by K. A Knight
“Fuck.”
He laughs, throwing his head back before looking at me. My pulse races at how close we have gotten and I grudgingly bring my mind back to business.
“Fine, I'll leave tomorrow morning.” I flop back on the sand, his stare still burning into me. Wait! “You presumptive bastard! Is that why you sent me the sword?”
“Yes, do you know whose it was?”
“No,” I answer honestly, the curiosity getting the better of me.
“Ivar’s. I stole it from him and it's been in my clan ever since. It's said to be the sword that saved the Wastes from invaders before the clans were split.”
Sands below, the idea of touching a sword Ivar used makes me feel sick. “I don’t want that thing.”
“Ivar wasn't always evil. He's a man changed by the Wastes like we all are. Plus, the sword has more history than that. It is rumoured to be King Killer.”
“From the siege which won his castle?” I try to recall the history one of the warriors told me when I was a child about the castle he called home, pre-waste.
“Exactly. It's fitting really.” He lays back down next to me, closer than before, the stars shining down on us. It’s beautiful, but I know somewhere under the same sky is Ivar. That take’s some of the beauty away.
“Why?”
“Because if we succeed and kill Ivar, and have no doubt that we will have to, they will need a new leader. I can't think of anyone better to hold it.”
I can’t think of anything like that. I struggle to even manage myself, never mind a whole clan. I’m quiet for a while. I know I should get up and leave but my own questions keep me here. If I go to The Worshippers, there's no guarantee I’ll come back. It bolsters my courage and I find myself asking something I’ve wanted to know for years.
“Why didn’t you come back?” I resolutely look at the sky, the only way I can get through this conversation.
“I planned on it. Apparently being imprisoned puts a hindrance on plans, I’m not saying I would’ve ridden in like your knight in shining armour, but I would have found you a place in my clan; bought you from Ivar if I had to. I would have done whatever it took to get you.” I nod, and my word vomit continues.
“Did you really kill your father?”
“Yes.” The word is a growl and I turn to him in shock, although I don’t know what I expected.
“Why?” I ask, more curious than anything. He looks at me, his eyes alight with hate.
“Because he was a monster. He was a bad father and a worse leader.”
“And that earned him his death?” I’m not judging, just trying to work out what he means.
“Yes. If he had stayed in power, our people would have died. The only way to stop his reign of terror was to kill him, something I happily accepted. In fact, I relished it, watching the dawning fear in his eyes as I gutted him.” Watching his face change as he speaks about his people, I realize something about this crazy man. He cares for them.
“Ok.” I turn back to the stars.
“What? No protests and cries of disgust?” He sneers, but underneath, I sense his hesitation. Did he fear my reaction? The man who kills and rips people apart with his bare hands?
“No. If you say you had to do it, I believe you. If I had the chance I would kill Ivar without hesitation.” When he doesn't speak, I look at him “I know who and what you are, Dray. No hidden feelings blind me to the animal you are. In all honesty, it's refreshing. I wish I could accept myself like you do…” I trail off as a brilliant smile, devoid of his usual mask breaks free.
“You do not see yourself clearly. You still worry what people will think of you. You have survived that which would break others. Maybe it’s time you embrace the side of you that kept you alive. I’m betting it would be magnificent.”
My heart warms at his words, the truth hitting me like a ton of bricks. Nodding, I push myself to stand. Needing to walk away before I give in to the sexual tension between us, I stop at his next words.
“Nothing will stop me this time, or for the rest of my life. I will always come for you.” He declares it like a promise. Turning, I march up to him and hover above him.
“Why? I don’t get why? You barely know me.”
“Time doesn’t matter to me. I've been tortured for an hour before and it felt like months and I've watched you for years and that feels like minutes. I know you. I know what even you hide from yourself. You are my soulmate.” He shrugs like it’s obvious.
“You believe in soul mates?” I sputter.
“Yes. I might not know how to love, but I know when my soul is pulling me back to you every time, no matter what.”
“Have you ever thought I don’t want to be your soulmate?” I choke on the word.
“It's not a choice, you can fight it all you want.” He smiles at me.
“And you don’t want to?” I ask incredulously.
He snarls and jumps up, his feral grin back.
“I did. For the first few years after I met you, I watched as my soul withered with every punch, whip and broken bone you endured. I offered you a chance, it was going to be a place in my clan. In hopes it would stop whatever this pull is. When I finally came round to the fact that something in me will always want you, I stopped fighting but then it was too late. I was imprisoned by my father, and when I got free, you were gone. I don’t plan on making that same mistake again. I will take you in whatever way I can. And right now, I want you beside me as we fight.”
“Not behind you?” I snark.
“Never. You are a warrior, a Berserker Queen. I would be proud to stand by your side, not the other way around. Now you must get some sleep. It will be a hard couple of days. Unless you want to fuck?” He grins before blending back into the shadows like they welcome him with open arms.
Soul mates. I balk. Sands below, he’s crazier than I thought. Motherfucking soul mates! I snarl and stomp away, but deep inside preening at the words and my stomach is filled with warmth. I must be as crazy as he is, and where does this leave me and the four other guys I’m drawn to?
I spend the walk back planning the next couple of days. I wonder if they will come with me? I have faced down insurmountable odds in The Ring. I have been tortured, abused, betrayed and almost killed more times than I can count. But the idea of facing them again sends more fear into me than facing down any fighter.
What if they turn away from me? What if they don’t want me anymore? What if I hurt them too much? In trying to protect my own heart, I tore theirs out and stomped on it. My Jax, who trusted me to watch his brother and to see his demons. Drax, who fell apart in my arms as his nightmares haunted him. Thorn, who no matter what, I know would always have my back and nothing I did could ever disgust him. And Maxen. The man who taught me to care again, to open my heart. To finally lean on someone and find out what a family means. I face the door, my heart beating double time, my palms sweating, and my chest tight.
I can't lose them. I don’t know what's going to happen in the future. I don’t know if Ivar will find me or if the other clans will kill me on sight. Hell, I could die in my sleep at the hands of an assassin. But I can't live another minute without telling them how I feel, no matter if they don’t forgive me. Steeling my nerve, I open the door to face my future, whether that will be by their side or knowing I could have been. I’m done hiding.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Honesty Train
The door slams shut behind me, announcing my arrival. They all ignore me as they dig into the food on the table. Gritting my teeth, I walk over to where they all can see me and clear my throat. Maxen lifts his head, his expression cold.
“I’m sorry,” I have to push the words out, but once they are said a weight lifts off my chest “I have trust issues.” I cross my arms defensively and wait. Maxen sighs and offers me a sad smile, his face softening.
“I’m sorry too, Mi Alma, I shouldn’t have snapped like that.”
The relief is staggering, but I look at the others. Drax
smiles cheekily at me but sadness still lingers in his green depths.
“I can think of ways you can make it up to me.”
Rolling my eyes, I face his brother. Jax sighs and my heart clenches. I look for any sign of the man I know he hides but it’s like he’s completely locked away from me.
“I can understand where you were coming from, but it hurt.” Swallowing, I nod. “But I forgive you. We are all going to make mistakes, but let’s promise to be truthful with each other from now on.”
Nodding vigorously, I smile at him and he returns it. It brightens his whole face, sending my heart into overdrive. Ok, one more to go. Thorn doesn’t lift his head from where he’s staring intently at the table. His shoulders are tight with tension and he actually flinches as I step closer.
“Thorn?” When he doesn’t reply, I find myself in front of his chair. With my usual confidence returned, I plop myself in his lap, making his head snap up, his eyes locking with mine in shock. Cupping his cheek, I lean my forehead against his.
“I’m sorry, big guy.” His eyes close in bliss and he eventually sighs and wraps his arms around me. In his arms, all the tension and worry fades away, leaving a warmth that spreads through my whole body. How could I ever think I didn’t know them when my body reacts like this to them? He doesn’t speak but the tightness around his eyes speaks volumes.
Looking into his eyes, I know if I hurt him again this deeply it will be the end. Here and now in his arms, I vow to trust him, even if I don’t like the outcome. Breaking our silent conversation, he sighs out his next words.
“I guess I forgive you then.”
I dart in and kiss him before wiggling to face the others. I don’t bother moving off his lap; I think I might need the comfort of his arms before the end of this conversation. A part of me rejoices as they tighten and when he nuzzles into my hair, I almost squeal. I haven’t lost them. Remembering my vow to be honest, I nibble my lip before ploughing right in.
“Ok, while we are on the honesty train, I met with Dray,” Jax’s eyes narrow but the rest just wait for me to carry on, “He told me what he wants from me and I agreed to the job. Know that before I tell you, you don’t have to go with me.”
“As if, sweet cheeks,” Drax snorts. Maxen’s lips twitch and he rubs his thumb across the plump bottom one, making my eyes follow. Clearing my throat, I bring my train of thought back to the conversation.
“Right. Ok. Well, there’s been a summit called. He needs me to go the Worshippers and extend the invitation to their leader.” The words are going down like a lead balloon. Their muttering blends into each other.
“Well, shit,” Drax smiles grimly at me.
“Pretty much. Reeves has already agreed to come. Dray’s thinking is I might be able to use my connections to get us in to see the Worshippers safely.” I wiggle on Thorn's lap, causing him to grip my hips tightly and bite my earlobe. My pussy clenches in response, making me bite my bottom lip against the groan that wants to escape. I raise my eyes and they lock on Drax’s heated ones. Thorn nips my flesh again, harder this time. My eyes stay locked with Drax’s as he watches me rub myself on Thorn.
“And can you?” Maxen asks, oblivious to the sexual tension. Reluctantly, I pull my eyes to him.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve let people live in the ring, I’ve shown mercy and made friends, but that doesn’t mean they will betray their clan for me. The Worshippers aren’t known for being social.” My voice is rough with my desire, almost velvety.
“We are coming with you.” Jax's voice rings out, firm and resolute.
The last shred of doubt falls away. I was worried about going alone. It gets tiring watching your own back, and after being spoilt with them for the last couple of days, I don’t want to go back to being alone. The realisation strikes me like a lightning bolt, freezing me in my spot.
I don’t want to be alone anymore, maybe I never did. My inner wall is nowhere to be found, destroyed by these men. This is the turning point. I could push them away again and they would walk away. Everything in me screams at that idea. Or I could bring them with me. They might not like what they find, but it’s a risk I’m going to have to take. Decision made, I lean back against Thorn.
“Then we leave after breakfast in the morning. It’s at least a three-day ride if we are going flat out. With the raids, I’m not planning many stops so pack enough and be ready for a hard ride.” I twine my fingers with Thorn and he squeezes reassuringly. My conversation with Major resurfaces and so does my curiosity.
“So, what are you doing here?” I hold my hand up to forestall the argument “I’m not accusing you of anything. You said I should have asked, so I am.”
They look between themselves before Maxen clears his throat, “Officially, we were hired by the cities’ government to come to the North and scratch out an agreement with the leaders.”
“And unofficially?”
“They want us to spy on the clan leaders. Also, there are rumours of a place buried in the Wastes unaffected by the world around it. A paradise. The cities are dying. What they don’t want anyone to know is they don’t have enough power or food to hold them for much longer,” Maxen’s voice is hard and laced with anger. Shit, I didn’t realise it was that bad down there.
“They want you to find this place?” I raise my eyebrow in question.
“Yes, they want us to scout it, then report the location back.” Leaning back, he watches me carefully.
“That place doesn’t exist. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard the rumours, but that’s all they are: rumours. All that's left out here is death and destruction, and if you're lucky you find a slice of happiness.”
“Maybe, maybe not. It doesn’t matter anyway,” Drax points out happily.
“Why not?” I tilt my head to the side to watch him, but it’s Maxen who answers again.
“We never planned on going back. If this place existed, we planned to seek sanctuary.”
“And if it didn’t?” The questions swirl in my brain to fast to keep up.
“We would stay in the North. Better we die because of our mistakes out here than at the hands of the government who are culling the poor to stay on top,” Jax almost spits the words out, the venom clear to hear. He clenches his hands into fists on the table, his skin mottling with the force.
“They wouldn’t-” gasping at my imagination throwing image after image at me.
“-they are. Only a small amount for now, but enough for us poor bastards to know. The rich will live while we die like rats on their streets, protecting their walls, collecting their food,” Thorn grumbles behind me.
“So why did they trust you with this?”
“Thorn was born up here. We may have overstretched his knowledge and connections to make sure they sent us. Plus they’ve used us for missions before. We are their elite fighters. We fight and hunt like Northerners. It makes us lethal, they like that.” Maxen smile is devious, shooting a bolt of desire straight to my pussy. The image of hundreds of people being killed soon dampens it. There’s just one more thing I need to know…
“So you don’t plan on going back?”
He smiles at me as if he knows where I’m going with this. As sick as I feel at the mass murder happening down South I know I have to concentrate on one problem at a time. It’s not like I can ride in there and save everyone, even if I want to.
“No.” They all answer unanimously, their voices blending together like a chorus of my favourite song.
“So what will you do?”
Thorn chuckles into my hair and kisses my neck. My heart throbs at the unexpected gentleness.
“We were hoping you would keep us,” his breath hits my sensitive neck as he speaks, causing me to shiver.
“Either that or we stalk you across the Wastes. Your choice really,” Drax winks, but I have a feeling he’s serious.
“Fuck, you’re all mad,” I groan, but inside I’m happy dancing at the thought of spending the rest of my days, however many that
may be, with these warriors.
“You love it,” Drax declares happily.
Damn right I do. Having not one, but four, maybe five, men that can keep up with me? Who needs paradise?
◆◆◆
Staring out at the Wasteland, the night's breeze brushes against me. The guys went to bed a while ago. I told them I would be in after packing up. But really, I needed some space, just to try and think of a plan that won’t get us all killed.
“Can’t sleep?”
Jumping, I turn around to see Maxen leaning against the door frame. I didn't even hear him come out, my thoughts too distracted by what is to come.
“No, I keep thinking of different ways we can get into The Worshippers compound. Paths to follow, our options if captured…” I trail off, rubbing my head.