— From the Stillroom Book
of Tess Arnold,
Penfolds Hall, Derbyshire, 1802–1806
Chapter 20
The Fate of Chamber Pots
30 August 1806, cont.
WITH A MISCREANT INSENSIBLE AT OUR FEET AND THE picnic hamper perched upon our laps, we achieved Bakewell in less than two-thirds of the period required for quitting it. Perhaps twenty minutes into our journey, a series of groans could be heard emanating from the pony trap’s floor; the highwayman was once more in the land of the living, and by the sound of his mournful tones, regretting the privilege. He was too securely bound to occasion alarm; I resisted the impulse to set my feet upon his head; but with such music in our ears, neither Cassandra nor I could summon the energy for conversation. The remainder of our pleasure drive was spent in the grimmest silence, while the beauties of Derbyshire passed away unnoticed.
Nate drove straight through the town from the Baslow road and made directly for the constables’ watchhouse, where our burden was deposited amidst cries of wonder and consternation; the watchmen could no more recognise the fellow, when deprived of his India cotton scarf, than Nate had been able to do. Cassandra insisted at this juncture upon walking the last few hundred yards to the head of Matlock Street, where all the comfort and sustenance of The Rutland Arms awaited; we left the picnic hamper to Nate’s attention, and thanked him profusely that we had not come to greater harm.
“And I shall send immediately for Sir James Villiers,” I informed the constable, “with the instruction that he must seek you out, and question narrowly this fellow in your keeping; do be certain to keep him close, and watch him well, for he seems to me the slipperiest of brigands.”
The highwayman positively swelled with pride at this encomium, and the constables looked all their confidence; I left the whole party in rousing good spirits, and determined to enjoy themselves.
“What did that ruffian mean,” Cassandra enquired at last, “when he spoke of a book you had taken from Penfolds Hall, Jane? I had not known that you found occasion to visit the place.”
“I presume the fellow would mean the stillroom book belonging to the murdered maid,” I replied. “Her sister placed it in my keeping only yesterday.” Her sister. If the masked highwayman had known to follow me from Bakewell, as I must presume he had done, then Jennet Arnold must have set him on me. Whether she had done so with the intent to harm remained open to question. At the very least, she had been pressed for her knowledge; but who could wish to secure the still-room book so desperately, that he should send out a man with a pistol in broad daylight? The highwayman himself — or one who employed him?
One lesson, however, I had learned: The stillroom book must be secured against theft or injury, if I had to carry it myself to Chatsworth that evening in a reticule the size of a carter’s dray.
“MY DEAR CASSANDRA! — JANE! THE OUTRAGE THAT has occurred in your absence!”
My mother cried these words as we appeared on the parlour threshold, and immediately sank back into her chair, a square of lawn pressed to her eyes. Sally bent most anxiously over her, waving a vinaigrette, while Lord Harold Trowbridge himself appeared to be occupied chiefly in collecting shards of pottery from the parlour floor. My cousin Mr. Cooper was singing. The volume of sound in that small place was sufficient to drive out every other thought.
Cassandra set down her sunshade — which alone she had retrieved from Nate’s trap, the rest of our things being intended to arrive with the driver — and untied her bonnet strings. “My dear mother, have you suffered on our account? Has some news of our mishap travelled already to your ears? But we are perfectly well, I assure you — neither Jane nor I regard the indignity as being in the least out of the ordinary way.”
“Not out of the ordinary way?” my mother cried, with a wild look. “Such spasms in my side — such palpitations of my heart — when a respectable woman is robbed in her own rooms, in a decent inn managed by worthy people? I should call it very much out of the way!”
“Robbed?” Cassandra pressed her fingers against her ears, as though to ward off the bellowing chorus from Mr. Cooper, and glanced anxiously at me.
“Lord Harold,” I called out, “I had not looked for the honour of this visit. Would you be so good as to tell us who has been robbed?”
“Michael Tivey,” he replied, “and of the better part of his reason.”
“Michael Tivey! The surgeon?”
“I fancy he appeared more in the role of blacksmith this morning. But yes. The same Michael Tivey.” Lord Harold stood up and carried the shards of crockery over to the parlour table. The devoted Sally — whom my mother had waved peremptorily away at the first sight of her daughters — set down the vinaigrette and commenced loading a kitchen tray with smashed earthenware.
“It is the chamber pot, Jane,” Cassandra murmured with twitching lips. “We seem destined to destroy them all.”
“Mrs. Austen has been troubled this morning by an unwelcome visitor,” Lord Harold explained. He crossed to the corner near the parlour window, where my cousin still stood, drawing breath for a fourth verse, and seized him by the arm. “My good fellow — if you do not leave off that dreadful noise at once, I shall be forced to call you out; and though it has been my habit, in affairs of honour, never to aim for the heart — in your case, my dear sir, I should be sorely tempted.”
Mr. Cooper paused, his mouth agape; allowed an expression of mortification and sheer terror to fill his countenance; and then exited the parlour without another refrain.
“I have affronted him,” Lord Harold observed. “That is very well. Nothing so becomes a man as a sensation of injured pride. He will set himself to drafting letters to my direction; he will consider the naming of seconds; and when Mr. Cooper comes to realise that the only possible second remaining to him is presently residing in Bakewell gaol, and thus beyond all power of a dawn meeting — he will drown his injury in a quantity of hock. A far preferable recourse than pistols for any self-respecting clergyman.” Lord Harold dusted a few fragments of pottery from his fingers and raised an eyebrow in Cassandra’s direction.
My sister choked on what might have been a laugh.
“Does no one spare a thought for me?” my mother exclaimed indignantly.
“Most certainly, ma’am,” Lord Harold assured her. “My own thoughts at present are full of admiration for a lady of such advanced years, and indifferent health, who is yet capable of defending her honour with a chamber pot so soundly, that she lays a man of fifteen stone insensible at her feet.”
“My lord,” I said, “pray enlighten us.”
“Michael Tivey, being long familiar with The Rutland Arms, having assisted in its construction not two years ago through the manufacture of some iron implements and grillwork, engaged to enter the premises by the servants’ door, just off the stableyard, when the cook and the benighted Mr. Davies were otherwise diverted by the cares attendant upon the management of a posting inn. Tivey mounted to this corridor by the servants’ stair, and forced his way into the parlour — whose door, it must be admitted, was undoubtedly left on the latch. Your mother, being thoroughly wearied by the hurly-burly of trade, and the consumption of a rather heavy dinner, complete with iced cakes, had given way to the arms of Morpheus; when the stealthy footfall of Tivey in an adjoining room alerted all her senses. She called out, believing herself to have been joined by Mr. Cooper; and the footfall fell instantly silent. No answer did Mr. Tivey make. Alarm seizing the excellent lady—”
“—I took up the chamber pot and made immediately for your bedroom, Jane, where the scoundrel had hidden himself. He thought to push past me — he thrust himself savagely out of the door, my dear, so that I very nearly fainted — and with all my strength, I threw the pot at him!”
“You succeeded in striking him in the head?”
“Not at all,” my mother cried. “But the pot, in tumbling at his feet, quite tripped up the rogue; and he dashed his head against the corner
of that table. There was a quantity of blood; but as I fainted away myself at that moment, I had no cause to regard it.”
“The blood fell to my lot,” Lord Harold observed, “or rather, to the excellent Sally’s; for the girl had just been conveying me to this room along the front passage while Tivey commanded the rear. She found the door already thrown open, and two bodies lying as if dead within; but happily, all such mortal fears were laid to rest with Mrs. Austen’s regaining her senses. I restrained the blacksmith, while Sally cried out for Mr. Davies, who was instantly in attendance — Davies summoned another man — and in a matter of minutes, the offending Tivey was removed to the kitchens below. Sir James Villiers is already summoned.”
“And have you enquired what the blackguard meant by invading our rooms in such a manner?” Cassandra demanded indignantly.
“I have not, because I rather fancy I know. He wanted the book your sister saw fit to carry away from Penfolds Hall; and he meant to have it.”
“Tivey!” I cried. “Then it must have been he who placed that highwayman in our way!”
“Highwayman?” gasped my mother, turning pale. “Whatever is to become of us? Whooping cough is nothing to it!”
I dashed towards my bedchamber, but stopped short on the threshold. The mattress had been tumbled from the bedframe. The quarto volume I had wrapped in a shawl was nowhere in evidence.
“But what possible use could the Coroner make of such a thing?” I asked despairingly.
Lord Harold touched my shoulder in a gesture of comfort. “Perhaps he regarded it in the light of evidence, Jane.”
“But against whom?”
“For that, we must peruse its pages.”
I turned — and saw the very volume resting in his hands.
“I wonder who first discovered the efficacy of the mattress as a hiding place — Adam, or Eve? No matter. I pried the stillroom book from Tivey’s clutches while he was as yet insensible. I advise you not to let it out of your sight.”
I could have kissed Lord Harold’s grave and inscrutable face; but instead, I clutched the volume to my breast and said only, “Thank you, my lord.”
“Thank your mother, my dear,” he advised. “It was she who was beforehand with the chamber pot.”
IT WAS ONLY AS I CONDUCTED HIS LORDSHIP TOWARDS the coaching inn’s door that I thought to enquire after his purpose in paying his call.
“Merely to offer these,” he said carelessly; “they should go very well, I think, with your hair.”
He held out a small velvet box, such as one might obtain from the dearest of London jewellers. I looked up at him wordlessly, my arms at my sides. It was impossible that such a man should make a gift of something precious to me; and impossible that I might keep them, if he did.
“They are ornamental combs belonging to my niece, Desdemona,” he said. Something flickered in his eyes — an understanding, harsh and painful, of my predicament. My cheeks flamed red.
“She enquired as to your dress”—he still held out the box in his gloved hand—“and I confess I could tell her nothing. Please accept them. Mona was most anxious that you should be happy on such an occasion — your first evening at Chatsworth.”
“The Countess is very good,” I said haltingly. I should have felt relief at the little parcel being anything but a gift; instead, a wave of shame and vexation at my mistake swept over me. I reached with trembling hand to accept the box.
“What is it, Jane?” Lord Harold enquired gently.
I shook my head, and opened the lid. The combs were ebony, and set with a pair of sapphires; they should look charmingly against Mona’s hair, and would do very well, indeed, with grey silk. I managed a smile. “Pray offer my deepest thanks to Lady Swithin,” I told Lord Harold. “I shall wear her combs with pleasure.”
“I have ordered His Grace’s carriage for your comfort,” he said. “It shall be standing at the door at six o’clock.”
And tipping his hat, he was gone.
A Remedy for Sun-burn
Tan may be removed from the face by mixing magnesia in soft water to the consistency of paste, which should then be spread on the face and allowed to remain a minute or two. Wash off with soap and rinse in soft water.
A preparation composed of equal parts olive oil and lime water is also an excellent remedy for sun-burn.
— From the Stillroom Book
of Tess Arnold,
Penfolds Hall, Derbyshire, 1802–1806
Chapter 21
A Macabre Masquerade
30 August 1806, cont.
“MISS AUSTEN! I AM TOLD THAT YOU HAVE MET WITH the most abominable behaviour in the world this morning! Are you entirely well?”
Sir James Villiers, his countenance animated by the liveliest anxiety for my welfare, hailed me thus from the swinging door that separated the public rooms of the inn from Mr. Davies’s quarters. I assured the Justice that I was in perfect health and spirits, though justifiably apprehensive. I should prefer the experience of highwaymen and robbers to remain marked by its singularity.
“Naturally!” he cried. “And for that very reason I have instructed my men to throw Michael Tivey into the watchhouse, alongside his confederate Will Pickle. Tivey has been responsible for too many disturbances of late, and should benefit from a period of sober reflection.”
“Will Pickle, I presume, acted today as highwayman?”
“He did, and confessed the whole at my interrogation. He is a cousin of Tivey’s from over the Buxton way, and so was not likely to be recognised in this part of the world. I am assured he meant you no harm; but, however, he appeared on the road and brandished a firearm, and thus must be tried as a desperate and violent man. He shall be fortunate to escape hanging.”
“For that, I should have to lay charges against him, I suppose.”
Sir James appeared surprised. “I had not thought that was open to question. You will surely wish to do so.”
“I should rather show clemency, and perhaps obtain valuable information in exchange. Michael Tivey, too, I presume, is open to the laying of a charge? For there were several witnesses as to his thieving entry into our chambers.”
“Certainly.” Sir James’s eyes narrowed. “What is it you would propose, Miss Austen?”
“Mr. Tivey sought to obtain the stillroom book compiled by the murdered maid, Tess Arnold. There can be only one purpose in his elaborate subterfuge: he regards the book as a threat to his own security. I have already perused nearly half of the maid’s entries, and may attest that there was considerable collusion between herself and the surgeon; she often obtained medicines from Mr. Tivey that should belong more properly in an apothecary’s establishment. But I can find no evidence of any real wrongdoing on the surgeon’s part. I must suppose, therefore, that Tivey has no idea what Tess might have written in the book — and that it is his own guilty knowledge which drives him to secure and destroy it.”
“What would you have me do with the fellow?”
“Is he still detained there, in Mr. Davies’s kitchen?”
“He is.”
“Then I should very much like to speak to him, Sir James — if you would be so good as to bear me company.”
The Justice smiled, and held wide the kitchen door. “With the very greatest pleasure, Miss Austen — provided you will undertake to leave in peace, any crockery you are tempted to fling at Mr. Tivey’s head.”
“If it must be so, it must.” I sighed, and preceded him through the door.
The inn’s kitchen and adjoining scullery were of a size commensurate with the needs of a coaching establishment. A cook and two scullery-maids, sweat glistening at their temples, were huddled between the hearth and a double stove set into the wall at its side; Sally our parlour-maid sat darning a sock by the open back door. Michael Tivey, his powerful arms bound tightly to his sides with a length of twine, was perched on a stool; Nate stared balefully at him, blunderbuss levelled, from a distance of perhaps five feet. Mr. Davies appeared too harassed by
his several duties, and the signal honour of a Justice in the kitchen, to spare Michael Tivey a thought.
“Here we are,” I declared, “and none the worse for a trifling fall from a pony trap, on my side, nor a blow to the head on yours, Mr. Tivey. I did not think that I should meet the respected Coroner of Bakewell again in such circumstances — but life is replete with irony, is it not?”
“Get the woman out of ’ere, Joostice,” Tivey muttered at Sir James. “Ah’ve no time fer a deal o’ palaver.”
“I should lend Miss Austen your ear, Tivey,” Sir James replied in a severe tone; “she has your interest — and liberty — at heart.”
The surgeon’s head came up, his countenance a sketch in canny hostility. “Wha’ joo want wit’ me, then?” He made no effort to speak, I noticed, with the deliberate care of the Inquest’s proceedings. Discovery and disgrace had returned him to a baser realm.
“Mr. Davies,” I suggested, “would you be so good as to afford us the liberty of the kitchen for a period? Mr. Tivey might prefer to speak for the Justice’s ears alone.”
Davies sought Sir James’s face, then cleared his throat noisily. “Now then, girls,” he ordered. “Into the yard wit’ thee. You, too, Nate. Happen we might fetch that load o’ flour Miller ‘as waitin’.”
The serving members of The Rutland Arms filed dutifully — and not at all unwillingly — through the back kitchen door, and Sir James saw it fastened securely with the bolt. The warmth of the kitchen was swiftly stifling; but my own discomfort could not be allowed to matter. I folded my hands and looked at Michael Tivey.
“You sought this morning, by various stratagems, to obtain the stillroom book compiled by the dead maid, Tess Arnold. You did so because you fear what the woman wrote concerning yourself. Your activity came too late, however, and fell far short of your objective; I had already perused the book’s pages, and what Tess knew of your nefarious habits, Michael Tivey, you may be assured that I now comprehend as well.”
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