All of Onika’s memories were fragmented. Her entire life was in bits and pieces. Shards of glass that were impossible to connect or glue back together. There was no history. No coherent narrative of her childhood. This made it easy for Onika to keep secrets. Her past was a mystery even to herself.
“I’m looking forward to knowing you better, Onika. Everything about you is interesting to me.”
“I feel the same way about you. We will know each other intimately by the time we’re through.”
“By the time we’re through?” he asked.
“Well, I grew up learning that everyone is temporary. Parents and everyone else. So I don’t count on forever.”
“People are temporary. That is so very true. I think that is one of the reasons why I reject typical monogamy.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that I don’t make commitments that I have no intention of keeping. I’m honest about it, because I don’t want to hurt anyone,” he explained.
“So you date multiple women?”
“I have in the past. Right now, I’m only seeing you.”
That was good enough for Onika for the time being. She didn’t know a guy who wasn’t seeing multiple women at a time. The difference between Aaron and those guys was that he told the truth about it. There was something incredibly appealing about a man telling the entire truth.
Onika wished she could tell her truth, and one day she would, but not yet. Not until she was sure someone couldn’t whisk this dream away, because she had no intention of waking up.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Onika sat across the table from Aaron in his Atlanta apartment, eating takeout from his favorite seafood restaurant: crab cakes and lemon pepper shrimp with whipped mashed potatoes and asparagus. One day, they’d be able to go out to dinner, but Onika didn’t mind sharing these private times with Aaron.
They had continued their secret relationship for almost a year. Had gone nonstop since the summer all the way to the following spring. Her entire sophomore year at Robinson had been given to Aaron. There wasn’t a guy in Atlanta who could hold a candle to Aaron. She pretended to entertain their attention, but she never went out with them. She never even let it go past the conversation phase.
Aaron looked like he had something on his mind. Onika felt her stomach do flips, wondering what he could want to say. She knew it couldn’t be anything life-altering like marriage, but it seemed important.
“Nikki . . . I love you. I can’t believe I am saying this out loud, but I do. I am in love with you.”
“I love you too, babe,” Onika said.
A declaration of love from Aaron made the night complete.
Everything was perfect. Onika would cross over tonight, as an official Epsilon Phi Beta sister. They would be her sisters for life, and she’d always have someone to call when she was in need. But her sisters knew Nikki, not Onika.
No one knew Onika.
Onika was dead and buried, just like her life in Goldsboro, North Carolina. She had been reborn, metamorphosed, had shed her caterpillar body, and put on pink and silver wings.
And Aaron had professed his love. It couldn’t get better than this. This was perfection.
“What does it mean for us, now that you’re in love and I am in love? Do we think of a future together?”
Onika didn’t want to press, but that part was important. The future part. The “’til death do us part” part. The baby carriage and white picket fence part. Or the gated community part.
“I think right now it means a deeper level of knowing one another.”
“Oh?”
She was hoping for something more concrete. Maybe a designation of only girlfriend instead of main girlfriend.
“You’re looking for a title?”
“Me being in love with you means that I don’t want anyone else.”
“We’re two different people, Nikki. Do you realize how huge this is? Me saying I’m in love with you? I have never told anyone else that.”
“But you won’t be faithful.”
“I disagree. I am being faithful to who I am, and I am being honest with you. If I stop loving you, I will tell you that, too.”
“I don’t see why you need multiple women.”
“You can have multiple men if you want them. I don’t put limits on my pleasure. If you want to limit yourself to just me, that is your choice. I don’t love you with my penis, Nikki.”
“So you don’t make love to me. You just sex me?”
“I am saying my sexual urges are completely separate from my heart.”
“Are you saying we will never marry?” Onika asked, seeking to understand Aaron and put herself in a good place with all of this.
“I am not saying that. Marriage has legal and civil benefits. It is not a measure of love.”
Mrs. Richard’s voice rang in Onika’s head. She couldn’t tell if Aaron was sincere or had some of the best game ever played. Either way, it didn’t matter. Onika’s love was unwavering and solid in spite of Aaron’s need for more than one woman.
“Nikki, this is me baring my soul to you. I am telling you all this, because I want you in my life, and I want you to have all the facts about me. Don’t judge me for it.”
How could she judge him for living his truth? She wished she could do the same.
“Aaron. My real name is Onika. Not Nikki.”
“Onika is a much more unique name than Nikki. Why don’t you use it?”
“I left Onika in North Carolina.”
Aaron took both of Onika’s hands in his. He kissed them both tenderly.
“I won’t judge you. Ever. Remember that, if nothing else.”
Onika nodded, but she didn’t believe him. No one’s love was unconditional. Everyone had a limit. She wasn’t willing to test Aaron’s limit any further. He could know her name, but he could never know about Judy.
And that meant that Dr. Richard could never tell either. And thanks to his appetite for one of Onika’s sorority sisters, Onika knew exactly how to keep him quiet.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Onika called a meeting with Dr. Richard, off campus at a coffee shop. He’d honored her request and even congratulated her on taking initiative. Onika knew he assumed she wanted a raise or more responsibility. When he found out the true nature of their meeting, she doubted he’d be so congratulatory.
“Thank you for meeting me here, Dr. Richard,” Onika said.
“Of course. I take mentoring seriously. Any time you need to speak with me, just put the meeting on my calendar.”
“Thank you, Dr. Richard. You’re also mentoring one of my line sisters, Angelica Rogers. She told me just how passionately you take your mission.”
Onika stared at Dr. Richard as the words sank in. His caramel-colored face went from pale to crimson. She waited for his response. Wasn’t going to say another word until he acknowledged what she knew.
“You want something,” he finally said, “or you wouldn’t be here meeting with me. What do you want?”
“Nothing too difficult. Mutual silence.”
“I don’t have anything to bargain with here. I don’t have any dirt on you.”
“Not dirt, but you are the only one here who knows about my mother. I want to keep it that way.”
Sudden recognition appeared on Dr. Richard’s face.
“You haven’t told Aaron.”
Onika frowned. How did Dr. Richard know about her and Aaron? They’d been extremely careful.
“Are you shocked that I know about the two of you?” Dr. Richard asked. “You shouldn’t be. Aaron doesn’t keep secrets. If you ask him a direct question, he’ll give you a direct answer. It is one of the things I truly respect about him.”
“You asked him about us?”
“I did, because my wife was concerned. When he told me he was seeing you almost exclusively, I decided not to tell her.”
Onika smarted at the words “almost exclusively”. She was suddenly regretting this conversation with Dr.
Richard.
“I’m not going to tell Aaron about my mother. He wouldn’t want me if he knew.”
“You’re right. As much as I’d like to think he would look beyond your family ties and continue your relationship, he would not.”
“I appreciate your silence Dr. Richard.”
“And I yours. I will caution you, though. No secret remains a secret forever. What will you do when he finds out?”
“What will you do with Mrs. Richard?”
“She was bought and paid for many years ago. I am not worried about what she might do. I just don’t want her hurt.”
Onika had no idea what she might do if and when Aaron found out. She didn’t want to think about it. Couldn’t.
“I am surprised, Onika, that after all I’ve done for you since you’ve been here at Robinson, you would come in and threaten me. I expected a little bit more gratitude.”
“I am very grateful. I wouldn’t even be dating Aaron if it wasn’t for your introduction and inviting me on your family’s vacation. I appreciate you more than you know.”
“But you hang my indiscretion over my head.”
“Never. I am not hanging it over your head.”
“You could’ve simply come to me and asked me not to share. I am a private man anyway. I do not share other people’s secrets. Look at how I’ve kept silent about you and Aaron. But, you chose to threaten me.”
“I apologize if you took it as a threat. It wasn’t meant to be threatening. It was meant to be insurance.”
Dr. Richard shook his head. “You look at me as a potential threat.”
“Everyone is a potential threat.”
“Yes, you’re definitely one of my wife’s protégées. You need to learn to identify your allies, Onika. I am one of them.”
Onika believed him, but she also knew that people changed. Those who were allies one day could become enemies. Having insurance was better.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
For her graduation present, Aaron gave Onika a diamond bracelet. Her arm trembled as he clasped it on her wrist.
“Aaron, it’s beautiful.”
“It’s to celebrate. The ceremony will be our coming-out party. As soon as you cross the stage, everyone can know.”
Onika had gotten so used to keeping their secret that she didn’t even know how to take it public. She’d tell her sorority sisters, of course, and Mrs. Richard. She would be angry that Onika had lied, but she’d get over it.
“We can meet each other’s families,” Aaron said. “My mother has been hounding me. She wants to meet you. And your family. . .”
“I told you, love, I don’t have family. At least not family I know. Will your family care that I don’t have a pedigree?”
“No one cares about that. They are two generations from poverty. I guess I have a pedigree, but my grandma damn sure didn’t, and neither did my mother. You’ll be fine.”
“That makes me feel better.”
“My mother will be happy as soon as you give her a grandchild.”
“Which I will do as soon as I become a wife.”
Aaron laughed. “You still ascribe to these old-fashioned constructs. Marriage is spiritual. Our souls are intertwined.”
Onika remained silent. She already knew his thoughts on the matter. They had discussed it at length. He didn’t believe marriage validated their love. She wanted the title.
“If you found out you were pregnant with my child, right now, what would you do?”
She was about to graduate from college, with a substitute teaching job lined up. That wouldn’t be enough to raise a child, and a baby’s father never had to stay around if he didn’t want to. A baby right now would be tragic.
“We don’t have to worry about that because I take my birth control pill every day.”
“What if I asked you to stop?”
“Why would you do that?”
“Because we would make beautiful babies.”
“My career . . .”
He laughed. “Teaching is not a career. It’s charity work. I have millions, sweetie. You don’t need to work.”
“I didn’t go to college to meet a man. I went to get educated and then have a career.”
Aaron laughed and shook his head. “Listen to what you’re saying, Onika, and imagine what your mentor would say. She would tell you that you’ve got a great situation here, and you’d do well not to mess it up.”
She would never tell him that her mentors had warned her about him. Had taken her to the side and told her he was nothing but a playboy. That he’d probably be broke by the age of forty and need to be bailed out by his parents. They were warning her to ensure she didn’t make a young girl’s mistakes with a debonair man.
“I am thinking of maybe going to law school in a couple of years.”
Aaron’s face wrinkled. “Why would you do that? Law school is so unnecessary. If you want to do something with your life, help me build my legacy.”
Aaron sounded ridiculous to Onika. She wasn’t helping him build anything. She was going to take her birth control and act like she had good sense. She’d give Aaron what he needed when she had what she needed. And not a moment before.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Onika never started her teaching job. She moved from Atlanta to Washington DC, to Aaron’s main house. He gave her a ring, said it was a promise of wonderful things to come. Not of marriage. He never once promised that, but he did say that she would never have to worry about anything as long as they were together. Onika accepted that. It was enough.
Aaron was not opposed to Onika having a career, but he did have certain expectations of her. So she decided that she had no time for teaching. Her job was loving Aaron.
Loving included caring for the sprawling town house, which was within walking distance of Capitol Hill. Loving was sharing his bed, his tub, his shower, the cherrywood desk in his office, and his kitchen sink, among other places. Love was attending every networking event, every fraternity/sorority function, and every yacht party in Annapolis. This love was her career—an ever-consuming career that took all of her energy and time.
When people asked if they were engaged, Aaron dodged the question with platitudes like, “Every man needs a good woman by his side.” He’d punctuate those lines with a wink and a smile, the hearer believing he or she was privy to Aaron’s mysterious life. Onika knew he was avoiding facts. He had no intention of marrying her.
In the beginning, this bothered Onika. The uncertainty of her future left her feeling uncomfortable, and then somewhere along the way she got numb to it. She’d accepted that uncertainty as the price of Aaron’s love. It was a love that left her feeling addicted. She was Judy’s child. It was inevitable that she’d be addicted to something.
Although she felt comfortable with Aaron’s love, she panicked when she saw the double line on the pregnancy test indicating that she was carrying his child. She knew exactly when she’d conceived. It was when Aaron had whisked her off to Grenada on a surprise trip. She’d forgotten her birth control pills at home. They’d used condoms for the most part, but she couldn’t be sure they’d used them every time.
In Grenada, Onika had thrown caution to the wind. Staring at the pregnancy test results, she’d wept. Sat on that toilet and wept for a good two hours, because she knew she wasn’t keeping the baby.
How could she have a child with a man who wasn’t committed? As much as she loved Aaron and wanted to raise his children, she drew the line there. She had abandoned her teaching career for his love, but she knew she could resume it anytime. That was a temporary decision. A child was a forever decision, and she refused to make that decision without a commitment from the man. A commitment she knew was probably never coming.
* * *
Lying on that table in stirrups traumatized Onika so much that she couldn’t go home to Aaron right away. She needed a reprieve. So after the recovery time was over, she left on her own, against the nurse’s advice. Didn’t wait for a ride. In an un
safe fog of leftover anesthesia, Onika drove, powered on Starbucks and melancholy. She kept driving south for five and a half hours until she was at her grandmother’s house in North Carolina. She drove Aaron’s BMW onto that little dirt driveway and immediately felt out of place, though she’d played in that dirt as a little girl.
She sat there in the car, wondering if she should get out and knock on the door. It was home. She could use the key tucked away at the bottom of her purse. Unless Earlene had changed the locks, something that wouldn’t surprise Onika at all.
Then she was out of time for decisions. Earlene stepped out on the porch, looking exactly the same as she had five years ago. Solid, still, mean. It didn’t stop Onika from wanting to run to her and feel something close to love.
“Who’s in that car?” Earlene yelled, her view obstructed by the tinted windows.
Onika considered flight. Still had a chance to speed off and disappear into the evening, and keep the promise she made to herself to never return to Goldsboro.
She chose to get out of the car, though. Seeing Earlene made Onika want to touch the only family she had.
“My, my, my.”
Earlene’s three words dripped with every vile thought she must have about her granddaughter. Onika heard hatred, disgust, melancholy, and sadness. Onika heard the pain of a five-year absence.
“Hi, Grandma,” Onika said as she stepped into clear view.
“I don’t have a granddaughter.”
“Grandma, do you realize you’ve never once told me you love me.”
Earlene stood silent.
“Do you? Do you love me at all?”
For some reason, Onika wanted to hear the words from her grandmother. She’d heard them from Judy, but only when she was high or having a breakdown. Judy’s love never came wrapped in joy. It was always packaged in sorrow.
The woman who had taken care of her, and had introduced her to God, had never felt the need to declare her love. Onika wondered if her grandmother was afraid to love again, after she’d given her entire heart to Judy and had it broken. Was that the reason Onika could only receive the minimum? Food, clothing, shelter was all her grandmother had ever given her.
Her Secret Life Page 6