“What happened to him?” I ask.
“He was eighteen when he hanged himself at a friend’s party. I was twenty-one and in my second year at Florida State. I wasn’t even around to see the signs,” he explains and the guilt in his voice is unmistakable. “At first we thought there might have been drugs involved but the toxicology report showed that his mind was as clear as day when he made that choice.” His voice catches when he speaks the next part. “Our family…it was ugly for a long time and there are still days. It really pulled us apart. My mom blamed my dad for pushing him too hard, I blamed myself for not being a bigger part of his life and in a way I think I also blamed the twins for taking up for much of my mom’s attention. How fucked up is that? They were only ten years old.” He hangs his head and I get up on to my knees and pull his face into my chest.
“I think blame is pretty normal reaction to tragedy. You love your little brothers so much and anyone can see that,” I whisper, placing a kiss atop his head. “Is that why you have the tattoo?” I ask and he gives me a sad smile.
“It’s from the bible. ‘Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning’. I went through a pretty dark time after his death. It’s probably one of the reasons that I have the reputation I do and why I’ve tried so hard to keep people at a distance. It wasn’t until I found this quote that I really started feeling whole again and the tattoo reminds me every day to hold on through the pain because there’s light at the end of the tunnel,” he explains. “I know I will always feel Connor’s loss and it will never go away but there are the bright moments that shine down that remind me why life is worth living.”
“That is beautiful.”
“It’s been a long time since I’ve talked about him,” he says, his voice muffled against my chest.
“I hope you will keep talking about him. That’s what I’m here for,” I say, keeping my arms firmly looped around his neck.
“You are my bright moment, Carmelina,” he whispers so softly that I almost don’t hear him.
“Shane?” I say and his eyes are bright with moisture when he looks up at me. “I love you,” I whisper. My pulse is pounding as I say the words but as soon as they are out I feel a calmness wash over me like I’ve never felt before. Somehow the air around me all of the sudden feels a bit lighter.
His beautiful mouth breaks into a smile so wide that it cracks right through the walls around my heart and I lower my head until our lips are touching.
“I love you too,” he breathes, kissing me tenderly. “Let’s not fuck this up,” he adds and I laugh against his mouth.
“Amen,” I answer as we fall back on to the floor together tangled in each other’s arms.
Chapter 17
The next month flies by as Shane and I spend more and more time together. During the day when I’m at work and he’s at practice or a game I immerse myself in research on my story but at night we try to see each other as much as we can when I’m not working shifts at Fantasy - which he still thinks is Yagger’s. We check out the live music downtown, hit up the local breweries and explore as much of Austin’s outdoorsy side as we can.
Sometimes we go out for dinners and other times I cook for him at my place where we always end up hot and heavy on the sofa before falling asleep in each other’s arms. Sometimes the sex is slow and sweet and other times it’s quick and dirty but each time is better than the last if that’s even humanly possible. While we talked about only being intimate with each other while figuring this thing out we still don’t talk much about the future. But something definitely shifted for us both that day up in his treehouse and although this relationship stuff is new for both of us neither of us is ready to let go of what we have. The truth is that I fall harder for him every time I see him and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to let go.
Though he hasn’t said it I think he feels the shift too because he’s bugging me more and more about accompanying him on his away games. When I tell him that I can’t just up and leave because it interferes with my job we always seems to end up in a fight. Like the one we had last night where I called him a ‘sexist pig who values his career above mine’ and he called me ‘stubborn and uncompromising’. Fortunately for us both it ended with me bent over the sofa and him driving his point into me until I was begging him to let me come. I guess I shouldn’t expect anything less from Shane since he approaches life with the same single-minded intensity he does soccer.
It’s a quarter to five on Friday night and I need to be at Fantasy Lounge in an hour for the shift I’m covering. It’s not until I head back into the kitchen for a snack that I get his text.
Shane: Practice wrapped early. Been thinking about you all day.
Carmelina: That’s sweet.
Shane: Trust me when I say my thoughts haven’t been all that sweet. You make it hard for a man to concentrate on his work.
Carmelina: How hard?
My fingers fly across the keys before my brain can catch up and a giggle escapes my lips.
Shane: I’m on my way over.
Carmelina: Don’t. I have to leave for work in less than twenty minutes.
Shane: You’re working again.
Carmelina: I picked up an extra shift :-(
Shane: I haven’t seen u in 2 days.
Carmelina: It’s just one more day then.
Shane: Fuck it, I’ll come to the bar. I’m heading to my car right now.
Carmelina: No.
Shane: Why not?
Carmelina: You know why.
Shane: I know that the place is a dive that you are embarrassed to work at. So quit.
Carmelina: I’m not having this fight with you again. Not by text.
Shane: Quit.
Carmelina: Shut up Shane.
Shane: It’s a long way to drive for minimum wage. You probably spend more in gas getting there than you make.
I don’t know why he keeps it up when he knows that every time he offers pay my bills I damn near hit the roof. In the bedroom I love him taking charge but everywhere else I figure he can just shove it.
Carmelina: Not really interested in an economics lesson right now.
Shane: Damn, u have no idea how much I want to teach that cheeky mouth of yours a lesson. Call in sick?
Carmelina: I really can’t. I picked up the extra shift for a co-worker and I can’t leave them short.
Shane: I guess this means I have no excuse to skip Marco’s birthday.
Carmelina: I thought you hated that guy?
Shane: I do but the whole team is going. I was hoping you’d be my better plans.
Carmelina: Sorry to disappoint. Where’s he celebrating?
Shane: No idea.
Carmelina: Go out with the guys and enjoy yourself.
Shane: I won’t. I’ll be thinking of all the other ways I’d rather be enjoying myself - like burying myself deep inside you.
Carmelina: !!!!!
Shane: Don’t pretend you don’t love it.
Carmelina: GOODBYE SHANE.
Shane: Drive safe. I love you.
Carmelina: You too. Have fun and I’ll talk to you tomorrow xoxox
Shane: Call me before you go to bed?
Carmelina: Prob a late one - home after 2am. Will call u in the morning.
Shane: Grrr
I sigh deeply as I toss my phone back on to the counter. I hate lying to him about the Fantasy Lounge but things are already strained between us when it comes to my second job - or at least when it comes to the job he thinks I have. I didn’t tell him at first partly because I wasn’t prepared for his reaction and partly because I didn’t think it was his business but now that we are together he definitely has a right to know. I can only imagine his reaction when he finds out what I’m really doing. And while I know that I should take Matty’s advice and just tell him it never feels like the right time. Shane and I got serious way faster than I ever would have anticipated and now that we’ve been together for a almost a few months I don’t know how to back-t
rack. But short of driving out of town and begging the owner of Yagger’s to hire me I can’t see any good way out of this so I guess I will just have to lay all my cards out on the table and hope for the best. If he hates me he hates me and there’s nothing I can do about that but at least I won’t be living with this secret looming over me.
I bang my head against the kitchen cupboards as I curse my current predicament. As much as it sucks I know I have to just put on my big girl panties and take responsibility for the situation that I created. Now that Shane and I have gotten to know each other better hopefully he will see past what I do to who I am and then maybe we can move forward. After all it’s only a job and a well-paying one at that. It doesn’t define me. He will just have to see that.
“I’ll tell him tomorrow,” I say out loud to myself, the only response coming from the ticking of the clock on the wall. I repeat the mantra again a few more times in my head and it makes perfect sense. Only one more shift to get through until we can sit down and hash this thing out together. What a kick ass plan.
Chapter 18
“Table six wants two more boiler makers and table eleven keeps asking where the one who looks like the Victoria’s Secret model went,” Rick rambles on but I cut him off.
“I don’t know why people keep making that comparison!”
“I’m just telling it like it is, baby girl.”
I slam the two beers and two whiskey shots on to my tray and stomp back over to table six. I’m in a foul mood because the place is near-empty and the last two tables stiffed me with less than ten percent which means I’ll be losing money in the tip-out tonight. Matty, who easily reads my mood, has been trying to handle me with kid gloves but even he can see that I’m about to blow and when Rick approaches again and touches my arm I almost rip his head off.
“Dammit, what?” I yell and he backs away with his hands raised in surrender. It is a gesture that a man who lives with five women is probably pretty used to making.
“I just want to talk, baby girl,” he says in a soothing voice. “Crystal’s not coming in again. Crying on the phone about her boyfriend or some shit. I need you to go on.”
“What’s the point?” I snap back as I survey the room again. “There are only a half a dozen people in here so I won’t make anything in tips.”
“I’ll give you a hundred dollars,” he quickly offers and I do a mental calculation in my head of what I need to make to pay the last round of my mother’s bills.
“Make it two hundred for two songs and you have a deal,” I negotiate.
“Nah, baby girl, for that price I need three songs.”
I begrudgingly agree and head over to let Matty know but when I tell him he just shakes his head. “It’s a bad idea, Carm, I can feel it in the air. Something’s not right.”
“Well unless your hunch is going to pay my rent I don’t want to hear about it,” I yell at him but he doesn’t even flinch.
“Don’t make this about money. If you don’t want to do it then don’t do it,” he says flatly.
“It’s always about money, Matthew. You and I both know that.” This time when I use his full name he does flinch but I don’t stick around to hear any more of his lecturing. For a guy that partied his ass off the last ten years of his life doing things that most people only read about he’s sure being judgmental tonight.
I open my locker backstage and take out the ice blue thong and push up bra set that matches my eyes perfectly. I only have two outfits that I leave here and this is my favorite one. I change into the lingerie and slip on a pair of strappy silver heels before taking my place behind the curtain. I’ve picked Ginuwines ‘Pony’ as my first song which is about as clichéd as you can get for a strip bar but it’s a lot of fun to dance to so I don’t care. I pull back the curtain and listen as the DJ gives my introduction.
“Ladies and gentleman let’s welcome the lovely Carmen to the stage!” He uses a stage name for me and I’m thankful for it as I step forward through the curtains. The music starts up and I do a lap of the stage before grabbing on to the brass pole in the middle. I lift myself up and flip over into a handstand before righting myself and spinning around the pole. All of the work at the gym I’ve been doing has given me enough muscle to try out some of the harder moves the regular girls showed me. I try one out now, doing an upside down windmill before sliding to the ground in the splits. I’m getting decent applause and some whistles from the few people in here. I crawl to the edge of the stage to accept a few tips into the waistband of my panties. I slowly get to my feet and walk back to the pole where I run my body up and down it before executing a reverse spin. This time the round of applause is louder and before I know it the next song has switched on. That means it’s time for me to lose the top so I take a deep breath and release the front clasp on the push up bra.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror behind the bar as I take my breasts into my hands and work my hips in circles. Unfortunately this vantage point also gives me a clear view of the front door so I see him come in before he sees me. Despite the dim lights I recognize his face instantly and I gasp and bite down on my lip hard. He’s with a few guys from the team, one of whom is Marco, and they are joking around and slapping each other on the back. Marco leads the way to the front row of seats and I feel the bile roll up and settle in the back of my throat. It is Marco who notices me first and his eyes widen in surprise. I stop dancing and slap my hand over my mouth to keep myself from being sick all over the stage.
“Mitchell!” Marco calls to him and Shane’s head whips around as his eyes latch on me. It seems to take him a few seconds to process what he is seeing and in that space of time his expression changes from shock, to disbelief to pure, unadulterated fury. And as if things couldn’t get any worse Marco looks me up and down like I’m on the menu and lets out a low whistle. “Damn Mitchell, you are a lucky man.”
Shane nostrils flare and he raises a fist to hit him but at the last minute he seems to change his mind. Instead he rushes over to the stage and I let out a yelp as he grabs me and throws me over his shoulder in a fireman’s hold. The bouncer named Sledge is at our side in an instant and placing one of his big, meaty hands on Shane’s arm. Shane digs his free hand into his pocket and produces a wad of cash which he hands over to Sledge.
“You know who I am?” he asks and the baby-faced Sledge nods reluctantly.
“Look man, I’m already on probation so I can’t get into a fight. And if I don’t get my girl off of this stage right now there’s going to be one, you get me?”
Sledge just stares at him as he continues. “Keep the money for yourself or buy everyone in the place a round, I don’t give a shit. Either way I’m taking this one with me.” Shane’s tone leaves no room for argument but Sledge doesn’t respond right away as the two of them lock into some kind of staring contest. The other patrons boo at the interruption except for Shane’s teammates who are just standing there open-mouthed. Sledge seems to finally accept his offer because before I know it he’s backed off and Shane is carrying me down the hall into the staff area.
“Put me down!” I shout and he slaps my ass in response. He walks us backstage and slams the door behind him before setting me down.
“How long, Carmelina?” he says in a voice that’s barely restrained.
“What does it matter?” I ask, wiping away the tears that are falling off my nose.
“HOW LONG?” he thunders.
“I started here about four years ago,” I whisper.
“Four years?” Four fucking years?” he screams and I’m trembling all over because I’ve never seen him this mad before. His expression is murderous.
“Why?” he barks at me.
“Why?” I challenge as my indignation starts to override my fear. “I have bills to pay that’s why! Do you even know what the student loans on a four year degree are Mr. Scholarship? Add to that paying the rent, utilities, and cable on two places, groceries and car insurance? There is no way I could do it on minimum
wage and I make barely more than that at the paper.” After I finish my speech I find that my legs are shaking so hard that I have to slide down to the floor. “I really am a waitress here. Rick just asks me to help out once in a while. I told him no lap dances or VIP.”
When I say ‘lap dances’ he inhales a breath and closes his eyes. “Rick better not be here tonight because I plan on breaking all ten of his fingers.”
“Don’t be an idiot! It’s his job!”
“That’s rich - you are telling me not to be an idiot?” he laughs humorlessly. “What about you Miss ‘serious journalist’? Do you really think this is going to help your career?” He says and the sarcasm in his voice is impossible to miss.
“I’m in print journalism, Shane. I use a fake name and like I said it’s only once in a while.”
“This stops now,” he says firmly.
“You don’t run my life. You can’t tell me what to do.”
“The fuck I can’t. No one sees you naked but me,” he snarls.
“It’s not naked - it’s only topless,” I try to explain but he cuts me off.
“NO ONE!” he roars, standing over me. “Are we clear?”
I turn my head away from him when he asks and cross my arms over my bare chest but I make no move to get up. He looks at me then, really looks at me, as his eyes skim over my body.
“Half of my team saw your tits tonight,” he says more to himself than to me and when I don’t answer he punches one of the lockers behind my head. He leaves a huge dent in it but it doesn’t seem to be enough because he punches at it again and again while screaming, “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”
I scramble to my feet to try and stop him. “Your hands,” I say, stepping between him and the lockers and taking his bloodied fist in mine. He pulls his hand away from me but at least I manage to stop him from hurting himself any more. He’s breathing heavily and staring at the ground so I take the opportunity to quickly grab a blanket from the back of the sofa to wrap around myself. The door opens and Matty comes rushing in with his eyes trained on me.
On His Turf Page 17