by Robin Roseau
"I am looking forward to a nice time with you," I told her. And then I decided if she wasn't going to take my hand, I could just take hers. I reached out and grabbed it, entwining my fingers in hers.
Marie looked over at me, perhaps surprised, but she tightened her hold and smiled. "You look nice," she said.
"Should I have worn jeans?" I asked.
"I like this better," she said, gesturing to me. She looked uncomfortable for a moment.
"What?" I asked her.
"I was going to wear a skirt, too, but-"
"But what?"
"I put a huge run in my last pair of nylons. I thought I had more, but I don't."
I felt better about how I was dressed after that. For the rest of the walk to the restaurant, we talked about school.
Dinner was nice. It was just a chain restaurant, and we both ordered salads. Our conversation slowly grew more personal until I blurted out a question. "What was your first time like?"
Marie was drinking from her glass of water and began coughing immediately. I felt bad about my timing, but once she had herself under control, she smiled at me. "How do you know I've had a first time?"
"Because you're not a nerd," I said. "And I can't believe there can be more than one non-nerd virgin on campus."
She laughed at that. "I'm sure there are others."
"But you're not one of them."
"No, I'm not."
"Tell me?"
"His name was Mike."
My eyes grew wide. I just assumed it had been a woman.
"It was terrible," Marie went on. "The back of his father's pickup, no less, parked out at the gravel pit."
"How romantic," I said.
"It was very romantic. He got me drunk on beer, and I was too stupid to realize why at first. We'd been going out for a while, maybe four or five dates, but he didn't do a thing for me, and I was ready to tell him I wasn't interested."
"Did he. Um."
"No, he didn't force me or anything. I let him kiss me and stuff while I was figuring out how to tell him this was our last date, and the next thing I knew, he was taking my clothes off."
"Did you try to stop him?"
"Not very hard," she admitted. "I told him 'no', and he gave me this hurt puppy dog look. I fell for it." She took a drink from her water. "I was pretty stupid."
"Did he at least have. Um. Protection?"
She laughed at the way I'd asked. "Yes. He was that much of a gentleman. So, I let him do what he wanted, but it was, well, boring. And it hurt. He didn't care. He got what he wanted."
"I'm sorry," I said. "Is that when you knew you were gay?"
"No, I always knew, I think, but I didn't want to be, you know? I wanted to be normal."
"Normal."
"I know. What a fucked up word." She looked down at the remnants of her salad. "That was a Friday night. We were supposed to go out on Saturday, too. Instead, I drove over to his house in the afternoon and told him to go for a ride with me. I told him I didn't want to see him again, that he was a nice guy, but I just wasn't that into him."
"What happened?"
"He got mad. Then I told him, 'A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell. Are you a gentleman, Mike?' He knew exactly what I was asking, and he wasn't going to answer. I could tell he was going to brag about bagging me."
"Boys are such assholes."
"Some," she said. "Some. So I told him that if there was the slightest rumor about me, just the hint of a rumor, I would tell everyone in school he tried to have sex with me, but couldn't get it up after I laughed at how small his thing was. But then I finished by saying I knew he was a gentleman, and so I didn't have anything to worry about, anyway."
"Did he ever tell anyone?"
"Not that I know," she said. "If he did, no one ever asked me about it."
"So effective threat."
"Well, deep down he wanted to be a good guy. I just had to remind him of it. He was a good guy. But a guy. You understand?"
"So, how about your first girl?" I asked.
"No no," she said. "I told you a story. Your turn."
"I've led a very sheltered childhood," I said. "I don't have any stories." I could have told her Dee Dee stories, but I didn't want to think about and I certainly didn't want to talk about Dee Dee. That didn't leave me with very much.
I looked away, and something must have passed over my face.
"Someone hurt you," she said.
I looked back at her. "Can we pretend my life didn't begin until I got here?"
"If you want someone to talk to..." she offered.
"That's sweet," I said. "I just didn't have very many friends, and the one I had isn't around anymore, so I am starting over. Okay?"
She nodded. "So you want to hear about my first girl, then?"
* * * *
We sat next to each other at the movie theater, with Marie to my left. Dinner had been nice, and I decided Linda was right. Marie could be sweet. The movie started, and we sat side-by-side, barely touching. She'd let go of my hand before we stepped into the theater, and she hadn't taken it back yet. I wondered if there was something wrong.
But then a few minutes into the movie, her hand moved over and settled on my leg, sliding my skirt up just slightly so she could caress my leg through my nylons. It wasn't terribly forward, but it felt nice and a little naughty. I leaned my head against her shoulder, and clasped my hand to her upper arm. And that's how we sat through the rest of the movie.
By the closing credits, I was squirming terribly. Her hand hadn't stopped moving on my leg the entire time. She wasn't going too far, but after a while, the sensations became intense. After one squirm, she looked over at me and was grinning.
"Do I have to stop?" she whispered in my ear?
"No."
We were both feeling silly after the movie, joking around on the way back to my dorm, but the mood turned the moment we were standing outside my door. I invited Marie inside. Once inside, I checked to see if Rachel was there, listening in the dark, but we had the room to ourselves. Marie wandered around the room for a moment before somehow magically standing in front of me.
We stared into each other's eyes.
"I had a nice time," I told her. "I'm glad you were persistent."
She smiled. "I'm glad you forgave me."
And then she moved marginally closer. And I leaned towards her. Her arms went around my waist, and mine around her neck. And then we were kissing, standing in my dorm room, our bodies pressed together.
It was a nice kiss, and I was breathless when we finished. I pulled myself closer to her and lay my head on her shoulder, facing away. We stood there, holding each other for a while, before I pulled away.
Marie took my hand and pulled me to the door. Just before she laid her hand on the doorknob, I pulled her back to me, taking another kiss from her.
This one was a quick, playful kiss, and we giggled together afterwards.
"Marie?"
"Emily?"
"I don't know any of the protocols. I don't know what I'm doing."
"Are you asking about tonight, or about sometime in the future?"
"Future."
She smiled. "So we'll have a future?"
"I think so. Casual though, at least for now."
She nodded. "I like to do the asking."
"Linda told me the one who does the asking does the paying, though. It doesn't seem fair that you pay for everything."
"I have an entertainment budget," she said. She pulled me into another quick kiss. "I'll call you, Emily."
"I'd like that," I said as she slipped out the door.
* * * *
Marie and Linda left me excited and confused. I'd had a nice time with both of them. To my innocent, inexperienced eyes, they both seemed so worldly and in control. Being with them was intoxicating to me. Even Julie had more experience than I did.
Looking back I understand they weren't that much more experienced than I was, that we were all figuring out the rules as w
e went. There wasn't a manual, a set of laws to follow.
That Friday, after Marie left me alone in my dorm room, I didn't understand what I was feeling or where my life would take me. I missed Dee Dee horribly, and I wasn't sure I could ever have with any of these women what I'd had with Dee Dee.
But Dee Dee had left me, chased away by my kiss. Replacing her were Rachel, Linda, Marie, and perhaps Julie. New friends, each different and exciting.
Maybe I could heal. Maybe there was life after Dee Dee.
Julie
Saturday morning after breakfast, Rachel and I climbed into my car, slipped a CD into the player, and pointed the car to the big city. We had a much shorter drive than Mom would have, and we arrived in suburbia by ten, heading straight to the mall.
I thought about what Rachel had asked me the day before, about how I wanted to present myself. I felt like two people. There was the tomboy Emily, the woman in jeans and comfortable shirts, the woman who didn't much care what she looked like while tromping through the outdoors, looking for signs of beavers and foxes.
But there was also the far more feminine Emily, the woman who wanted to be pretty. I realized I wanted to see myself as feminine and attractive and by extension, wanted other people to see me that way, either.
"Rachel," I said finally. "I'm a tomboy."
"Yes," she said.
"But I also want to be pretty."
"You are pretty."
"I don't want to try to look glamorous or high maintenance," I said. "I think if I tried, it would look false and cheap."
"So you want feminine but simple and easy."
"Yes," I said. "That's it exactly."
"I think we can make that happen," Rachel said.
Mom must have left early that morning, as she arrived at the mall nearly exactly the same time that Rachel and I did. We caught up at a Caribou Coffee and discussed the plans.
We shopped, we had lunch, we shopped some more, and by the time we were done, all of us were carrying parcels. Mom had been generous, helping me fill out my wardrobe. She and Rachel had great fun picking out clothes for me. But when Rachel found a little black dress that would be perfect for her, Mom had insisted on buying it. Finally, it was time to go.
I hugged Mom and thanked her.
"Honey, it's so good to see you happy again," she whispered to me.
Then she grabbed Rachel and hugged her too. I didn't hear what they said to each other, but I was glad that the two of them had gotten along. I was pretty sure Rachel and I would turn into lifelong friends.
* * * *
One of the dresses we bought was a stunning, vibrant red. I thought it was too much for the date with Julie, but Mom and Rachel had told me I would look brilliant in it. I wore it with a thin black belt and black fringe ankle boots. I added a black shrug in deference to the season. Rachel messed with my hair and makeup. When she declared me ready, even I thought I looked stunning.
"She's going to love you," Rachel said, smiling at me.
"I couldn't do this without you," I told her, pulling her into an impromptu hug.
Rachel hugged me back and told me how much fun she was having watching me come alive.
If only she knew all of it.
I arrived at Julie's dorm several minutes early, then waited so I could knock on her door precisely at 6:30. There was a pause, and I almost thought I would have to knock again, then the door opened a crack and only a crack.
"Julie?"
I couldn't see anyone through the crack.
"Emily, I'm not quite ready," she said from behind the door. "Do you mind terribly waiting in the lounge?" Her hand snaked out and she pointed down the hall. "It's that way."
"Sure, no problem," I said.
"Thank you," she said, closing the door again.
I moved down to the lounge. I stood around, as I wanted to be standing when she finally arrived, and waited for her.
I'd been there for several minutes before a guy casually wandered past. It was a co-ed dorm floor, and he looked like he belonged there. He offered a double take but continued on his way. After two minutes, he came back and entered the lounge, staring at me.
"I'm waiting for Julie," I told him.
"I'm Dave," he said.
"Emily."
I wanted him to go away. I was nervous and wasn't in a mood for small talk. I really wasn't in a mood to fend off anyone's advances. Well, except perhaps Julie's. I wouldn't have minded her advances.
Instead, he stood there, staring at me. It made me self-conscious very quickly.
"You're staring," I accused.
"I can't help it," he said. It wasn't much of an explanation, apology, or promise to stop.
"The ability to control our urges is what's separates us from the animals," I said. "And even a dog can be taught to modify its natural behavior."
At that he laughed. "You're funny."
And still he stared. At some level, it was flattering. But even more so, it was disconcerting. No one had ever stared at me like that before, and I didn't entirely know what to make of it.
Finally I decided he wasn't going to go away, so I turned my back on him, staring out the window instead. It's not like we were actually having a conversation or I should feel obligated to start one for him.
But he wasn't ready to give up. "Do you come here often?"
I turned back. "What? That's your line? Do I come here often?"
He had the grace to blush. "I couldn't think of anything else."
Dave was a big guy. Not overweight, but tall and broad, and I felt very small around him. I realized his size was physically intimidating.
"Dave, you're not my type," I told him.
"You don't even know me," he said. "How do you know I'm not your type?"
I looked him up and down. "Your size is very intimidating," I said. "I like my dates to be significantly closer to my own size."
At that he looked a combination of confused and perhaps offended. "I wouldn't hurt you!"
"Maybe not," I said. "But how do I know that?" It turns out that was the wrong question.
"You could get to know me," he said. "I'm really a pussy cat."
"I like dogs," I told him.
He laughed again. "May I call you?"
"No."
"Why not? I'm a nice guy," he said.
"Leave her alone, Dave," Julie said from behind him. "She said 'no'. When guys don't understand 'no' means 'no', it's why women don't trust them."
Dave turned around to look at Julie, and that's when I got my first look at her. She was wearing a tight red sheath dress. Her hair was up and she was wearing a tastefully light amount of makeup. In one hand, she was carrying a small red clutch purse that matched her dress. She carried her coat draped over her arm.
She looked amazing. It was my turn to stare, but only for a moment, as Dave still wasn't wandering away. He said to Julie, "I didn't do anything wrong, and I wouldn't!"
Julie was still facing him. "Dave, when a lady says 'no', you accept it. You say, 'it was nice to meet you' and leave her alone after that. If you push, then all you do is tell her you're a pushy guy. If you're pushy about that, then she is going to believe that you're pushy about everything else, too. If you develop a reputation as a gentleman, then maybe some of the ladies will learn to trust you. But you're not Emily's type."
"How do you know?"
I watched her sigh. "Because I'm her type, Dave."
Dave looked stunned, his gaze shifting back and forth between the two of us. "Oh," he said finally. "Oh." He backed away very slowly, then practically ran to his room. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter.
Julie and I grinned at each other. I saw her size me up, and she smiled. "Did I embarrass you?" she asked.
"Huh?" Very articulate, I know.
She chuckled for a moment. "Outing you."
"Oh that," I said. "I'm already out. But what about-"
"I'm out, too. Dave is actually an okay guy, but with the social skills of a compu
ter nerd."
"Is he?"
"A computer nerd? No. Physics nerd."
I laughed.
We smiled at each other for a moment. She looked amazing, and I decided she felt I did, too. I dropped my coat on a nearby chair and stepped towards her, taking her coat from her. I held it so she could slip it on, then slipped into my own. We descended the stairs to the first floor then walked to my car.
I remembered to open and hold her door for her. She smiled as she slipped in, and I got a very nice view of her legs as she settled in. I paused, still holding the door open, staring at her legs, then caught myself and closed the door gently before climbing in the other side.
After starting the car, I turned to her. "Thank you," I told her.
"For rescuing you from Dave the Clueless?"
"Well, that too," I said. "But no. For being so understanding. This is new to me."
I watched her think about it as she stared straight ahead for a moment, then turned to face me. "You're cute," she said. "And sexy. I wasn't sure. The first time I noticed you was at the dance. It takes a lot of bravery to be that out. I'm not that brave. Then I saw you on campus, and you looked like-"
"A boy?"
She smiled. "I wouldn't put it that way." She turned to stare out the window for a moment. I wondered if she was trying to figure out what to say next, or perhaps if she was going to say anything else. She turned back. "You're cute. And dressed like this, dead sexy."
I started blushing right away.
"And not used to receiving compliments."
"No, I'm not," I admitted.
"So I thought, maybe I can teach you to treat me the way I like being treated. You don't come with preconceptions. Maybe that means you have no bad habits I have to break."
Suddenly it was very clear which of us was in control of the situation, and it certainly wasn't me.
"Does that scare you?" she asked.
I smiled, but it was perhaps lackluster. "No." I felt hopelessly inadequate and false. She knew what she wanted. I didn't have a clue what I wanted.
"But you're scared nevertheless," she said.
"Yes," I admitted. "I don't know what I'm doing."
She smiled. "Exactly," Julie said. "No bad habits to break."
I had to laugh at that. Well, at least she knew.