by Chloe Seager
‘Confused, unsure. Freaked out. Confused. I don’t know.’
‘I don’t know how I can have confused you. I think it’s pretty obvious that I like you. I even got a sympathy spot where you have that little mole on your cheek.’
He doesn’t say anything.
‘Do you like me, Leon?’
‘I do like you. I like you a lot.’
‘Do you like Apple?’
‘Huh?’
‘Appananna. Anna.’
He pauses. ‘I like her in a different way.’
I feel my guts wrenching and rage or vomit or both bubbling away inside me. Sound casual.
‘Different how?’
‘It’s easier with her.’
‘Easier how?’
‘Well, for one thing, she doesn’t interrogate me.’
‘I’m not interrogating you. I think I deserve some answers.’
Silence. He sighs.
‘You’re right. I should never have asked you to go out with me, Emma.’
I feel like someone just speared me through the stomach. I try to get up and he grabs my arm.
‘No! Emma, sit down. I was worried about ruining our friendship but then it just sort of happened anyway. And when it happened I was still worrying.’
‘So you thought the solution to saving a friendship would be to ignore me?’
‘I thought that breaking up with you would really ruin it.’
‘Leon, ignoring someone is breaking up with someone.’
‘It isn’t.’
‘It is. It’s just doing it in a cowardly way.’
‘It isn’t. It isn’t really breaking up with someone.’
‘OK, well, if ignoring me isn’t breaking up with me, then going out with someone else definitely is.’
He pauses. ‘I never really wanted to break up with you.’
‘Well, what did you want?’
‘I don’t know.’
He stays silent.
‘What do you want now?’
He looks at me, and kisses me.
Then I remember us not talking for a long time. We just lie on our backs looking at the stars. Eventually, Leon says, ‘It’s getting cold. We should go in.’
My chest tightens at the thought of him leaving. At the thought of this ending.
‘I’m not cold,’ I say, shivering.
‘I’ve got to go home soon.’
‘OK.’
And now he’s gone home. When he left he kissed me goodbye just like we were really together.
Actually, most people have gone home. When did the party end?
posted by EditingEmma 04.08
We’re all in Gracie’s room. Steph is listening to me babble. Faith is asleep. Gracie is irritable because she found a Malteser in her bed and keeps shhing me.
He likes me. He kissed me and he likes me. I will not go to sleep. This happiness will not be wasted on sleep. Should I have told him about my sympathy spot? Probably not.
Who cares?
posted by EditingEmma 04.25
Three messages from Greg. I’ll just pretend I don’t see them. If I don’t read them, they could theoretically say anything, and only by opening them will I make them bad. Like Schrödinger’s messages.
posted by EditingEmma 05.37
Still Up and Smiling
On the way to the bathroom, I ran into Steph in the corridor.
‘Emma… what are you doing?’
‘Peeing,’ I said dreamily.
‘Great,’ she said and walked past me.
I can hear myself being unbearable, if only I could care…
Then on the way back I ran into Gracie’s brother, also on his way to the bathroom. He smiled awkwardly and went past me. Hmm, even from the depths of my dark and all-encompassing self involvement, I sense that wasn’t a coincidence.
When she came back to bed, I asked, ‘Steph… where were you?’
‘When?’
‘Just now.’
‘I went to the kitchen for a drink.’
Damn, I wish I’d been paying enough attention to know whether she’d been in the room before or not. I sat up and pointed at Gracie, very attractively sleeping with her mouth open. Then I made a little penis gesture with my hand.
‘Gracie has a penis…?’
‘You know what I mean.’
Her eyes flashed. ‘OK… fine. We can’t talk about this here!!’
posted by EditingEmma 06.21
Ten minutes later, we were sitting under Gracie’s kitchen table with a bucket of chocolate bites.
‘What happened?!’
‘So, he came up to me and he said he was really sorry that I had to find out about Jonno like that, but he thought I should know.’
‘And??’
‘And then he said he hoped I didn’t hate him.’
‘What did you say?’
‘I said he was just the messenger and that he did me a favour. And then he said, I hope so, because you deserve to be treated much, much better than that. And then we stared at each other.’
‘And you kissed??’
‘No. Then Gracie came over and asked Andy to refill the champagne fountain. She gave me a warning look.’
‘Stay away from my brother or DIE.’
‘Yes. That kind of look. And then nothing happened until about an hour ago, when I went to the kitchen for some water, and his light was on. And he saw me go past and came out into the hallway, and we both knew what was going to happen.’
‘And??’
‘Then we kissed. But it was over really quickly. We heard a noise.’
‘Gracie dislocating her jaw so she could devour you like a snake.’
‘That might have been it.’
Back in bed now. I will never sleep again.
Sunday, 19 October
posted by EditingEmma 08.09
I did sleep. Very briefly. Until we were all woken up by someone in the room farting but no one will admit it was them. It definitely wasn’t me. Or was it? Can people fart themselves awake?
I’ve only been awake two minutes and last night’s magic has sort of faded. I have a headache (though not as bad as last time I was here), my mouth tastes like a small furry animal died in it, I feel vaguely socially embarrassed and ashamed though I’m not sure what for, and the intense, gnawing guilt about Greg is much, much harder to ignore.
Five messages from him. Oh God.
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Reviving hangover Coco Pops with @Brentsy and @GracieMorton1, @Faith18 has fallen asleep over the table
posted by EditingEmma 08.42
Andy came in, looking weary.
‘Why are you up so early?’ he croaked, rubbing his eyes.
I was about to say someone farted, but then I remembered Steph might potentially want to have sex with this person. Her and Andy are trying to be subtle but it isn’t working. He mawkishly offered her a Pop-Tart as if it was a bunch of flowers and she has suddenly become very austere. Whenever someone says something she considers it carefully and nods without really responding.
We that are true lovers run into strange capers…
posted by EditingEmma 09.00
Can’t put it off any more. Going to have to read the messages.
Am going home. Wasn’t having much fun. You clearly don’t want to see me so maybe we can talk tomorrow. Hope you have a fun evening. x 23.05
Are you even going to reply? x 00.12
I don’t even know what I’ve done :S if we talk about it we can sort it out. x 01.45
Please talk to me :( 04.33
I can’t sleep. I really like you, Emma, but I’m angry and confused and you can’t just ignore me. 04.48
Oh my God. I’ve done exactly what Leon did to me. How did that happen? And all I’ve been doing all term and all summer is rant on about finding someone who will treat me nicely and I actually found them… then treated them horribly.
posted by EditingEmma 09.27
Right. It’s time to get it together and stop be
ing such a repulsive person. Dialling Greg…
And hanging up before it rings.
Dialling Greg…
And hanging up before it rings.
This is getting ridiculous. I can do this.
Greg is ringing.Crap. OK, breathe, breathe.
‘Hello?’
‘Emma, did you just try to call me?’
‘Oh, no, sorry, accident.’
‘OK.’
‘But, I mean, er, I was going to call you. Are you otherwise engaged?’
‘What?’
‘I mean, er, are you free to talk?’
‘I can talk.’
Silence.
‘What’s wrong, Emma? Why were you being so weird last night?’
‘I… er, well…’
Moment of truth.
‘I kind of felt like maybe you’re not that into having a girlfriend right now.’
Agh. I’m a chicken. A snivelling, gutless, yellow-bellied chicken.
‘Emma, don’t do that. I know that’s how you fobbed off that other guy you were dating. Don’t do that to me.’
‘OK, first things first, I was never “dating” Laurence Myer!!’
‘Emma.’
‘All right, I’m sorry. I guess I kind of… I kind of like someone else.’
Silence.
‘I’m really sorry, Greg. I should have said something before.’
‘I… How long have you liked him?’
Since before I wore a bra?
‘Not very long.’
Silence.
‘Is it Leon?’
‘How did you…’
‘The first time we met. You said I wasn’t him.’
‘Right, yeah.’
‘I guess I should have known.’
Silence.
‘I’m going back to bed. Bye, Emma.’
Well, that was extremely uncomfortable.
posted by EditingEmma 09.35
I feel horrible. But also like a huge weight has been lifted… Am I allowed to feel happy about the Leon thing now? Or would that still make me a bad person?
posted by EditingEmma 14.23
I can’t help feeling happy. As I was leaving, I hugged Gracie’s mum and apologised for the mess I made last time I was round. She didn’t really say anything, only looked very startled. When I got back home I hugged Mum, too, and she eyed me with suspicion.
‘Have you taken something?’ she said.
Once I had thoroughly convinced her I wasn’t high on Ecstasy, she wandered off. Later on, she walked into the kitchen and I was buttering a plate instead of the toast.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ she snapped. ‘Has your brain fallen out?’
I think it might have.
posted by EditingEmma 22.31
In bed. Greg hasn’t been in contact… I guess he’s too angry. I probably wouldn’t be in contact with me either. I can’t sleep, even though I only slept for two hours last night. I get to see Leon tomorrow. I hope there will be more kissing.
Monday, 20 October
posted by EditingEmma 08.59
I floated into school on a cloud this morning. Walked past Mr Morris and said, ‘Good morning Mr Morris! I’m very sorry I was late this morning and I’m sure I’m in big trouble, but I have to say, you really are an excellent teacher and role model in my life – for that I thank you.’
He looked stunned and said nothing. I’m 90 per cent sure it was him and not his twin. Oh well. I am continuing to spread the joy… lalala. I even smiled at a horrible little child who was throwing Skittles at passers-by. Lalala…
posted by EditingEmma 11.09
The sparkling rainbow following me around has faded a little. I suddenly feel really nervous going up to Leon…I don’t know why. Saturday night feels like a lifetime ago. I’m sure I’m just being stupid. It will be fine. It has to be fine. I bought my Chewits security blanket and I’m going to walk past him holding them, very casually…
posted by EditingEmma 11.19
I did it. I walked past him. Nothing. Nada. Not so much as a glance. My tummy is all wobbly.
‘What does this mean?’ I asked Steph.
‘Maybe he’s gone off Chewits?’ she replied.
Then Apple went over to him and he got a cookie out of his coat pocket and gave it to her. HE GOT A COOKIE OUT OF HIS COAT POCKET AND GAVE IT TO HER.
He couldn’t be doing the same thing to me… again… could he? Could he?
I feel like people keep glancing over at me, and looking a bit… apprehensive? Even Abby Matthews gave me a grim smile, and we never speak. Does everyone know? I’m sitting with Faith with my head in my hands as she analyses the situation.
‘It’s like a really weird food game… Laurence running after you with Minstrels and you running after Leon with Chewits and him running after Apple with cookies…’
‘Yes, it’s a delicious feast of broken hearts.’
She pats me and says, ‘You’re feeling melodramatic today.’
Faith can be so cold.
posted by EditingEmma 11.45
In Maths
‘I can’t believe he’s done this!! AGAIN!!’ raged Steph, scaring Mr Crispin as he walked past.
‘Me neither,’ I said, staring into space.
‘Do you think they’re back together?? Agh, that’s so… shit, Emma. I can’t believe he would do this and then get back together with her.’
‘I…’ My voice sounded blank. ‘I really thought this time was different. I don’t understand.’
‘I understand.’ Steph waved her fist around. ‘I understand now how murders happen.’
I took the pen out of her hands before she accidentally stabbed Boring Susan in the back of the head.
posted by EditingEmma 12.45
Editing Emma Goes Public
I was just sitting in French, trying not to cry, when I got a message from Steph.
Check your notifications, NOW 12.26
Madame Fournier is really strict about phones, unlike Mr Crispin, so I had to wait until she turned around to the board before I could reply.
Later. With Madame F 12.34
Seriously Emma. Do it NOW 12.34
I excused myself to go to the loo. Madame Fournier rolled her eyes and made some comment about not being able to hold my bladder for forty minutes and that by the time I was her age I’d be peeing myself. But I got away. I was sceptical about what could be so bloody important. I thought, this had better not be something to do with Game of Thrones.
And now I’m in the toilets. Looking at what Steph meant. And I’m wishing it was something to do with Game of Thrones. It’s my blog.
My blog.
On public.
My PRIVATE blog.
On PUBLIC.
Not all of it, just one of the worst possible posts that could ever have been uploaded… Reasons Why Leon Naylor is Not Worth Any Girl’s Time or Virginity. There it is. Just sitting there on my screen. And everyone else’s screens. For everyone to see. Oh my God… that’s why Leon’s not speaking to me. That’s why people were staring at me at break-time.
I read back through my own words, slagging him off. Slagging off is an understatement. I call him stupid. I mock him for trying. I say his parents love his brother more, an insecurity he shared with me in confidence, that he’s never told anyone else. I’m mortified by what I’ve written. Mortified that other people have seen this. That Leon has seen this.
I’ve set it back to private, obviously, but the damage is done. Steph commented on it about a million times saying ‘EMMA. EMMA. DELETE. DELETE.’
What have I done? How did this happen?
posted by EditingEmma 13.30
Hiding in the toilets. I don’t want to go out there. I can only imagine what people are saying about me. I bet everyone thinks I’m a massive bitch. Oh God. I’m so humiliated. Now I know what it feels like to be a celebrity and have all your private business aired in a magazine. I feel like someone’s taken my deepest, weirdest daydream and p
layed it out on a TV for everyone to watch.
I’ve turned off my phone so no one and nothing can reach me. I will stay in this cubicle making little loo roll dolls. Little loo roll dolls who would never judge me because they do not have thoughts. I will stay in here for ever with my harmless paper friends.
Or at least until English.
posted by EditingEmma 14.10
English
People abruptly stopped talking when I came in, but I heard the word ‘disgusting’. Has everyone seen it?! I know it was bad but I’m not sure I’d call it disgusting.
I sat down next to Steph, hiding behind my hair. She was doodling on her folder and clearly trying to keep calm for me. Even Ms Parker had concern in her eyes when she handed me back my essay. She must have heard what people were saying.
I burrowed further into my seat. I could just feel everyone staring at me. Oh God, I was going to have to move schools. Except we all know that never works because everything ends up on the internet so whenever anyone does something really embarrassing it just follows them. FOR EVER. Could I make a clean break at uni?! What if I end up accidentally going to uni with Abby Matthews and she tells everyone there?! Should I apply to universities in Europe? Oh God, WHY DIDN’T I PAY MORE ATTENTION IN FRENCH.
‘Steph, I can’t take it!!’
‘What?’
‘Everyone talking about me!!’
She paused for a second, frowning. ‘No they’re not.’
‘It’s OK, Steph, you don’t have to shield my feelings.’
‘No, really. They’re talking about this girl in Year 9 who did a poo on the bathroom floor.’
‘I… What?!’
‘She left it too late and just missed the toilet. Apparently it was just sitting there in the girls’ loos all morning.’
We both sat there, imagining it.
‘So no one’s said anything?’
‘Umm. I did hear Boring Susan say it was a bit weird, but then the poo thing happened and you kind of got overshadowed.’
Overshadowed by a poo. Right. Well… that’s a relief.
posted by EditingEmma 15.30
‘.…Were they really not talking about me?’
‘Really, really not.’
‘I just can’t believe someone’s poor bowel control is more interesting than my life.’
‘Emma, is this really what you’re focusing on right now? Leon cares. Leon. You know, the person you actually care about? Rather than fifty other people in our year you never speak to?’