by Gaby Dunn
3:44 PM EST
If you get a text from a 603 #, it’s Tom.
WHAT? Why?
You told me to give him your number.
I was joking. And delirious.
Oh, right! Still waiting on my full write-up.
Need a nap then will send.
Dope.
Tom digs your Insta.
You are a monster!
PARADISE LOST
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
So many things happened in the last 24 hours, I’m not sure where to start or end. I guess the biggest takeaway is that we finished! We got all the shots and all the scenes and all the lines. There was some dialogue that Sophia kept bumping on, so I played it super cool and told her to rewrite it “in her character’s voice.” (Don’t worry, I will retain sole writing credit.) Curtis and I worked great together. He brought his girlfriend, Darcy, as a PA and she was super helpful, although she spent most of yesterday talking to my parents. Ruth and Ken had a blast, by the way. My mom decided she would be in charge of crafty and made a series of inedible dips. My dad kept asking Curtis where to move the lights and offered a plethora of extension cords. It was maximum-level adorable. The shoot ended with a Helmer-sponsored pizza party. What a night to remember!
Professionally, I think I handled myself well. There were a few minor freak-outs (like when Emma spilled soda on her one outfit), but I tried to keep the anxiety on the inside! Curtis helped a lot because he is one of those people you could actually describe as “centered.” I hope to work exclusively with him for the remainder of my career. (He doesn’t know this yet. I am trying not to come on too strong.)
Personally, I was a COMPLETE MESS. Before the shoot, I decided to not engage. I would be civil but not friendly. Nice but aloof. In control, not spiraling. I assumed Jake would be the same. NOPE. Jake was a complete flirt. And not just to me. He spent the entire weekend leapfrogging between Sophia and me. I think he had his hand on someone’s back at all times. It was infuriating! At first I thought he was doing this to punish me in some way? But then I realized it wasn’t intentional. He just loves attention. And Sophia gave it to him. Even my mom laughed at all his dumb jokes! I wanted to vomit!
I can’t believe I ever liked him. I can’t believe I STILL like him. If only Curtis didn’t have a girlfriend and was physically attractive.
Maybe I will just be a recluse filmmaker who never marries but has her finger on the pulse of human emotion despite never experiencing anything other than third base.
“Life is suffering.”—Budd-va
P.S. Tom didn’t even text me. My life is pathetic.
Re: PARADISE LOST
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Not to minimize the bastardness that is chinatownjake98, but my big takeaway from this is your parents throwing a wrap pizza party. I can just see them at the Oscars in a few years, handing out gift bags with your face on it. At what point will they quit their jobs and start working for you full time?
I am so proud of you, sweet baby angel! I can’t wait to see a cut! What are you going to do with it? You should post it on YouTube! YouTube can change lives! You could go viral!
Try to forget about Jake. You officially don’t have to see or worry about him anymore. (Except in the editing room, but I’m sure he will look bad on screen due to his small head.)
“You made a movie!!”—Genevieve Goldman to Ava Helmer, 2017
P.S. I didn’t actually give Tom your phone number. I’m not a psycho.
P.P.S. Although I can if you want.
12:08 AM EST
Just had a thought.
Congratulations!
Funny.
Did your parents really not know about you and Jake the whole time?
Ha! Yeah, right!
They knew everything! That’s why I was especially mad at my mom for having no loyalty.
Everything???
Gross, no.
PG version.
Do you think you will ever keep anything from them ever?
I kept the fingering to myself!
Proud of you.
THE MAN
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
And by the man, I mean my editor, Kent. I went into the office to run my ideas for the security article past him, and he asked where Alex was. I shrugged. I am not his keeper. Kent then let out that disappointed-dad sigh, which I only recognized from the movies because my dad is too out of it to be disappointed. Kent then launched into a tirade about teamwork and subconscious sabotage?? He seems to think I am intentionally making enemies at the Beacon so I have someone to blame if I don’t make staff. (Don’t freak, I am still going to make staff.) He told me I should let my work speak for itself and not get bogged down in office politics. So I immediately asked, “What has Alex been saying?” And then he LAUGHED IN MY FACE. He thought this question proved my paranoia since Alex has said NOTHING about me. What a fucking power move.
I immediately switched gears and pledged my undying loyalty to the paper, the student body, and my country. He told me to stop being a smart-ass.
The meeting ended with him telling me to come back, WITH Alex, if I wanted to talk about the article.
Did I mention that I could see his chest hair the whole time? He really needs to get better-fitting clothes.
Re: THE MAN
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I don’t know how to respond to this without setting you off, so just imagine I am sitting next to you, nodding my support and gently touching your arm.
11:36 PM EST
What was that about?
Nothing …
When have I ever been set off?
Um …
Whenever a male or authority figure tells you what to do.
So you think Kent had a right to yell at me?
Did he yell? Or did he talk?
Like a patronizing little bitch voice is any better than a yell.
I don’t care about Kent. I’m just saying sometimes you overreact. I can’t say whether or not that happened here because I wasn’t there.
Right. You weren’t.
How long you gonna be mad about this?
TBD.
I’ll wait.
REMEMBER ME
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Hey, It’s Ava. Helmer. From all those years of being your best friend. I just wanted to reach out and say, hey! I think you are really great and here is a list of why I am really great too!
1) Super accessible for all of your friendship needs. Sparse social calendar and lots of free time mean I’m able to put you first.
2) Brutal honesty. Almost (definitely) compulsively honest. So honest you will never have to ask for my opinion because I offer it without thinking.
3) Cool parents who love to buy you T-shirts with funny sayings. Free pizza parties also included.
4) Terrible style. In no danger of me asking to borrow your clothes because I can’t pull them off. Nor would I want to.
5) Super needy, which makes you feel needed. Not ready for kids but want the responsibility of emotionally caring for a human being? Ava is the friend for you!
Hope you enjoyed your BFF refresher! I’ll be here, three hours behind, eagerly awaiting your response.
“What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.”—Ava-totle
Re: REMEMBER ME?
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
It’s been 3 HOURS! You’re obsessed with me.
LOVE AND BLOOD,
G
4:31 PM EST
Alex called me and wants to “talk.”
Do you think my editor ratted me out?
What do I get if I guess correctly?
What? Nothing.
Not worth the risk of being wrong.
I’m in it to win it.
You are not helping.
Just call him back.
I’ll text him.
MY FATHER, THE FAILURE
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
I don’t know what’s in the water (other than too much fluoride), but I just got another unexpected phone call. This time it was my father. He really needed to talk to me because he had record-breaking news: he is finally going to get sober!
I found this interesting because long-time fans and followers of the Goldman family might recall him saying something similar in 1999, 2004, summer of 2007, court-mandated winter of 2007, 2010, 2014, and last month. Although the most recent one was delivered in a boisterous, drunken fashion as some sort of sick joke?
You can imagine my skepticism at receiving this news, which set him off. How can I not believe in him? How will he have the strength to battle his disease without the support of those dearest to his heart?
Friends and followers, you might pause at this sort of “fruity” language. I certainly did. My father is more likely to shout out slightly racist slurs than messages of love. When I pointed this out, he sighed a breath full of wisdom and patience he doesn’t deserve. Apparently he is now a friend of Bill W. and living his life for a higher power. (Bill W. is a code word for AA, FYI. In case you didn’t grow up in a broken home.)
I asked him how long he’s been on this journey, and he replied, “Tomorrow is my anniversary. My one-week anniversary.”
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? CHECK IN AGAIN IN 1 YEAR. OR 3.
He’s trying to do 90 meetings in 90 days and he has this full-time sponsor, Breeze (given name Ralph). Breeze doesn’t think the meetings are enough, though, and is encouraging my father to meditate 2 hours a day, which should fit nicely into his schedule of doing nothing.
My mother hasn’t met Breeze yet, but she thinks he sounds like a wonderful influence. She is SO happy my father finally listened to her about AA. It’s not really a victory when it takes 20+ years, but literally no one is asking for my opinion.
I was pretty dismissive on the call (I guess they expected exuberance), and somehow I ended up getting a lecture about life from a guy who hasn’t been sober for any of it. Did you know that I need to open up my heart to the light and goodness of other people? Did you also know that my father once crashed his car into the giant menorah in front of our synagogue?
I’m really glad my dad is getting sober in time not to completely ruin Hope’s childhood. He said having a daughter finally made him realize he needs to be a better man. I AM YOUR DAUGHTER. I HAVE BEEN YOUR DAUGHTER FOR 18 YEARS.
They’re making me FaceTime Hope later so she doesn’t have the mental repercussions of being an only child??? Apparently that is a thing my mother has been actively reading about. My existence in their life is purely service based.
I finally hung up the phone after what seemed like an eternity but was actually only 7 minutes. That seems like the best way to sum up my entire life with them.
Looking forward to NOT accepting his 9th-step apology.
BTW. Alex just wanted to invite me to a party. What a PSYCHO.
Re: MY FATHER, THE FAILURE
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Wow. Mark Goldman, everyone. Even when you’re across the country, he somehow has to make your life about him. It would be commendable if it wasn’t so evil.
I don’t know how you handle them in a civilized fashion. I would have run away at 10. I did run away at 10 and my parents are wonderful.
I’m so sorry about all this bullshit. I guess we can only hope he falls off the wagon quickly so he’ll stop calling? Is that too dark? May the force be with him.
At least Hope is cute. Not as cute as you, but PRETTY cute. Maybe once you graduate, you can pretend she was a teen pregnancy and claim her as your own.
Are you going to Alex’s party? Might be an olive branch. Or an elaborate setup for your humiliation. I only said the last part so you couldn’t say it first.
10:36 PM EST
Currently at Alex’s party.
Charlotte is here.
WHAT?!
I thought Alex hated Charlotte?
???
Maybe she’s friends with his roommate?
How big is the party??
Small. 10 people.
Alex is being weird.
How?
Friendly. He must be drunk.
Be nice!
WHY
What are you doing?
Going to Jake’s.
WHAT
WHY
Unclear.
Don’t go!
It’s too late. We just made eye contact!
I’m going in!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
12:13 AM EST
What happened??
Did he kill you??
JAKE, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, I AM COMING FOR YOU.
I HAVE A PARTICULAR SET OF SKILLS.
11:57 AM PST
Alive and happy!
All good things.
NOW I AM VERY SUSPICIOUS!
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN TWIST
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
In an epic turn of events, Jake is now my boyfriend. How is that for a headline?
Yep. I have a boyfriend. An actual boyfriend and not an elaborate setup organized by a frenemy at summer camp.
How did this happen? I have no idea. If you told me you had wired Jake money to commit to me, I would believe you.
Things were confusing on the shoot, as previously mentioned. Since then he’s sent like one “check in about the footage” text, and I barely responded. Then last night he CALLED me and asked me to come over to “talk.”
I assumed this was a thinly veiled booty call but was lonely so agreed. When I got there, he sat me down, very serious, and took my hands. He thanked me for giving him space and being patient. The time and perspective let him realize that what we have is special and he wants to give this (us) a real shot.
WHAT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I searched the room for cameras, wondering if this was a prank video since his roommate is a big deal on social media. I couldn’t find any, so I had to assume he was being sincere.
The last time a boy told me he liked me to my face I was 15 and the boy was 12. (Brad Karp. My weird neighbor who has recently become mega-cute.) I said “ew” and ran away.
If we are being completely honest, I sort of wanted to respond the same way. I’ve been obsessed with Jake since we met, but the moment he opened up and seemed sincere, something inside of me clenched. And not in a good way. Why would someone want to date me? He must be a big-time loser.
I KNOW. I’m the best. Everyone is perfect. Love is love.
Flip side. I’m a mentally unstable flatty who can’t wear real pants because they hurt my stomach. What would a genuinely cool guy want with me?
Luckily, Jake didn’t even wait for a response and instead started kissing me. I guess he assumed I was in shock from happiness? I’m glad that shock is hard to decipher.
Things escalated quickly from there. I think within three minutes he was reaching for a condom. I told him to stop.
SPOILER: I’m pregnant.
JUST KIDDING! I told him I wanted our first time to be special, and I wasn’t clean enough. Yep. That was both an excuse and a real fear. I don’t like anyone to touch my legs if I haven’t shaved
in the last two hours. OCD or Jewish genes? Your guess is as good as mine.
He said he understood. His room isn’t the most romantic spot on Greek Row. (I wonder what is.) He then asked for a blow job …
I’ll save you the disgusting heteronormative details, but I think I did OK. I didn’t get lockjaw or throw up, so that was a victory. He asked me to sleep over, but I was in the middle of a mild anxiety attack and said I couldn’t. He kissed me good-bye and fell asleep before I left. (It was only 9:30. Maybe we have more in common than I thought.)
So. I have a boyfriend? Let me know if I seem different.
Re: M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN TWIST
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
HOLY SHIT! You had a dick in your mouth! That is so gross. I am never talking to you again.
Re: M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN TWIST
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Hahahahahahahaahh
8:31 PM EST
Are people treating you differently now that you’re in a boring monogamous relationship?
Yes. I no longer have to pay for anything because people pity me too much.
4 real, though. You happy?
I think so!
Nervous about .
U don’t have to do it if ur nervous.
Yes I do! He’s my boyfriend.
Who cares?
Probably him.
Eh. Let him not get what he wants for once in his privileged white life.
He’s a quarter Spanish.
BRITNEY SPEARS 2007
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Just met up with Alex to finalize the article and it was like walking into a blizzard. That dude was COLD.