by D. Duquette
To everyone in the office, well, they would tell you I was happy. Some of them even nicknamed me Smiles. Everyone had a nickname, it was kind of fun. I should have been called Fake Smiles or something more appropriate. Maybe Scorned would work just fine.
My new income just covered all the expenses for my one-bedroom apartment. It wasn’t anything extravagant either, but it wasn’t awful. I just made friends with the girls next door, thank God, because I was lonely as hell.
I had come a long way in such a short period of time though. At first, I felt completely lost without my car. I walked everywhere or used the subway. I was all sorts of confused with inbound and outbound, but now I’m a pro, never even giving it a second thought.
Every other Friday the office went across the street to the bar to have a drink. The longer I went without alcohol, the more I no longer wanted it. I hadn’t touched a drop since I moved here, but I went with my co-workers the past couple of times and drank a lemonade. Sure, they asked me why I didn’t drink alcohol and I would tell them I spent my later years a witness to two drunk parents on a nightly basis. My reasoning went a little deeper than that though. I knew very well I used alcohol to numb the pain, to fill the void of loneliness or to feel something I was never going to feel; loved.
Maybe if I drank, it would make all the awful feelings inside my heart go away. It never did work and so I was left to work through the thoughts in my head. I had some good days and some bad. Some days I blasted fight songs and danced around my apartment in my underwear. Other days, I curled up in bed because I missed Corey so much. I swear this time I was ripped to my core.
The entire time since we parted ways in high school, I wanted to feel like he cared about me. I truly thought I had come close this summer. It was like I had the rug swept out from underneath my feet with his words. Oh those words. They still haunted me. It was on those nights I cried, his words would echo so loudly in my ears. Those last words I said to him, they ate away at my soul.
It was wintertime now; my parents had lost their house. They were foreclosed on and when they were forced to move out, my mother went to live with my sister and my father found a basement to rent through Craigslist.
I worried about both of them, but they weren’t my problem. They made their beds and now they both have to sleep in them. I shook my head at all their awful mistakes and vowed to myself I would never be like them. If I had children, I would swallow them up in hugs and kisses and always make them feel loved. Forget lavish vacations, credit cards and television. It was family that mattered the most. It was having someone warm to cuddle up to on a cold winter night.
They had made such little effort to invest in one another over the last ten years and look where that got them, nowhere.
My dad called me late one evening. I was home staring at the contents in my refrigerator wondering what to eat.
“Dad, everything okay?”
“No or I wouldn’t be calling you.”
“True. Hi, Dad.”
“Hi, Caroline. Listen, can you get in touch with that Corey kid next door? It’s about his mother’s house. I can’t seem to reach her and the alarm company keeps calling me.”
“Well why? Did you go down there?”
“Looks to me like someone tried to break in the front door. They realized the house was alarmed and bailed.”
“Oh my! Well, Corey should be there.”
“He wasn’t when I went.”
“Okay. Well did you fix the door?”
“No, the alarm company reset it and I closed the door, but every time the goddamn wind blows, it’s opening and setting off the alarm again.”
“Just go fix the thing, Dad. I have the code, it’s 4321.”
“Honey, I don’t have the money to replace someone else’s lock. I’m living in a basement and I’m almost sixty for crying out loud.”
“I’ll buy it then. I have the money and I don’t mind. Can I meet you at their house Saturday at ten o’clock?”
I heard him sigh over the phone, probably because he would be missing some television show.
“Please? I’ll take you to lunch after.”
“Fine. See you then and don’t make me wait.”
“I wouldn’t dare. Bye, Dad.”
“Love you, honey.”
“Love you, too.” I hung up not knowing when the last time he told me he loved me. He must be feeling emotional since the divorce from my mother.
When Saturday rolled around, I got up extra early to make sure I was at Corey’s house on time. I had bought a lock at a tiny hole in the wall hardware store around the corner that was fifty bucks. Why are locks so expensive? I guess it doesn’t matter, compared to everything it would help protect inside the actual house.
I poured two cups of coffee; one for me and one for the homeless guy who sat outside the convenience store on my way to work. I wasn’t going that way today, but it was cold and I knew he would be there. I promised myself before I moved here that I wouldn’t make any eye contact with the bums, but this guy’s sign caught my eye one day. He wasn’t asking for money. He was a veteran just asking for food.
I didn’t ask him too many questions, but I learned his name was Earl. He had a prosthetic leg just like Corey, so in some ways this total stranger touched a close place in my heart. Sometimes I thought about taking him home, just letting him have a shave and a shower, but I didn’t know him. It was hard to see him sitting there on the cold concrete every morning, but I did what I could with a hot coffee every morning and sometimes even breakfast.
“Earl, I’m not going this way, but I thought I’d still drop off this hot coffee.”
“You’re an angel, you know that?”
“My devil horns are just hiding underneath my hat, Earl, but thank you.”
“Listen to you, you have a good heart, sweet girl. It’s a shame you don’t see that. Whatever it is, close that door…it’s in the past.”
“Thanks Earl,” I said, turning to leave. It’s funny how a complete stranger can build me up and make me feel more loved than my own family.
I took the subway to South Station and then the commuter rail to Plymouth. I called a taxi company to bring me to Corey’s house. I had him drop me off at the beginning of the driveway so I could walk down. After paying the tab, I knew I was having my dad drive me back to the commuter rail. Sometimes being independent was expensive.
I peered through the woods at my old house. It looked the same, just without any vehicles in the driveway. I wondered how long it would be before a different family would be in there and new memories would be created. It was a beautiful property, anyone would be fortunate to own it. I felt very bittersweet emotions as I continued to stare. Those four walls held a lot of good and bad memories for me.
I had some time before my father got to the house, so I decided to stop by the woodshop. Part of me was hoping to walk down the hill and see Corey’s truck, but there was no such luck. I reached for the doorknob and it opened. Wow, this place was beautiful. The walls were painted and light switches and outlets lined the exterior walls now. There was a kitchenette. I stepped in and looked around, peaking into the bathroom and turning on the light. I was amazed. There was a stand-up shower, new toilet and new sink. It wasn’t fancy or over the top, but it was perfect.
The staircase had been replaced with an added handrail on either side. I slowly walked up the stairs and it was so quiet I could hear each one of my footsteps. When I got to the top, I sat on the stairs and took it all in. Corey had completely finished the top floor as well and left it open to one big space. The two beds had been moved up here. He saved the beds.
I ran down the stairs and to the window. The dumpster that had been parked outside the door all summer was now gone. I looked for the bottles and the canvas print, all gone. He was gone. He had taken all his handmade furniture with him too. I didn’t know how to feel. I was happy that he took our memories with him, but upset I had no idea where he went.
I walked to th
e house and there was no sign of him there either. Where the hell did he go? The first door was open. I ran my fingers over the broken lock. I hit the code into the alarm panel and used the key Corey had given me to open the door. The picture I had left for him was gone too. Maybe he did care about me more than he let on.
I heard commotion from behind me and turned to see my dad.
“Jeez, Dad, you scared me.”
“I do that to a lot of women.” I chuckled at his sense of humor. He always had a great one.
“So, you had a key, huh?”
“Oh yeah, Corey gave it to me a while ago and I forgot to give it back. Here’s the lock.”
“Great. Thanks, honey. This shouldn’t take long at all.”
“Okay. I’ll help if I can.”
I glanced around the house once more, wondering if this was the last time I would ever be here. A small envelope on the counter caught my eye. I casually walked over to it. A ball instantly formed in the pit of my stomach when I read Caroline written across it. My first instinct was to leave it there and pretend I never saw it, but my curiosity got the better of me.
“Dad, I’m just going to use the bathroom while I wait.”
“Okay. I shouldn’t be much longer now.”
“Take your time,” I said, walking downstairs and practically running for the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and frantically retrieved the envelope from my pocket. I ripped it open.
Dear Caroline,
If you’re reading this, then my intuition was right.
Cocky bastard…
I’m writing because there is something I want you to know. On my fifth birthday, I unwrapped a jar of fluff from my mother. Do you remember? I do. I thought it was the best present I was ever given. Then when I was ten, Santa gave me that Dynasty bike. I tried to ride it through six inches of snow Christmas morning. I thought it was the greatest gift.
It wasn’t until I returned home from visiting Liz in California that I laid eyes on the most precious gift anyone has ever given me. I must have looked at that canvas a thousand times since I first saw it. I took it off the wall, flipping it over to see how it was constructed and stared at the man I hope to someday be. I could never put into words how special it is. Thank you. I will take it with me wherever I go.
I hope that you have since found your niche in life. You deserve all the happiness this world holds. I cherished every moment we spent together this summer.
Corey
I looked at myself in the mirror, knowing I fought incredibly hard to change these feelings that now I’m realizing have remained the same. I grabbed some toilet paper, catching the tears before they fell and ruined my makeup. I took a deep breath and went back upstairs to check on my father.
“You think you can call Corey and see if he can get in touch with his mother to have my name taken off that alarm? It was no problem when I lived next door, but now it’s just a pain in my ass.”
“I don’t have his number.”
“You have a key and a code, but no number?”
“I never needed it. He was always a few steps away.”
“You two. I had a friendship like yours growing up until I met your mother. She didn’t much care for him.”
“Why don’t you try finding the guy again?” I asked.
“He died years ago.”
“Wow, from what?”
“I don’t know. He was a heavy drinker though. He was a wild one, always getting us into trouble. I still miss him.”
Wow. Would I still be missing Corey at my dad’s age? I hope not.
“Dad, you think I could have Corey’s mom’s number? It looks like Corey moved and I just want to make sure he’s okay.”
“Well, she won’t return my call so I doubt she’ll pick up for you. Besides, I really don’t like giving out other people’s numbers without permission.”
“Remember all those soccer games you missed when I was a kid?”
“Yeah.”
“And prom? You promised to be there and you were the only dad that wasn’t.”
“Oh sweetie, I was working.”
“I know. Remember that time you told me I was a nobody, just like everybody else?”
“I was angry with you that day.”
“I know. I’m willing to erase all that from my memory if you just give me her phone number.”
“Well, if it means that much to you. Can I ask why?”
“I love Corey, Dad. Not like friendship love, I think it’s love love.”
“Honey, love is an all sorts of messed up emotion. It will make you say and do things you never thought you would. Your mother, she could never understand me and look at us now, after all those years together. But if you asked me right now if I loved her, I’d tell you I do, with all my heart.”
“I don’t get it. Why aren’t you two together then?”
“They say you don’t know a lover until you let them go. Well, isn’t that the truth. Your mother, I think she’s got some mental health issues though.”
“I think she drank too much. You both did! She wanted you to be someone you were never going to be. You watch television more than anyone I have ever met and she just wanted some attention.”
“I’m tired, sweetie. My feet ache all the time after standing on them at work all day. I just want to come home and relax. She never understood that. I always worked two or three jobs for you kids. I love my family.”
“I know, Dad. I know,” I said, after I saw my words had made him visibly upset.
I took my dad to lunch after changing out the lock was a success. It was so nice to have some one on one time with him. After lunch, we stopped by the beach to watch the waves. He took my siblings and me to the beach almost every weekend, even in the winter. He dropped me off and I gave him a hug. I did love him, but like my mother, I wanted more from him.
“Don’t be a stranger to your old man.”
“I love you, Dad,” I said, thinking about how strange that sounded the moment the words left my lips.
“Love you too, my baby girl. I’m proud of you.”
Really? Wow.
“Thanks.”
I headed back into Boston, calling Corey’s mom and leaving a message when she didn’t pick up. I knew this was going to be a dead end and needed to come up with a Plan B. I searched his sister on the web, but I didn’t know her married name, just that she lived in California. It was another dead end.
I spent all week trying to come up with a plan when it finally dawned on me; I was friends with his cousin on Facebook. We went to high school together. She was a year older than me. I hadn’t talked to her in years. She played on the varsity soccer team while I was on the junior varsity, so we would see each other on the bus during away games. Other than that, this idea was a stretch.
I messaged her when I returned home from work that evening.
Nicole,
My mother came across some of Liz’s stuff from when she was a kid and would like to get in touch with her to send it. Do you know her phone number or address?
She replied a few minutes later.
Caroline,
I’m sorry, but I don’t have either. I just asked my mom. She said her married name is Coleman and she thinks she lives in California. Good luck. Hope all is well.
I wrote back, Thanks, Nicole.
I typed Elizabeth Coleman, California into the search engine and found a list of names. Some of them had ages next to the name so I was able to rule some out. I was left with four phone numbers to call.
I got no answer on the first number. The second one had no idea about a brother named Corey.
“Hello?”
“Hi, I’m looking for a Liz. She has a brother named Corey.”
“Oh no, is he okay?” I heard her panic and I recognized her voice.
“Liz, it’s me, Caroline.”
“Is Corey okay?”
“That’s what I’m trying to find out. I went to your old house
…”
“He moved.”
“To where?”
“Why don’t you try calling him?”
“I don’t have his number. I’m just looking for his address. Do you have it or not?”
“I do.”
“But you aren’t going to give it to me, are you?”
“He came to visit me and said the night before you went bat shit crazy on him and tried to gouge his eyes out.”
“Oh, what a baby! We were just wrestling like old times. You know I would never do anything to hurt him.”
“I would hope not, but it’s been so long. Honestly, I don’t even know you anymore.”
“Liz, it’s me we’re talking about. I was your brother’s best friend.”
“I don’t know. If he didn’t leave you a number or address, it was for a reason.”
“I’m in love with your brother, Liz. Okay? In fact, I think I’m crazy about him. At first, I didn’t see it. I didn’t even know if I wanted his friendship, but we got into a fight and I left and I’m so miserable without him. Please don’t make me beg, Liz.”
“The same Caroline who threw spiders at me when we were kids…”
“Liz, I hate spiders. I would never do that now, I promise.”
“If you make me regret this…”
“I won’t, I won’t. I promise.”
She rambled off his address.
“Oh, and Liz, please don’t tell him about this phone call. Thank you so much.”
“Okay. Goodbye and good luck.”
“Bye.”
CHAPTER EIGHT
Caroline
You know those things in life you understand you have to do, but really don’t want to? After it’s done you feel relieved knowing you won’t have to do it again for a while. That’s what I was set out to do today. I can’t believe I’m comparing a visit with my mother to jury duty.
I rang the doorbell.
“Wow, Caroline! You look so different, I hardly recognized you,” my sister, Luna, said. She was tall and skinny, with blonde hair and blue eyes. I couldn’t even tell you what her natural hair color was, I haven’t seen it in years, along with her real eyelashes. She was nothing like me.