by Chloe Seager
‘You mean boring?’
posted by EditingEmma 11.05
In the Girls’ Toilets
I’ve wasted five minutes of break waiting for the loo. Whoever is in there is taking a really, really long time.
Oh come on.
posted by EditingEmma 11.09
Finally, Crazy Holly came out (of course) and said, ‘Sorry, I was dismantling a bomb.’
I smiled and went into the loo. Then I heard her say, ‘No need to thank me for saving your life.’
posted by EditingEmma 11.21
The Strangest Places to Masturbate
Crazy Holly’s toilet activity somehow segued into a very interesting discussion. I sat down with Faith, Gracie and Steph.
‘What were you doing?’ Steph asked.
‘Crazy Holly was in the stall for AGES. Do you think she was masturbating?’
‘Ew, Emma!’ Gracie exclaimed.
‘Do people do that in school?’ Steph asked.
‘I don’t know. Maybe Holly.’
‘My sister has a friend who goes to the beach at night, takes off his socks and puts his feet in the water, and masturbates,’ continued Steph. ‘He says it’s a very sensual experience.’
‘My brother knows a boy who does it when he’s driving the car, and he makes eye contact with other drivers and everything,’ Faith added.
This somehow led to various confessions.
Faith – has done it in a plane bathroom. (‘It was a long flight,’ she added. I commented that this sort of qualifies her for the mile-high club.)
Me – I have done it in a Topshop changing room. (It was actually M&S Clothing, and there were lots of old people around doing their shopping, but Topshop sounds distinctly less creepy.)
Steph – has done it in my bed. (‘I hope I wasn’t in it at the time,’ I said. She assured me that I was not.)
Gracie – ‘doesn’t masturbate’. (Which I refuse to believe.)
‘How can you not masturbate?’ I goaded her again.
‘Because… it’s weird.’
‘But sex isn’t?’
‘No. Sex is with another person. On your own it’s just… awkward.’
‘I’d say it’s probably much more awkward with another person.’
posted by EditingEmma 13.07
Thoughts I Had in French
I wonder where other people have masturbated?
Has someone masturbated on the chair I’m sitting on?
Did Madame Fournier say ‘les orgasms’?
Oh, no, she said ‘les organes’.
And now I can’t stop picturing Madame Fournier masturbating. Get out!! Get out!!!
Think of something else!!
Leon masturbating.
NO.
Paolo masturbating.
NO NO.
At one point, they were all in a room doing it together. It’s been an exhausting few hours.
posted by EditingEmma 14.20
Sitting Outside English Class
I was walking over to English, trying to distract myself from thinking about Biology with Leon tomorrow. I was imagining myself as a well-travelled eighteen-year-old who does sports and wears fancy clothes, and ignoring that I am actually a sixteen-year-old who has been on a couple of holidays to Tenerife, can barely walk without falling over and whose mum still buys her oversized knickers ‘in case I grow out of them’.
I was just in the middle of forgetting Leon, when Leon sprang on me from round a corner. I was so startled I threw my folder up in the air, then when I realised it was him my heart started pounding so hard I was a little scared it was actually an alien life form readying itself to explode out of my chest.
He just stood, watching over me as I scrabbled for my papers on the floor.
‘What are you doing? I mean, what do you want?’ I asked.
‘Nothing. I have a message.’
I stood up and looked him in the eye. (The big, brown, incredibly beautiful eye.) He was staring really hard at the bit of wall behind me.
‘Laurence wants to know what’s going on with you two.’
I was speechless.
‘Come on, Emma, I think he has a right to know.’
‘I…’
‘You’re being a bit cruel, don’t you think?’
The hypocrisy.
‘Oh yeah, because, it’s not like you ever dumped anyone without saying anything, or anything. Is it?’
He started to walk away.
‘In fact, I was never even going out with Laurence! You’re worse! Or maybe you didn’t dump me… maybe we’re still going out!! How would I even know??’ I shouted at his back, running a little bit to keep up with him.
So now I’ve literally been reduced to chasing him around school. How did that happen?
Ten minutes later I got to English.
‘Emma, you’re really, really late,’ said Ms Parker.
‘I know, I…’
‘No, don’t bother. Wait outside. I’m sick of you to be honest.’
Ouch… And now I’m sitting outside crying. I never thought the day would come… Crying because I’m banned from English class.
Could this day get any worse?
posted by EditingEmma 16.02
End of School
Oh yes, it could. Mum just rang, saying she got a call from the school and ‘what was I playing at’. And we haven’t even been back a week. I’m going round to Steph’s tonight, to hide.
posted by EditingEmma 17.28
At Steph’s
Having tea with Steph, Faith and Gracie. It won’t be long now until Gracie suggests getting a board game out, then gets so competitive she throws something at my head.
posted by EditingEmma 19.11
Gracie: ‘Shall we play a game?’
We’re now playing something called The Definitions Game where Gracie reads out a really complicated word and we all have to guess what it means. For every word I put ‘Gracie’s Mum’ and every time she reads it out she goes all pink and tight-lipped and you’d think it would get old but it just doesn’t.
posted by EditingEmma 20.03
When I sloped in the door I thought there was going to be an unwelcome, lung-sapping fight. But Mum’s out with Heather, which means I can safely avoid her until this time tomorrow.
I can’t believe that tomorrow I may actually have to sit next to Leon for a full hour and twenty minutes. How can I bear it? And why does he care what I’m doing with Laurence Myer? I refuse to believe he’s actually that concerned on his behalf. They’re not that good friends, and Leon has never been so self-righteous before. I know for a fact that regularly he steals from self-checkouts and sticks his gum underneath desks. Those are not the actions of a moral person.
I’ve got to do something else to distract myself. I’m venturing back to Narnia.
posted by EditingEmma 20.15
Ciao Paolo
Ciao Emma
How are you?
Better give it a minute or two before saying something else, you know… Build up the suspense. He can see that I’ve ‘seen’ his message so it looks like I’m just super casual. I LOVE THAT. It’s a little hard to be casual with Leon when I lose the ability to speak English and fail to restrain myself from staring fixedly at the little moles on his neck.
posted by EditingEmma 23.58
In My Room (Still Talking to Paolo)
Paolo and ‘Emma’ are having yet another great conversation, whilst real-life Emma intermittently stalks Leon and Apple’s profiles. I see that Leon has made a guest appearance on Scrumptiously, Anna. I hope they drown in a giant vat of their raspberry buttercream.
posted by EditingEmma 00.16
Mum got back ten minutes ago and I quickly turned out my light. She came in and peered at me, feigning sleep, then went away again. As I lay there hiding from her beneath the duvet, phone in one hand and laptop in the other, I suddenly felt inexplicably desolate. I’m getting to that phase when you’ve been online for so long you start feel
ing a little bit empty. The real world tugs at you with its wholesome charm but you can’t seem to leave behind the bizarre YouTube videos and scrolling through people’s mindless updates. You stumble across some very strange things you wish you could unsee. The longer you stay on it the less likely it seems that you will ever get off again.
Hmm, trying to log off, but it’s like my fingers aren’t listening to my brain…
posted by EditingEmma 00.44
Once again, I have kept you up too late, Emma. Would you maybe like to come and see this band with me on Saturday?
That would be nice, let me just check my diary
Hmm. My check of my ‘mental diary’ tells me I have no plans this weekend other than sitting around watching Goodnight Sweetheart with Steph and her nan.
Out Friday with the girls but could do Saturday, yes :) Bellissimo. Hang on, I will send you a link. I know you will love it, if you like techno
Amazing!!!
(So I like techno now. Why not? All music, when you really examine it, is just noise anyway right?)
I feel like I am two different Emmas. When I talk to Paolo I’m this other person, I’m confident and fun and things don’t bother me or hold me down, they just roll off me like water. Internet Emma has a much better life and is happy in herself.
But then I close the laptop and it doesn’t stick.
posted by EditingEmma 01.02
Can’t sleep. When I think about seeing Leon tomorrow and actually sitting next to him for a full hour and twenty minutes I feel like I’m sinking into the bed and through the floor and falling really fast into a vast, cavernous hole. But let’s pretend it’s because I have a date with a sexy Italian man.
And he is a man. He’s eighteen. He can legally buy alcohol and go out to bars and probably has chest hair.
Thursday, 18 September
posted by EditingEmma 08.20
Registration
I’m actually early because I woke up at 6 am. I’d probably be tired if adrenaline wasn’t surging through my body. Gracie reached behind me to get something from her bag and I jumped out of my skin.
‘What’s the matter with you??’ she squealed.
‘I thought your arm was a snake.’
I think I might be on edge.
posted by EditingEmma 08.31
Mr Morris looked very startled to see me when he came in.
‘I’m glad you’re making an effort, Emma, but I’m afraid Ms Parker’s suggested I put you on work report.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘It means you have to take this to your teachers at the end of every lesson, and get it signed for good behaviour. If you miss three signatures then you get a detention.’
Another day I might have cared, but not today. I know his words are aimed at me, but they miss and fly out the open window.
posted by EditingEmma 13.24
The Slowest and Fastest Day of My Life
Time is moving so SLOWLY and yet racing past at the same time. It’s like I am a ghost watching my own life play out, in a zone where time is meaningless.
Break
I bought two coffees and I’m not sure why. Coffee is disgusting. I keep shaking. Actually, physically shaking. I don’t think the coffee helped.
English
Mr Allen brought in finger puppets and pretended they were Marlowe and Shakespeare having a fist-fight about Marlovian conspiracy theory AND I COULDN’T EVEN ENJOY IT PROPERLY.
French
Leon. Leon. Leon. Near me. Leon. I tried to focus on the lesson, but I had absolutely no idea what Madame Fournier was saying. Then I tried thinking about Paolo and our date. I put up my hand.
‘Madame Fournier, do you know any Italian?’
She looked almost aggressively puzzled, shook her head and carried on with French. I guess not.
Lunch
I tried to consume food but it tasted like cardboard because my mouth was so dry from nerves. I heard Faith say, ‘We’re just background noise to her today.’
Were they trying to talk to me?
posted by EditingEmma 13.36
Twenty-four minutes to go.
posted by EditingEmma 13.37
Twenty-three minutes.
posted by EditingEmma 13.41
I can’t keep going like this. I desperately, desperately want to be in Biology, sitting next to him, forcing him to interact with me. But I’m also dreading it in every single part of my body. How is that possible?
posted by EditingEmma 13.55
Walking to Biology
At least, I’m trying to walk to Biology. My brain can’t work out what it wants. One minute I’m half running, the next I’ve stopped, quivering by a bush. I was standing, frozen, pretending to be really interested in a leaf and Holly walked past me. She paused and frowned.
‘Are you all right, Emma?’
Crazy Holly is concerned by my behaviour.
posted by EditingEmma 13.59
Outside the Classroom
It’s taken me ten minutes to walk about thirty metres, but I am finally approaching the classroom. I’m taking a moment outside, peering through the window in the door.
OH there he is. I knew that he was going to be here, but somehow didn’t quite believe it. But yep, he’s here. He’s here. I’m here. He’s here. With his hair and his toes and elbows and cheekbones. Every single part of him is here. It’s funny, isn’t it, how we’re all just bones and skin strung together by cartilage and muscle? What makes Leon’s bones different to another set of bones? Why can’t I just attach myself to another bag of organs?
There’s a spare seat next to him. Looks like we are together then. I’m heading in.
posted by EditingEmma 15.00
I’ve Left College in the Middle of the Day
Yep. I’ve left school. In the middle of the day. I’m currently moving like a zombie towards home. It was surprisingly easy, actually. I half expected alarms to go off or for Mr Morris to leap out from behind a corner and rugby tackle me to the floor, but nothing happened.
Why I Left College in the Middle of the Day
I entered the classroom and he, the bag of organs that I so desire, didn’t even notice me come in. He was too busy looking intensely at something on his phone. I find it incredible that I can be consumed by knowing that he’s present on the same planet, and he doesn’t notice me standing three metres away, but whatever. When I came and sat down, he jumped.
‘Hi.’
He quickly fumbled to put his phone away and looked down at his sheet. Suddenly this made me irrationally angry… Is this what I’d been building up to? Just to be ignored for an hour and twenty minutes, leave the room and carry on?
‘I said HI?’
‘Emma?’ called Dr Penzik from the front. ‘Am I disturbing your conversation?’
‘No,’ I muttered.
I already knew by this point it was going to be a long lesson, then I picked up the dried yeast and Leon grabbed it from me, spilling it over the desk. We both stared at it.
Yeast is kind of gross.
He wouldn’t let me touch anything. It was completely ridiculous. Fifteen minutes into the lesson everyone else was already miles ahead of us.
‘Leon. Let me hold it while you do that, you’re going to spill it everywhere. Just let me help.’ I leant forward to take the test tube.
‘Get off,’ he hissed in the most vicious, horrible tone, which really should be reserved exclusively for blood relatives. A big lump rose in my throat and tears welled up. From that moment on I sat back and refused to do or say anything else, for fear of breaking down in a fit of sobs. This would have been fine, if Dr Penzik wasn’t circling like a vulture. He came over to our table and loomed over us. He really is incredibly tall.
‘Emma. You haven’t done a single thing all lesson. You might as well be lounging at home.’
He looked at me expectantly, and I looked at Leon who was pretending not to listen and looking oh so diligently at his little tubes. Dr
Penzik sighed and ambled over to a different group. Once he was gone I said, ‘I think I will. Go home, that is.’
‘Finally,’ Leon said.
And then I walked out. Just like that.
posted by EditingEmma 15.55
Examining Every Single Moment of Our Short-Lived Relationship With a Microscope
I usually love staying home and watching daytime TV but I feel all lonely and weird. I turned it on and burst into tears. Potentially, Jeremy Kyle’s face was the last straw.
How could he be so horrible to me?! What did I do?! I’m completely stunned. He seemed genuinely hurt and angry. I keep coming back to this question: is there something I’ve done to justify it? All summer I racked my brains, and I keep reaching the same conclusion: No. There is 100 per cent nothing I’ve done. The only thing I can think of was going out with Laurence, which was after he ignored me for two months, and which I was completely entitled to do.
It’s so unfair. I’m the rejected one, so I’m supposed to be the one who gets to be hurt and angry. Everyone knows that!! He should be acting guilty whilst I tell him to go away!! He’s acting like I’m the one who broke up with him… Or worse!! Like I killed his family pet or something. I don’t know what he’s acting like…
As if it wasn’t enough to get broken up with, now I’m getting bullied by him too. Sitting there as he yanked those test tubes out of my hands, I felt like I was about five years old. It was as if he couldn’t bear to look at me. This must be how Frankenstein’s monster felt, out there in the woods.
I’m actually looking forward to Mum coming home.
posted by EditingEmma 17.03
Steph rang.
‘Dude!! What the hell?!’
‘What?’
‘You just… left.’
‘I know.’
‘What happened?’
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ My voice wobbled.
‘Oh, Emma.’
I cleared my throat. ‘Am I in huge trouble?’
‘Well… er… no one really noticed. I did, obviously, but I thought you were just doing a huge poo.’
‘At least I won’t get in trouble, I guess.’
‘Uh… yeah, well, you probably could have got away with it. But then Leon put up his hand and… sort of… told Dr Penzik.’
What. The. Hell.
‘Emma? Are you still there?’