''But, during the end credits, there was footage of the real guy, the real guy that it happened to, the interview, brainwashing, the staging, the look on his face…''
''That's some friend of mine, I filmed that. It looked real, eh? Well, it isn't.''
Did he said 'shit to flies'? Isn't it 'flies to shit'? That would mean that Hollywood folk are shit. Hahah! Speakin' of shit…
''Edwin, I have to go the can again. It might take time…''
Chapter thirty eight
Brass casing
Jesus Christ, he almost killed me. For doing nothing! Nothing! I asked her are her ears real, she just rolled her eyes and ignored me. I was just curious. I stroke her ears a little bit to see are they real, nothing else. He hit me and aimed an arrow at me for that! For nothing! Jesus! They went to the mountains afterwards. They no longer want to be a part of our group. Cleitus said that we should wait for him here, he said it's safe because there's no traces of life.
He's wrong. I just found a brass bullet casing on the ground.
Kristen. She's beautiful. She's in a conversation with that Jove guy. I can't hear what they're saying, but she's smiling, she's in the good mood. Beautiful. She hates me. I disgust her. She screamed at me, she said so many vicious and cruel things to me after Alice killed herself, but that wasn't my fault. I only took her to Convention-con. Blame the world, blame her parents, it's not my fault. I know that she would stop hating me, maybe she would even like me, if we would spend some time together, like, alone on this mountain. I would show her that I'm really one good and caring guy.
I don't know what he said, but she bursted into laughter, she laughed so hard that she had to press her stomach with her hands and bend over so much that her beautiful hair touched the ground. God, you're gorgeous, I love you. He put his hands on her shoulders. Why are you letting him touch you, Alice?
I don't like that man. He didn't do nothing wrong to me, but I just… He tried saving Alice, and he talked to me afterwards, he was polite, asked me how I feel, how well did I know Alice, and that's fine, but the way that he looked at me, he stared at my face, at my eyes, my shoes, my hands, my clothes. It was like he was estimating me, weighing me on some scale… He's obviously one of those extravagant big city guys that girls bleed for. Arrogant, patronising, one moment asking me how I am, pretending he cares, next moment walking next to me like I don't exist. And what kind of name is that? Jove. Even his name has to be unique to show how unique he is. Common names are not good enough for him. Just look at that crazy grin on his face, come on, Kristen, how can't you see that?
Gunshot. Gunshots. Cleitus and Emily are just returning from wherever they were. More gunshots.
''Everybody, gather, who's missing?'', said Cleitus.
''The elves have gone to the mountains, they decided to go on, on their own'', said Lempo.
''We have to go to the source of that shooting, and find out what happened. We have to be fast'', said Cleitus.
We rushed up the mountain slope, Cleitus and Jove and Laszlo went up so fast I could barely follow them. It took us some time, but we reached some plain on the mountainside. People. Maybe a dozen of them, standing around dead bodies on the ground. We went closer and I got a better look of them. Bearded men in old military uniforms. Mujahedins. No doubt. They killed the elves. There they are, dead on the ground. Two of their men are dead also. Shit, they saw us! Their aiming their guns at us! Metal squeaked, and their weapons fell apart in their arms. Emily did it to them. God, she's powerful. She's not the girl I talked to at the convention.
''Any of you speak any English?!'', said Cleitus.
''We all do'', said the mujahedin: ''I'm lieutenant Elias Bodfish of the US navy, and these are my men.''
I'll be damned.
''Navy?!'', spoke Cleitus in anger: ''Well goddamnit lieutenant! The people you killed were Americans! Americans!''
''Oh, no… How the fuck could we know that?!'', yelled the lieutenant: ''They came shooting arrows at us looking like some warriors from outer space! They killed two of my men! Just look at their demon eyes!''
''Those are contacts…'', said resigned Cleitus: ''They're just people.''
No one knew what to say to all this. The lieutenant spoke first.
''Is it Halloween back home? Here, we've lost track of time.''
''No'', said Cleitus: ''Well, for some, every day is Halloween.''
Lieutenant asked him can they talk in private and they went aside, and I couldn't hear them anymore.
Chapter thirty nine
Hangover in Kandahar
''I thought you were a bunch of ragheads.''
''I noticed that.''
''So what's up with the beards... and the outfits… and everything else?''
They don't look like the army, they look like filthy hobos.
''We've been stuck in these mountains for a very long time.''
''You couldn't find a way to the next level?''
''I don't understand what you're asking me.''
''You haven't tried leaving the mountains?''
''Of course we have. We're trying it ever since we got here. We're still trying. We tried south, then east, we tried going west and north. It's no use. Whatever we tried, we couldn't leave the mountains behind us, I know it's impossible, but they never end. Afghan mountains never end.''
This is Afghanistan?
''How did you get here in the first place?''
''This is probably still classified and I shouldn't talk about it, but since everything has gone to custard, I'm going to be honest with you, son, and I expect honesty in return. That clear?''
Son. It's clear, Dixie.
''Yes.''
''In 2006, I reckon that's eight years ago, we were airdropped to these mountains with the mission to apprehend, or take out, captain Terror himself. Osama Bin Laden. Informations the intelligence gave us located him in one of the mountain caves. Me and my boys raided the cave, we found the evidence of his presence, but not and him. We headed for the extraction point, but we just couldn't find it. Our maps were no good. Soon we realized there's no way out. And that he's here. Watching us. We saw him riding through the skies on some strange dragon-like animal, chanting prayers to Allah, and puking fire at us. We shot at him, but it's no use. He always keeps coming back.''
''Who pukes fire?!''
''Both him and his animal. Him. Bin Laden. We had a good look of him many times. There's no mistake it's him.''
''Bodfish. Listen to me. Bin Laden was killed back in 2011. He was living in some mansion with his wife and kids somewhere in Pakistan. CIA located him there. Special Ops raided the place and wacked him on spot. They dropped his body in some far and deep sea so no one would ever come visit his grave.''
''That sounds like one of those creation myths, and out of his head sky was created, out of his blood the sea and the rivers, right? Or that fairytale, egg in the fish, fish in the duck, duck in the fox, and fox in Bin Laden on the bottom of the sea. C'mon, boy, bottom of the sea, seriously?! Did they remember to drive a wooden stake through his heart?!''
''Make fun, make fun. That's the official statement of Pentagon, your fuckin' employers, not me. I didn't make this up!''
He doesn't believe me.
''You weren't airdropped into Afghanistan from the maps, Bodfish, this here is a different level of reality. A whole different world. Strange and unreal with pink dinosaurs. This isn't Afghanistan, this is 'Porky in Wackyland'!''
I shouldn't of mention those pink gwangis. Not only doesn't he believe me now, but he thinks I'm insane.
''Never mind.''
I spoke loud so they can all hear me.
''I understand that what happened here was an accident. Let's just bury our dead.''
They covered the dead bodies with rocks, that was the only thing they could do. I had them all gather around and hold hands. I touched the two standing closest to me and puff! Bunch of hobos appeared in the Pine Cone Center park.
''This is California. F
ind your way home from here.''
Yeah, you welcome.
Chapter forty
Yalla, yalla
I was thinking about those soldiers. I mean, how did they survive out here for who knows how long? What did they eat? All the plant life is scarce and pretty much dead. As for animals, only thing I found here are snails. Mostly small ones, with colorful shells. I picked one up. Black, white and brown spirals on his shell creating something beautiful. Little mollusk doesn't know how pretty he is. I thought there's nothing here beside them. The dimension of snails. I was wrong. Then he appeared.
It flew out of the clouds towards us. Unlike anything I've ever seen fly. It's some sort of shrimp. A giant crustacean that defies gravity. It made weirdest noise, like someone's shouthing in Arabic. Then I noticed some growth on its back. That growth is actually a person, a rider. When it came closer, Marky, Laszlo and I tried taking it down, we hit it a couple of times, but it did nothing to it. It landed on the top of one nearby hill, and it's still standing there, looking at us.
''What is that?''
Laszlo just shrugged.
''I think I know'', said Jove: ''One of the marines mentioned something that fits description. Kinda.''
Before they left, Jove talked to them. He took Cleit's cigars and offered each of them. The rest of us kept aside. Their look didn't exactly inspire confidence. But, they were probably even more afraid of us. We shoot thunderbolts out of our hands.
''What did he say?''
''He said they came here looking for Bin Laden, and that they found him, riding on a dragon.''
''What?!''
''It could be him. But he's too far to say anything for sure.''
''He's definitely bearded'', said Laszlo: ''And that could be a kalash hanging around his neck.''
''It makes sense'', said Jove: ''It makes perfect sense for planet Earth's most wanted man to hide in one empty and deserted reality like this. Who knows who else is hiding in here.''
''Oh, come on! You're serious about this? That motherfucker is dead, it was all over the news!''
''Yeah, I remember. That wasn't very convincing. No body, no pictures, no nothing. Seemed like a publicity stunt to me, like when somebody's boob escapes at the music awards. Just sayin', yo.''
I don't believe it. Could it be him? Could it be that that fiend is still alive? That his blood soaked money bought him an entire dimension where he feels like home?
''You really think it's him?''
''I don't know'', said Jove: ''But I wouldn't exclude the possibility. Let me try something.''
He climbed on one boulder so the shrimp rider could see him better. He put his hands around his mouth, and yelled like a maniac.
''IS THAT YOU BASHA?! ASSALAMU ALAIKUM BASHA!''
Then he made irritating and loud throat sounds trying to imitate the way Arabs speak. And laughed like an idiot. 'Basha' got of his prawn and shouted back. He took his kalashnikov and fired to the sky. Jove and Laszlo laughed like two morons. I grabbed Jove for his belt and pulled him of that boulder.
''Did you have your fun?''
He wrapped his arms around me.
''Now help me kill him.''
''What? Why?''
''Because that's what he deserves.''
He took the grin off his face and released me from his embrace.
''No… Krissy, he did nothing to me.''
Krissy?
''He did nothing to you?! Guy that has become the number one celebrity of evil and death in the collective consciousness of the world that values life? Seriously, Jove?! Help me blow his lights out.''
''Coming into somebody's house uninvited and blowing his lights out is a pretty vile thang to do, whatever your world values. No.''
I thought he has a thing for me. I was sure he'll humor me for that.
''I don't get you Jove.''
''I like blowing lights out'', said Laszlo, strange man with the sword: ''Let's go.''
I went with him and Marky to hunt that beast down. Alden also joined us, although no one invited him. I looked back. Jove sits alone on the boulder and watches us. I don't get you Jove.
Chapter forty one
Supermensch
''Hubert, are you listening?''
He got his face off the tablecloth and sat straight in the chair.
''I'm listening.''
''Asimbala Carter died, it's on google news.''
''Tragic. I'll drink for her immortal soul.''
He spilled half of his drink on the ground and swallowed the rest. And poured more in the glass. He claims that alcohol that the ground takes in is a drink for the dead, 'cause they're in the ground.
''Wasn't she suppose to be here today, to promote some movie or somethin' ?''
''She was.''
''Strange. How did she die?''
'' 'No informations about circumstances of her death have been released yet…', it goes on about how many records she sold and how many Grammys she won.''
''She probably overdosed on something.''
''You think?''
''I mean, they're all overdosed, first thing they overdose on is money. Then it's alcohol, drugs, sex, life. They have more than they can bare. Insatiable capacities.''
Some dude came running from PCC across the road. He stopped here, at 'Constantinople', with cell in his hand. I'd say he's grabbin' cafe's wifi. Now he's dialing.
''Hey man, listen, you won't believe what just happened at Convention-con. Like, five minutes ago. They were suppose to premiere trailer for 'The Pulverizer' at hall one, whole place was full like a matchbox. You won't believe me, man, I filmed the whole fuckin' thing, and uploaded it to youtube. Just now. Yeah, that's the link in the message. Or, you can just type 'Supermensch'. Call Taylor and Spongebomb, give them the link, I'll call Ewan. Fine, I'll call Spongebomb, just check the video, man, I'm going inside, he's still there.''
He left. What was that all about?
''Type'', said Hubert.
S-U-P-E-R-M-E-N-S-C-H. There's dozens of videos containing the fraze in their titles. But, only one uploaded today.
''That's the one.''
Play. I moved my chair closer to Hubert so he can see better. Crowd. Noise. There's a big black curtain hiding the stage. You can't see behind it. The curtain goes down. Oohs and aahs. Masked and caped figure stands at the pulpit.
''Fear not, citizens!'', he exclaimed in the mic: ''I will protect you from the crime!''
''Shit, that's Sacha Baron Cohen!''
Holy shit, it is him. He stepped away from the pulpit, and you could see that he's not wearing any pants. His genitals and his ass are showing. He poses for the cameras. Hubert bursted into laughter. Con's security climbed on the stage to get him, but he flew into the air. You heard well, he flew into the air. With his dick hanging.
Maniacs in The Fourth Dimension Page 11