If I Can't Have You

by Dawn Jiles

“I wanted to talk to you about everything I put you through before. I want to apologize for my behavior and let you know it will never happen again,” I lied, because I knew if taken there, I would do the same thing again, but maybe even worse the next time around. I wanted to make him feel like I had really changed, so I began to cry and continued to confess how sorry I was. All of sudden, his eyes left mine, and his entire attitude changed. I followed his gaze, and that was when I laid eyes on Zoe and some light-skinned guy. I was very shocked because, for starters, I had no clue what Zoe would be doing here with another man when she was supposed to be with Kevin. I stared at her, and I could not believe this was the bitch he had left me for.

  “I don’t mean to get in your business, but what is she doing here with another guy?” I asked Kevin, interrupting his thoughts.

  “We are not together,” was all he said before giving me his undivided attention again. “I forgive you for all the shit you pulled, just don’t pull that shit again.” He smiled.

  The way he kept smiling at me, and the fact that he was no longer with Zoe, was giving me hope for us. I was wondering why he had moved out of town, and now I had got my answer. It pissed me off that he had left me for that bitch and she had ended up hurting his ass too. Zoe and her man walked by us, and the look on her face was priceless. She was shocked to see Kevin, but even more shocked to see him with me. She gripped dude’s arm tighter, then sped up her pace. I grabbed Kevin’s face and kissed the shit out of him, and to my surprise, he went along with me. When we finally came up for air, Zoe was staring a hole through both of us. She looked like she wanted to murder us both, and I felt like I had accomplished my job.

  “Let’s get out of here,” Kevin said before we could order food or anything. He stood up, grabbed my hand, and then we walked out of the restaurant. I made sure to put a little something extra in my step.

  We went back to my house, and we fucked all day and night. When I woke up in the morning, there was a note on the nightstand, telling me he had enjoyed himself and he would hit me up later. I didn’t know how to feel, because I had made myself believe that we were going to get back together, but now it seemed like it was just a friendly fuck.

  Mo

  Corey and I went to a restaurant in Brookfield to grab a bite to eat. We had not been able to do things like this recently since he had been working with his father on some project that was supposed to bring in a lot of money for the two of them. Once we were done with our food, I decided that we should walk around Brookfield Square, the mall, so that we could find me something nice to wear. My parents had decided they wanted to throw Corey and me another engagement party, since the first one had been a disaster. I had told them to keep it small, because I was not sure if I was ready to face all those people again. Just before we were about to enter the mall, I felt someone grab my arm hard as hell.

  “So this is the real reason why your trifling ass broke up with me,” Tremaine said. I instantly got scared, because I knew Corey was about to go crazy.

  “Nigga, you really tried it, coming over to her straight disrespectful,” Corey said while pushing Tremaine in his chest.

  I jumped in front of them to prevent any further fighting.

  “Naw, bitch-ass nigga, I just don’t appreciate her ass lying to me. You had me think your ass was over this nigga, but you right back with his bitch ass,” Tremaine spat, pushing me out of the way, then jumping in Corey’s face.

  “I am not going to be too many more of your bitches, you ho-ass niggas. I’m trying to save your ass the embarrassment of whupping your ass,” Corey spat.

  “Man, fuck you. You don’t put no fear in my heart,” Tremaine said, pushing Corey. And that was when everything went from bad to worse. Corey punched Tremaine right in his face, and that was all she wrote. I tried my hardest to break them up, but my little ass couldn’t do it.

  “Corey, stop! Get off him,” I yelled. “That’s enough!” But my pleas went unheard.

  Finally, mall security broke them up. Corey had beat the shit out of Tremaine by then, but Tremaine had held his own. He had got a few swings in on him, enough to slightly bust Corey’s lips. Tremaine’s entire face was bloody. I knew Corey had hated him from the time he saw Tremaine and me talking at the club that night.

  “Now, bitch-ass nigga, that should teach your weak ass to listen to what you have been told,” Corey said heatedly.

  “That didn’t teach me shit. Her ass will be back. We was just fucking not to long before she ended things with me. She loves daddy’s dick. She told me that all the time when she was riding this big motherfucker!” Tremaine said, smiling, with blood all on his teeth.

  My heart nearly dropped to the pit of my stomach. I just knew Corey was going to be done with me after that comment. Corey didn’t know about the fact that I had slept with Tremaine the day Sam got shot, and I was hoping to take that to my grave.

  “Corey, let’s go. You two are scaring me, and you are bleeding. Let’s just go home,” I said.

  “Man, fuck you. Your ass see who she with, and she is going to continue to be with me, homeboy. If you come anywhere near my fiancée again, I will kill your ass and make sure they will never find your body, you hear me? Let’s go, Monique,” Corey said, grabbing my arm.

  “Fiancée,” Tremaine said, then laughed out loud. Before Tremaine and I broke up, I had never told him that Corey and I were engaged, so he never knew that. I felt so bad because Corey had beat that boy’s ass. He hadn’t shown him any mercy, and I was scared as hell because I didn’t know what he was going to say to me.

  “Get your ass in the car, Mo. You got me out here fighting these weak-ass niggas over you. If you had never given my pussy to another nigga, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation right now,” he said as he got in the car and slammed the door. He shut it so hard that the glass cracked.

  I got in the car and didn’t say a word.

  “You better stay away from that nigga before you get him hurt, and your ass is definitely cut off. I am not giving you no sex,” he said. I hated that when he got mad at me, he wanted to withhold sex. I was going to start treating his ass like that.

  “I’m sorry, Corey. You acting like I knew he was going to be at the mall,” I said.

  “I don’t even want to talk about it anymore. All I know is if you want to be with me and you value our relationship, you better stay away from that nigga, point-blank, period,” he said with finality.

  I had never been in so much drama in my life. This past year had been full of good times, but it had mostly been bad times. I just hoped that things began to change for the better. I loved Corey, and he had made his mistakes too, but I had just chosen to forgive him. He needed to do the same for me with this Tremaine situation. Otherwise, we were not going to make it.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Zoe

  When I’d seen Kevin with Sam, I immediately got pissed as hell, and when they’d kissed, I knew he no longer cared about me or even thought about me like I thought about him. I still wanted to beat that ho’s ass, and now that they may be back together, my hate for her grew even more. Things with Dontae had gone from bad to worse. When we’d got home from the restaurant, we’d got into a heated argument. I still remembered what happened as clear as day, and it had been a month since everything went down.

  We walked in the house, and Dontae immediately got to snapping on me.

  “Your ass still want that nigga. I saw how you was looking at him,” he said.

  “Baby, I love you, and I don’t want him,” I said, trying to kiss him on his lips to reassure him that it was him I wanted. He pushed me out of the way, and I landed on my ass. I was so shocked that I actually sat on the floor, trying to compose myself.

  “Don’t try to kiss on me and shit when I know you was thinking about kissing that nigga,” he said, staring down at me.

  I looked at Dontae with pleading eyes. I really did love this man, but I felt like I had become weak since I had gotten back with him. Befo
re, there was no way anyone would have gotten away with pushing me without my snapping.

  “Baby, I love you. I don’t know why you acting crazy right now, because I’m all about you,” I said.

  All of a sudden, he snatched me off the floor by my hair, then smacked me in my face. I stood there, shocked, for a minute, because I could not believe he had put his hands on me.

  “Bitch, who the fuck you think your ass is talking to like that, huh? Who you calling crazy?” he said, walking into my face.

  I slapped the shit out of him and began to rain punches all over his body. He grabbed me by my hair again, then dragged me into our bedroom. I could feel strands of my hair being pulled out by the roots. Once inside the bedroom, he threw me on the bed, then jumped on top of me. He slapped me repeatedly on my face, then began to rip off my clothes. By this time, I was crying my eyes out, and I couldn’t fight back. He took off his clothes, then lay between my legs.

  “Baby, I am sorry. I just get so angry when I think of another man trying to take you from me. I’ll never put my hands on you again,” he said, then placed kisses all over my face and neck.

  He stared into my face and asked me if I would forgive him. I shook my head yes, and then he kissed me on my lips. He placed his dick against my opening and began to rub it up and down my clit while sucking on my nipples. I tried my hardest not to feel anything for him, but I loved this man. He entered my wet hole and began to pound in and out of me, bringing me to a fast orgasm. He flipped me over so that I was lying on my stomach, and then he came inside of me shortly after. He held me close to him for the rest of the night and would let me up only to go to the bathroom.

  I believed Dontae when he said he would never put his hands on me again, and so far so good.

  * * *

  Here I was, leaving the doctor’s office with a prescription for prenatal vitamins. The doctor had told me I was six weeks pregnant. I was happy to hear the news, because I really wanted a baby, and maybe this would help Dontae be more secure in our relationship. I couldn’t wait to give him the news. I went to Walgreens to fill my prescription, then headed home to make dinner. I had decided to make his favorite tonight for dinner, when I dropped the good news on him. I made fried pork chops, macaroni and cheese, and corn on the cob. I lit the candles on our dinner table, and that was when Dontae walked in the door. I greeted him with a kiss and a hug, then led him to the dinner table after we washed our hands. We both took a seat and filled our plates.

  “Hey, baby. How was work?” I said, making conversation as we ate.

  “It was great. It was a good day. We met our quota for this month, so that’s always a good thing,” he said and gave me a huge smile.

  I decided this would be a good time to give him the good news.

  “So I went to the doctor today for my yearly checkup, and the doctor gave me some good news,” I said.

  “What’s that?” he said, taking a big bite out of his pork chop.

  “I’m pregnant, baby,” I said, smiling sweetly.

  He frowned and was quiet.

  “Are you okay, honey? I thought you would be happy.... We talked about starting a family early,” I said.

  “Whose baby is it?” he asked.

  I looked at him like he had lost his damn mind, because he knew I had been only with his stinky ass. I stood up from the dinner table and ran into our bedroom. The nerve of his ass! I thought. I had left a very good man for him, and he had the nerve to question my loyalty? I began to cry. He walked into our bedroom, got on his knees in front of me, and began to apologize.

  “I’m sorry, baby. I know you are pregnant with my child. I don’t know what came over me. I am happy that you are pregnant with our baby,” he said, then kissed my stomach and my lips.

  Dontae needed to get his shit together, because I didn’t know how much I could take of this bipolar-ass shit.

  Monique

  It was the night of our engagement party, and Corey and I were on our way to the hotel that was hosting our party. I was nervous as ever, because I didn’t know what people would think of me accepting Corey back after I’d been embarrassed at our first engagement party. To make matters worse, Sam would be at this party too, but I had warned her that she better not start no mess. We had been hanging out a lot lately, and it felt like old times. It actually felt good being around her again. She seemed to be on the straight and narrow, so I guessed I didn’t have anything to worry about as far as she was concerned.

  When we entered the hotel ballroom, it was packed as ever. I should have known my parents couldn’t do anything small. I spotted David and Bria on the dance floor, dry fucking. She was glowing, and I could tell she was happy to have her David back. No matter where we went with them two, it was like they could not keep their hands off each other. If she was not on birth control, she would definitely be knocked up with baby number two before long.

  As we walked through the door, the DJ announced our arrival. Zoe and her man walked up to us, and she hugged me tight. I looked in her face, and she had definitely lost that glow she used to have with Kevin, and if I was not mistaken, there was a small cut above her eye. I wonder what happened to her, I thought. Corey nodded at Dontae, but that was all Dontae was going get. Kevin had told Corey what happened between them, and you know Corey’s loyalty was to Kevin.

  As soon as Zoe and I got done embracing, Kevin walked in with some thick chick. She was pretty and dark skinned, and she almost gave Zoe a run for her money. Zoe looked at Kevin for a second, then at Dontae. She entangled her arms with Dontae’s, then told us she would see us a little later. She and Dontae disappeared into the crowd. Kevin embraced me, then gave Corey a brotherly hug. I had not seen Kevin in about three months. He came up here all the time, but he hadn’t visited Corey and me. He introduced us to the chick he was with, and her name was Imani. Corey, Kevin, and his girl—whom he referred to as his friend, by the way—walked off.

  Samariah walked up to me with Brian and her mom. I knew she was going to be upset, because she had told me that she and Kevin had been having sex a lot lately. She had said she had been driving up north, to where he was staying, and spending weekends with him. She had told me she felt strongly that he was going to make things official between them. And she had also told me he said he was moving back home in about a week or so. He had been staying with his dad’s brother for a while. She pulled me to the side so that we could converse in private.

  “I can’t believe he showed up here with some chick. He told me he was not fucking nobody but me, but you know he is fucking that girl,” Sam said, looking hurt.

  “Sam, you are here with Brian, so you really cannot be this upset over what Kevin is doing. Plus, y’all are not together,” I said.

  “Kevin knows about Brian, and I told him I would stop seeing him whenever he decides to make things official with me,” she said.

  I was about to respond, but my dad got on the stage and called Corey and me up front. I walked up on the stage and grabbed my man’s hand and stood there, feeling nervous as hell.

  “I would like to take this time to congratulate my beautiful daughter on her engagement to her awesome fiancé, Corey. I am so happy for her, and I am very proud to say she’s my child. I would move the moon and stars for her, and I could not ask for a better daughter. I love you, baby, with all my heart,” my father said.

  A waiter came over and handed my father, Corey, and me glasses of champagne.

  “Cheers to you two,” my father said, then raised his glass. At the same time, he sat the microphone down, and everyone said, “Cheers.” As soon as we took our drink, I watched Sam’s mom storm onto the stage and grab the mic.

  “Your tired ass act as if you only have one fucking daughter, and that’s this spoiled little bitch right there,” she said as she pointed at me.

  This was the second time this old bitch had come for me, and I was tired of her shit. Wait. Did she just say that he acts as if I’m his only child? I am his only child. What is she
talking about? I thought.

  My father tried to take the mic out of her hand, but she had a death grip on it.

  “Naw, let me the fuck go. I can’t hide this shit anymore. Samariah is your fucking daughter too, and I am tired of you acting like she isn’t. My baby has not spent time with you since she was five years old, and she does not deserve this, but that all ends today. For those of you who are still confused, the two girls, who have been best friends for all these years, are actually sisters. They share the same daddy, which is this sorry motherfucker right here,” she said, pointing at my dad. “I just thought it was time to let the cat out of the bag.”

  I looked at my father, then collapsed on the floor. I knew we couldn’t have a party without some type of drama, was my thought as everything faded to black.

  Samariah

  I could not believe my ears. Did she just say that Mr. Peterson was my father? I had so many emotions going on, and I did not know how to feel. Brian grabbed my hand tightly, and then the tears began to pour out of my eyes.

  How could this man be my father and never really acknowledge me? I wondered. I had spent so many nights over at his house, with Mo, and he had never once mentioned that he was my dad. How could he be there for Mo and not for me? What made her so much better than me? Why didn’t he want me? I hated Monique’s ass! She had stolen the life I should have had with my father. I really had to get rid of that little bitch now. She always got whatever she wanted. She had taken everything from me.

  My thoughts were interrupted by the commotion on the stage. Mrs. Sharon ran on the stage and punched the shit out of my mother. My mom instantly hit the floor. I ran up on the stage to get my mother. I was pissed at her too, but at the moment she needed my help. My dad, or Mr. Peterson or whatever, grabbed his wife and pulled her off the stage. The security escorted everyone out except for Monique and Mr. Peterson and me. They were able to wake Mo up after her dumb ass fainted on the stage. Once everyone was out, it was just Mo and I with our father.