by Chloe Seager
‘Look… it’s Leon!’
‘How can you tell?’
‘I’ve watched him from a distance enough. I can pick him out of crowds within seconds.’
Faith paused. ‘What’s it like living in a constant game of Where’s Leon?’
‘Tiring.’
‘Do you ever think that if you put all that energy into something else you might… I don’t know, learn a language? Read Balzac’s Human Comedy?’
‘What is that?’
‘Never mind.’
He got closer, and closer…
‘Now’s your chance, Emma,’ encouraged Faith.
‘Do you think?!’
‘DO IT.’
‘Do what?!’
‘Act how YOU want to act. Set the terms!! Lay down the rules!! How do YOU want to greet him?!’
‘By licking his neck?’
By this point Leon was a few metres away (with Apple, who turned out to be the second tiny speck). And… instead of waiting for Leon to do something… I said, ‘Hi.’
OK, so it came across a touch aggressive, perhaps more like ‘HI’… but I did it! Apple looked over, a bit bemused. Leon looked like a rabbit caught in headlights. But I stared him down. And…he lifted a hand at me!! (In what is officially the most begrudging wave I have ever seen, but still!!)
TRIUMPH. I SHALL NOT BE IGNORED.
posted by EditingEmma 18.17
Greg turned up at school to give me a lift home, which was really sweet, but then he asked if we could go back to mine and I said no because my mum was in, and he looked a little bit hurt. I suggested we ‘drive somewhere and chat’ instead and I think he thought I meant something dirty, because he looked all pleased and went and parked up by the forest. Thankfully I am a teenager and am, therefore, always feeling just a little bit horny. Even when watching wholesome Christmas movies or eating soup at Granddad’s house or buying laxatives for my mum in Boots.
Forest Thoughts
Oh God, what if someone sees us? Stop panicking!
Relax… Relax…
This is not very arousing. I always thought I’d be one of those fun, carefree people who can do stuff in public places but it turns out I’m not.
Maybe if I focus on Greg…
What a nice nose he has.
Noses are not very arousing either
It was really quite a challenge, but by combining the powers of my long and enduring sexual angst, and mental images of Mr Allen, I managed to conjure a very small orgasm. It was nothing like when I’m alone and was really more of a twitch, but there it was. An orgasm, all the same.
When we drove back home I kept thinking about where Greg’s hands had been and how now they were on his steering wheel. Is he going to wipe it? It seems unsanitary.
And that is the story of my third, fairly unfulfilling sexual experience. At least Greg didn’t get his penis out this time, so I didn’t have to awkwardly decline it.
posted by EditingEmma 19.12
Maybe We Should All Just Stick to Masturbation
Discussed it with Faith:
‘Are you going to do it again?’ she asked.
‘Probably.’
‘But why, may I ask? I mean, if it’s only all right?’
I thought. Hmm, she had a point.
‘I guess…I mean, I enjoy it more physically when I do it myself. But with him it still gets rid of the horniness more. Just because there’s someone else there, I guess.’
She pondered for a moment. ‘Could he just stand in the room, while you do it?’
‘I like your thinking.’
posted by EditingEmma 20.44
I’ve made Gracie a very special jumper that says ‘Word Wizard’ on it for her birthday, to wear when we play Articulate. She’ll be spectacularly embarrassed when I give it to her in front of people, but also she’ll love it, so it’s a win-win.
Wednesday, 15 October
posted by EditingEmma 13.41
The Awkwardness of Dirty Messaging
Got a message from Greg.
I can’t stop thinking about getting you off x 09.29
Not sure how I feel about this. It was 9.30 in the morning, for one thing. And for another it just doesn’t sound like him. He would NEVER say this to my face… usually he’s all sweet and sickly.
Evidence: Technology lets people say what they are really thinking.
I have no idea what to reply, but I suppose I must. Hmm… ‘Thanks’? Or should I be apologetic? Like, ‘I hope you find a way to focus on your lessons?’ Or more dirty, sort of like… ‘Wait until you feel a real orgasm?’ No. That is a) creepy and b) will expose the fact that mine was only about a 2.0 on the Richter scale.
Really, if anyone ‘got me off’ the other day it’s Mr Allen. I almost want to slip him a thank you note.
Eventually went with:
Me neither xx 13.40
Generic, whitewashing lies are always the right answer.
posted by EditingEmma 17.19
Big News
I was standing waiting for Mum to pick me up at the gates, scanning for Leon in case he stayed late for some unknown reason, when Leon actually appeared in the distance.
I expected him to just walk past, but he kept heading for me… I could see Mum pulling up and waving frantically in the corner of my eye but I pretended not to notice.
‘Are you going to this?’ he asked, brandishing a little shiny card from his pocket. I leaned in… it was an invitation!! A bloody invitation to Gracie’s party!! With ‘Gracie’s Sweet Seventeenth’ written across the top in gold, shiny letters.
‘What!!’ I said, grabbing it. ‘I never got one of those! Is this… Is this handmade?! I don’t believe this. That takes the piss.’
‘So you’re not going?’
‘Oh, no, I’m going .’
‘OK, cool.’
. . . Really?
‘I’ll pee on the invitation and give it back to her, if you like.’ He grinned.
And I wanted to reply, I really did, but the only thing that came to mind was ‘You can pee on me’ and then I saw Mum getting out of the car.
‘Oh, gotta go!’ I said, and ran off to a very angry mother. So I made you wait for me when you’d been kind enough to offer me a lift. LET IT GO.
Anyway, Leon spoke to me again!! I’m trying to stay grounded and keep Faith’s words in my head, like a leaden weight, but it’s like I’m filled up with helium. I keep floating off.
posted by EditingEmma 19.49
Actual Big News
Disregard my last post. Something far more newsworthy has happened. Faith called.
‘Emma, I did it!!!’
‘You did what?’
‘IT.’
‘You had sex?!’
‘Pah! No, but I came one step closer. I came out to my parents!!’
‘Oh my God!! Faith, that’s huuuuge!!’
‘I know. I know. I can’t believe it.’
‘What happened??’
‘I guess… I guess it started because I was thinking about how harsh I was being about you and the way Leon treats you. I mean, I was feeling all judgemental and on my moral high horse and then I suddenly realised, I’m not exactly standing up for myself, either. And then I started getting so angry about how I’m pretty sure my parents know, but they don’t want to know, as if there’s something wrong with me, and how we all go along just saying nothing… And then, I thought, I’m probably just going to continue saying nothing and then I got even angrier, and then I did say something!! Out of nowhere! I said something!!’
‘What did you say?? What did they say??’
‘So, my aunt came over for dinner and I was being very silent and thinking about all the things I just said.’
‘Yes, yes??’
‘And we were talking about Hope’s wedding, obviously, as I imagine we will be constantly for the rest of our lives.’
‘Yes?! YES?!’
‘And then, she asked me if I had a boyfriend yet. And then my mum
laughed and said, “Oh, she’s only sixteen, plenty of time.” And then my aunt laughed and said that if I was still single when I went to uni people would start thinking I was a lesbian.’
‘NO.’
‘Yes. She said those words. They were real words that came out of her mouth.’
‘And what did you say???’
‘I said, “And if I was, what would be wrong with that?” and looked straight at her, and she was all stuttery and flappy and her bob was jiggling. And she didn’t say anything. And then I just got up and left the table.’
‘Oh my God.’
‘I know.’
‘OH MY GOD.’
‘I know.’
posted by EditingEmma 23.01
Sometimes Mothers Are Actually OK
I was telling Mum about Faith, and we were discussing how ridiculous her aunt is on so many levels.
‘Basically every time I’m reminded homophobia is still a thing, I just feel really naive and shocked,’ I finished.
‘Naive is right,’ said Mum.
‘And what’s wrong with being single, anyway?’ I exclaimed.
‘I feel like you should ask yourself the same question.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Why do you keep dating obsessively?’
Awkward question which exposes me as a hypocrite = I’m going to turn it around on her.
‘What about you? Why are you always on dates?’
‘Well, it would be nice to meet someone. So I keep trying. But I’m not going to force myself to be with someone for the sake of it.’
She’s backed me into a corner = I’m now going to change the subject.
‘Also, if you’re still single when you go to uni? She sounds like an old woman from the forties giving warnings about biological clocks,’ I go on.
‘As women, Emma, we’re constantly put in a race against time to “achieve” things we’re not given a moment to consider we might not want.’
Later on, I tiptoed into her room.
‘Mum?’
‘Yes?’
‘You know how earlier you said you felt like women were all put under pressure by society and whatnot, I assume you partly mean marriage and children, I mean… You did want me, didn’t you?’
‘Oh Emma. Of course I wanted you. I wasn’t talking about you. I just meant that a lot of people consider marriage and children to be the only path in life, like you’re inferior if you’re a certain age and you don’t have them.’
‘OK.’
‘I never cared about marriage, I just wanted to be in love and have a… mutually caring relationship. It hasn’t happened for me, and I’d rather be on my own, with you, than in something I settled for, and in some people’s eyes that makes me a failure.’
‘You’re no failure, Mum. And you’re more than enough parent for ten children.’
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Briefly felt affectionate about my mother until she woke me up snoring in the next room. Now contemplating putting a pillow over her head
Thursday, 16 October
posted by EditingEmma 08.37
I was just walking into school with Gracie, talking about her inexplicable love of fishing (apparently it is very ‘relaxing’) when Leon came up to me.
Leon came up to me.
‘I’ll trade you a bit of cookie for a Chewit,’ he said.
I nodded, trying to look as calm as possible. We made the transfer. It’s like nothing ever changed between us and I want to sing and dance and run and play with rabbits in fields.
posted by EditingEmma 11.18
Coming Out Really IS Easier Said Than Done
Faith slumped down next to me at break.
‘Incroyable!’ she said. ‘I don’t think my coming out has been acknowledged.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, after I called you, my mum came into my room to give me pudding and said that I should apologise to Aunt Carol for my “little outburst” and then nothing else was said. This morning, she was completely normal and going about making eggs.’
‘Were you acting normal?’
‘I was looking into her eyes questioningly, and she looked back… completely blank. Like a ghost. Nothing.’
‘That is so strange!! Do you think she’s in denial, or really didn’t pick up on the undertones of what you were saying?’
‘I don’t know. I thought it was pretty obvious, but maybe not.’
Silence.
‘Was your mum really up at seven this morning making you eggs?’
‘Yes.’
‘Does she do that every day?’
‘Yes.’
‘That’s amazing.’
‘Your mum accepts you for who you are. You win.’
‘I’m sorry, Faith, I know it wasn’t easy for you to say something.’
‘Thanks, I’m sorry too. It just confirms everything I thought. It’s impossible.’
‘No!! It’s not impossible!! Next time you just have to, er, leave them no room for doubt?’
‘They don’t want to hear it, Emma.’
This sucks so much I can’t really put it into words.
posted by EditingEmma 13.15
In the loos. I was in the Sixth Form Centre getting my coat, about to go off with the others for lunch, and I noticed that Apple and her friends were staring at me and pointing.
‘Did I do something?’ I whispered to Gracie.
‘Haven’t you seen?’ she whispered back.
‘Seen what?’
‘Seriously?’
‘Seriously what?’
‘Seriously all you do is stalk Leon and you miss this?’
‘MISS WHAT?’
She showed me her phone.
Leon Naylor is single.
42 mins
And now this is what the inside of my brain looks like:
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
posted by EditingEmma 13.58
I was about to take a bite of this lovely, congealed rice pudding the school has served us, when Leon sat down next to me.
Leon sat down next to me.
‘Is everything OK with… Anna?’ I asked. (Had to concentrate so hard to use her real name.)
‘We broke up,’ he said, matter-of-factly.
‘Oh,’ I said, trying to sound sad when I actually felt like what I imagine someone who’s just been injected with a jug-full of heroin feels like. ‘What happened?’
‘Oh. We’re not actually very similar, you know?’
I do know. I do.
posted by EditingEmma 17.14
Even triple Biology could not dampen my mood. He said ‘we’re not similar’. That’s probably because he can make at least five different facial expressions. Did he imply that me and him are similar?
Let’s not get carried away.
Lalalalalalalala.
posted by EditingEmma 22.05
My phone rang. I looked down and saw Greg’s name and for a moment it felt like something from a past life. I’m not answering.
He’s ringing again. I should probably answer.
‘Hello, you,’ he says cheerily.
‘Hi!’
I sound strained.
‘I just remembered, are we still going to that party on Saturday?’
Crap. No.
‘What party?’
‘I had “party with Emma” written in my phone calendar.’
‘Is that because every day with me is a party?’
He laughs. ‘It’s better than a party.’
Nononono don’t be nice to me. I am sludge. Horrible sludge!!
‘So what are you doing Saturday?’
�
��Oh, er… just hanging out with my friends. I said I’d go round to Gracie’s.’
Not a complete lie. I will be at Gracie’s.
Oh God. I’m in bed but I already know that I won’t be able to sleep. My stomach’s churning from a mixture of elation and guilt.
Friday, 17 October
posted by EditingEmma 13.40
The Plan
I was walking along with Faith. I tried to ask how she was feeling, but as usual she completely shut me down.
‘Is Greg coming tomorrow?’ she asked.
I decided to play her at her own game.
‘No. Did you know that hummingbirds can see UV light? So they can probably see a bunch of colours that we can’t.’
‘Why isn’t he coming?’
‘Oh, I don’t know, he has cricket or something. Did you know that hummingbirds eat two or three times their own weight every day? That’s like us eating a full fridge of food.’
‘You’re terrible at changing the subject.’
‘Why are you so disinterested in hummingbirds?’
‘Why isn’t Greg coming?’
‘. . . I may have uninvited him.’
‘There we go.’
Then I laid out my flawless and clearly well-thought-out plan (which I made up ten minutes ago) for Faith, which makes me TECHNICALLY neither a liar nor a cheater.
Tell Leon that me and Greg broke up.
Don’t invite Greg to the party (to see how it goes with Leon).
If it looks like something is going to happen, then I can break up with Greg. And then I won’t technically have lied to Leon, or cheated on Greg.
If it looks like it isn’t going to happen, then I can tell Leon that me and Greg got back together, which means the first lie is voided and I obviously won’t be a cheater.
‘Just a couple of flaws in your flawless plan, Emma.’
‘Please, do lay out your concerns and I will show you that they are wrong.’
‘Well, aside from obvious moral deficiency.’
‘That’s a given.’
‘How will you know something is going to happen before it happens?’
‘Er… I’ll get the vibes.’
‘What if you get the vibes, and then break up with Greg and still nothing happens?’
‘. . . I’ll only do it if I’m getting very strong vibes.’
‘But if you’re getting strong vibes, then how will you stop the thing from happening before it’s too late and you become a cheater?’