Drix storms off muttering to himself, and Taylah heads over to Dakota. Weighing up my options, I follow Drix. There’s no time like the present.
Slamming Dakota’s bedroom door, Drix and I stand in the middle of her room, waging war. “You did this the last time you saw me with Taylah. Stop. Doing. It.”
Ignoring his warning, I let it out. I tell him how I feel. “I'm ready, Drix.”
His eyes dart to mine, and I know the statement does exactly what it was meant to.
Said to me by a broken boy, with the promise he made me in his darkest hour. I repeat the one thing that will bring him home.
Sitting up in the treehouse, I wait for Drix to meet me. Not expecting him to show, I'm rewarded with three knocks on the makeshift wooden door.
Scoping out the space he looks for the furthest corner in the room, and makes his way to sit there. Knees up, shoulders hunched over, he's hurt and defeated.
Knowing about what happened with him and Jagger, I jump straight into the mess. There’s nothing left to sugar coat, and I don’t deserve it to be.
“I'm keeping the baby.” I inform him of my decision, even though he knows me well enough to expect that anything else wasn't an option. “It's Jagger’s”
The silence fills up the box-like space, like water rising. It pushes me under, making it harder to focus. Harder to breathe.
“Say something, Drix.”
Shaking his head, he stares out the window. “I've got so much to say, Sasha, but none of it changes anything.”
“Why aren't you mad?” I push. “You beat the shit out of Jagger, why aren't you screaming and shouting at me?”
“Like, I said. It doesn’t change anything.”
“Can, I sit next to you?” Placing my hands on the floor, I give myself a push, only to see his head shaking in my direction. The answer expected, but still painful.
“I’m sorry. I'm so so sorry.”
“I was furious about Jay. Fucking furious,” he spits out. “You were there when you told me, you got the full brunt of my reaction.”
I chose to tell Drix about Jay, because I knew he would be sharing his conquest with the world any minute. I could predict Drix finding out, and him losing his mind, just like he did with Jagger.
“But I’m still trying to work out how me being so mad pushed you into sleeping with Jagger?”
I wish I had an explanation. I wish I had a good enough reason to make all this worthwhile, but I don’t. I just have a long list of mistakes, because I was too immature and too insecure to let myself enjoy anything in life.
“It wasn’t intentional. I was so upset, and it just happened,” I try to explain. “I’m so, sorry.”
“Stop saying fucking sorry,” he screams. “Do you even mean it when you say it? Do you?” His fury is all it takes for slow tears to turn into an uncontrollable sob. He looks up at me for the first time, his eyes full of nothing but hate. “I feel like I don’t know you at all. You've done almost everything there is to push me away and break my heart.“
“I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment,” I bite back through tears, my defense mechanism trying to push through.
“It’s like you decided to sleep with everyone who wasn't me,” he says flippantly
“Are you calling me a slut?”
“Don’t twist my fucking words.” His lips curl up in disgust. “You broke up with me because you thought I wanted sex, and you weren’t ready. Yet here I am, the only virgin in the room.”
“Will you ever forgive me?”
“You’re having my brothers baby.”
“You’ll be an uncle.” I cringe as soon as the words make their escape “Shit, I—”
“What an awesome consolation prize,” he scoffs. Pushing on his knees he rises, and walks toward me. Kneeling in front of me, he grabs my hands. “It should’ve been mine, Sasha. Right now, or ten years from now we should’ve been having children together.”
“We still can,” I whisper.
“Maybe one day when the dust settles and the stars align you and I can have our life together.”
“Yes,” I cry. “We can Drix, I know we can.”
“But for now.” The slight bit of hope I heard in his voice only two seconds earlier disappears quick smart. “I don’t want to see your face, or hear your voice. I want it to be like you don’t even exist.”
The Birth of Dakota
Laying on my chest, I check her hands and feet, and make sure all her fingers and toes are there. Skin on skin, I’m exhausted, she’s content and every single thing in my life, before this moment, pales in comparison.
It’s been a day since I gave birth to her, and as each hour passes, I’m even happier than the one before. Jagger has slipped into his role with ease, the love and adoration he has for this delicate new life, mirroring mine.
The door opens and I expect to see Jagger or the nurse come in to check up on me, but it’s Drix.
Scraping a chair across the carpet, he sits beside me, his eyes all on her. “She’s beautiful,” he says in a hushed tone.
It’s been close to ten months and I’ve managed to stay out of his way, exactly like he asked. Shocked, I lay back and enjoy hearing his voice.
“I know you’re tired. So just listen, okay?” Nodding, I close my eyes, the onslaught of emotions from seeing him, mixed with my hormones, too much to bear. “This has been the hardest and most happiest moment of my whole life, but I want it.”
My heart slams against my chest.
“I want it with you, Sasha.” His finger wipes the one rogue tear I couldn’t hold in. “When the dust settles and the stars align, tell me you’re ready, and I’ll be waiting.”
22
Hendrix
“I’m ready, Drix.”
The hushed words dance around my ears, and tickle my mouth. “You can’t say that now. It’s not fair.”
“It’s true.” Her knuckles caress the side of my face. “When all the dust settles, and the stars align. I. Am. Ready.”
Her lips skate across mine, and I wait for the usual rush of greed, desperation and hunger to follow.
It doesn’t come.
Where’s Taylah.
23
Taylah
I watch him step away from her, but her lips on his, for even a split second still hurts. They’re mine.
They both look at each other shocked. I expect it to change to guilt the minute they see me in the room but whatever was exchanged has shaken them enough not to notice me.
“Drix.” My shaky voice catches both of their attention, but I don’t give anyone but Drix mine. He turns my way, the light from his eyes missing, his brows furrowed in confusion.
His breath becomes louder, more laboured. The rise and fall of his chest, has me confused to whether he’s angry or anxious. Dashing over to him, I walk him back to the bed. He sits, and I kneel down in front of him. “Drix, baby. Just breathe. In. Out.”
He follows my lead enough that his breathing evens, his eyes become a bit more focused, and he notices me.
“Crazy, I’m so fucking sorry.”
My chin trembles at the sound of his broken voice. “I know.” With so many things unknown, he could be apologising for anything, so I take it. I hold it in my heart, and hope this is just goodbye for now. “But we don’t have to do this now, okay?”
“I just—” Too exhausted to talk, he rises. Our eyes lock, seeing only one another. “I’m sorry I just need some fucking air, okay? Just a minute to think.”
Nodding in understanding I step away from him and watch him walk away from the both of us.
Turning to Sasha, I expect to see victory, but all I see is contempt and anger. On a mission, I stand in front of her. Toe to toe. Thinking about the man she supposedly loves, the man who is literally crippled by the pain she causes.
Uncomfortable I’m in her space, she steps back, making sure there’s distance between us. I push my own hurt from earlier aside, and with the thought of her having power to
ruin my happiness, I let the venom spew.
“You know, I want to tell you how fucking selfish you are.” She jerks her head back at my tone, but I just keep at it. “How your schemes are like poison, picking the perfect time to ruin everything.”
“That man,” I point to the direction Drix left in. “That remarkable, selfless, magnificent fucking man has been at your mercy for too long. He is the perfect friend, the perfect uncle, and the perfect brother, and you insist on reducing him to nothing.”
The adrenaline pumping in my veins fuels my loose lips. “I will never know how he loved someone so fucking manipulative for so long.”
I have to give it to her, she doesn’t shrivel under my heated stare, or any accusation, she just takes it, probably knowing it’s the truth.
“If you love him choose him, Sasha. Don’t throw chaos at him just because you can’t stand the thought of anybody else having him. Be fucking sure because he is pure gold, and you treat him like nothing but trash.”
“That—” she interrupts and I shake my head and hand.
“Just set him free. Let the world experience the full potential of this beautiful man, when he isn’t chained to you and your indecisiveness.”
She cocks her hip, and crosses her hands over her chest. “You mean send him running into your arms.”
“Any woman would be lucky to have him. I noticed that,” I say pointing to my chest. “You didn’t.”
I school my features, trying to reason with her. “Just Let. Him. Go.”
“What if he doesn’t choose either of us?”
Her question proves to me, she’s as one track minded as I thought, because this isn’t about who he chooses, this is about sacrificing your own needs for the person you love. But there’s no point explaining that to someone like her. Instead, I bite back with the bitchiness she deserves. “I’ll still fucking die happy, knowing it wasn’t you.”
“You’re a bitch,” she huffs.
“Maybe that’s why he likes us both.”
Placing Dakota’s tickets on the table, I take the silent living room as the perfect time for my escape. Leaving Sasha in the room, I choose not to find Drix. With the high from my confrontation with Sasha dwindling, I feel the cracks in my chest return. And I need to get out of here before I bleed out.
Just as I’m about to pull the front door open, I hear a familiar voice. “Taylah,” Em whisper shouts. “Where are you going?”
I twist to see her, my hand still on the handle. “Why are you whispering?”
“I don’t know,” she says, continuing to whisper. “That’s what people do in tense situations.”
I give half a laugh. “Tense, huh?”
“Are you okay?” She grabs my wrist and pulls it off the cool metal.
“I don’t know. I think I’m having an out of body experience and I need to get home before it all hits at once and I unravel in public.”
“Drix is outside.”
I shrug at her statement because I really have no idea what his side is to any of this, and after he left me stranded for most of the day, I’m pretty sure I know where his head’s at right now.
“Let me drive you,” she insists.
“I just want to be alone, Em.” I lean forward and give her a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Will you answer my calls?”
“Probably not.” She rolls her eyes, and I open the front door. “Oh,” I say looking back. “You might want to check on Sasha in the room. Don’t let her miss the rest of Dakota’s party.”
She salutes me, and I wave bye.
I need to get out of here.
I walk into my room, and my sad face stares back at me. The reminder that I will get through this screaming at me, like I drew her for this very moment. Tugging at my clothes, I pull them off and kick them to the side of the room.
I find one of Drix’s t-shirts, smelling exactly like him, and wear it. I bunch up the material and bring it to my nose, the smell of wood and soap comforts and kills me all in one breath. I grab my phone, and let Phil Collins’ voice lull me into a false sense of hope, while I crawl into bed and nurse my wounds.
Putting angry thoughts of Sasha out of my mind, I let myself cry, acknowledging just how much I’m going to miss him. I think of any single moment that could’ve changed this outcome between us, or something I could’ve done to have avoided this feeling. But there’s nothing.
I should’ve known it was always going to end up like this. His heart was divided, and I chose to ignore it. Drunk on love, I believed something so new, and short, could outlast whatever connection he has to his past.
As the tears continue, I cry for the unknown, I cry for what we had, I cry even more for how much heartache he’s endured, and I cry over the end of the best thing to ever happen to me.
Eventually he and I will have to say goodbye properly, and I’ll tell him, it wasn’t the little things that hurt the most, it was the loss of the all the big things he and I can’t have.
The house. The kids. The future.
If he was in front of me right now, I would give him one last kiss goodbye and say thank you for the memories. I will remember him with a smile, and gratitude because there’s nothing negative to take away, except we weren’t meant to be.
There’s nothing to fault Hendrix Michaels for, except having a heart big enough to fit two women inside
24
Hendrix
Two weeks later
All I’ve done is sleep and eat and go to work. Every day is on repeat and every thought is on rotation.
Any time I’ve ever imagined Sasha saying those words to me, I felt pure elation. Like nothing in the world would ever top having her in my life, as mine, after all this time.
But then Taylah happened, and even the reality of Sasha wanting to be mine, isn’t enough to subside the ache in my chest.
I miss her, more than I ever thought I could. I miss her despite the mess my head is, and I miss her despite the last fifteen years of my life feeling like one big lie.
I want to run into her arms, and beg her to never let me go. I let myself love her, through all the bullshit she pushed through, and I won’t ever be able to forget her.
I love her.
I just don’t know what to do from here on out. I don’t know how to move past the pain, and bring myself back to her.
I expected the fight with Sasha at the party. She does that, she’s always done that with me. Pushed and pulled any chance she got. But when she told me she was ready, and she kissed me. My heart broke because the woman I loved for so long, didn’t know me at all.
She was hoping I would kiss her back. Relapse. Forget about the woman that chose to put me back together, because she spent so much time pulling me apart.
My biggest heartache, is seeing Sasha in a different light. It’s painful, and it’s life changing. The fact that I should’ve seen it so much sooner, has me hating myself more than I ever thought I could.
I hate myself for loving her for so long. I hate myself for giving her the power over my life that she didn’t deserve. And I hate her, because now I feel weak, and undeserving.
I think I loved the idea of Sasha and I, more than I actually loved her. I wanted what was supposed to be rightfully mine, and I wanted to show the world that perseverance pays off. I was in love with the sweet and innocent girl who told me I light up her world, except I couldn’t see that we were both growing and changing. We were no longer those people, no matter how bad I wanted it to be true.
If I met Sasha today, had no history with her, and wasn’t the uncle to her daughter, she wouldn’t be the woman for me.
But if I met Taylah today and didn’t have all those things to contend with, I’d already be on one knee telling her she’s it for me.
In all this, Taylah is the prize, I just have to show her I’m worthy enough to win.
Lost in a mountain of paperback that needed to be brought home, I mishear the soft knocks at my front doo
r. Getting louder, the noise registers, and I head to open up. Expecting Jagger, who has threatened numerous times to show up and pull me out of my funk, I’m surprised to see Sasha on the other side of my door.
Wearing baggy clothes, sporting dark circles under her eyes, and biting her nails. I haven’t seen her look this out of sorts since Dakota was born.
“What’s wrong? Is Dakota okay?”
“Of course she is,” she says looking confused. “Why would you think that?”
“Because I can’t think of any other reason you would feel the need to show up here.”
The hostility in my voice doesn’t even take time to warm up, Sasha’s presence sending it into overdrive quicker than I expected.
“Drix, don’t be like that.”
“Please, don’t tell me how to be. Don’t you think you’ve done enough of that?”
Looking moderately embarrassed, she averts her eyes before asking if we can take it inside. Swinging the door open with enough force for her to get the hint. She walks in and makes herself comfortable on my couch.
“What is so important, you needed to come over?”
“You don’t think you’ve avoided me enough? It’s been two weeks. I’ve been waiting to hear from you.”
“To hear about what?”
“Us. Together.”
The words us does nothing. My heart doesn’t jumpstart, my mind doesn’t race into the future, and I can’t even muster a smile. “You can’t be serious, Sasha?”
Her eyes widen incredulously. “What’s wrong with you? Of course I’m serious.”
“Sash.” I sit beside her on the couch, ridding myself of the tension, choosing my words carefully. “I don’t want to be with you. I don’t love you.”
Revive (A Redemption Novel) Page 18