by KE Payne
“Dating.”
A ton weight lifted from my shoulders.
“She made me see things differently,” Nicole said. “Made me see that everything happens for a reason.”
“You didn’t mention her before,” I said. “When I visited.”
“Because she’s none of your business,” Nicole said. “Nothing I do is any of your business any more.”
“Except you running to the press to sell your story,” I said. “Pity Freya couldn’t stop you doing that, isn’t it?”
Nicole was pathetic. I wandered away from her and over to her small piano, tucked away in the corner of her room. “At least you’re seeing someone,” I said. I picked up some sheet music and stared at it rather than looking at her. “And, trust me, Nic, that’s the best thing I’ve heard in ages.” I meant it.
A silence cut between us then because I figured I had nothing more to say than that, and I guessed Nicole had said everything she’d wanted to say to me. She was never going to apologize for going to the press, just like she was never going to elaborate over Freya.
When the silence became too much, I figured I was finally done with her and made to go, but Nicole put out a hand to me.
“Remember how we used to sit here?” she asked. “Wasting our days away just writing and playing whatever music entered our heads?”
Of course I remembered. I remembered so many times how we’d sat at that piano, one of us with a guitar in our hands, and just chilled. We’d never felt the need to speak; instead we’d slouch together in a comfortable silence, usually a bottle of something cold somewhere to hand, one of us scribbling down music, the other playing the piano or jamming.
Mostly we’d play music, but sometimes we’d put our instruments down and just talk and talk and talk. About the future. A song we’d been struggling to write. An upcoming gig. How Ed had pissed us off. Who’d go for pizza that night, because each of us was convinced it was the other’s turn, and then in the end we’d text Robyn and Brooke, invite them over, and ask them to bring pizza with them instead. That’s how we rolled back then. Silliness, companionship, bickering, laughter, and music.
When I thought about it now, it all seemed so simple.
Except now, it was all dead.
“I have something else to tell you,” Nicole said, a faint smile on her face.
“Go on.”
“Freya and I are going to California together,” she continued. “Next week. Her parents have a house somewhere out on the coast there.”
“You’re leaving?” A pinprick of something—regret? relief?—needled my skin.
“Freya knows a record producer over there,” Nicole said. “I wrote so much music while I was in Croft House, and she thinks he could really be interested.”
I opened my mouth to answer, but before I could, Nicole said, “I’m on the up, Tally. I’m clean and I’m writing again, and I have a girl who loves me and who’s prepared to take a chance on me.” She looked at me. “It’s a shame you weren’t prepared to do the same.”
I stared back at her, seeing, for the first time that day, a light in her eyes. It was a light that had been missing since before she went into rehab, and I could only assume it had been Freya who had lit it again for her.
“I’m in love, and you know what? It hasn’t affected my music,” Nicole said. “Fancy that.” She stared at me. “You know what else?”
I shook my head.
“Your rejection of me didn’t finish me.”
That hurt.
“I didn’t mean to reject you,” I said. “I just didn’t know what I wanted back then.”
Did I know now?
“But I did know what I wanted,” Nicole said, “just like I do now.” She shot me a look. “If you and I’d had just one tiny piece of what Freya and I have now, you’d have seen how good it is to be in love with someone who loves you back wholeheartedly.”
“I’ve got my music.” But even I knew my words sounded hollow. The truth was, I knew I had with Alex everything Nicole and I had once had: the silliness, the laughter, and the friendship. Had I killed that too?
“Music isn’t everything,” Nicole said. “Because who’s lonely now? You, not me.”
While Nicole carried on talking, all the disparate thoughts that had been swirling around in my head, like leaves picked up by the wind, suddenly came together and settled into a neat pile. In an instant I understood, and finally everything made sense. I knew I wanted me and Alex to be alive, not dead before it had even had a chance to take off. She wanted it, and I wanted it, but I was the one who was killing it. I was an idiot. I’d been so busy wasting time worrying about what might or might not happen, when it was clear Nicole had moved on. She was happy and didn’t resent me, and suddenly all the guilt that had been festering inside me for months rose up and away from me like a wisp of smoke and disappeared into the London sky.
“I have to go.” I hastily put my glass down and fumbled in my pocket for my phone. “If I’m too late I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Too late for what?”
I turned and looked at Nicole.
“To have a chance at happiness,” I said.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Alex wasn’t answering her phone. I hurried down the steps of Piccadilly Tube station, Nicole already faint in my mind. I sidestepped and elbowed my way past the hordes of people snaking their way up the steps and wished everyone would just disappear and leave me with a clear path down to my train. It was quieter once I was underground; rush hour was still over an hour away, so the smattering of people on my platform mainly consisted of tourists and a few groups of schoolkids heading home.
I stood on my platform and gazed up at the board. Which way to go? Did I chance it and go to Camden? Or did I head to the studio out further east and hope she was there? Then what? I hadn’t given much thought as to what I would do after that, but I nevertheless rang Alex again, resisting the temptation to hurl my phone onto the tracks when, for the fourth time, it went straight to voicemail.
My mind was racing and, along with it, my heart. I’d been so stupid, pushing Alex away all this time. Nicole was healed; Nicole was moving forward while I was stagnating, thinking I could never be happy with anyone. Alex made me happy; Alex had made me feel whole, but it had still never been enough.
Voicemail. Again.
Alex needed to hear that everything about her was enough for me before it was too late. Before she, like Nicole, moved on.
A train pulled into the platform with a metallic shriek of brakes and a warm blast of air. I looked up; this one would take me straight to the studio. I looked up at the announcement board again; the next train to Camden was still another fifteen minutes away. Pacing the platform as it slowed to a stop and the doors finally opened, I rang Robyn.
“Where are you?” My pacing increased as passengers started to file out of the carriages.
“Studio. You?”
“Piccadilly.”
Did I get on this train or wait for the Camden one? My heart hammered faster as a group of kids shouldered past me and started getting on.
“Have you seen Alex today?”
The last kid got on.
“Yeah.” I heard Robyn stifle a yawn. “She’s right next to me.”
I jumped on the train just as the doors closed shut behind me.
*
The walk from the station to the studio never usually took this long, I was sure of it. Maybe constantly rehearsing in your head what you’re going to say to someone when you saw them made time move slower than normal. Nervous legs walked heavier and slower, that’s for sure. Apprehension did strange things to a person.
Everything was normal in the studio when I arrived. Except everything was now different. For me, anyway. Alex was leaning against a window frame, watching Robyn and Nate at the mixing desk, while Ed and Grant sat together in another corner, heads bowed over what, from where I was standing, looked like an iPad. I couldn’t see Brooke. But then, I only
had eyes for Alex right at that moment.
As I entered the room, Alex looked over. My eyes locked on hers, my heart hammering so loudly in my ears I was sure everyone would be able to hear it as I walked across the studio floor to her, suddenly feeling as though my feet were too big, and my legs too heavy. I didn’t really hear Robyn’s greeting as I passed her, I didn’t see anyone else in the room but Alex.
She didn’t take her eyes off me as I approached her. I held out my hand, grateful and relieved when she took it. Without a word, I took her by the hand and pulled her past the others, their faces a hazy blur, and walked with her back out of the room.
It was now or never.
*
I didn’t think I’d ever felt nerves like it. My hands felt clammy, my throat dry. Why was it never like this in the movies? Why did everyone always look so cool and confident in all the crappy romances I’d ever seen, when I was a shaking, messy, bag of nerves?
I pulled Alex with me back down the corridor, with no idea where to go, or what to say to her when we eventually got wherever it was I was blindly heading. I slowed, worried that Alex would think I’d gone mad, then muttered something to her about needing to find some place quiet.
“In here.” Now it was Alex’s turn to pull me. She leant her head close to a door, knocked quickly, then, flitting me the cutest nervous smile I’d ever seen, opened the door and peered round it. “It’s empty,” she said back over her shoulder to me.
I followed her in, closing the door behind me, then pushed back against it. It was dim in the room, the only light coming from a small window across from us. It looked like a meeting room or something: whiteboard, long table. Lots of chairs. I had no idea the studio even had a meeting room, and for some stupid reason I found myself saying that to Alex. Lamebrain that I am.
Fortunately, Alex smiled. I figured she could sense my nerves from where she was. I also figured that couldn’t be too difficult.
“I tried ringing you.” My voice sounded small. Painful in my throat. “Before.”
“I switched it off,” Alex said. “It rang during the recording the other day and Ed got pissy. Remember?”
Did I? No.
“He told me to shut it off.”
“Right.”
The room opened up between us. I felt exposed and vulnerable, and wished Alex wasn’t standing quite so far away from me.
“Did you go and see her?” Alex asked.
“Nicole?” Of course Nicole.
Alex nodded.
“I just came from hers now,” I said.
“Okay.” She nodded again. Silence followed, then, “So did you tell her just what you thought about her,” Alex asked, “or…?”
“We talked,” I said. “A lot.” I drew in a deep breath. “It helped, I think.” I looked at her. “It made me think about a lot of things.”
“Such as?” Alex’s voice was so quiet I could barely hear it.
“Such as me and you.” I looked over to Alex. She was looking down and biting at her bottom lip and it was all suddenly way too much. I wanted to feel her in my arms, to remember how good she felt against me. Thinking that if I didn’t do it now, I might never do it, I pushed away from the door and walked slowly over to her.
“I had the biggest wake-up call there, ever,” I said, “and I know it’s taken me forever, and I’m really sorry about that, but…”
“But?”
“I love you,” I said, the words making me feel bright and alive. I was in love with Alex and suddenly everything made sense. This was the feeling everyone else talked about. She needed to know it; she needed to hear just how I felt about her. “And it’s taken me way too long to say it to you.”
“You…love me?” Alex asked slowly.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I should have told you that ages ago, and I’m really sorry I didn’t, and—”
“That’s a lot of sorries.” Alex smiled, and her face was so open and expectant, I felt my chest bursting with longing.
“I have a lot of sorries to say to you.”
“You don’t.” Alex stepped forward, closing the gap between us. “You don’t have to apologize for anything.” She captured my hand, making everything feel better in an instant.
“I’ve been denying it for so long,” I said, looking at her hand in mine. “How I feel about you.”
“And now?”
“I can’t deny it any more.” My breath was shallow, and I felt as though I had to force my lungs open to breathe. “I thought being with you would ruin our friendship,” I said, “but not being with you would ruin my life.”
The certainty of my words made me feel so good, like the weight I felt I’d been carrying around with me for weeks had finally lifted.
“I love you,” I said again, the belief sounding clear in my voice, “and I want to be with you. I’ve wasted far too much time already, worrying about what might or might not happen.” I held her gaze. “Just tell me I’m not too late,” I said. “If I thought that I’d blown it with you, then I—”
The smile on Alex’s face stopped me saying any more. She stepped closer, her mouth achingly close to mine, her breath fluttering sweetly against my skin, making my stomach feel light. My eyes met hers and held them, almost as if I needed reassurance from her that this was what she still wanted too.
“You’re not too late.”
I could feel her breath on my lips as she moved closer, ever closer, until my lips touched hers.
We kissed tentatively at first, a small fluttering meeting of lips, as we each held back, unsure if the other was going to pull away. When I knew it was what we both wanted, our kiss deepened and I was instantly lost in her, knowing there was no one else in the world at that moment but me and her.
“I thought I’d lost you.” I rested my head against hers, feeling the gentle brush of her hair against my skin. “I’d have never forgiven myself if I’d let you get away.”
“I love you, Tal,” Alex said. “I would have waited forever for you.”
“I’ve been so stupid,” I said, “thinking that I couldn’t be with you, when that’s all I’ve wanted for a long time.” I lifted my eyes to hers. “To be with you.”
“We can make this work,” Alex said, smoothing the hair from my eyes, “because we both want it to.” She lightly kissed my forehead. “We can make anything happen.”
“But for now,” I said, sighing, “I suppose we ought to go back into the studio.”
“Not yet.” Alex wrapped her arms tighter around me and I nestled my head against her. “I like the way you feel in my arms too much to let you go again, just yet,” she murmured into my hair.
“Do you think they’ll be wondering where we are?” I asked, slipping a look back to the door.
“Who cares?” Alex said. “Now I’ve got you, they can wait a while longer.” She cupped my face and kissed me again, her lips warm and sweet against mine. I pushed my body into hers, intensifying our kiss, a deep ache settling in the pit of my stomach as I felt the brief sweep of her tongue against mine.
Finally, reluctantly, we knew we had to stop.
“You’ve no idea how much I love you, Alex,” I said, my heart overflowing, “and if I have to tell you that every day for the rest of our lives, I will.”
“The rest of our lives, hey?” Alex smiled.
I took her face in my hands and kissed her slowly one more time. “Forever.” I smiled.
I took her hand and led her to the door, but I didn’t let go.
I knew I’d never let go of her ever again.
Epilogue
The lights bore down on my face, blinding me. The roar from the crowd almost drowned out the feed in my earpiece, but I could still hear my vocals clear enough, could hear the rasp of my guitar, feel the electric pulse of it through my fingers.
It was while we were in New York, halfway through our promotional tour of the US, that Alex and I put a joint statement video out on YouTube, telling our fans we were a couple. Within thirty
seconds, the video had gone viral. Another thirty seconds later our delighted fans had nicknamed us Talex, and Twitter was awash with our own personal hashtag. Within the hour, hundreds of offers had flooded in—from London to LA to Sydney—for Be4 to perform, and for Alex and me to give exclusive interviews about us.
Sometimes I thought I’d have to pinch myself to make sure none of it was a dream. As I looked over to Alex on the stage next to me, Brooke and Robyn slightly further away, I knew it was anything but a dream. I unhooked my mic from its stand and lifted it to my mouth, singing to Alex as she too brought her mic up and sang, directly to me. The words of our new song, “With You,” had never meant so much to me, and I knew I was singing the song to her alone. The crowd and the noise and the heat and lights were forgotten, and then it was just me and her onstage, singing to one another. I saw in her eyes all the love that I knew was in my eyes too, and as I sang the words to the ballad we’d written for one another, I’d never been happier.
I threw a look out to the crowd, to the army of faces swelling and bobbing in front of me in rhythm to the music. I read the posters being held high in the air, the sheets with messages for me and Alex scrawled on them:
Talex 4ever…
NYC ♥Alex and Tally!
Talex: cutest couple ever xxx
As the song reached its end, I threaded my arms around Alex, pulled her close to me, and buried my face in her, smiling into her hair at the knowledge that she was mine and she loved me as much as I loved her. With the crowd still chanting our names, a pulsating, humming drone of thirty thousand voices, I reached up and slowly kissed her, the noise of the crowd roaring their approval ringing in my ears.
“I think they like us.” I had to shout above the roar.
“Talex forever, huh?” Alex grinned.
I kissed her again as the intro to the next song sounded.
“Talex forever,” I whispered back to her.
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