“Explain what you mean?”
Maybe he was hedging for time or perhaps he really didn’t know what she referred to. For a moment, Crystal questioned whether she should even try to put her feelings into words. Seconds later she knew that she had to. She owed it to herself.
“It was like you were showing me what I’d been missing. Showing off all the techniques you’d learned over the time we were apart. I don’t think you were being true to either of us. There was emotion there but, for the most part, it felt like anger–”
“For God’s sake, Crystal! Do you have to analyze every little thing?!”
Taken aback by the change in his tone, she watched as he turned onto his back and threw an arm over his eyes.
“No, not everything. But I can’t seem to shake the feeling that sometimes you might actually hate me.’”
Crystal didn’t know what she had expected, but his silence wasn’t it. After a while she too turned onto her back and peered up at the ceiling in silence.
“I tried to convince myself that I hated you. But the moment I saw you standing in my house, I knew I never could. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me, or at least the way I thought you’d calculatingly discarded me.”
“I could tell.”
“What are you thinking?”
“That the sex was good but the deeper connection we used to share may be gone. Maybe this is all we can expect, after all we’re completely different people now. Perhaps we’re here like this because, for us, this will be our last time together.”
“What’s all that supposed to mean?”
His irritation was back. It had never been her intention to anger him. She just wanted to be honest. “Can you hear that… the rain’s stopped?”
“Bugger the rain!” Shane shouted jackknifing into a sitting position. “Just say what you really mean!”
The conversation they needed to have couldn’t take place under the shroud of darkness, so Crystal turned on the bedside lamp. They needed to be able to see each other’s expressions and recognize their truth. Even with the glow of the light, the corners of the room remained shrouded in gloom, much like the feeling that hung over her.
When she finally looked at Shane, his anger was still apparent. Watching him intently, after a few more moments, she recognized another emotion he was fighting to hide. Fear. He was fearful of what she would say next.
“Is your hatred of me finally over, Shane? If it’s not, I need you to tell me.”
“Yes, it’s over.”
“Just like that, in the space of one day you’ve moved from loathing to–”
“Why the fuck do you always have to turn everything inside out?”
“Because my feelings matter just as much as yours. I’m not going through that kind of hurt again. Before I do that, I’ll walk away and never look back!” What she said was the truth. But she left out the part that doing so would break her heart.
“That’s cold, Crys.”
His comment irritated the hell out of her and she didn’t hold back in saying what she wanted to. “It may sound that way to you, but at least I tried to contact you during the last five years. Can you say the same?”
“You know I can’t.”
“How does that make you feel now?”
“Jesus! What the fuck is this, some kind of therapy session where I bare my soul to give you satisfaction?” Shane shouted as he flung the covers aside, jumped out of the bed and began pacing the floor.
“Yes, I want to talk and so should you. I’m sorry for the things that happened to you, more sorry than I can express. But us being here together doesn’t heal everything. So shout all you want. Rage all you want. I feel the same way inside. The rain may have stopped, but our past didn’t miraculously disappear with it!
“You’ve changed,” he said as he slowly walked back and sat on the bed.
“I know. I had to. I had to become stronger or I don’t think I would have coped with everything that landed on me.”
Shane watched her for endless moments and Crystal wondered what he was seeing. All she could hope was that he finally realized she wasn’t the only one who had changed.
“For me, all those old feelings never really went away. I buried them as deeply as I could. I tried to leave them behind and pour everything into my new career. Seeing you again pulled up all those old feelings of hurt. I suppose I wanted you to experience just a fraction of what I felt back then.”
“That’s not how love is supposed to be, Shane.”
“I know. I should have believed in ya. I tried, Crys. But I couldn’t hold on to the feeling. Where I come from, my life before ya… all I knew was how to protect meself. It was either that or end up in the same place as me old man and brother. If I hadn’t learned that lesson well, it would ‘ave finished off me mum.”
Crystal believed him. Although she was sure he didn’t realize it, he had just revealed more than he probably intended to. His grammar had reverted to the way he spoke when she had first met him. That alone told her, his emotions were real and they were slowly coming to the surface.
She finally understood why he hadn’t followed the same path as his father and brother. Although the circumstances of his life had pushed him in that direction, he had felt that his mother had needed him.
In the past, he had only spoken briefly of his mother and great grandfather. When she had attempted to find out more, he had always become reticent.
The night of her party, Crystal had known her mother spoke the truth. After Shane’s disappearance, she had made a point of finding out all about his family. However, with him gone from her life, they had never had an opportunity to speak about her findings, or Gwendolyn’s revelations. If taken at face value, the facts said he was best avoided. Yet, to know the man revealed something entirely different.
Although he had a temper, he only showed it when pushed or felt that he was being taken advantage of. Displaying his irritation was an entirely different matter. However, his biggest fault was not believing that he was worthy of love.
“It took me a while, but Gwendolyn proved to me that love comes in many guises. It took the death of our son for me to realize just how much my mother loves me. You were a good son, Shane. I know Molly loved you. All I have to do is look at the caliber of man she raised to see that truth.”
“I don’t know, Crys. She never spoke to me enough for me to know any of the things you’re saying is true.”
When he finally looked at her, it was with so much uncertainty it made her feel sad. He was such a loving and kind person, and it was precisely those traits that made him so dear to her—yet he didn’t know his worth as a man.
If only he could release the stigma of his family, he would realize just how worthy he was of love. He had only been back in her life for a matter of hours, and here she was, in his bed contemplating her love for him.
“I thought I’d come to terms with the way you disappeared from my life years ago. I guess I was fooling myself.”
“Fooling yourself how, Crys?”
“I suppose what I'm saying is that we both need to stop looking back.”
The quietness that stretched between them seemed to Crystal to hold infinite possibilities. They had two choices. Take each other’s hand and move into the future, or remain mired in the past.
“I think I understand what you’re saying, but it’s tough. Leaving the past behind is hard. It’s like every day I’m battling the same demons and I can’t seem to beat them.”
“I know it’s hard, but we both have to try. It’s time, and we at least owe ourselves that much.”
~~~
What she said was the truth but, there were things Crystal still didn’t know. Ollie was just one facet of their lives that still needed to be unraveled.
For the past five years, anger simmered inside him, and if he let it, it would ignite into an inferno of rage.
He was in no doubt that he would deal with Ollie. But the thought that remained at the foref
ront of his mind was whether she would turn around and run once she realized just what he was capable of.
“I know you think you have everything all figured out, but you don’t.”
“Maybe not but I’m willing to confront whatever I need to.”
“Will tomorrow be soon enough to face reality?”
Always a man of few words, Shane hoped she understood what he was trying to say. He was just an East London boy who had made good. Fancy words were never his strong point.
“You were right when you said I was holding out on you when we made love. I promise I’ll take care of the past—make it right. But can we have tonight where the only thing that really matters is the two of us?”
“Shane–”
“Just one night, Crys. That’s all I ask.”
“What do you have in mind?”
The night before he had turned her around because he had been sure he couldn’t have kept his expression steady. One moment, he wanted to blurt out how much he loved her and the next he had wanted to wring her neck.
They only made love once, but it was enough for him. It was everything he remembered and more. It brought back memories of the last time they had been together on her birthday. Gone was the world renowned sports star. All that remained was a man loving a woman.
Chapter 15
Shane woke up knowing their night’s idyll was at an end. There was still so much to do. First on his list of concerns was Dara’s involvement in their estrangement, and how it would affect Crystal’s relationship with her cousin.
He didn’t know how she would react to what he had to say, but he wouldn’t leave her in the dark about anything. That included matters that would hurt her.
Once they were dressed and had eaten breakfast, Shane suggested they go for a walk. The rain hadn’t made a reappearance, and he needed to get out of the house and into the fresh air.
Shane opened the back door and waited for her. When she didn’t move, he followed her eyes toward her feet.
“As lovely as this idea sounds, unless we can solve this little problem, it’s not going to happen.”
Looking around he spotted a pair of Wellington boots sitting by the side of the door. “You can borrow these,” he suggested picking up the boots. The footwear was covered in a psychedelic mass of blue and red circles, and just looking at them made his head spin.
Giving her a dubious look, he waited to hear how she would respond to his suggestion. After the incident with the body lotion, he was relieved when she didn’t pass comment. The Wellingtons obviously belonged to a woman, Shane just didn’t know who.
When she was ready, feeling protective, Shane wrapped her up to guard against the winter chill. He then took her hand and led her outside.
Crystal may not like his house, and looking at it through her eyes, he couldn’t really blame her. It was a huge, rambling, money guzzling monstrosity, plus it was a bitch to keep warm. What he loved about the property, and the reason he had purchased it, was the land on which it sat.
Barking caught his attention and his dogs rushed towards him. When they reached him they jumped up and down with excitement, and for a few moments, he allowed it.
“Heel!” The dogs obeyed his command and immediately sat down.
“Where do they keep coming from?” Crystal asked.
“Normally, they stay with me when I’m at the house. But for some reason, Emmie took them with her to the cottage.”
“What cottage?”
“There’s a cottage about half a mile down the lane,” Shane pointed off into the distance. “Mystery solved, huh?”
“Yeah, I was wondering where they came from last night.”
“Emmie must have brought them with her when she came to drop off some groceries.”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you go downstairs naked?”
“Sure, but I promise I didn’t show her me cock.”
“Shane!”
“What, did you want me to show her me dick?”
When she only gave him a dirty look, Shane laughed, petted the dogs before he sent them bounding down the lane with a one word command.
When the dogs were out of sight, he began walking again. Reaching the corner of the house, he came to a halt as they faced fields of open, green rolling countryside. The air was crisp and a chilly wind blew around them while the sun made a valiant attempt to push its way through the low hanging clouds. The weather and the scene before him was quintessentially British, and it was exactly what he needed.
As they walked, they bypassed Birch, Elm and mighty Oak trees whose bare winter branches stretched endlessly upwards in gnarled distortion. Coming to a shop beside a Hawthorn hedge, Shane took a moment to appreciate the patchwork of lush green fields before he began to speak.
“I’ve told you about being attacked. But I didn’t tell you everything…” breaking off, he glanced in her direction while he carefully considered his next words. “Just before I lost consciousness, I was given a warning.”
“Did it have something to do with your father or brother?”
“No.”
“What then?”
“When I was still in the hospital, I had a visitor.” Holding her gaze, Shane tagged one more word onto the end of his sentence, “Dara.”
“Dara came to see you? I don’t understand. Please don’t tell me you think she’s responsible for your attack?”
As her agitation grew, Crystal wrung her hands and frowned in confusion. From experience, Shane knew how hard this information was to process. He didn’t want her to have to attempt to untangle the coil of suspicion he had lived with for the past five years. So, he would fill her in as best he could.
“I’m only just beginning to understand all that happened myself.”
“Then make me understand because none of this makes any sense. What has Dara got to do with any of this?”
Disregarding her growing anxiety, he took time to gather his thoughts. “When Dara came to see me, for a moment, I thought it was you. I asked her where you were. She said you didn’t want to see me—that you were seeing someone else–”
“That’s a lie!”
He knew that now but refrained from commenting because he wasn’t finished. “She also said that you thought being involved with someone like me would ruin your business and your mother’s reputation.”
“And you believed her. You knew me, how I felt about you—how could you think that of me?”
With her emotions on the rise, Shane realized he had to get her to step back and try to put herself in his place.
“Think about it. I had a meeting with your mother, then there was the argument outside your party. I begged you to come with me but you wouldn’t. By the time I got back to my place, two men attacked me right outside my home. I thought I was going to die, Crys, and in my last moments of consciousness, your name was the last thing I heard.
“My name?”
“I was warned to stay away from you.”
“I don’t understand any of this!”
“At the time neither did I. But now, maybe you can see why I’ve been thinking the way I have.”
Her defense of her family had been swift and sure. Now, for the first time he saw doubt enter her eyes. Although he felt for her, he offered no words of comfort because he wasn’t finished with what he had to say.
“When Dara came to see me, I chose not to believe what was staring me in the face. It took seeing you with that man for me to finally accept what she’d said and walk away.”
Shane expected her to be upset. Instead, her reaction was the antithesis of his assumption. She had regrouped and she came out fighting.
“I’ve already told you Owen and I are just friends. And I know my cousin wouldn’t do something like that to us without good reason. There has to be something else we’re missing! How did she even know where you were?”
“Ollie told her.”
“Ollie…” Crystal spat his name with disgust as a faraway look gla
zed over her eyes. “Why would he tell Dara what had happened to you and not me?”
“He phoned you repeatedly but you never answered or responded to his messages!”
“He didn’t, I didn’t get a single call from him. I even saw him at your house two days after you’d disappeared and all he said was you needed a break after what had happened at my party. I even left you a note. When I went back a few days later it was gone. I thought you’d seen it and had chosen to ignore it.”
With each word, Shane felt blood rush to his head until he thought it would explode. “I never got a note!”
“Who found you? Who found you the night you were attacked?”
“Ollie–”
“And that didn’t set off alarm bells? He just happened to be the one to find you after someone cut your throat?”
“At the time, no it didn’t. You know he used to stay over at my place all the time. I have to admit that while I was in the hospital, I thought he was acting odd. For a while I thought he might have had something to do with the attack, but I dismissed it. He was the last person who would want me dead because I had something he wanted.”
“What, what did he want from you apart from getting me out of your life?”
“What does that mean?” Shane snapped.
“Come on, Shane, you know that man can’t stand me!”
“Why are you saying this now? You never said anything to me in the past.”
“He was your friend. Lots of people can’t stand their friend’s partners.”
“Tell me what he said to you,” Shane demanded.
“He never said anything. It was more of a feeling and the way he sometimes looked at me when your back was turned.”
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“Nothing.”
He didn’t believe her. There was something she was keeping from him. “Now’s not the time for secrets, Crys.”
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