“Just what we needed, a Frenchman with a sense of humor. And if we were not so bad with the French language... I’ll try it in English, maybe he will understand?!” Galfonino looked at the stranger and spoke to him as retarded. “D-o y-o-u speak English?”
The short, otherwise stocky commander slightly narrowed his eyes, “Apparently you haven’t heard that you lost the battle if you’re so cocky? And what is this weird accent?
“Listen to me carefully, you flattened mug, if we speak English, it does not mean that we are Englishmen,” Leo changed his tone. “People should beat you even when they see your portrait! Why aren’t you smiling now?” The gangster turned to the soldiers.
“Tie them and bring them to the camp!” The visibly insulted commander gave the order. “And the one with the big mouth, take him to the Butcher!”
“Hmm, that does not sound good,” Cassis stared blankly at the others who shrugged their shouldersastonished. “And we left the girls alone with a stranger.”
“Mac is also there.”
“Don’t count on him too much. He will probably sober up after a few days.”
Not long after, a camp was seen in the distance. Upon entering, the group was divided. Galfonino and Arnold were put directly in a cell, and Leo was bound in a nearly empty basement. Ahead of him on the table were put bloodied tools that smelled of carrion. His arms and legs were fastened tightly to the wall so he couldn’t even move. A moment later, the Butcher appeared at the door. Leo examined him from top to bottom. Six-foot, four hundred plus pounds, but pure muscle, probably Swede. His face showed seriousness.
“Oh my God, I’m having a deja vu. It’s like I’m in Germany again… Is it possible that you have relatives in the Holy Roman Empire?”
The Heap stood directly at the table and began honing a curved cutting tool. Leo looked desperately, “Aren’t you going to ask me questions first? I will tell you everything…”
The man did not respond and continued to slowly sharpen his tools.
“Should I wait for the thought to go to your brain or is there time?”
Again nothing. The rufous man finished with the tool and got close to Leo. Suddenly, a big smile appeared on his face. Cassis felt frustration at himself when he saw a figure in the doorway. An idea popped into his mind immediately. He accelerated his head as much as he could and then hit the Swede. An excruciating pain followed, but there was no time to whine. There was a juicy spit in the face of the four hundred pounds man.
“I challenge you to a duel, battle or whatever you call it, you cowardly lump.”
The northerner wiped his face and lifted the instrument.
“Stop,” said the figure in the doorway. “You will kill him in the arena. Let the boys have some fun too.”
Leo only now recognized the commander who had arrested him, "I have to buy him a drink after all this!" Smiled Smith.
The arena was small, surrounded by a wooden fence and had visibility for no more than fifty people. A great buzz happened. The news spread even in the cells.
“What is happening?” Wondered Galfonino.
“Surely something connected with Leo,” Arnold stretched his neck in an attempt to see through the small window outside, but unsuccessfully. “We have to get out of here. I have a plan. Hit me in the nose!”
Galfonino squinted incredulously, “I know that was a long time since your last drink, but would you mind telling me your plan before it happens?”
“We fight, the guards open the cell, and we kill them!”
“Excellent, but you mean beat them, right?”
“Yes, it’s just I haven’t drank for a long time, and I don’t know what I’m talking about sometimes…”
The Italian hit Arnold in the face lightly, and the two became to a ball, screaming to attract the attention of the guards. Two rookies quickly appeared and entered the cell to separate them. Without even understanding what was happening, both of them were unconscious on the ground, naked. The gangsters dressed in their clothes and easily merged with the crowd.
In the arena, things weren’t going well. The heap was attacked headlong all the time, and Leo defended, seemingly already tired.
“Do we help him?”
“How? Do not rush it. This is Leo after all. Surely he has some tactics...”
Galfonino could not even finish his sentence when The Sock found himself on the ground again. The Swede kicked his shield, and the audience roared viciously.
“Death!” the word passed through the crowd like a wave.
“Death!” Arnold shouted too.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Galfonino shouted at him.
“I got excited for a moment... I’m in a role.”
Leo spotted them in the crowd and winked at them.
“I knew there was something. Look for horses...”
“What are you going to do with horses?” Arnie stared in astonishment.
“We’ll ride. What else do you think we can use them for?”
“Dunno, sausages, salami...”
Capone saw the stables and winked at Leo. The Sock immediately got to his feet with a jump from a lying position and directly stuck his sword in the head of his opponent. The crowd became silent. There was only one casual sob somewhere, almost in disbelief of occurring events.
“Yeaaaaa,” someone shouted from the audience, and the crowd roared again.
In the stables, the gangsters had already knocked several guards and saddled three horses.
“Are you aware that I have no idea how to ride a horse?” Continued stubbornly Arnold.
“ It’s pretty easy, that’s what the saddles are for. Just lean on the horse, kick him in the stomach, and shoot towards the forest.”
“How about the axes? Isn’t that what we were looking for?”
“The trees are not very thick, and these swords will do the job. Take those from the guards.”
The noise stopped. The captain went out on the arena with several subordinates, “Send him to prison. The King will decide his fate!”
“Oops, change of plan. We must act before they notice that we are not in jail. And the guards are probably still sleeping, otherwise we would know.”
“Do I feel a plan?”
“Naturally!” The Italian grinned.
They mounted the horses and went on the way to prison to escort Leo, still disguised as guards. The Sock spotted them and quickly tore from the hands of the guards. He threw himself on the free horse and the three men drifted toward the open door leading out of the fort. It all happened very quickly, and before the French could understand, they galloped into the woods and a swarm of arrows whizzed around them. Entering the forest, the gangsters noticed that a small cavalry went out of the fort.
“Quickly operate these Frenchmen. We should lose them before we go to the machine. In the dark, however, be aware of the branches.”
They wandered through the woods for a few hours until they found a small stream. The rocks were convenient for hiding the horses and so the gangsters waited for the morning.
“Any idea where we are?”
“In the forest! I have no idea, Galfo. We’ll think when the sun comes up. Now get some sleep, gather your strength.”
In the morning, the sound of the enemy horses woke them.
“What are we going to do?”
“Shh, quiet before they understand that we’re here.”
An arrow flew past Arnold, “I think they might have seen us!”
“Are you sure?” Sarcastically asked Leo. “Do you know how to use a sword?”
Arnie raised his left eyebrow inperplexity, “Better give me a crook!”
“I thought you were a champion in fencing? Get that log and use it.”
The French flew upon them like mad. The first who arrived was thrown into a coma by Arnold.
“Three years baseball in the little league, baby!” Cried the drunkard over the body of the attacker.
“And this from a man who had a physical
training twenty years ago,” grinned Capone.
“Are you talking about me?” Arnie asked angrily and added proudly. “This morning I made ten sit-ups in one go. Something to say?”
Twenty armed Frenchmen pounced on the gangsters, and their conversation stopped. The battle started for real. Leo and Galfonino, a meter in front of the wall were like a shield and occasionally missed someone who Arnold was finishing with the log. Two archers, however, came from somewhere. Arnie felt the seriousness of the situation, went around the small rocks and got from behind the shooters. With a quick strike, he sent them unconscious. Star duo with the latest strength managed to cope with the attackers, then both leaned on the wall to rest…
“How are they fighting all day, it’s fucking absurd!”
“Did you say something?” Leo asked breathlessly. “Or am I having a heart attack?”
“There’s no meaning, I just want to sit down and come up after three days...”
“There is no time,” Arnold appeared from somewhere. “Others can appear soon, and seeing you, you can’t even speak.”
After nearly two hours of aimless wandering.
“We can’t find it. We must go back to the French fort. From there I remember the path.”
“I see no other way. We have to take the risk.”
“But I have another idea,” said Arnold, “we can return to the rocks where we fought. We will wake someone and "kindly" ask him for directions for the battlefield where the French and Englishmen fought. And as you guessed, the machine is nearby.”
“Wow,” said Leo, “you are a genius. Now I understand how you got here with Macony. Let’s do it before it’s too late.”
It turned out that one or two of the archers attacked by Arnold was still alive and luckily only fainted. The drunkard spilled a cup of cold water from the stream on his face. The youngster seemed to come out of a coma. Initially silent, he began to say something in French…
“Do you speak English?” Leo asked him, but the soldier did not stop babbling in his native language. “Pff, I quit. Arnold, kill him and revive the other.”
At these words, the young man suddenly "learned" English, “I speak English, just don’t kill me.””
“Oh, you are good. You deserve an Oscar for the show! You totally managed to fool us. I want you to take us to the place where yesterday’s battle took place.”
“Yes, sir.”
“And if you lie,” added Galfonino, “I will let Arnold use your head as a baseball. Again! How long is the travel to there?”
“No more than an hour, sir. What is baseball?” The young man asked in surprise.
“It is a game in which your head will be hit with a log again if you guide us to the wrong place. You’ll ride with me. You will be closer that way.”
A few hours later, they managed to reach the desired destination after successfully avoiding several scouts.
“Ehee,” welcomed them Macony already completely sober, “did you get lost in the wilderness? Or you dug iron ore for the axes?”
“Long story. Let’s cut some trees because we may soon have company!”
The Count watched with interest, “With swords?”
“If you want you can go for axes, I’ll draw you a map how to get to the French fort!” Galfonino snapped.
“No need,” Sven smiled, understanding.
The men took the weapons and followed a robust logging. Women were supposed to monitor for enemies, but actually had fun with the prisoner who was teaching them French. At some point, however, distant rumble was heard. It was already night, but the gangsters did not have the strength to even breathe.
“They found us. Everybody, quit what you are doing and run for the machine!” Cried Leo. He gripped the sword and waited for the nearest rider, who apparently left the cavalry behind him and galloped darkly towards the gangsters.
At the last moment, The Sock squatted and cut the legs of the horse with all his strength. The stallion head stuck in the ground and the rider flew ahead, gathering all the mud with his face. Galfonino stood over the head of the Frenchman and smiled, then he kicked him and send him for a nice and long sleep. Incoming attackers, at least fifty people, were already clearly visible. The gangsters and company quickly entered the machine. Capone pushed the button inside, and the door closed instantly. He sat on the panel and started to write some commands on the keyboard like crazy.
“Will someone explain to me what he is doing?” Sven asked nervously, but could not even finish and remained speechless.
A huge hologram appeared before Galfonino showing live environment around the machine divided into different screens.
“Cool!” Said Macony. “Now if you tell me that this tin can make popcorn too, this will definitely be the best 3D movie ever made.”
“As I see how they have circled the machine, we can’t move from here. If it does not reload the energy soon, we will die of hunger and thirst. Hopefully tomorrow the sun will shine, or the work is going to fuck!” Nervously remarked Leo.
“I’m sure that we will get out of here tomorrow at noon. Now I suggest you get some sleep so we can gather strength.”
In the morning, a terrible bomb-like sound awoke them.
“Oh, no no no!” Shouted Capone. “What a fucking bad luck!”
They all looked at the screens and saw the terrible storm outside. It was raining like hell, and dark clouds covered the whole sky.
“And now what do we do?” Arnold asked angrily. “And with no booze around...”
“Does this machine have any weapons?” Inquired Macony.
“There are, but the energy is too low. We barely have enough for life support...”
Another powerful thunder was heard. The French, however, continued to wait in a circle. Some occasionally approached and struck with a sword the strangest thing. Their bewilderment grew.
“At least a lightning can hit these Frenchmen and incinerate them all.”
Galfonino watched with his toilet face, “Arnie, you’re a genius!” Said the Italian and started hitting the buttons again.
“I know!” Grinned the former FBI and DEA agent.
“What are you thinking?” Wondered Cassis.
“Well, after I activate some things on top of the machine, we literally need to pray for a lightning to hit us, which will load all batteries to the top,” smiled widely the Italian.
“Ingeniously! This rain might do a better job. And to think what I had to experience for those trees...”
“Nothing, you know what people say "All bad things lead to good". And voila. Now all we have to do is wait.”
Two hours later, a powerful tremor shook the machine, and the group stared at Capone with hope. Galfonino turned towards them speechless.
“And?” Maggie asked impatiently.
“We have a green light!”
“Finally!” Arnold said. “Oh, alcohol, endless alcohol,” the agent started to sing.
Chapter VIII
The counter turned, and the group teleported back in time at the beginning of the distant XXVI century BC, in a relatively huddled place, but close to Uruk. The gangsters checked the surroundings. Several farmers could be seen here and there, working on their land and at least a kilometer long queue of people, carts, and animals waiting to enter the city. So far, the group seemed to be seeing the most ancient city on the planet. Even at such a distance, they needed time to cast a glance at the large and infinitely long walls. Inside, at the city center towered above all, was Inanna’s temple dedicated to the goddess Ishtar. All paneled with sparkling colored bricks.
“And all that, 4600 plus years before our time?” Indignantly said, Leo. “Galfo, make a picture to show the modern architects how pathetic they are. I might even build me a village in the Rhodope Mountains similarly to this city!” The Sock mysteriously smiled.
“How do you conquer such a thing?” Watched with interest the Italian, then added sheepishly. “And how shall we enter? By looking at the endless queue,
we will need at least three days until our turn comes. Not to mention that these clothes stand out from a mile away.”
“We’ll find clothes,” Mariela smiled. “We’ll just lure somebody by the roadside in the distance. Maggie and I can wave to attract them, then you know what to do.”
“Interesting idea, but what about the tail?” Asked in turn Sven.
“Don’t worry,” raised sly drizzling Arnie. “Just find me decent clothes, a horse, and translate.”
The Count pursed his lips and eyes, trying to guess what the plan of this strange drunkard was.
“Do not think it too much,” the Italian patted him on the shoulder, “that’s how we do it. Everything happens quickly. If you haven’t noticed, we are gods when it comes to improvising. Let’s act.”
The aliens moved away from the end of the long queue and outlined a small caravan of five people approaching with two camels and a large load.
“Do you like Camels?” Capone grinned.
“Yuhuuu,” both of the girls yelled on the roadside and waved to the passing travelers to approach them.
The strangers watched some time still amazed until they decided to come. As they approached, they began to talk some things to the girls who never stopped slyly smiling. Surprised, the locals were quickly sent unconscious from the jumping foreigners. The group changed clothes, but the girls had to dress in men’s clothes because there were no women.
“These clothes stink!” Shocked Maggie complained.
“Be quiet sweety, once we enter the town, I will buy you the best dress!” Galfonino spoke softly. “But please, for now, take the role and be silent.”
The blonde narrowed her vicious eyes…
“I know this look. I won’t get any for a long time...”
So ours had fun while passing along the entire kilometer queue presumptuously. Here and there, some incomprehensible shouting could be heard, but nobody cared to turn. Everybody was following Arnold’s plan this time for a change, or perhaps it was because they had no alternatives at the moment. Sitting on one camel, he was dressed like an Arab owning eight oil wells. Arnie even had his sunglasses on, even though they did not exist at this time, but nobody could argue with him. Their clothes and random stuff from the machine were loaded on the other camel, such as Galfonino’s bazooka from Leo’s Maybach. As the Italian was saying, "One bazooka is never too much". Both girls and Macony walked behind the camels, and Capone and The Sock played as guards and unsettling people around, not that anybody was on their path. They just liked to show that an important person was coming. The Count walked in front, holding the reins of the camel. So they went a kilometer before reaching the huge gates of the city.
Gangsters In Time [Part III] Veni, Vidi, Vici Page 6