by Gaby Dunn
9:13 PM EST
Here! Do you want me to wait in the lobby?
No, go up!
I’ll be there soon.
Room 302.
That’s the best one!
11:15 PM EST
Where are you?? This party is crazy.
By the front.
I’m by the front! Falling asleep because of the Duck Tour.
Gen! Answer your phone!
I see you.
11:42 PM EST
I made it back to the room.
Do you have your key?
Yeah, yeah.
I’ll be back soon.
2:37 AM EST
Why are you not back yet???
OMW.
3:15 AM EST
Be there soon.
8:51 AM EST
Went to get coffee. Let me know if you want anything.
7:14 PM EST
On the plane.
If you care.
I’m not the one who left.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I’m sitting in my room at home, hysterically crying, not fully comprehending how I got here. 24 hours ago we were best friends in Boston, and now I don’t know if we’re friends at all?
To be clear, I want to remain friends. Not just friends but best friends until we die living side by side in a gated community.
BUT I can’t reconcile the Gen I know and love with the Gen I just saw. For starters, after not seeing you for months, we finally had less than 3 days together. You chose to spend one of those days sleeping off a hangover. Why did you have such a terrible hangover? You tell me. Seems like a really weird time to get super wasted when you know I don’t like to drink.
Also seems weird to abandon a girl with anxiety problems in a new city so you could hook up with the one person everyone hates. I don’t understand why we even went to a party where Charlotte might be. And I REALLY don’t understand the hold she has over you. This whole time I thought maybe I wasn’t getting a clear picture of who this woman was since it was all secondhand. Maybe she really is captivating and deserving of your affection, despite her misguided transphobia. NOPE! She was WORSE than I could have imagined! Every word out of her mouth dripped with condescension and half the things she said couldn’t have possibly been true. (No one has ever survived on just air.)
Also, what was she wearing?? Just a bunch of scarfs pretending to be clothes?? It was 40 degrees out! Unbelievable.
Honestly, if you had just apologized on Saturday I would have forgiven you. Maybe not right away, or without a few snarky remarks about barely surviving the walk back to the hotel alone, but I wouldn’t have left early.
Drunk Gen is not my Gen, and I get that.
But what I can’t forgive (at least not without a lengthy apology) is your behavior that next morning. You used every insecurity I’ve ever shared with you against me. I’m not “not fun” because I think it’s wrong for you to hook up with the ONLY person the guy you are supposedly in love with disapproves of. To suggest that you were self-sabotaging isn’t absurd. It was pathetically obvious. I thought we were close enough to be honest with each other, but it seems like all you want recently is a yes-woman and it’s not in my nature to do that. (I literally can’t do that. It’s impossible for me to lie. Especially to you.)
I have no idea how the fight escalated so quickly and I have no idea if you meant all the things that you said. I certainly hope you don’t believe we’re fundamentally different now because you’re queer and I’m straight. That’s an insane thing to say and unbelievably hurtful. Think of if the roles were reversed and I said that to you. I would be burned at the stake.
My parents keep asking me questions about what happened, but I don’t want to tell them. I don’t want their view of you and our friendship to be tarnished. I don’t want MY view of you and our friendship to be tarnished.
I’m sorry for whatever role I played in this breakdown, but I didn’t say or do anything other than what I thought would be best for you. Because I love you, and you’re my best friend.
AVA
Re: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
I didn’t mean that we were different because of our sexualities. I just meant that we are different. People grow apart. No one marries their high school sweetheart anymore. Why wouldn’t the same be true for friends?
Glad you got home safe.
Re: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
That wasn’t exactly the apology I was hoping for. I’m not even sure if that counts as an apology. Seems more like a technical clarification?
Please apologize soon so we can make up and I can tell you about how Kent, your former editor, flirted with me at the party. You were right. His shirts are too small. Possibly washing delicates in hot water.
8:12 PM PST
No follow-up on Kent??? Really?
We kissed while you were with Charlotte!
Naked!
OK. None of that was true, but he did friend me on FB.
I get it. You don’t want to talk until you’ve written a beautiful apology that I will print out and frame.
I look forward to reading it.
1:32 AM EST
Hey. I’m sorry I haven’t written back, but I don’t really have anything left to say. Ur still my friend and I care about u, but this is too much right now. It’s taken me a long time to figure out who I am and what I want, and I really don’t need someone who is supposed to be on my team sitting on the side judging. I’m 18, for fuck’s sake. Not everything is so dire. It’s just too much to handle my life and your emotions/expectations. I need to focus on school and writing. U should get that. Maybe we can FaceTime or something when the semester is over? I’m planning to stay here over break to apply for internships. This isn’t a big deal. I just need some space.
7:52 AM PST
Seriously?? You need space? Who says that in real life?
Gen. I think we are blowing this whole thing out of proportion.
Can we just forget the trip?
You hurt me more than I hurt you, and I’m willing to do that! Why can’t you??
11:14 AM PST
Cool.
REGARDING MY LACK OF FUN
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Hello,
I have decided to disregard your request for space because I think it will be detrimental in the long term. I have seen you push away your family and I will not let you do the same to me (even though I honestly support that; they are crazy).
You probably think I am crazy too, but that’s fine. My goal here is not to convince you that I am a super-chill, normal person but to remind you of the unchill, unusual person you have come to know and love.
For starters, I am not unfun (as you suggested more than once over the course of short 54 hours we spent together). I am just not traditionally shot-glass-on-my-stomach fun. But let me tell you something: staying up until 3 AM getting wasted is all well and good in college, but will any of these kids be a good time once we hit 30? Or 40? I know how to occupy all 16 waking hours of the day sober! And that is no easy feat. Games? Love them. TV marathons? The best. Witty banter for days? I’m your girl. I’m also always down for a super-fun pool day (I do have to specify pool over beach due to aversion to sand).
I’m not hip or trendy, but I like to believe I have a timeless quality. Like, mentally, I could be 18 or 63. (Oh, man, am I going to flourish at 63. It’s gonna be the new 50.)
And now for a trip down memory lane because I’m not above using mani
pulative nostalgia to save this friendship.
The year, 2014. Our age, 14. The style, bad. It was the third day of freshman year and everyone was still trying to navigate what it meant to be at a charter school. Some kids knew each other before. Others were able to rebuild themselves from the shoes up. I was clinging to a lukewarm middle school friendship that was on the verge of going sour. You were already the coolest person in the class. Maybe not in popularity, but objectively.
We’d already talked once (the sweater incident), but I never thought you’d remember. You wore Doc Martens and purple hair. I wore my insecurity on a button-up. It wasn’t meant to be.
But then the unthinkable happened. I made you laugh. I can’t remember the exact joke, which is surprising given my tendency to endlessly quote myself, but I know we were in English class and I know it had something to do with Voltaire. The next day you sat next to me ON PURPOSE, and I wrote you my first of many notes. I still think of that as the bravest thing I have ever done, especially considering how atrocious my handwriting is. You wrote back using terms I didn’t fully understand yet, and a classroom friendship was born.
From there it took a few weeks for our relationship to blossom outside school. The first time you came over to my house, I told my parents to play it cool, but before dinner was even over my dad was making nickels disappear and picking your card from the stack. I was mortified. You seemed genuinely amused.
You came over more. I offered to go to your place. You declined. I tried not to be too clingy. You hung out with Cheyanne Metzner for two weeks and I cried at night. Cheyanne Metzner turned out to be a Scientologist. We were reunited. By Thanksgiving everyone knew to ask me where you were because we were so inseparable. I started jokingly referring to myself as your secretary. We got in our first fight. We got over it.
I eventually go over to your house when your parents are supposed to be at work. But your dad is home and drunk so we leave. I feel terrible and ill equipped to handle any problem that doesn’t originate in my chemically unbalanced brain. You laugh it off but cry later.
We spend the next four years attached at the hip. No one understands it other than us (and maybe my parents). We are best friends. So close that it doesn’t even matter that you’re going to school on the East Coast and I’m staying in LA. Weaker bonds wouldn’t survive that, but we’re not weak. We make a pact to write to each other every day (i.e., I make a pact and force you to sign it). We separate. You call a Lyft to take you to the airport. I yell at you for that. We remain closer than ever, even when you come out as queer in a very casual way.
Sure, there are ups and downs, but there have always been ups and downs. We once didn’t speak for a week because I implied you might have a drinking problem because you drank. At all. Another time, I called you crying for not calling me first. (Writing this out, I can see why I might be a lot to handle.)
But none of that mattered because we were committed to each other. Everyone always talks about the effort you have to put into a romantic relationship or a marriage, but why would a friendship be any different? You are always going to be more important to me than some random boy I marry. (At least until the silver wedding anniversary.)
I know that everything is in flux right now. You’ve moved. You’ve come out. You’ve started and quit your dream job. Your dad is pretending to be sober. I know you hate it when I try to “therapize” you, but I think you might be in some sort of spiral and taking it out on me. (I forgot to mention you also got dumped! I forgot because you never get dumped!)
I’m not even asking you to apologize anymore. I’m just asking you to step back, look at the length and depth of our relationship, and ask yourself if you really want to throw it away because I don’t like your TA.
“Life is too short for long-term grudges.”—Ava
P.S. Elon Musk actually said that but he invented independent space travel, so we should listen to him.
Re: REGARDING MY LACK OF FUN
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
The joke wasn’t about Voltaire. It was about Camus.
Re: REGARDING MY LACK OF FUN
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Oh, shit! You’re right! Please do not disregard my entire argument due to one factual mistake.
2:42 PM PST
I just saw Kristen Stewart!
She was with her GF! They look happy!
Text me back within the next 30 minutes and I’ll send you a blurry photo as proof!
3:11 PM PST
One minute remaining before you lose your chance at an exclusive photo!
3:13 PM PST
OK. I’ll sell it to Star instead.
I’M ON TO YOU
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
I’ve got to give you props. At first I was very confused and deeply hurt. How could my best friend in the ENTIRE WORLD be ignoring me? The world is a terrible place, but not THAT terrible. At least in America.*
But then, while out past my bedtime last night, I realized something. You aren’t actually mad at me! You are just conditioning me to do better on my own! I’ve been too dependent on you even though you’re thousands of miles away. I know I don’t have to go out and meet people because I’ll always have you to talk to. But now I don’t have you to talk to and I need to talk! (Seriously, it feels like I have a word quota and if I don’t meet it every day, words spill out of me at the cash register, which holds up the line and causes a lot of eye rolling. From the cashier.)
By 3 PM yesterday I was completely stir-crazy. I thought about going home for the weekend, but that seemed like admitting defeat. (Also, my parents had plans.)
So I called Curtis. (I know you’re a fan.) I acted casual, as though it was completely normal for me to call him up and ask what he was doing on a Friday night. He was too polite to call me on anything and seamlessly invited me to a film school party. I went, completely prepared to have a terrible time.
Instead, I stayed out until 12:30 talking and laughing with people who were drunk but not so drunk they were wearing costumes or grinding to EDM. If the playlist had been ’90s music it would have been the perfect party. Sophia was there, but I took the high road and smiled before ignoring her. Curtis introduced me to a bunch of his friends, and I spent a lot of the time with his girlfriend, Darcy, who PA’d my shoot and happens to be bisexual.
I had such a great time that for at least an hour I forgot that I couldn’t tell you. Or that I could tell you but you might not respond.
And that’s when your master plan hit me. You were only going to ignore me until I didn’t need you anymore and instead just wanted you. (Yes, this language normally applies to romantic relationships, but what we have is equally important.)
Anyway, I’m here to tell you that your plan worked. I don’t need you anymore. I simply want you back in my life. Not to judge. Not to lecture. Just to love.
Well played.
Ava
*The 1% in America. (See! I learn from you!)
Re: I’M ON TO YOU
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Really??? No response? Maybe there is some part of your master plan I haven’t cracked yet. If you’re waiting for me to cut my hair or something, I might need a hint.
XO
8:57 PM PST
Darcy just taught me how to ride a hoverboard!
I only fell twice and am barely bleeding!
Text now for a hot pic!
9:14 PM PST
You called my bluff.
The photo wasn’t that hot.
TO UPDATE ON YOUR LIFE
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
So it’s been a few weeks now and it feels too weird to not know what you’re d
oing so I have decided to make it up!
Overall you’ve been pretty busy studying for finals. (I assume this is the main reason you haven’t had time to respond to all of my delightful communications.) You’re getting ready to ace your Planet Earth test, and almost all of your papers are near completion. Your hair is a bit longer than normal, but it’s working for you.
Jazmin is sad to leave for break, but you guys are going to throw one heck of a holiday bash before she heads out. (It turns out that Jazmin loves Christmas, which is surprising but oddly enjoyable.)
Alex has been playing hard to get, but you’ve taken a page out of my book and are refusing to take no for an answer. He’s going to miss you over New Years, and then the two of you will reunite in some open form of relationship next semester. It’s going to be beautiful and magical, and I promise to instantly like any photo you post on Instagram.
Familywise, your parents are giving you a hard time for not coming home, but not enough of a hard time to buy a ticket for you or come to visit. Your dad is still sober but annoying, although you’ve had a few private moments with your mom that haven’t been completely intolerable. Hope looks adorable over FaceTime playing dreidel. It would have been wholesome if someone didn’t know the backstory.
Finally, you miss me. You think about me constantly and wonder what you could possibly say after all this time. Do you need to apologize? Do you need to yell? I just want to let you know I would be happy with a “Hey.” Just give me a “Hey,” and I’ll take it from there.
A
P.S. Can’t wait for us to make up so I can see how much of this I got right.
4:17 PM PST
Just got home for break.
My parents want to go get ice cream in December.
You must miss LA a little, right?
9:23 AM PST