by Chloe Seager
‘So what? This is punishment for my bad behaviour?’
‘No! Maybe… I don’t know. I just came upstairs, feeling sorry for myself and a bit annoyed at you, I guess. And then I saw that you’d left your blog open. I know I shouldn’t have, but I started reading it, and, you know…’
I blinked. ‘What?’
‘“An Ode To Steph”? “Reasons That Faith Is One of The Best Humans I Know”?’
And suddenly it dawned on me.
‘I mean… what about me, Emma? I’m your friend too. And then I shouldn’t have, but I searched my name, and all that was coming up was just horrible, mean stuff. And the worst part is I knew it would be. I did it on purpose. I don’t know why I even looked, when I knew it would make me upset.’
I knew the feeling.
‘Is that all I am to you?’ she went on. ‘A joke?’
‘No, of course not,’ I said, feeling genuinely ashamed. ‘It’s just venting. Like the post about Leon. True friends are always horrible to each other. You know… like on Girls.’
‘Am I your friend?’ she asked.
‘Am I yours?’
We sat in silence for a moment.
‘I guess we’ve both been pretty crap,’ I said.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said, and she looked so sad and small.
‘I’m really sorry, too, Gracie.’
We were silent for a moment, and then we hugged. I could feel her wet cheeks soaking into my shirt.
‘I’m sorry I ruined things for you and Leon,’ she said into my shoulder.
‘You didn’t ruin it,’ I said, ‘he ruined it.’
When we got back into the classroom she patted me gingerly on the arm and said, ‘I’ll pour your syllabub down the drain for you if you like.’
And I knew we were going to be OK.
posted by EditingEmma 21.01
Inspecting my eyes for signs of another lurking stye. Thankfully there isn’t one… yet, but it’s only a matter of time. I probably deserve it for being so horrible to Greg.
Greg. I wonder what Greg’s doing? Does he still like me? Or does he hate me?
Saturday, 25 October
posted by EditingEmma 12.06
Saw a picture of Greg, playing football with his friends. Posted twenty minutes ago. He looks okay. If only there was a way to know from it how he was actually feeling… I wonder if he’s talking to other girls already? AGH, I need to stop thinking about this.
posted by EditingEmma 14.17
Fighting the compulsion to read Greg’s comment conversations and try to detect potential flirtations. I called Faith.
‘Do you think Greg is talking to other girls?’
‘I think if he were, that would be his prerogative.’
‘You’re always right.’
‘I know. Don’t try and find out.’
‘I won’t…’
‘Are you and Gracie all right now?’
‘We’ve got a long way to go, but we will be.’
‘Good. That’s good. I have to go. Hope wants to look at me in various ugly bridesmaid dresses. Oh, by the way… GUESS WHAT.’
‘What?’
‘Guess.’
‘You had sex?!’
‘NO. Why do you always think that?’
‘Sorry. It’s my vagina talking.’
‘Well, I signed up for this new sketch class on Saturdays, and there’s this girl…’
‘OH MY GOD.’
‘What? You don’t even know what I’m going to say yet.’
‘Sorry, go on.’
‘Well now it’s going to be really anticlimactic. I followed her and we’ve been liking each other’s tweets and I think she’s really cool. But it could just be a friend thing for her. I don’t know. That’s it. That’s my news.’
‘OH MY GOD!!’
‘Shut up.’
‘No really, that’s really great!!’
‘It feels like she might like me. But I don’t know…’
‘She likes you.’
‘She might not.’
‘She likes you. I hope you have more luck with her than I did with Paolo. Or Alex.’
‘Me too, no offence. Bye bye now. AND DON’T STALK GREG.’
‘I won’t!!!’
posted by EditingEmma 15.04
Opened the laptop.
posted by EditingEmma 15.06
Closed the laptop.
posted by EditingEmma 20.43
Went downstairs. Mum was sitting on the sofa crying into a bag of crisps watching American Gigolo. I sat on the sofa with her. It’s not really a sad film but somehow her crying has made me cry, and I’m just so angry at the gross injustice Richard Gere is facing. Why is he being set up? He doesn’t deserve this.
‘Mum, why are you crying?’
‘I don’t know. Why are you?’
‘You started it.’
I put my hand on her arm, which had my phone in it. She looked down.
‘Who’s that?’ she asked.
It was a picture of Greg.
‘Er, no one.’
‘I thought you and Leon were back together.’
‘What? Have you been spying on me again?’
‘No. But you got in the bath with your socks on and I sensed he was back in your life.’
‘Oh, well. We’re not.’
‘Are you with this Greg?’
‘No. I’m not. I’m not with anyone.’
‘Good,’ she said.
‘Good?’ I snarled. ‘Why is that good?’
‘You shouldn’t go out with someone you think is a consolation prize. It’s not very respectful to them, or yourself.’
And this time I didn’t feel like I could turn it around, or change the subject. I felt gripped with a sudden, paralysing fear.
‘But what if everyone, for the rest of my life, is a consolation prize?’
She laughed. ‘They won’t be.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because I know. Anyway, what’s so bad about being single? Do you think my life is bad?’
‘No,’ I said, genuinely.
‘Well then.’
I thought for a moment.
‘Trust me. Trying to get over Leon by filling the gap with someone else is not going to work. And you don’t need anyone else.’
I looked at her and realised she was speaking from experience. And that I should actually, for once, maybe, and I’m stressing the word maybe, listen to her.
‘Are you OK, Mum?’
‘Me? Yes, I’m OK, Emma. Are you OK?’
‘I think so.’
Then she hugged me. And I let her. For a full two seconds.
posted by EditingEmma 22.31
In my room, thinking about what Mum said. Agh, I can’t believe this has all gone so wrong!! In trying to change things all I seem to have done is make them worse! It was all a mistake from the start. This whole mission was flawed. Trying to distract myself through meeting other people didn’t do ANYTHING. All I did was go on some truly awful dates, or drag other people down with me.
Summary of Evidence
1) Maybe the people we don’t speak to in real life, we don’t speak to for a reason i.e. Laurence Myer.
2) If we alter our personalities online, it doesn’t translate to the real world.
3) Keep in mind the other person may well be altering their ENTIRE IDENTITY.
4) Even if you DO meet someone you normally wouldn’t have gone out with and end up liking them, the person you liked first is probably still the one you really want.
= FAIL.
posted by EditingEmma 23.05
AND, not only have I hurt lots of other people, but I STILL don’t even like myself. Whoever I’ve been over the last few months I’ve barely liked more than the person I was over summer! I don’t know who I was then, I don’t know who I am now. God, what if this is just…me? I hope my mum was wrong in what she said about my dad, and that people really can change.
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
/> Does anyone ever know who they are? Thirty-six-year-olds probably do. Probably
Sunday, 26 October
posted by EditingEmma 13.50
I was just sewing together a new top when I realised, the not liking myself thing isn’t entirely true. I like myself is when I’m making clothes (and, er, not thinking or speaking). I like myself when I’m hanging out with my friends, and chatting about random, stupid stuff instead of complaining about Leon…
Maybe it’s not so terrible after all. (I mean, still quite terrible, but not so terrible.) So yes, meeting someone else was a fail, but as Mum said: I DON’T NEED ANYONE ELSE. Why haven’t I been focusing on all these other great things I have going on?!?!
After pondering for a while, and taking a lot of deep breaths, I’ve decided that she’s right. I’ve been dating for all the wrong reasons and I don’t think I should do any more of it for a while. I’m ending the mission and I’m not going to bother Greg again, either. What would be the point? Just because I can’t have Leon, it doesn’t mean I really want Greg.
I’ve drafted a sort of goodbye message to him. It says, ‘I’m really sorry. Hope you’re OK. x’ Should I send it? It could be quite patronising. Or embarrassing, if he’s completely forgotten about it by now.
posted by EditingEmma 14.18
Sent it anyway. I needed to say it. I feel a bit better about Greg, and a bit better about Leon, and a bit better about Gracie… Aghhhh. I really wanted a fresh start at the beginning of term, but I’m going to have to have another one after half-term!! Maybe that’s just life… Fresh start after fresh start. Do things ever just get good and stay good?
posted by EditingEmma 21.03
New Day, New Blog
Well, it’s not really a new day, technically it’s nine o’clock at night. But any time is fine for an emotional ‘new day,’ I think. I have, once again, decided to take some action in my life. My reasons are four-fold:
1) The conclusion that trying to get over one person by going out with another doesn’t work.
2) Having accidentally hurt not only Greg, but also myself and my friends, and not wanting to do that again.
3) Once again, finding that I don’t like myself very much. And realising that in order to change this I should probably have a think about who I am, before I start trying to factor in somebody else.
4) Learning that general stalking is not necessarily a better use for the internet than stalking one person. BUT, in doing so, accidentally rediscovering my love of fashion and designing.
For these reasons I have been once again redesigning my blog, because I am ‘Editing Emma’ in the present tense and therefore can never have too many drafts. Redesign is nearly complete, and I’ve made some new, better resolutions to go with my new, better blog.
Editing Emma
(The Secret Blog of a VERY Nearly Proper Person)
posted by Editing Emma 23.44
Today is the day. Today is the day that I, Emma Nash – in light of the above realisations – set upon a mission. I continue to be Editing Emma, only changing direction a little with my ‘edits’… Because I do still want to make changes in my life, only clearly I was going about it the wrong way.
I’ve made a discovery, that I, in fact, smug as I was, have continued to use the internet incorrectly.
Here’s why:
It is true that my Leon-stalking needed to stop. But replacing Leon by stalking other people doesn’t count. You can’t use other people to make changes in your life…Those changes have to come from you.
I scoffed at Steph and my Mum’s terrible dating patterns whilst making my own terrible dating pattern: using boys to try and make me happy, and forgetting all the other things that make me happy.
For these reasons, I believe for a long time I have missed out on what the internet has to offer. Over 50 per cent of people in THE WORLD have a presence on a social network, and this does mean we have access to get to know all kinds of people we would never have. It also means we can share our thoughts, ideas and interests with these different people we never would have met! I am determined to prove to myself in the quest to be an at least 50 per cent functional human being that, with the internet’s help, it can and will be done. (I think. Maybe. Let’s give it a try.)
NEW RESOLUTIONS
Don’t worry so much about meeting someone else I like.
Be a version of MYSELF that I like.
I will do this by:
A) Keeping on making clothes.
B) Focusing on my friendships.
C) Stopping stalking Leon AND boys in general (perhaps, with the exception of Mr Allen) and really, really trying to not use the internet as a place to mope, moan or unhealthily obsess.
Let this translate to an internet space that is just about me, without e-tweaking myself.
I will do this by:
A) Writing more private posts which AREN’T about Leon.
B) Making a Pinterest board for inspiration.
C) Making a brand new public blog, purely dedicated to my fashion pursuits.
Behold… my new blog(s).
Acknowledgments
First and foremost thank you to my Mum, best friend and first reader – if we were the last two people on Earth we’d probably be just fine. Or kill each other.
I couldn’t have written this book without the countless laughs (and occasional arguments) shared with Nell, Rachel, Catie and Sarah, my best friends from school (or my ‘muses.’) We managed to put up with each other through the awkward and sometimes awful teenage years, as I imagine we will do for the rest of our lives.
Thank you also to my incredibly supportive boyfriend Patrick. I know I must have bored you to death asking you about the placement of EVERY SINGLE WORD but you never once showed it.
One person I will never be able to thank enough is Lauren Gardner at Bell Lomax Moreton, for believing in Emma from the beginning. Your input has been invaluable and your moral support kept me going through the whole excruciatingly nerve-wracking process. (You even managed to make submission fun?!)
A massive thank you to Anna Baggaley, (I still feel so amazed/privileged that you wanted to add Emma to your very special list!), the fab Lucy Richardson and the whole team at HQ for being generally awesome and brilliant at what they do.
And to anyone else who’s given me advice/guidance/let me pick their brains along the way. Emma and I are eternally grateful for your infinite wisdom .
Copyright
An imprint of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2017
Copyright © Chloe Seager 2017
Chloe Seager asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Ebook Edition © August 2017 ISBN: 9780008220983
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