by KE Payne
“Listen, you didn’t make her go see those guys in the first place, Tal.” Alex looked at me. “There had to be other reasons—something else going on in her life—that made her take that first hit.”
“Tell that to the voices in my head.”
Alex sat up straighter. “How is she now?” she asked. “I mean, is she clean?”
“She says so.” I sighed. “Funnily enough, when I went to see her, she wasn’t so keen to talk pleasantries with me.”
“And ‘Perspectives’?” Alex asked. “You wrote that for her?”
“My lame way of telling her I’m sorry,” I said. “Maybe a way of easing my guilt, I don’t know.”
Alex reached over and took my hand. I looked down at it, nestled in mine, and felt a warmth spread up my arm.
“You have to stop beating yourself up over Nicole,” Alex said softly. “People get rejected all the time. It doesn’t mean they have to go out and take a shitload of drugs to get over someone.” Her brow creased. “That sounded harsh,” she said. “What I meant was, Nicole took stuff to ease her unhappiness over…whatever it was that was making her unhappy. You, her life, her music. Who knows?” Alex shrugged. “What you have to remember, when you’re down on yourself over it, is that she’s in the right place now, getting help.” She tilted her head and smiled at me. “Maybe it was all a cry for help. Maybe she just needed a little time out.”
“But she told me it was my fault,” I said, my voice cracking. “She swore and screamed at me and I hated myself for what I’d done.”
“She only said it because she wanted to punish you for hurting her,” Alex said. “So she told you something she knew would hurt you back.” She indicated to the sheet of paper with “Perspectives” written on it. “Write your song, Tal. Get it out. Show her you’re sorry, then try to move on.”
I followed Alex’s eyes to the paper and sighed.
She was right, I knew. I did have to move on. I did have to stop beating myself up over Nicole.
Easy, right?
Chapter Fifteen
It was nearly nine p.m. by the time Alex and I realized we hadn’t eaten. Time flies when you’re having the time of your life, sitting in the comfort of your own apartment, writing music with someone you liked, I guessed.
“Takeaway?” Alex asked. She extended her arms above her head and gave a sort of yodelling yawn. “I’m starving.”
“I’ve kept you here forever.” I dropped the sheet of manuscript paper with all our scribblings on it next to me. “I’m so sorry.”
“You’re kidding, right?” Alex looked at me. “I’ve had the best time ever.” She pulled her knees up. “And we’ve got this little beauty all finished.” She nodded her head down to the paper on the floor.
I followed her gaze down and felt a rush of satisfaction. “Perspectives” was written and, I thought, was pretty near perfect. I just hoped Brooke and Robyn felt the same way when they eventually heard it. I slipped a look over to Alex. And I hoped they wouldn’t be pissed with me that they hadn’t been involved in any of the writing.
I tried to push that thought to the back of my head, because I didn’t want it to spoil what had been the perfect evening. Now, as the evening light was waning and casting a deep orange glow throughout my apartment, I was happy to let “Perspectives” play over in my head, and for Alex to be with me for as long as she wanted to be. I stole another look to her, her head flopped back on my sofa, and figured she didn’t look as though she was ready to go anywhere.
My stomach gave a low grumble, reminding me how late it was.
“You didn’t answer my question about a takeaway,” Alex said, not lifting her head, “but your stomach just did.”
A broad grin spread across her face, making me laugh.
“There’s a pizza place downstairs,” I said, scrabbling to my feet. “Or Indian. Or Chinese. Take your pick.”
“Pizza sounds awesome.” Alex got to her feet too.
I grabbed my wallet from the kitchen and thumbed out a note, then turned to see Alex standing in the doorway, watching me. She was resting a shoulder against the door frame, her hands in her pockets, and looked…happy. Content. Like she belonged there. I liked seeing her there. It felt right and, I don’t know, comfortable.
As I approached her, she said, “You stay here. I can run down and fetch us something,” and held up a scrunched up twenty-pound note in her hand.
I held up mine too and laughed.
“You can’t pay for pizza when I’ve kept you here all day,” I said, still laughing.
“Who says?” she asked, not moving from the doorway.
“Me.” I stood in front of her. “Seriously, Alex. This is on me. You’ve no idea how grateful I am you gave up your day to help me.”
“I didn’t give up anything.” Alex shrugged. “I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.”
She looked at me for the longest time, until I finally broke the gaze.
“You’re still not paying for pizza,” I said.
“Okay,” she said, reaching over and pulling the note from my hand, “but I’m fetching it.”
Before I could protest, she’d pushed herself away from the door and was making for my front door.
“Do you always get your own way?” I called from the kitchen.
“Oh yes.” Alex looked back over her shoulder to me, one eyebrow raised. “Always.”
*
“One large pepperoni pizza.”
The smell was amazing. Alex handed me the box, and I lifted it to my nose and sniffed it some more.
“How did you know that was my favourite?” I asked.
“I took a gamble.” She wandered back into the lounge and sank into the sofa. “Guess I was right, huh?”
I followed her in and was just about to ask her about garlic dip when she pointed to a small pot on the table in front of her.
“And before you ask,” she said, “yeah. Garlic dip.”
I sat next to her. Could she be any more perfect right now?
The pizza was awesome, and as I bit into my slice, I made a mental note to tell Anando, the guy that ran the place, that I thought he made the best pizzas this side of the Thames.
“I was thinking about ‘Perspectives’ while I was waiting for the pizza to arrive,” Alex said, putting her half-eaten slice back in the box then wiping her mouth with a tissue. “I think a modulation in verse three could work.”
“You were still thinking about it?” That was cute.
“Of course.” Alex picked her slice of pizza back up again. “It’s an awesome song. It’s officially my new earworm.”
I laughed.
“So are you happy with it?” Alex asked through a mouthful of pizza. She had a string of cheese on her bottom lip which I was just about to point out when she licked it off. “You should play it for me again.”
“Totally.” I crammed the last of my pizza into my mouth and wiped my hands down my trousers, a habit of mine that my mum always loathed, then picked up my guitar. The intro sounded good, and I smiled down at the guitar as I picked at the strings, knowing I had the chords just as I wanted them to sound, and knowing how well they’d melt into the first line.
I sang my vocals, occasionally glancing over to Alex, who was nodding her approval. She reached past my feet and picked up the manuscript paper from the floor, then started singing with me, our voices blending into one another’s. For the first time that day, Nicole didn’t slip into my thoughts as I sang the words I’d written to her. Instead, I focused my attention on Alex, drawing energy from her singing, feeling a connection with her that was so profound, it was almost overwhelming.
As I played the last chord on my guitar, Alex threw herself back on the sofa, raised her hands above her head, and clapped.
“It sounds amazing.” Alex turned to me then, her face flushed from the singing, looking bright and alive.
“I know, right?” I put my guitar back down.
“Our first song that we wrote
together.” She looked happy.
“Our first number one together, bet you,” I said.
“I like your thinking.” Alex smiled.
A silence nestled between us, but it wasn’t an awkward one. Instead, it seemed to me to be one of a shared satisfaction of a job well done, and of a comfort in one another’s company.
As if reading my mind, Alex suddenly said, “This is nice. Pizza, writing music. Hanging out.” The look on her face made me smile. “I think I could get used to this.”
I loved that she said that.
I figured I could easily get used to it as well.
Chapter Sixteen
I woke up the next morning to a text. From Alex.
Come and play? xxx
She’d left me shortly before midnight the night before, after we’d had another jam of “Perspectives” and then had rounded the evening off watching a crap horror DVD that Robyn had let me have months before, and that was about as scary as Bambi. Then Alex had gone, and I figured I must have lain in bed for a good hour thinking about our evening together before I finally fell asleep.
Now, reading her text, I couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my face. Couldn’t stem the warmth that flooded my body. I read her text for a third time, this time focusing on the three kisses she’d put at the end. Should I have felt this happy? The sense of anticipation of an afternoon hanging out in the sunshine with Alex was profound, and my mind was already racing ahead to what I ought to wear. It was only after I’d scrambled out of bed and had emptied the entire contents of my wardrobe on my bedroom floor that the reality kicked in: it was just an afternoon out with Alex. I should have felt the same as I would have done if Brooke or Robyn had texted me and asked me to hang out too, but I didn’t. The prospect of being with Alex was different—better—than any afternoon with anyone else, and I knew it was pointless me trying to deny it.
I moved the pile of clothes up into a heap with my foot and, in the process, unearthed a pair of faded jeans I’d not seen in months. I bent down and picked them up. I just needed to throw some clothes on and stop thinking too much about anything. Spend the afternoon with Alex. Eat ice cream. Watch the kids that always hung around the park playing football. Walk. Talk. Like friends do.
Yeah. Just like friends do.
*
The park was quieter than I’d thought it would be. The heatwave that still hung over the UK showed no signs of going anywhere fast, and it seemed the scattering of people that were there were keen to make the most of it while it lasted. Strolling tourists mingled with cyclists on paths and a handful of children feeding ducks, while somewhere in the distance I was certain I could hear a brass band playing, over, I presumed, in the large bandstand by the café. It was all very…English.
It was midday, and the sun was now at its highest point in the sky. As I walked with Alex, I squinted up into the perfect blue sky, unblemished except for the criss-cross of snowy white vapour trails left by the morning’s passing planes.
“Here?” Alex asked, pulling my gaze from the sky back to her. She was pointing to a spot under a tree which was some way from us. “Or would you rather sit out here in the sun?”
I weighed up my options for a moment, then thought about my already deeply suntanned skin, and chose the tree option. I walked with Alex over to the tree, briefly waiting for her as she deviated from her path to kick a stray football back to its owner, then fell back into step with her.
Finally, with the rucksack with our picnic in it dropped at our feet, we both sank down onto the rough grass. A silence followed as we both sat, our backs against the tree, and watched the activities in the park around us. I drew my knees up closer to my chest and circled my arms around them, hugging them closer to me, then blankly watched two dogs chasing each other across the grass.
“This is perfect.”
Alex voiced my thoughts, and as I turned to meet her eye, a ghost of a smile touched her lips. She looked so happy. As happy as she had in my apartment the night before, and I did briefly wonder if it was my company that was making her so content, or our surroundings.
My thoughts drifted first to Brooke, then to Robyn, having their shopping marathon just across London. Oxford Street was just a stone’s throw from us, but to me, it could have been miles away. My days off in the past had invariably been like that: shopping for clothes I neither liked nor wanted, followed by dinner crammed into a noisy, sweaty London restaurant where we’d have to shout at one another to be heard over the noise.
Back then Nicole had always loved our days off. But it wasn’t always the same for me; there were times when I’d have loved nothing more than to just hang out somewhere quiet—a country park, the beach. I’d rarely want to do anything she or Brooke or Robyn wanted to do, but so I wouldn’t ever be accused of being boring, or a killjoy, I’d always comply. That’s how it had been, more often than not. Appeasement. Submission.
I slipped a look to Alex. This, to me, was perfection. Sitting in the peace and quiet of a park, far away from the hustle and bustle of the city, with someone I really wanted to be with.
I couldn’t stop looking at Alex. Her face was raised to the sun, allowing me a few precious moments to properly study her. The sun liked her, I decided, accentuating the smattering of freckles high on her cheeks, while giving her skin a beautiful honeyed tone.
A shout from across the park made Alex open her eyes, immediately pulling my attention away. I gazed out across the park, trying to see if I could see who’d called out, then made some pithy comment to Alex about the moment being ruined, which made her laugh. I liked her laugh, I decided. More than that, I liked that I’d been able to make her laugh.
“Do you suppose it’s too early to break open the sandwiches?” Alex asked, looking down at the rucksack next to her. “I thought maybe we could seek out an ice cream van later this afternoon,” she said, “if you want?”
Alex wanted a later. She wanted the day to go on.
“Ice cream with chocolate flakes?” I asked, tilting my head to one side.
“Ice cream with whatever you want in it.” Alex laughed again, and my sense of satisfaction intensified.
We held each other’s gaze, matching smiles on our faces.
Another shout, closer this time, and I turned round just in time to see a dog approaching, its tail a wagging blur. It briefly snuffled around us, then sat next to Alex and leant against her. She pulled on its ears and whispered to it that it was lovely, then scrambled to her feet and pointed to a red-faced middle-aged woman who was jogging towards us, a lead dangling loosely in her hand. I watched as Alex met her halfway, heard the light laugh, the lifting of her hands, the brief touch of the woman’s arm that I guessed meant Alex was telling her not to stress about her dog. From where I was sitting, I could see the smile on the woman’s face, then saw Alex bend over and ruffle the dog’s head, before returning to me.
“She said her dog loved people,” Alex said as she flopped back down next to me. “I told her I loved dogs.” She blew her fringe from her eyes. “Just as well, hey?”
“How old’s yours?” I asked.
“Jasper?” Alex asked. “Four.” A smile spread across her face. “I miss him every day.”
“We never had dogs at home,” I said, opening the rucksack and pulling our tightly wrapped sandwiches out. “Just cats.”
“We have a cat too, somewhere,” Alex said. She took her sandwich from me and started to unwrap it.
“Somewhere?”
“It lives outside.” She shrugged. “Seems happy enough. She comes in occasionally to eat, then disappears into the night again.”
“Sounds like Robyn.”
Alex grinned as she bit into her sandwich.
“I’m going home this weekend, actually,” she said between mouthfuls. “I figured I’d make the most of it being a long weekend.”
A small pang of disappointment which had apparently appeared from nowhere, hit my chest. Trying to ignore it, I picked up my sandwich and
bit into it.
“Suffolk, right?” I asked.
“You remembered.”
“Of course I did.” I took another bite.
“Everyone’s going to be there.” Alex gazed off into the distance. “Parents, brothers.”
I’m sure I saw her visibly relax.
“It’s been too long, you know?” she said.
“I know.” I nodded. “I miss my parents too…” My words disappeared as a wasp decided to choose that moment to land on my sandwich. I flicked it off, annoying it, then spent the next few seconds trying to avoid it. “I try to see them as often as possible, but it’s not always that easy, is it?”
Alex shook her head. “Do you want to move away from the wasp?” She batted it away from me.
I shook my head. “It’s cool.”
She put her sandwich down and sprawled closer over to me, then, leaning on one hand, reached out and flicked the wasp from my shoulder.
“Why do they do that?” I asked, shuddering. “They never leave you alone.” I looked around, relieved to see that in fact the wasp had finally left me alone.
“Are you sure you’re okay here?” Alex tossed a look out to the park. “We could go find a bench somewhere else.”
“I’m fine.” I touched her arm. “Don’t stress.”
I carried on eating, thinking about how much I liked how she was with me. I liked the attention, the care. Alex made me feel special, like I was the only one that mattered to her, and while I knew she was probably like this with everyone she knew, I allowed myself to enjoy the sensation while it lasted.
“So what about you?” Alex suddenly asked. “Any plans for the weekend?”
“Staying here.” I sighed. “Although London when it’s eighty degrees is never any fun.”
“My parents live up on the coast,” Alex said. “It’s lovely when it’s like this because the sea breeze keeps things cooler.”
“I liked that living down in Brighton,” I said. “It’s what I miss the most living in London. The sea.”