Shortly, I opened my eyes partway through a song and there was Ellery, dancing opposite me, a little bit shyly, not too close. And damn, the man actually could dance. He'd loosened his collar and opened his jacket, and he had the moves.
Gone was the awkward, nervous Ellery from everyday life, and here instead was short, cute perfection. He looked trim and fit, edible in his perfect suit. His stance was relaxed; he was enjoying himself, and he danced with skill. He clearly loved it and found it just as relaxing as I did.
He looked up and saw me and smiled, moving a little closer. "I love this song," he confided.
"Yeah," I agreed, although I was less aware of the music than I'd been a moment ago.
Shit, what was I doing? Staring at my best friend? No way was I going there.
Cut it out, Pete, I told myself, and with an effort, got back into the music, the dancing, and feeding off the emotions around us. Except now I was aware of his emotions most of all. And it was good: he felt happy, relaxed, free. Like he was flying.
The room fed off our energy as I fed off it. Soon the dance floor was full, though most of the guys there were only average dancers. Ellery and I were easy; we danced with almost anyone who asked, but kept it light. No bumping and grinding, just fun.
Neither one of us stayed with a partner for long, and we seemed to find each other in the crowd easily, dancing together again for at least a little bit, feeling grounded, before moving off again to have more fun apart.
I really enjoyed that evening.
I didn't need a big buzz to get into it, although I did have another drink later, and after that a club soda when I was getting hot from dancing. The club filled up, and a couple of people started getting grabby in the mash, so I decided it was probably time to sit out a couple of dances.
I headed to the table area. One of the guys I'd danced with gestured to me to join him, smiling in a welcoming and admiring way. I shook my head and looked around for Ellery. He waved quickly from a back table, beer in hand, and I felt a smile light up my face as I hurried over to join him.
"Hey." I slid into the seat next to him and slid an arm around him, leaning into his space. He smelled of good clean sweat, and very nice. "That was fun, huh?" I pressed my face against his hair, aware of people watching. I didn't think Ell would mind me using him as cover, since I didn't actually want to go home with anyone.
He snuggled against me, clearly having the same idea, and fit his hand into mine confidingly. His hand was smaller than mine, elegant and slim, and cool and damp from holding his drink. "Yeah," he agreed. "I'm getting kind of tired, though. Do you mind if I go?"
"Not at all. I was thinking the same thing."
He smiled at me with those amazing eyes of his, gratitude and something else in them. He felt warmly towards me — a feeling I shared towards him.
"Thanks. That was fun," he said softly.
When the cab arrived, we headed out, waving and blowing kisses to our 'fans.'
"You cuties better come back, now," a big, friendly drag queen called to us, blowing a kiss and batting false lashes.
"We will!" Ellery's hand closed over mine and squeezed. It was kind of nice that we were on the same page about looking like a couple. It was easier that way right now.
A wolf whistle was another man's goodbye to us, his eyes flashing in a grin. He was dressed like a construction worker, and certainly had the body to pull it off. He was having a lot of fun tonight so far.
"It's just like Dancing With the Stars," said another man in a camp voice. His face was friendly, and he gave us a wink. He didn't even add, "The short stars." Nobody had teased us about our height at all, and I'd felt really welcome and at home there.
Ellery and I tumbled into the cab again, laughing, after the last goodbyes. Ellery turned to me and hugged me, squeezing tight, hiding his face against my shirt to muffle his laughter.
I squeezed him back, just as happy. He felt so light inside, like bubbling champagne, and it only fed my own good mood. Damn, it was nice to have a friend to go out with. That had been so much more fun than going by myself. We'd also gotten a lot of enjoyable attention.
It was dark in the cab, and warm and comfortable despite the hour. The driver was silent, on the job, not projecting emotions strongly at all. It felt private here together in the back seat, cocooned. We passed through the well-lit parts of the city: takeout restaurants open all night, little diners, haughty investment firms, expensive apartment buildings, the works.
"That was nice," said Ellery, pulling back at last. He looked at me with shining eyes. The passing street lights were reflected in his liquid, mirror-bright eyes. He felt very warmly towards me.
And then he took my face in his hands and kissed me.
Uh-oh.
After the first startled moment, I kissed him back, but my heart pounded anxiously, and fear began to ripple through me. What did he think tonight had been — a real date? What if he wasn't being my beard, pretending that we were a couple? What if he meant it?
Oh, not Ellery!
He was cute and everything, but my heart sank at the thought. Ell was my friend, my buddy — my only one, really. I didn't want to lose him. If he wanted to sleep with me, it would mess things up so much, the way it always did. We might not even be able to stand working in the same building together by the end, if it went really poorly.
I thought of hot, funny Damon, and sweet, sexy Colin, and my dear pocket David, Angel with his soft, dark eyes. Oh, Ell was a little like each of them, I suppose, and in nice ways. He was fun and my friend; he was gentle and classy, and he was short and handsome. But I couldn't let anything like that happen between us. I couldn't lose him, too.
After the kiss, we drew apart. I gave him a smile as nicely as I could, but it must've been sad or strained or something, because he stopped looking so enchanted.
He swallowed his smile and looked at me in alarm. "What? No?" he asked.
I shook my head and squeezed his hand. "Maybe not," I said, very softly. I gave his hand a gentle shake. "That was very nice, though. I'm flattered."
I wasn't flattered; I was terrified. But it had been a nice kiss all the same. He had very soft lips, and he'd kissed me carefully but like he meant it, not like he was trying to eat me alive or tease me.
He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, looking consternated and flustered, a tinge of color touching his cheeks up, brightening his color with embarrassment.
I kept hold of his hand when he would have drawn away, and gave him another gentle shake. Then I released him.
He sat a little farther away from me and stared ahead or out the window, composing himself. He'd gone very quiet, inside and out. He wasn't smiling, but I didn't get the feeling he was hurt or angry, just reassessing things. I hoped he'd be able to pull it off without feeling too upset or humiliated.
I didn't want to lose his friendship.
#
When we got back to the Shardwell Group's skyscraper, I paid the driver, tipped him, and headed inside, hurrying after Ellery. He still looked very good in his suit, though it was a bit crumpled now from all the dancing.
He wasn't angry with me, more resigned, but I wanted to apologize anyway and try to explain.
I slipped into the elevator with him on the way up, before the doors could close. "I'm sorry," I said. "I'm not going to be dating anyone for some time, if ever again. I'm only hooking up from now on — and I can't risk our friendship that way." I looked at him, hoping he understood what I meant.
He stared at me with a face that revealed no emotion at all, yet at the same time managed to make me feel like an alien from another planet whose thought process he couldn't comprehend.
"It's not that you're not hot. You're very good-looking," I reassured him. "And the kiss was nice. Very flattering."
"Nice?" He raised an eyebrow, his lips twitching. "Okay." He closed his eyes for a moment, scrubbed at his hair with a restless hand, and sighed. "So . . . we were not on a date, not even a sort-of
date," he said, just to get it clear.
"No. I thought we were on the same page. Sorry if I led you on."
He opened his eyes and looked at me and gave me a very nice smile then. It was gentle, almost tender. "No, no. Don't worry about that." He touched my arm, giving it a gentle and reassuring squeeze. "I don't feel that way about it."
Now I was very relieved. "So we'll still be friends? You'll let me know if I'm crossing the line or something?"
"Of course." He touched my sleeve lightly, a gesture meant to reassure.
"But will you, though?" I stared at him, smiling a little. "Or will you let me walk all over you?"
"I'm not into that," said Ellery with a straight face, and then he gave me a wicked grin, the laughter dancing in his eyes. He touched my arm again, a gentle touch, cherishing almost, and yet very reassuring and not at all sexual. It felt good — very good. "Seriously, Peter, don't worry about it. It's fine."
"Uh. Okay." I drew back a little, strangely flustered. He looked edible in his suit. I'd definitely not thought of him that way before tonight, and yet I'd always been aware he was cute, and gay, and felt very friendly towards me.
Had I missed it all along, that he was attracted to me? I was usually pretty aware of such things.
He made an effort to set me at ease, and it worked so well that by the time we got to his place, we were both chatting and reminiscing about the enjoyable evening we'd shared.
"Sorry I can't ask you in for a nightcap," he teased, waggling his eyebrows outrageously. I laughed, as he'd intended me to, and he leaned on my arm, giving me a brief half-hug. "Let's do this again, though. Soon."
"Yes. We'll be regulars. We'll set the place on fire with our amazing dance moves."
He grinned. "And I'll wear my tux next time, whatever you say about it. I'll look like James Bond."
I smiled affectionately at my short, cute friend. He would never look like James Bond. "You'll look amazing," I promised, cuffing him gently on the cheek.
A touch of color on his cheeks was the only outward sign of his embarrassment, but he was touched by my words. He didn't seem to feel at all humiliated or angry about being turned down, and he really did mean to keep on being my friend.
He was one in a million, Ellery.
Chapter nine
After that we were both far too busy to go clubbing for a while. Between one thing and another, I felt lucky to even see him once a day, and a movie was a very special treat, although we both always fell asleep before the end. That was kind of a comfort, though — sleeping so easily and next to my buddy. We always seemed to end up more or less curled against one another.
Although sleeping in weird positions on his couch sometimes gave me a back or neck ache, it was worth it. We were very comfortable together.
I was still flattered that he'd been interested in me that way — and very relieved and grateful he wasn't going to pout about it not being reciprocated, or jostle for more.
No, he seemed content to be my friend, but now I caught underneath everything else what I'd missed for so long: he admired me. There was fondness and friendship in his gaze when he looked at me, but it was more than that, too. He'd been so circumspect about the torch he was carrying for me I'd completely missed the flame.
#
Kevin was called away on an important and rather intense trip to China. Of course, he needed me to come along. He also needed an interpreter, and company policy had recently ordered bodyguards to accompany him and me on overseas trips. They were circumspect but dangerous all the same. It was a bigger group than our usual two-man band.
I missed the intimacy of it being just him and me, and I missed not being allowed to wander off on my own. Now I was accompanied by a tour guide and a bodyguard instead of being on my own. I suppose it was just as well, since I didn't speak the language.
We were there a long time, struggling with the cultural differences, touring factories, making business contacts, attending lavish dinner parties and meeting people in positions of power. There was a lot to sort through with my talent.
I was more overwhelmed than not most of the time. There was a lot of dishonesty in some of the CEOs, and I had severe misgivings about several of the bigger corporations courting us. Two of the tours were deceptive as well, hiding the usual working conditions under a veneer of respectability. The third tour I had no clear reading about, but I was so uneasy from the other two, I didn't know what to tell Kevin. I really, really wanted to go home.
I called Ellery and talked to him on the phone sometimes. He sounded as tired and stressed as I was. There were a lot of important contract negotiations coming due all at once, and his vacation had been postponed so he could deal with them. He sounded so tired and worn down. I wished I was there to give him a hug — and to get one. Ell gave great hugs.
"I'll be home soon and we'll go dancing," I promised him, lame comfort against his intense stress levels.
"Yeah," he agreed in a lackluster voice. "Dancing. Honestly, I just want to sleep for a week, Peter. I miss you," he added quietly.
"I miss you too." I felt awkward. "I gotta go. There's noodles to eat, committees to sit in on." I spoke more blithely than I felt. There were indeed noodles I wanted to eat — so many great food choices there — but I really didn't want to sit in on any more committees.
When I hung up, my face felt funny. As I was still composing it, Kevin stepped into the hotel room and caught sight of me. He stopped.
Alarm bells began ringing inside him loudly. He remembered to breathe, and moved towards me slowly and carefully, as if approaching a wounded animal. "Pete?" he asked me.
I composed my face as best I could and gave him a trying-to-be-bright smile. "Hey, Kevin."
He sat down on the bed with me, put an arm around my shoulder, and searched my gaze. I really hoped I wasn't going to start crying or doing something equally emotional. I was usually pretty good about not letting him see me upset.
He massaged my shoulder gently with one hand, squeezing the tight muscles in a comforting way. His face was open and concerned for me, and he radiated not judgment but real caring. How had I gotten so lucky? There was no boss as good as Kevin, none. He cared that I was upset and stressed out. Who actually ever cares about that?
"You need to go home, don't you?" he asked.
I shrugged, not wanting to admit it.
"You could fill out a ten-page form assessing your own mental and emotional wellbeing, including the essay section," he said. "Or you could just admit it now. It's okay."
"You're worn out, too," I accused.
"Yes. But I don't have to feel it all. You're far more valuable to the company — and to me — than any of these deals. We can cut the trip short now and go home."
I remembered to breathe. "Really? You're sure it's okay?"
"Of course." He gave me a quick, careful hug, only slightly awkward, and a pat on the back. "I want your health to be top priority, Pete. That's always got to be the case, or you'll leave, and then where will I be?"
I sensed the realness in what he'd said. He would miss me a lot. He'd come to count on me, to like me. He didn't want me to be hurt or to leave.
"Okay," I breathed. "Okay. Um. I'm worried about Ellery, too, to be honest. It's . . . he's really overwhelmed."
Kevin's face changed. He looked quite fierce. "Are they overloading him?"
"He didn't say so, but he's really busy and stressed. A lot of contracts and such."
"Damn it," said Kevin, startling me deeply. He never swore — never. He reached for his phone, scowling. "I'm sorry, Pete. I have to make some calls immediately. No one is allowed to risk Ellery's health for any reason — no matter how significant the contracts are. He has his vacation time set aside for a reason, and I'm going to find out why it's been pushed back."
For the next twenty minutes, I sat in awe, listening to my boss. He paced back and forth, his language precise, even cutting. He would accept nothing less than a real explanation for the problem and
insisted that it immediately be rectified.
The explanation was sadly simple. Higher-ups wanted the contracts looked at. One of the psychiatrists had said Ell was fine to keep working. The other was uncertain. Erin had a week off for illness, and the person who had stepped into her spot in the company didn't know Ellery's warning signs.
Basically, he'd said he was fine, but he wasn't, and she hadn't realized the significance of making him fill out detailed forms about his health. It was long, drawn out, and rather bureaucratic — but it was also a way to measure how he was doing. Perhaps most importantly of all, it was a way to get an honest answer from him. Erin always knew to assign extra and more frequent forms when she was worried about him.
Ellery's disposition was nervous, and he didn't like making waves. It was extremely hard for him to say, "Sorry, important and expensive business deals need to wait. I'm too stressed." It was hard for him to admit he was doing poorly at all, but especially under such circumstances.
Ell was the kind of guy who'd spend his whole life trying desperately to pretend he was okay. It felt incredibly weak and wrong to him to admit he wasn't. Even when he really needed to admit it.
I listened in awe as my boss fixed the problem. "If anyone up the chain questions the decision, please refer them to me. Have him flown in the private jet. Yes, I'll cover any extra costs from my personal account, if they aren't approved. Believe me, I'll be speaking to several people when I get back." It sounded like a threat when he said it in that tone. "Yes. I believe there will be some explaining. Very well. I'll see you shortly."
He hung up, his mouth tight, his feelings still angry. "Things shouldn't go to pot so thoroughly without me or Erin there. It's ridiculous, and it has to change." He refocused on me, and with effort, calmed himself down. It was a relief; I wasn't used to seeing him so angry. "Now, we'll head back tomorrow. I'll make our apologies tonight, and you don't have to do anything else business-related until you've had a decent rest." A thought occurred to him. "Have you been to the island?" He meant the one where Ell often took his vacations.
KEEP (Men of the ESRB Book 2) Page 14