She shook her head, inched closer to him and put her hand over his. The gesture broke him.
“Kara. Oh, God, baby, I’m so sorry.” He clutched her tight and when her arms came around him, vowed to never let her go again. “When Nadia… Jesus, I couldn’t do it again. I wouldn’t survive it a second time.”
She went still, but he wouldn’t let go of her.
“Lynn thought I was watching her. I thought she was watching her. I can’t even remember what we were doing that was so goddamn important but neither of us were watching her and she escaped. She got out of our apartment and out to the street. A car hit her and—and she bled to death in my arms. All of my training. And I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t save her.”
His entire body shook in her arms and she didn’t let him go. Her hands stroked his back, his hair, soothing him, calming him. He wanted to sink into her and never surface again.
But he had to finish it.
“I shut down. Shut everybody out. Eventually, Lynn left me. I was damn close to losing my job when Kyle sent me another sign. Know what it was?”
She shook her head.
“Infant and child CPR classes.”
Kara almost smiled.
“Yeah. I know what you’re thinking. I hate doing them. I was sitting in the conference room when my captain asked for volunteers and next thing I know, the gig is mine. I don’t even remember putting my hand up.” He managed half a laugh. “Anyway, I did a few classes and then parents started coming to the fire house, telling us how the class saved their son, their daughter, their niece or nephew. I managed to hold on, stack up the days again. And then I met you and your daughter.”
Deliberately, he put her away from him.
“This is—you are the first time I’ve been happy since I lost my kid.”
She shook her head, her eyes filling with tears again. “Then why did you take off without a word?”
“Because of this.” He opened the bag beside him on the bench, took out a book.
“The Velveteen Rabbit?”
“This was my daughter’s favorite story. I was at the Memorial, talking to Kyle and I saw this image. It was a woman reading this book to my daughter. I’ve never seen any pictures of your mother but I know it was her. Kyle told me to help you, but you said—”
“You were my sign.”
“And I believed it. It was so easy to believe it. Until Steve showed up, put the fear of hell in you. All I could think was I’m going to lose another child. I can’t do that again.” He shook his head slowly, hypnotically. “I took that call, sitting in that waiting area and there was a book on the floor. This book.”
He took out the second copy of The Velveteen Rabbit from the bag, waited for her to say something. To tell him if he was bat shit crazy or not.
“It’s a sign, Reid.”
“Yeah, it is. I thought it was a sign telling me to run—fast and far. So that’s what I did. But I think that was a mistake, Kara.”
“Oh, you think?”
Her biting tone cut him to the bone, but he was determined to finish this. He laughed once at her impatience, a tiny huff of air. “I started wondering, what if I’m wrong? What if the book isn’t a warning, but an invitation? So yesterday, I went to Erin’s grave, Kara.”
Kara pressed both hands to her mouth, cried for him.
Encouraged, he rambled on. “For the first time since she died, I visited her grave, I read her favorite book to her. And I cried, Kara. I cried like a two-year-old and the whole time I was there, I didn’t feel guilt or blame. I felt…kind of lost. And so alone.”
He laughed once, a rasp of breath on a raw throat. “When I thought of you and Nadia, I swear to you, I heard a voice say Go.”
She didn’t say anything and Reid sighed.
“I can’t spend another minute away from either of you. I love you, Kara. I love you both.” Her mouth fell open at those words, but he took her hands in his before she could say anything. “I spent all night trying to figure out how to make this right and I don’t know if I can, but please,” he begged with a squeeze of her hands. “Please believe that.”
Kara shook her head. “Reid. I do believe it. And I’m in love with you, too.”
The lead weight in his gut eased.
“But I don’t know if that’s enough.”
And just like that, it crushed him again.
“Reid, I was happy, too. The happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I had you and I had my daughter and I was learning to be a good mother and then you left us.” She waited a beat but he said nothing. There wasn’t anything he could say to make this better.
“How do I know you won’t leave again? How could I trust you? If we got together, I’d want to make brothers and sisters for Nadia and then what? Will it be a concussion during baseball practice? A fall during cheerleading? You’ll blame me for not watching our children and we’ll be just like you and Lynn, and I…” she trailed off, her lip quivering. “I can’t do that.”
He swallowed hard.
“Kara, please. Please.” He fell to his knees in front of her. “Don’t do this, baby.”
“I’m not saying no, Reid. I just… I have to think about this. It’s not just me. I have to do right by Nadia, too. I need time.”
He stood up, shoved his hands in his pockets. “Yeah. Okay. You’re right.” He shoved the books back in the bag. “Coffee’s yours. I was on my way to your place and—” he shrugged and didn’t bother finishing the sentence. “I’m sorry, Kara. I am so sorry.”
He turned, walked away.
She let him.
Chapter Fifteen
‡
The days blurred together. Beth’s mother was doing better. Her diagnosis was not cancer but Kara elected to leave Nadia in daycare, where she was thriving, learning new words and making friends. Her little girl was even invited to another child’s second birthday party.
She tried to put Reid behind her but that turned out to be impossible, especially when her CPR card arrived. She kept staring at it, twisting it in her hands. Her card number was 1221.
Nadia’s birthday.
She tossed the card to her kitchen counter and tried to convince herself it meant nothing, just like all the other signs she’d seen. She went to bed each night thinking of Reid and woke up the next morning picking up right where she’d left off. Putting him behind her was an exercise in futility.
Steve continued to call, begging for another chance. Kara had finally decided to allow him to meet his daughter. Her nerves were a jumble of frayed edges and she really wasn’t sure this was a smart move, but he was, after all, Nadia’s father. So one hot afternoon after a day spent with demanding clients and an irritated boss, Kara hurried into the Rainbow Montessori School to pick up her precious baby, only to find her in a bad mood, too.
Something in the air, no doubt.
She fastened Nadia into her harness, steeled herself against the baby’s angry screams and collected her things from her little cubby. There was a report from her teacher inside. Nadia had not napped that day. She also hadn’t finished her lunch.
Fantastic.
“Hi, Milk Dud.” She crouched down to Nadia’s level, ran a hand over the baby’s tender cheeks. Nadia squirmed away. “Show Mommy your teeth. Can you say cheese?”
To her delight, Nadia did. And there it was, a new tooth swelling her little gums. Kara rooted through her bag, found a teething ring, and fastened it to the stroller. Nadia happily clamped down on it. Kara went back in the bag, retrieved a bottle of baby pain reliever and quickly administered a dose the way Reid had taught her.
She was supposed to meet Steve at a restaurant nearby and really wished she could cancel since Nadia was feeling out of sorts. But she didn’t want Steve at her apartment either. Best to show up and make a fast exit as soon as Nadia got cranky. She waved to the school personnel on her way out and started walking. The air was heavy and humid and she hoped they’d be safely home by the time the rain started. By the time s
he found the place, Nadia was asleep and Kara was concerned. Nadia didn’t like to sleep. This could only be a sign they’d be in for a long and unhappy night.
She snorted. Stupid signs.
With a sigh, she pushed through the door to the restaurant and shivered. The air conditioning was set to meat locker temperature. She pushed Nadia’s stroller to the side, asked if Steve Orland was there yet and got a blank look.
Wasn’t that just perfect?
“Fine, I’ll need a table for two with room for the baby to be out of your traffic path.”
She was escorted to a table for four where the server removed one of the chairs. It wasn’t ideal, but it would do. She ordered a soft drink and nibbled at the bread basket as soon as it was put down. She watched Nadia sleep while she ate. The baby’s curls were matted from the humidity and goosebumps were evident on her chubby legs. Kara took Nadia’s blanket out of her bag, spread it over her and sat back, scanning the place for Steve. Her eyes settled on a figure at the bar.
Reid.
A group of people blocked her view and when they moved, the figure was gone. The ache in her chest peaked and left her on the verge of tears. She wished she could stop her eyes from seeing Reid in every guy with dark buzzed hair. She simply couldn’t take much more.
“Hey, Kar.”
She jerked, looked up to see Steve Orland, former love of her life standing next to her. He bent to kiss her but she backed away. He pressed his lips together, pulled out a chair to sit and noticed the baby in the stroller. “Oh, wow. This is Nadia?”
Kara nodded.
“She looks like me.” He laughed.
He peeled off the blanket and started unfastening the restraint. Kara shot out a hand to restrain him. “What are you doing?”
“I’m waking her up. I want to meet her, not watch her sleep.”
“Not a good idea, Steve. She’s not feeling well and trust me on this, you don’t want to meet her when she’s cranky.”
“Oh, come on, Kar.” Steve waved a hand. “My daughter needs to be awake to meet her daddy, right?”
She bristled over his choice of pronoun. “Steve, don’t—”
He already had the sleeping toddler out of the stroller. “Whoa. Sturdy little thing. Jeez, what do you feed her?” He sat down, arranged Nadia on his lap. She blinked owlishly at Kara and then realized someone else was holding her.
“Eed.” Nadia swiveled around to see who it was, but it wasn’t Reid.
“Hi, Nadia,” Steve grinned down at her. “I’m your daddy.”
Nadia’s lower lip jutted out and her body went tense. Kara had time to think uh oh before she let loose with the first ear-piercing scream.
“Whoa. Jesus.” Steve held her out like she was a bomb about to detonate. Kara took the baby out of his arms, shooting daggers at him the whole time. The baby was terrified. She’d never seen her like this before. With one hand, she sifted through the diaper bag and found Nadia’s sippy cup, but the distraught baby knocked it out of her hands. Kara’s face burned under the stares and glares of all the other customers, and she did her best to soothe the baby but nothing worked.
“Maybe you should just ignore her. Let her cry it out.” Steve cast a disapproving glance at the screaming baby.
“If you’d let her sleep in the first place, she wouldn’t be screaming right now.”
“Oh, so it’s my fault.” Steve rolled his eyes.
“It is your fault,” she all but spat back at him.
“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” He held up both hands. “Can you put her back to sleep or something so we can eat in peace?”
“Sure, Steve. I’ll just press the power button.” Kara was certain that if her hands weren’t full of screaming, squirming baby, she’d have stabbed Steve Orland with her salad fork at that moment.
A throat cleared behind her. “Uh, Kara?”
For a moment, time stopped. She whipped around to find Reid standing there, his brow furrowed, and wondered if this was a hallucination, another mistake. She took in the green eyes circled by days of no sleep, the rugged jaw shadowed by stubble and her heart took off soaring and her belly flipped. Nadia saw him and held out her arms. “Eed.”
He was here. He was here and suddenly Kara didn’t care about what he’d done, what he’d said, what he hadn’t done. All that mattered was him.
He shifted, looked at her baby girl and his face completely transformed. The smile exploded from him, lighting up his eyes and strangely, having the same effect on her. “Give me her bag. I’ll take her while you two…talk.” He took the baby, settled her on one hip and frowned. “New tooth, huh, little miss? That’s gotta hurt. Come on. Let’s see if we can make you feel better.”
He was here and he knew.
Kara just stared at him, a storm of emotions whipping through her. She handed Reid the bag dangling from the stroller’s handle and watched him disappear to the rear of the restaurant into the Men’s Room. She could still hear Nadia’s cries.
Beside her, Steve sighed. “Wow. Some set of lungs on her.”
Kara shot him a glare. “I told you she’s not feeling well.”
Steve looked up from the roll he was buttering. “But she’s fine, right? You said she has none of the problems I do?”
“No, no. She’s just teething. She’s fine.”
“Okay. So what looks good?”
He picked up his menu and Kara’s blood began to boil. She’d brought her daughter here to meet her daddy for the first time and Steve was deciding between the shrimp cocktail or the buffalo wings for his appetizer while his daughter was in the Men’s Room with some stranger.
Some stranger.
The words echoed in her ears. She stared at Steve like it was the first time she’d ever seen him.
Some stranger.
Abruptly, it struck her that here was the sign she’d been searching for since her mother died. It wasn’t Reid.
It was Steve.
Steve was her sign.
She’d wanted a second chance at love. She’d been given it. She’d needed only to be reminded of what might have been to see what could be. It made her dizzy but yet, it made perfect sense. She laughed out loud and jumped to her feet, grabbed Nadia’s stroller and headed for the rest rooms.
“Hey, what are you doing? I thought we were having dinner?”
“Steve, I made a mistake. I thought Nadia needed her daddy.” And she did. It just wasn’t Steve. “Let’s face facts. You have no interest in this baby and you never did. Get a lawyer. Surrender your paternal rights and just…just go away. Just go and don’t call me again.”
She left him there with a buttered roll in one hand and a menu in the other and pushed the stroller to the bathrooms. She burst into the Men’s Room, found Reid with Nadia in his arms, a balled up diaper on the folding changing table. The baby had her head on his shoulder and his lips were pressed to her head as he gently swayed and sang Sweet Caroline to her. Kara walked in just as they’d gotten to the Bop bop bop part.
It would be that song. He always knew.
The door closed behind her and Reid spun around, stopped singing. Nadia didn’t budge and Kara knew if she tried to take her daughter out of those strong arms, Nadia would throw another tantrum that would put the previous one to shame.
He jerked his chin at the door. “You—”
A flick of her hand stopped whatever he was going to say. Kara wiped tears from her eyes and stepped closer. “Reid, you’re not perfect.”
His eyebrows shot up, but he kept quiet.
“I’m not perfect either and you helped me fix that. You gave me help when I needed it. You taught me how to be a good mother because you are such a good father.”
His lips trembled but she kept going.
“Forgive me. Please, Reid. Forgive me.”
His eyes still held that haunted look, the one that told her he still didn’t think he was good enough. She had to convince him. Had to make him see he was perfect.
“I’m in lo
ve with you and I sent you away because you weren’t perfect. You told me everything. Your faults, your mistakes and I sent you away when you were just scared. I really hope you can forgive me for that because—God.” Her voice broke and he stepped toward her, took her hand. “Because I have some questions to ask you.”
“Kara, I—”
She shook her head and went down to one knee, like he’d done in the park. “Reid Bennett, I love you. Will you marry me?”
His mouth fell open, and he tugged on her hand, but she kept going. “Wait, there’s more. Will you love my daughter? You always know what she needs and you’re not afraid to say no to her when she needs it. Will you be her father and give her your name?”
Reid’s tender glance at Nadia, all but asleep in his arms, told her his answer.
“It’s true. You aren’t perfect. But you’re perfect for me and I hope you’ll say yes.”
“Say yes, man. I really gotta go.”
Kara jerked around, found a guy in the doorway dressed in shirt sleeves and a loosened tie.
“Go ahead.” Reid told him and tugged Kara to her feet. “Jesus, Kara, it’s a men’s room. You know what kind of germs are in here?”
“I don’t care.” She wrapped her arms around him, vowing never to let go of him again.
“She’s got a tooth coming in.”
Tears filled her eyes. He always knew. “Yeah. I know. I gave her pain reliever. She hasn’t napped today and she didn’t eat much either.”
“Ah.” Reid nodded. “That explains the melt down.”
“Wanna get out of here?”
His eyes clouded. “What about what’s his face?”
“I told him to take a hike. I asked him to get a lawyer and surrender his paternal rights.”
He smiled down at her, tightened his hold. “Bold move.”
His Touch Page 15