Her words hung in the air like the smoke and obscured Spence's memories. What happened to make her bitter like this? What the hell had happened? A sudden yearning came over Spence as he watched her angry face...that heart-shaped face he loved back then. It hit him like a bolt. He still cared for her. He still loved her. It was as simple as that.
Big Jake took a long gulp of his beer and thumped the glass on the table. Pointing a finger at her, he said, "You leave Willie out of this. And there's town folk in here. You watch your mouth."
She laughed, but there was no humor in it. "It's no secret, Dad."
"So Big Jake," Spence interrupted, "wake is Sunday, right?" He had to stop this somehow. They reminded him of dogs in attack mode.
After giving his finger one last shake at Meg, Big Jake turned to Spence. "Yeah. Lila or no Lila, we'll have it. Chad said to tear the roof down with music after he died. Got some young kids with speakers. Big ones." He hesitated. "Only one problem, son."
Spence raised his eyebrows, and took another sip of tequila.
"The music Chad said in his will he most likely wanted played," he continued, "is in the basement of your old house. Can't find it. Went down there this morning. You know, the Simmons never got around to renovating the basement over there."
Spence felt a lump in his throat, and he swallowed hard. He'd been in the house several times since the murders, but he'd hoped never to go there again. Scenes flashed in his mind from that night, and he quickly buried them. He'd have to think about it later.
Big Jake studied him. "Boy, if it's too much, I'll just hunt around there for the titles and I'll get the goddamn records myself. No sense reliving it."
"Nah," Spence replied, "it's okay."
"I mean it, son."
"Oh, for God's sake," Meg said loudly, "it's been years! Let it go!"
Conversation in the bar stopped, all heads turned in her direction, and she was the center of attention.
Fury showed in Big Jake's face, as he said in a low tone, "Get out. Go home. We don't want you here, missy—"
"Jake, no." Spence interrupted.
But, it was too late. Meg was up and out the door faster than Spence had ever seen her move.
"I'll get her," Spence said.
"No hurry," Big Jake muttered under his breath "she's a loose cannon anyway."
Outside, Spence caught up with Meg at her car. He grabbed her arm, "Meg, wait—"
"YOU wait," she yelled, struggling to get free from his grasp. "Why did you come back here? Stirring things up, reminding us of a murder from twenty years ago. Jesus!"
He said quietly, "Yeah, but that wasn't my fault, now was it? Your dad asked me to come here." He felt her shaking then her whole body trembled.
Impulsively, he drew her into his arms. She didn't resist, and, when he stroked her hair, he heard her sobbing. They stayed that way for a few minutes until the sobs subsided. It felt so good to hold her again. She was so small and helpless in his arms. The soft, rounded curves of her body fit into his perfectly.
His mind wandered back to their first time, the awkward first sex, the whispers in the night, then the almost violent coupling. She'd lain in his arms and talked about mundane things until he'd put a finger to her lips. He'd wrapped his hands in her hair, pulled her to him, and entered her a second then a third time, over and over until they were both satiated.
She drew back from him now and wiped her eyes. "Sorry. I miss Chad so bad, Spence. It's bringing up everything again...a heavy feeling in my soul. Like nothing's going to be right ever."
Spence nodded, trying to bring his mind back to the present. "You've changed," he said softly, as he watched her in the dim light. "I think that's the first time I've ever seen you cry. Chad and I used to tease the hell out of you and you never cried. Even when you broke your leg falling out of that tree, not a drop."
She smiled and looked up at him. "Daddy Jake didn't tell you, then?"
Flashing neon lights from the bar sign reflected off her hair, turning the shiny curls pink, then blonde again. "He told me you had a son. Fine boy, he said. That's it."
She laughed and kicked the dust. "Leave it to Big Jake to leave out the sordid details. He probably wouldn't have told you anything about Willie either, except we can't hide him."
"So," he grinned, "what are you hiding?" But, when she looked up at him, his grin faded quickly when he saw the look on her face.
"I had a breakdown," she began slowly, "a few years ago. I don't know why. Anyway, the depression came and wouldn't go away. It got so bad, I thought I could see people following me around all day. Thought they were out to get me or something. I was over in Rushburg for a month in a private hospital."
Looking off into the distance, she continued, "I still hear voices. Before I fall asleep. Kind of garbled. Hard to understand them. Lila...my mom and Maria say they're angels. But it's the dreams I can't handle."
A sudden gust of hot wind blew dust around them, and Spence was silent as he assimilated her news. Leaning against the car, he grabbed her hand and held it with both of his. "Tell me about the dreams."
Her eyes glistened with tears as she looked up at him. "I don't think so."
"Hey, after the things we've been through? Come on, spill it."
Hesitating for a few seconds she began slowly, "I've had them on and off. But then they started a few days ago, really bad. I'm being smothered or attacked." She paused and he could tell she wanted to say something else.
"Go on," he said gently.
She took a deep breath, and her face screwed up in agony, "Sometimes your parents," now tears ran down her face, "your parents are there, covered in blood."
He drew her into his arms. Her face was against his shirt, and her voice muffled now. "They tell me, Spence, tell me things. They know who killed them."
She pulled back, looked up at him, and her whole body trembled, as she whispered, "They say...they say you know too, Spence. They tell me you were there."
CHAPTER TWO
Meg woke the next morning, thinking that the events of the night before must have been a dream. Was Spence really here? And had she made a fool of herself at Red's Bar? She was groggy from her medications, and it took a full ten minutes before she could throw off the covers, sit up, and think clearly.
Soon, the rich smell of Maria's coffee came to her from downstairs, and she pushed the intercom button by her bed. "Por favor," she croaked, and she heard Maria's "Si," and her light laughter.
While she waited for the coffee, last night's events came flooding back to her. Spence's touch, the wonderful feel of his hard muscles against her, and just the fact he was near.
She remembered how he looked sitting in the bar casually reclining on his chair, with his warm brown eyes appraising her face then sliding down her body like a caress. His ruggedly handsome face. His wavy brown hair, still collar length and the t-shirt he'd worn, with the sleeves rolled up, hugging his thick arm muscles like a second skin.
Maria tapped lightly on the door, then brought a tray with coffee and warm croissants, Meg's favorite. The coffee's vanilla aroma filled the air, and Meg breathed deeply of it before she took her first sip.
The housekeeper sat heavily on the wing chair by the window, and Meg smiled at her lovingly, noticing for the first time flecks of gray in Maria's dark hair. The woman was almost like a mother during Meg's darkest hours. When Meg cried out in the middle of the night, from nightmares, Maria had been there to sit and comfort her.
"Gracias," Meg said.
"He is back, yes?" A wide smile appeared on Maria's face and she raised her eyebrows.
"Yes, Maria. Temporarily at least." Meg took another sip of the vanilla brew.
"Maybe he stay?"
"Not after last night." Meg plucked at the comforter nervously.
Maria gave her a stern look. "No locita?"
Meg smiled ruefully, and took a bite of croissant. "Very loco. I was very loco, Maria, and I yelled in the middle of Red's Bar."
"Tsk, tsk, why you do that, little one? There's nothing wrong." She pointed to Meg's head.
Meg chuckled. Maria always insisted Meg was perfectly all right, in every way. "He probably doesn't agree with you Maria. Not after that. I told him about the dreams."
Giving her a sharp look, Maria said slowly, "Noooo."
"Did he stay here last night?" Meg left the bar after her conversation with Spence, and went straight to bed. But later, she'd heard Big Jake talking to someone.
"Si, Mija, he's in the kitchen."
"And Willie got off to school okay?"
Maria hesitated, and looked down.
"Don't tell me. Not again." Meg frowned.
"Si. Senor Jake..."
Meg was furious, and began dressing. "Well, I'm going to have a little talk with Dad. This is ridiculous! Willie needs to be in school. He's a senior now, and colleges will be looking at his grades. This is the third time this month Dad's kept him home."
Rising slowly, Maria shook her head. Before she left the room, she turned to say, "Is my little one singing tonight?"
Meg paused. "Yes, you're right, it's Friday. Red has me there four days a week now. He told me I could skip for a while because of Chad," her voice wavered, "but I need to sing, it helps me let everything out. I think people will understand, don't you?"
"Si, si, everyone comes to hear my little one sing," Maria exclaimed proudly as she walked out the door.
*****
"I make my own tapes and CD's, Willie. I have tunes for weddings and tunes for parties. Just depends on what the people want me to play." Spence wasn't sure what else he could say to the youngster who sat in front of him in the large, ranch house kitchen.
Meg's teenager was a tall, blond lanky kid who now lounged in his chair shredding a napkin on the tabletop. The boy had Meg's sensual good looks, the lips a bit too full, the blue eyes having an exotic slant, and Spence thought he must have to beat the girls off with a stick.
Meg came in. She wore a white shirt and denim jeans, both of which hugged her small frame in all the right places, Spence thought. He watched the two interact while he drank his coffee.
"School?" she said loudly, placing her hands on her hips.
The boy looked sheepishly at Meg. "Ma, it's Friday. And Grandpa said I could stay home and meet Spence."
Meg glared at Spence, who grinned back. "What about your science project? Who's going to finish that, Grandpa?"
"Yeah. That'd be cool."
She shook her finger at the boy and it reminded Spence of Jake shaking his finger at her the night before. "Don't be a smart mouth." She went towards the sink, and poured herself a cup of coffee. Sitting next to Spence, she told Willie, "Go finish your science project."
"Aw, Ma," he replied, slumping down in his seat.
"Now!"
He rose slowly. "Hey, Spence. See 'ya later."
Spence nodded. "Nice kid," he ventured, after Willie left the room.
"Thanks, but he needs to be in school."
"There's only so much you can learn in school." He tipped back in his chair. "Then you have to go out into the real world."
"Like you did?" she said sarcastically.
"Yeah."
"Where've you been, Spence?"
"Here and there."
"You know what I mean." Her turquoise eyes appraised him carefully. "You left in such a hurry back then. One minute you were here, the next minute you were gone. No good-byes, no nothing. You left me high and dry."
He sighed. "I lived with my older brother at first. But I've been all over. Especially in the early eighties. They couldn't get enough of my D.J. talents back then."
"You still doing it?"
"Yeah. Made some money in the stock market from what Mom and Dad left me. Then settled in Ventura, California. I work the coast for weddings, mostly. A lot of rich people in Santa Barbara pay for my services."
She smiled at him, and her eyebrows shot up. "Really?"
He grinned back at the innuendo. "What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Willie. I won't ask what happened—"
"Why not? Everyone else did. I got pregnant. Happens every day. Grampa Cowell left us in good shape financially, so I don't really have to work, except for volunteering at the animal shelter. But with Willie, I just got unlucky is all."
"Oh, I wouldn't say that. He looks like a good kid to me, science project or no science project."
Her look softened. "I wouldn't trade him for the world. And neither would Dad. He just adores Willie like I do. I just wish I'd told Tim, the father, at the time. It's just too late to tell him now."
"Do you really want him to be a father to the kid?"
"Yes and no. He was a professor at the university, so the whole thing was very hush-hush. But, Willie could use a father figure right now, with all those raging hormones and everything. Dad's just too old to be a father figure. Besides, he's too busy calling me a fornicator."
She looked so sad he wondered if it would be right to give her a hug. And, at that moment, he wished he could take it all back. All his years of banging around from town to town. All the women, the drinks, the bars and clubs, all of it. He realized he'd trade it all right now just to call Willie his son. Just so they'd have something meaningful together.
Big Jake came in, carrying a thick wad of papers. As he sat at the table, he said, "Here it is, Spence, Chad's will. See what you think, boy." He rifled through, and found a single sheet. "This here's the list of tunes. Don't recognize the titles, but then I'm a country music fan myself."
Spence looked down the list and whistled. "Wow, some of these are really rare. I can see why we'll have to go to the house for them. Most never made it to tape form. That record collection must be worth a fortune. All the old forty-fives."
"It's yours now, son," Big Jake said, "says so right here. Simmons' been keeping them for us all these years. Knew they was worth something just didn't know what."
"Well," Spence said with a sigh, "no time like the present. I'll go over to Simmons' place."
"Can I tag along?" Meg asked.
"Only if I drive."
As they both headed out the door, Meg said, "No way. I've seen the way you drive that Caddy. You're a stinkin' frinkin' maniac."
Their voices drifted off as they went down the porch steps, and Big Jake chuckled as he watched them leave.
As he returned to the room, from the other doorway, Willie said, "She didn't have any nightmares last night, Grandpa."
"Yeah," Big Jake said thoughtfully.
"They used to be an item?"
Big Jake chuckled again. "Yeah, son. Why?"
Willie sniffed. "Can tell by the way he looks at her."
"Don't begrudge her, son. She could use a man in her life."
"No shit. She's never had a man, far as I can remember. Vestal Virgin, that's my mom. Makes me think I'm adopted or sumpthin.'"
Big Jake guffawed at that, and slapped Willie on the thigh. "You got my family in you, boy. You be proud, now, 'ya hear?"
*****
"I don't know how to say this," Meg began, as they rode towards the Simmons' place.
Spence smiled. "Just say it, then." He'd won the argument over who was to drive, and now he cruised, top down, at what he considered to be a snail's pace of forty miles an hour, his compromise with Meg.
"Did you want to go to the cemetery?"
His smile faded. "Hadn't really thought about it." Memories of the funeral came back to him full force. The whole town showed up, as his parents were well liked pillars of the community. His mother did charity work and his father was a member of the VFW and sat on the board of directors at the bank.
Big Jake bought Spence a suit for the occasion, black and stiff, with a starched white shirt, truly uncomfortable. Spence stood at the plots during the burial services, sixteen years old, his back ram-rod straight, not really hearing the words of the minister, just smelling the strong, earthen smell of death.
&
nbsp; He remembered the bitterness tearing at him with sharp, unforgiving talons, as he railed at the unfairness of the murders; the breaking of the commandment that all life was sacred, and the hope that whoever did this thing would burn in hell. And he'd always blamed Pap Miller and two Rushburg detectives for not solving the crime.
"You got much religion, Meg?" he finally asked.
"Momma is a Catholic, but Daddy's Baptist. When we were kids, they'd take us one week to St. Raphael's and one week to First Baptist, and we kids got so confused, Daddy finally said 'no more' and we got to stay home on Sundays."
Spence smiled, turned on the road leading to the cemetery, and watched the flat desert landscape whiz by. "Where do you think people go when they die? I mean, does everything just stop and then blackness? Like a black hole?"
Meg sat back in the seat. "Hell if I know." Then, changing the subject, she said, "Don't you think the desert is so beautiful? Look at the mountains."
Lavender peaks surrounded the valley, jutting upwards as if to correct the desert's horizontal faults; the treacherous terrain lay in wait, sharing scorpions, mountain lions and coyotes with the flat plane below.
Spence snorted at the thought. "It's piss ugly. I've hated it since I was able to realize I hated it."
"I can't believe anything lives out here. It's such a life and death struggle, and only the strongest survives."
"Reminds me of Lacene." Looking over at her, he asked, "Are you strong, Meg?"
"Not yet. But, I'm getting there. Anyway, to answer your question, I had an out of body experience one time. When I had the breakdown, I took a bunch of pills. Maria found me and Chad saved me. He did CPR until the medics came. But I remember," she paused and turned the air conditioner full blast, a futile gesture Spence thought, considering the car's top was down, "I was up in the corner of the room. I was there, just hovering. I could see myself on the bed, and Chad working on me. It was like I was a spirit or something. After that, I don't remember too much."
Big Jake hadn't relayed this to Spence either during their talk last night. She'd almost died. The seriousness of her depression hit him hard. Thank God for Chad, Spence thought. But, he wasn't sure what to say to her. That life was precious? That she'd go to hell if she ever succeeded in killing herself? He came up with more questions than answers. He just knew he was glad she failed in her attempt at nothingness.
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