If I Can't Have You

by Dawn Jiles

  “Well, you don’t think Junior is mine, and you tell me that I should get a test done for him. I haven’t done it, but I take care of my son, so I’m doing the same with Meka. Meka said she is positive that I am the father, and that’s all that matters to me. I really don’t have any choice but to believe what she says at this point,” he said.

  I hopped out of the bed so fast and stared at him with the look of death. “It’s nice to know that you two are having personal conversations and shit, when the only thing you should be talking about is your so-called son. Unlike her son, my baby looks exactly like your trifling ass, so I guess you’re back fucking with that bitch, since you two are all personal and shit. I was your fool once. I won’t be it twice. I am getting a paternity test done, so you can know for sure that my baby is yours. When you and I are over, you can go play house with that ratchet ho, and if you really wanted to find out if Caiden is yours, you could take her ass to court and make her get a test done,” I said as I walked over to the closet to find something to put on.

  “Bria, where are you going? You know damn well that I’m not messing with Meka on that level. I’m just saying, she be in my ear, spitting the same shit that you’re spitting, but I don’t listen to her ass. I love you with all my heart, and I know my son is mine,” he said, getting up and wrapping his arms around my waist.

  I knew he was not messing with Meka, but the way he was defending her was pissing me off. I knew one other thing: I was getting that paternity test just so a bitch could never say that David was not the father of my baby. I gave in to his kisses, which he was placing all over my neck and back, and I made love to my man, putting all thoughts of our problems to rest for the time being.

  Chapter Thirty

  Tim

  Things in my life were finally coming together. I finally had my son, and my wife had taken my butt back. She hadn’t been playing when she said she was divorcing me. She had actually had the papers drawn up and sent to me. When they were delivered to me, I’d initially been shocked and very pissed, because I’d felt like she was taking things too far. So, I’d gone into overdrive, begging her to accept my apology and take me back, and she finally had. I had never been in danger of her not taking me back, because if I didn’t know anything else, I knew my wife loved me. She would never leave me, and I refused to let anyone else have her. I knew I did some messed-up shit sometimes, but I really did love my wife, and the thought of another nigga being inside of her made me want to kill somebody. My wife had the best pussy in this world, and I just couldn’t give that up. It was not just about the sex; she just fit me perfectly. She was ride or die, and she knew how to really treat a man.

  Things between us were going perfectly until I allowed Kendra back into the picture. I must admit, I had always had a soft spot for Kendra, and if she had kept herself up all those years ago, I would have probably continued to sleep with her. I had tried being faithful, and I had been for a while, but I would always see some chick whom I just had to have. I was an ass man, and when I saw a perfectly round one, it was hard for me to pass that up.

  These women were not making it hard for me. Any chick I messed with made it easy for me to hit. I never lied to any of these women and told them I was single. The only one I lied to was my wife. Case in point, this woman named Madison, who was currently going through a divorce, came into my office, crying about how her husband had cheated on her and had done her so wrong. I became her lawyer and her fuck buddy. Her husband wanted to work things out, but now she was trying to be with me. I had no intentions of ever being in a relationship with her, but she was sexy as hell, and she was a good fuck. I knew I shouldn’t play with this woman’s emotions, but shit, I felt like I was young and in my prime, so why not? Not to mention that she knew I was with my wife.

  I loved my wife to death, and there was nothing that she was doing wrong. I just liked variety. Truth be told, I had been cheating on my wife for most of our relationship, but the only person she knew about was Kendra. Even if she did find out about the other women, she would just leave for a little while and come right back. Sometimes, I was very serious about changing for my wife, but I felt like I had a problem, because I just couldn’t reform myself.

  In fact, I was with Madison at this very moment.

  “Baby, I am really ready for this divorce to be final so that we can be together in public,” Madison said.

  I didn’t respond. I just grabbed her head and pushed it back down on my dick. I knew I couldn’t keep doing shit like this and get away with it, but I felt like I couldn’t help myself. I was mad that this bitch had fallen in love with me, because this was only temporary, and when I got done with her, I’d hand her over to the next nigga so that she could be somebody else’s headache.

  Kendra

  Life for me couldn’t be better. For starters, I had given Tim something that Sharon couldn’t, and that was a son. I knew Tim had always wanted a son, and when we started back sleeping together, he would tell me that he wanted me to have his baby and give him a son. After I gave birth to his son, he had told me that it was just sex talk because we were in the moment, but I honestly believed that deep down inside, he had tried to get me pregnant, and I didn’t have a problem with that. I would give him anything that he wanted, because I really wanted my man back, and I would do whatever it took. He was not living with me yet, but we were still having sex almost every day. He was even telling me that he loved me, and I knew he meant it. He ate dinner with me most nights, and he always took my son and me on out-of-town business trips.

  The only problem we were having was that he wouldn’t leave his wife. At this point, I didn’t even care, because I would take him any way that I could get him, because I loved him that much. Sam had said that if I got pregnant by him again, that would seal the deal. The only problem with that was that my pregnancy with my son had been bad, and because of that, I had ended up getting an IUD so that I could avoid getting pregnant again. Sharon had to know something wasn’t right. After all, with all the time he spent with his son and me, he was definitely not spending a lot of time with her. I’d be glad when she was finally out of the picture and I had him all to myself.

  I had lost all the weight I gained during the pregnancy. I had even gone to the gym to tighten my stomach, so that it was like it used to be. So I was looking and feeling good. Tim got so upset when we were out and men stared at me or tried to hit on me. One time, he got pissed and cursed me out because some man was staring at me for too long. That was how I know that things between us were getting serious, and that sooner rather than later, he would leave Sharon and come and be with his real family.

  “You know I love you, right?” I asked Tim as he ran his fingers through my hair.

  “Yeah, I know, and I love you too,” he said.

  “Then why won’t you move in with me and your son? I know Sam would love that too, especially since you were absent for most of her life,” I said. I knew he had a soft spot for his kids, so I used them to get my point across.

  “I know, Kendra, but it’s not that easy, and you knew what you were getting into when we started back sleeping together. Don’t get me wrong. I love you, but I just ain’t ready to leave my wife yet . . . if ever,” he said.

  “You’re not ready to leave her, but you are here every day—eating, sleeping, and shitting. But I’m not good enough for you to leave your wife. It’s obvious you belong here with me. She doesn’t treat you like I do, and she can’t love you like I do,” I said, pleading my case.

  “Whatever, Kendra. I don’t feel like dealing with this shit with you right now. Go in there and cook me some food so I can take my ass home,” he said.

  I did what I was told, but his ass wouldn’t be going home tonight. I cooked his favorite meal and poured him a glass of Hennessy to wash it down with. Before I gave him his drink, I crushed two sleeping pills and then placed them in his drink. I stirred it up and gave it to him. Then I gave him his food. He tossed the drink back and told me to ma
ke him another one, and I did what I was told. He ate his food, and as soon as he was done, he lay down on the bed. I could tell that the meds had kicked in, because it was hard for him to keep his eyes open.

  “I’m going to take a nap. Wake me up in about an hour,” he said.

  I told him that I would, but we all know that was a lie. Moments later, he was out for the count. I had no plans to wake him up, and when Sharon realized that he wasn’t bringing his ass home tonight, there would be trouble in paradise.

  Zoe

  Things between Kevin and me had been good up until recently, when I discovered he was still talking to that chick Imani, the one he was messing around with when we were separated. I got real insecure when he took me back because of how bad I had done him when Dontae was in the picture. Now I went through his phone every chance I got. I hadn’t found anything until recently. It was not that he was saying anything inappropriate; it was she who was doing too much. She was saying how much she missed what they had had and just how she missed him in general. She kept saying she wanted to meet up with him and things like that, but for the most part, he didn’t respond. When he did, he would just say that he couldn’t mess with her on that level and that they could only be friends, but I was not okay with that. I wanted so badly to say something to him, but I couldn’t, because I wasn’t supposed to go through his phone.

  “Baby, are you happy with me?” I asked.

  “Yes, I am happy with you. Why do you keep asking me that?” he said.

  “I just want to know. You don’t tell me those types of things,” I said.

  “That’s because I show you. My actions should tell you that I am happy,” he said.

  “And you don’t want to be with no one else, right?” I asked, sounding really insecure.

  “No, I don’t want to be with anyone else. I wouldn’t be with you if I did,” he said.

  I decided to ask him about Imani without letting on that I had actually gone through his phone. “The other day, when you were taking a shower, your phone beeped, and I saw a message from Imani. Y’all still keep in contact?” I said, looking him dead in his eyes.

  He chuckled, and then he finally answered my question. “I see what this is. You are insecure for some reason, but I guess I will feed into it. She texts me every now and then, but I don’t talk to her like that. Look, I’m with you, not her. I don’t even want to be with her, so you can stop thinking whatever you are thinking, because it is not like that at all,” he said.

  I felt a little better, but not much. I couldn’t shake the fact that he might just up and leave me like I did him. No matter how much he said he loved me, there was a strong possibility that he would leave me, and I was just not ready to lose him. I loved this man with every ounce of my being, and I knew I had made some mistakes. I just hoped he had forgiven me like he said he had.

  “I don’t feel comfortable with you texting her, and I think you should let her know that,” I said. He looked at me like I was crazy, but I was dead serious. I was not okay with my man’s ex-girlfriend texting him.

  “All right, Zaria. I’ll tell her, but don’t come at me again with your insecure bullshit,” he said, turning on his side so that his back was facing me.

  I hoped I had done the right thing by telling him how I felt. Only time would tell.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  Kevin

  I met up with the guys at a local bar because I had some shit I needed to get off my chest. Things with Zoe and me had been good on my end until she came to me with that insecure bullshit. I knew it was because she thought that I was sweating the shit from the past, but honestly, I was not even thinking about what she did. Everyone made mistakes, and I had decided to forgive her, so I had let that shit go. Plus, I knew she was not really that type of girl. I loved her, and I had plans to spend my life with her. She needed to forgive herself, because she was the only one who had a problem.

  “So, what’s up, man?” David asked while sipping on his beer.

  “Man, nothing much. Having woman problems, as usual,” I said.

  “Tell me about,” Corey and David said in unison.

  “What type of problems are y’all having? It seems like we are all going through it lately,” I said.

  “Mo’s mad at me about some shit Sam said when she saw her at the club. I don’t understand why she is pissed at me about some old shit that we have moved past,” Corey said.

  “She’s still marrying your ass, so y’all good. Me, on the other hand, I got big nigga problems. For starters, I’ve got Bria and Meka in my ear, talking shit about each other on the daily. Bria feels like I should get a blood test on Caiden to make sure he’s mines before I go claiming him, and Meka feels the same way about Junior,” David said.

  “Man, you’re not sleeping with Meka’s ho ass again, are you?” Corey asked, taking the words right out of my mouth.

  “Man, hell naw. I learned my lesson the first time Bria left my ass. A nigga was sick as hell. I’m super faithful to her ass, and Meka hates that shit. She just feels like if I test Caiden, I should test Junior too, but I feel like little man is mine, though,” David said, sounding slow as hell.

  “Man, listen, Bria is your woman, and you know for sure that Junior is yours. He looks just like your ass. Plus, we know that Bria’s crazy ass has only been with you. Now, Meka, she is a known ho. You need to test that little nigga, and low key, he looks like your boy Mitch, in all honesty,” I said.

  “Right. Why would you take care of a kid that may not be yours? I mean, you’re dealing with extra drama when you might not have to. I know you are a standup guy, but damn,” Corey said, then downed his glass of vodka.

  “Y’all niggas are right, but I feel like it’s going to cause more drama if I get the test,” David said as he continued to sip on his beer.

  “You sound crazy. Test that little nigga, and if he’s yours, put that ho in her place and take care of your shorty. But if he’s not, kick her ass to the curb and let her go find her real baby’s father. She has no business with you if you are not the father,” Corey said.

  “Man, I called you two niggas here so I could talk and fix my problems, not to fix y’all problems,” I said, laughing at them.

  “Oh, yeah. You’re right. So what’s up with you?” Corey said.

  “Yeah, let’s drop this conversation, because this is stressing me the hell out,” David said with a stressed look on his face.

  Corey and I just laughed at his crazy ass.

  “So, y’all remember that chick Imani I was messing with when Zoe and I were going through our shit?” I asked, and they nodded their head yes. “Well, she has been texting and calling me, talking about ‘she misses me and wants to be with me’ type shit. I haven’t talked to her since a few months after Zoe and I got back together, and that’s been a few years ago. Now, all of a sudden, she wants to be with me. She said she has been feeling this way for the longest, and she just decided to reach out now,” I said.

  “Man, don’t fall for it. Zoe has been through enough already. Just look at what David’s going through. You don’t need those problems,” Corey said, and then he chuckled at David.

  “Shut up, Corey. But he’s right, man. You love Zoe. Don’t fall for that bullshit. Side chicks are problems you don’t need,” David said.

  “Well, that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is she is talking about moving down here to be with me,” I said.

  “Why would she do that if you told her that you ain’t looking for that? You sure you are not sleeping with this girl?” Corey said.

  “Man, I am positive. I barely even text the girl back when she texts me, and I definitely don’t answer none of her phone calls. I don’t know, man. I just hope she doesn’t move here. I don’t need the extra drama,” I said.

  “You got another crazy-ass girl on your hands. It seems like you only attract the crazy ones,” David said, laughing.

  “Right, Sam’s ass needs to be on some pills or something. That h
o is beyond crazy, and low-key Zoe is a little crazy too,” Corey said, laughing hard as hell. I wanted to punch his ass right off the bar stool with the way he was laughing.

  “Man, fuck y’all. Let’s take some shots,” I said, putting Imani out of my mind.

  Monique

  Today was my big day, and I couldn’t be happier. Corey and I had been through so much over the past years, and we had made it through all of that.

  “Girl, why are you sitting over there looking like you’re about to cry?” Zoe asked.

  “I’m just sitting here thinking about everything we have been through, and where we are at now. It’s almost too good to be true,” I said, pushing back my tears so I wouldn’t mess up my makeup.

  Moments later, there was a knock on the door. My mother walked in. She looked like she had been crying, but she was still stunning in her peach cocktail-style dress. My mother looked like a slightly older version of me. She was so beautiful, with her shoulder-length jet-black hair and those same green eyes that I had. She was very curvaceous, but petite at the same time.

  “Can I have a moment alone with my daughter?” my mom asked.

  No one said a word; they just left the room.

  “You look so beautiful, honey,” she said, cupping my face in her hands.

  “Thanks, Mommy. So do you,” I said.

  “I know this might catch you off guard, but as your mother, I have to ask you these types of questions. Are you sure you want to do this?” she said, kind of shocking me.

  “Yes, I want to do this. Why would you ask me that?” I wanted to know.

  “Never mind that. Do you really love Corey, and do you feel like he’s going to treat you like you deserve to be treated, to be faithful to you, and really hold true to the vows he’s about to take?” she said.

  “Of course, Mom. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t believe he was going to be true to me. Mom, what’s going on? Why are you asking me these questions?” I said.