.
She smelled wonderful. Linda was a bit shorter than I was, and she was resting her head on my shoulder, my face buried in her hair. Her arms were wrapped around my waist, her hands clasped together in the small of my back. I wrapped one arm around her shoulders and had my other hand on her arm.
She swayed us slowly back and forth to the music.
The song ended all too soon, replaced by another heart-pounding beat. Linda squeezed me once tightly, then pulled my ear to her mouth. "Are you all right?"
I looked at her and nodded. She smiled. We danced to the song then returned to our table to finish our sodas.
That set the tone for the rest of the night. We danced together a lot, including every slow song, which I decided was like magic. I danced with a few guys. When I spotted Rachel, I asked her to dance. And Linda introduced me to a friend of hers and shoved us together onto the dance floor.
Her name was Marie. She was gay, too. That's all I learned about her that night. We danced several songs together, and she was far more forward than Linda was. I wasn't comfortable with that yet. When a slow song came on, she moved to pull me into her arms, but Linda showed up and took me away from her.
"Thank you," I told her.
"You don't like Marie?"
"She's nice, but I'm here with you, and I didn't know what to do about her. Was she trying to steal me from you?"
"No. She's a good friend. It's just dancing."
We stayed until the DJ shut us down. Linda linked our arms and we stepped outside. I immediately regretted how I was dressed. We were both sweaty from dancing all night, and the temperature had dropped. I shivered immediately, and my dorm was all the way across campus.
"My room is a lot closer," she said. "I can loan you a jacket." She tugged on my arm and pulled me to her dorm. Still, I was cold when we got there. We climbed the stairs to her floor, and she pulled me to her room.
As soon as we got there
with the door closed, she turned to me, stepping very closely. We stared into each others eyes. Then she reached up a hand and brushed a lock of hair from my face, and I was sure she was going to kiss me.
Instead, she smiled. "You're so beautiful," she said. Then she stepped away, turning to her closet, and pulled out a sweatshirt for me. I pulled it over my head, and Linda stepped closer and fluffed my hair for me. "There. Now I can walk you home."
"You don't have to," I said.
"Yes," she said. "I do."
We walked slowly across campus, our arms linked again. Linda laid her head on my shoulder from time to time. We didn't talk much, just walked slowly, enjoying being with each other.
All too soon, we arrived at my dorm. Linda walked me to my room, and I was suddenly nervous again. I took off the sweatshirt and handed it to her.
"Invite me in," she said as soon as I had unlocked the door.
"Would you like to come in, Linda?"
"I would love to, Emily." She grinned at me.
We slipped inside, closing the door quietly. I reached for the light switch, but Linda took my hand and pulled me to her, placing both my hands on her hips. Light was coming in through the windows. I didn't know if Rachel was there, already in bed or not.
Linda wrapped her arms around me and said, "I had a very nice time, Emily. Thank you."
"I did too. I was so nervous."
"Are you nervous now?"
"Yes."
"You know I'm going to kiss you. How do you feel about that?"
"I think I'd like that," I admitted.
"And then I'm going to leave. How do you feel about that?"
I thought about it. "I don't know. You could stay a while."
"I could, but I'm not going to. But I'm going to call you tomorrow."
"All right," I said. I was a little disappointed, but excited, too.
Then Linda, moving very slowly, raised her hand to the back of my head. "Close your eyes, Emily," she said. Dutifully, I obeyed. Then she pulled me forward a little further, our bodies pressed closely together, and her lips brushed me, very briefly. She pulled away, and I opened my eyes to look at her.
I had wanted more.
She smiled, then pulled my lips to hers again, and I got the kiss I'd been hoping for.
It was a soft, sweet, romantic kiss. I thought at the time it was the best kiss I could ever get, an earth shaking kiss to beat all other kisses. But I realize now it was a very chaste kiss. A taste, really.
When she was done, she pulled away, and I suddenly understood the phrase, "leave them wanting more." Linda stepped away. "I'll call you tomorrow," she promised again. And then she slipped out the door and was gone.
My heart was still pounding, and I stared after her, raising one hand to my lips, touching me where her lips had been just moments ago.
I turned away from the door, stumbling to my bed, and sat down suddenly, still stunned by the events.
"Are you okay?" Rachel asked, startling me. I didn't know she was here.
"I think so," I said. I searched for her in the dark. She was in bed, watching me.
"Did you have a good time?"
"Yes."
"Do you like Linda?"
"Yes!"
She laughed lightly. "Good. I told you she was sweet."
* * *
Linda called the next day, late in the afternoon.
"I had a nice time last night," she said. "Thank you for going with me."
"I did, too. Thank you for inviting me. And thank you for being so sweet."
She laughed lightly. "You're welcome." Then her tone changed, becoming more serious. "I want to see you again, but I don't want to go steady."
"Is that your way of saying you like me, but you don't like, like me?"
She laughed again. "No. It's my way of saying neither of us has enough experience to make good choices of who we want to spend our lives with, and the only way to get that experience is to get the experience. Which means seeing other people. We're here for four years. If we're meant to be together, we'll figure that out. But we won't do it blindly, just because of a hookup early freshman year."
"So keep it casual."
"Yes. No falling in love."
"I'll try not to," I said.
"Good. So, what are you doing two weeks from yesterday?"
"I don't know. You tell me."
"You're going to the city with me. We're having dinner and seeing a movie."
"That sounds like fun," I said. "Did you ask me for two weeks out so I'd ask you for something next weekend?"
"No, and if you ask I'll say no. Remember the whole casual thing we just talked about?"
"All right."
"So if someone else asks you out next weekend, you already know you're free to accept."
"You're very clever," I told her.
"I know."
We giggled together.
"So, if we're dating casually, does that mean we can't study together?"
"It depends on whether study is a euphemism for making out."
I laughed. "If it were?"
"I'd say no."
"If it's not."
"I'd like that. We can be friends, not just dates for each other."
We each had classes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, so we agreed to have lunch on Tuesday and spend the afternoon studying somewhere. Somewhere public.
Lunch on Tuesday was then Rachel, Linda and I. Rachel seemed pleased that Linda joined us and even more pleased when Linda and I headed to the library to study together.
"Study together" really meant to sit in the same corner of the library, each with our own studies. We had no classes in common. Every once in a while we talked a little, but mostly we each studied quietly.
But she made a point of touching me the entire time, too, and I liked that.
Late in the afternoon, my cell phone rang. I silenced it, but Linda said, "Answer it."
"I'm here with you."
"Answer it." She was grinning.
So I answered.
"Emily? This is Marie. We met at the dance last Saturday."
"Oh, hello."
"Is it Marie?" Linda asked.
"Hang on," I said into the phone then muted it. "How did you know?" I asked Linda.
"How do you think she got your number?"
"You gave her my number?"
"Uh huh. And told her to call you, too." She was grinning at me.
"I'm not sure how I feel about that," I told her. And I wasn't. I didn't give my number out very often, and I felt a little weird that Linda was passing it out. I wonder whom else she gave it to.
"I'm sorry," she said. "You're right. I won't do it again without asking you first."
I smiled. "Okay. Thanks." Then I returned to the phone call. "Sorry about that, Marie. Linda was gloating at me."
She laughed. "I hope it's okay I called."
"Sure. What's up?"
"Right to the point. All right. I think you're cute. May I take you to a movie on Friday night?"
"A movie?" I asked.
"Dinner first. I don't have a car, though. So we'll have to walk."
Linda was grinning. "Tell her 'yes'," she said.
"What?" I said, meaning Linda. I hadn't expected this conversation, but it was clear she'd set it up to be here when I received it.
"I said we'll have to walk," Marie said.
At the same time, Linda said, "Tell her yes."
"Wait. Marie. Hang on."
"Do not put me on hold again," she said. "Or the offer is off." She sounded serious.
"Um-"
"I know Linda is there, and she's telling you to say yes. Tell Linda to shut up and make up your own mind. Do you want to go out with me or not?"
What I wanted was some advice. Marie was pushy, kind of like Linda had been. Everything was going too fast, and Linda was watching me expectantly.
"Marie, I'm taking you outside," I said.
Linda pouted, but she smiled at the same time. I go
t up and found the nearest entrance, stepping away from the library and looking for a quiet place to talk.
"All right," I said. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to be able to hold only one conversation at a time."
"Do you want to see me or not?"
"Marie, how much did Linda tell you about me?"
"Almost nothing."
I waited, letting her elaborate.
"I asked her if you two were an item. She said you were keeping things casual. So then I asked if it were okay for me to ask you out. She said 'yes', and gave me your number. Then she asked me to call you at four today. So I did."
"That's all she said?"
"That's all. I'm sorry if this is a big deal. Maybe we should skip it."
"No!" I said. I liked being asked out.
"You're starting to piss me off, Emily. Either you want to go out with me or you don't. How hard is it?"
"You don't know me," I told her quietly.
"Right. Which is why I'm asking you out. To get to know you. Duh."
I pulled the phone away from my face and stared at it for a moment. Then I took a deep breath and put the phone back to my ear. "You don't know me. Which means you don't know that I'm a virgin. You don't know that I've had one proper kiss in my entire life. You don't know that this is only the second time anyone has ever asked me out. And you're treating me like I'm a moron and telling you I'm pissing you off because you're coming on too strong, and I don't know what you expect from a date. I'm sorry, but the answer is no, I do not want to go out with you." And then I hung up without listening to her response.
I shoved the phone in my pocket, paced back and forth a few times, and then stomped back to the corner where Linda was pretending to study. My phone rang, but I pulled it out and silenced it, then shoved it back in my pocket.
I stared at Linda for a moment. She looked up at me. "So, going to a movie on Friday?"
"Not with Marie," I said. "You could have warned me she was going to call."
"It wasn't my place," she said. "Just like it wasn't my place to tell her anything about you."
My pocket buzzed, and I ignored it.
I sat back down, but I was in a mood, and I didn't know if I wanted to study. I wasn't sure I wanted to be around Linda right now, either, and I crossed my arms, staring at my book for a minute.