All of You

by Jenni Wilder

  “You are such an incredible man, Lincoln,” I whispered into his ear. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him I loved him, but once again I chickened out. I told myself pillow talk was not the best place to reveal those kinds of feelings.

  “You’re incredible, Princess,” he said and pulled back to hover over me. Gazing down at me, he pushed my hair back from my face. “You are absolutely amazing and I can’t wait to feel you around me when we do make love for the first time. But you have to tell me when you are ready, because I don’t want to push you. I want you to be perfectly comfortable with being naked around me, because I cannot wait for that moment. I cannot wait to have all of you.”

  My face softened as he said those beautiful words to me. I caressed his face with my hand. “Keep saying things like that, and it might be sooner rather than later,” I teased, and Lincoln chuckled

  “It’s just the truth, baby,” he said and kissed me quick on the lips.

  We lay like that for a while before Lincoln shifted his weight off me and rolled over to get out of bed. He handed me a tissue from the nightstand to clean myself up, and I quickly did so and then pulled the bed sheet up to cover the scars that weren’t hidden by my pajama shirt. I had no idea what Lincoln did with my pajama pants.

  I sat up and watched him walk naked toward the bathroom before he stopped to pick his pajamas up from the floor. My mouth hung open slightly at the sight of his bare ass as he bent over. He straightened, clothes in hand, and looked back at me.

  Seeing me staring at his ass, he turned and winked at me with a smile. Now I was staring at his flaccid member. My breath caught, and I averted my eyes. He took a step toward me and grasped his penis in his hand.

  “Like what you see?” he asked in a deep, throaty voice. I looked back and watched him stroke himself and grow hard. I clutched the bed sheet around me nervously and looked up at him and found him watching me.

  “Does this turn you on?”

  I realized my jaw was hanging open. I snapped it shut, swallowed hard, and nodded. I was turned on. This man had just given me two incredible orgasms, yet seeing him standing in front of me, his muscles taut, turned me on big time. I pushed my legs together and tried to fight against the desire to have him inside me.

  “The way you feel now is how I always feel around you, Jillian. You are so sexy and beautiful. I simply have to look at you, and I want you,” he said and continued moving his hand up and down on himself, gradually getting faster. “So beautiful.” His eyes drooped, half-closed. He was breathing heavy now. “This is what you do to me. Just you, in my bed…” He groaned and dropped his head back but kept his eyes on me. “Your hair.” He stroked himself. “Your body.” He groaned. “But most of all, your smile. Your beautiful smile. I want to make you smile all the time. It’s the most beautiful thing in my world.”

  “Close your eyes,” I told him, not being able to contain myself any longer. He complied and I scrambled out of bed and dropped to my knees in front of him. I pushed his hand away, grasped him, and took him in my mouth. He groaned loudly and threaded his fingers into my hair as I sucked him as deep as I could.

  I reached around and grabbed his ass with both hands, running my fingernails gently from the top of the swell of his cheeks slowly down to the top of his thighs. He cried out with pleasure and thrust into my mouth, once, twice, and a third time before releasing into the back of my throat.

  I swallowed rapidly as he pulled out of my mouth and collapsed on to his knees in front of me. He sat back on his heels with his eyes closed for a long moment, catching his breath before reaching out to find me. He leaned forward to kiss me hard on the mouth.

  “Your turn,” he said as he found my knees and pulled them up and out to the sides forcing me to fall back on my butt with a squawk. I was bare from the waist down and practically spread-eagle on his bedroom floor. “Baby, can I look at you?” he asked with his eyes still closed.

  I didn’t answer. Lincoln kept his eyes closed and moved his hand over the scars at the top of my thigh. “I won’t look here. I just want to see this. To see you.”

  I took a few deep breaths. Really this shouldn’t be that difficult. The two of us had already done a great deal with each other sexually. But even his touch against my scarred skin was too new to me.

  Despite his wonderful words and obvious desire, I couldn’t get past my feelings of insecurity. I withdrew from him both physically and emotionally. Our connection was broken.

  Pulling my legs together as best I could with Lincoln in the way, I yanked at the bottom of my T-shirt and attempted to cover myself and my scars.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I mumbled and scrambled away from him quickly, pulling the blankets down off the bed and covering the naked part of my body with it.

  I was slightly panicky and beginning to hyperventilate as I sat back against his nightstand next to the bed. I brought my knees up to my chest and buried my face in my hands.

  “Breathe, baby. Calm down. Deep, slow breaths.” His voice sounded far away, and I lifted my head to look at him. He was still on his knees on the floor, still completely naked, still had his eyes closed.

  Shame welled up inside me, and I dropped my head back in my hands. I felt my eyes fill with burning tears. I had royally fucked this up. Again. Why would Lincoln ever want me when I couldn’t even let him love me? I felt a sob rising up in my chest. God, could I be any bigger of a freak right now? This amazing man was telling me I was beautiful and he wanted me, and what did I do? I freaked out and ended up crying in a ball on the floor. Yeah, that was attractive.

  “Jillian, I need you to focus on breathing in and out. Okay?” he said, sounding concerned. I looked up, still gasping for breath. He still had his damn eyes closed, and he was feeling around on the carpet searching for his pajamas. “Can I open my eyes, baby?”

  I sniffled. “Yeah…” I hugged myself and tried to do what Lincoln said.

  He opened his eyes and looked slightly relieved when he saw me, taking deep breaths and trying to calm myself. He found his pajama bottoms and pulled them on while standing. Reaching down to the end of the bed, he grabbed something and then crouched down next to me and held out my pajama bottoms for me.

  “Thanks,” I said as I took them from him with one hand and rubbed my nose with the back of my other hand while sniffling.

  “Are you okay?” Lincoln asked as he sat down next to me, close enough so our hips could touch through the bedspread.

  I didn’t know how to answer that. Yes, physically I was fine. Emotionally? Not so much. I had just freaked out on him. Clearly, I was not okay.

  When I didn’t answer him he turned to me and asked in a small voice, “Did I hurt you?”

  “No,” I said adamantly. He put an arm over my shoulder and cradled me, trying to provide comfort. “I’m sorry, Lincoln,” I said.

  “Stop,” he commanded. “It’s okay, Jillian. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

  I sniffled. “No, it’s my fault. I ruined everything. This is why I don’t deserve you, Lincoln. This is why I’ll never be good enough for you. I can’t even be naked around you. How are we ever going to make this work?” Big fat tears rolled down my face.

  “Goddammit,” Lincoln muttered under his breath before scooping me up and lifting me off the floor. I dropped my pajama bottoms and clutched at the comforter wrapped around me.

  He laid me on the bed and crawled in next to me pulling me on my side against his chest. “You do not get to do that. You are not giving up on us. I need you, all right? I need you. I cannot stand how you see yourself, how you talk about yourself. It drives me insane to hear you say you aren’t good enough for me.” I could see tears welling up in his eyes. “You are the best thing that has ever happen to me, Princess. Better than my family, better than my friends, better than hockey. You are so precious.” He ran his hand over my head and down my hair. “You’re so precious, baby. You can’t leave me.” I buried my face against his chest. I didn’t want to leave h
im. I wanted to believe him. “If you weren’t ready for me to see you, you could have just said so. Just tell me next time. I won’t be mad or upset, okay?”

  I pulled back from him and looked up at him through my tears. “I will try to be better for you, Lincoln. You deserve—”

  “I swear to God, Jillian,” he interrupted me. “If you say I deserve better than you, I—”

  I put my hand on his mouth to stop him. “Lincoln, no. That’s not what I was going to say.” He cocked an eyebrow and waited for me to continue. “I was going to say, you deserve to have someone make you happy. And I will try with every fiber of my being to do that.”

  “You already do, Princess. I was so happy to find you in my bed last night. I’ve never been happier than when I was watching you fall asleep in my arms.” He took a deep breath. “I love you, Jillian.”

  My eyes popped open wide with shock. He loved me? He loved me. He loved me! Joy bubbled up inside me and my heart felt like it was going to erupt. This amazing man loved me!

  “I know we we’ve only known each other for a little while, but I think I loved you the minute I saw you at the parade. And I was done for the instant you rejected me.” He chuckled but then turned serious. “I know you aren’t there yet, and I don’t want to overwhelm you or scare you off, but I just needed to tell you. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. You’re amazing, Jillian.”

  My eyes began to water again. Logically, I knew I was worthy of his love. I tried to be a good person and make the people around me happy, but I just never thought I could have this kind of relationship.

  “Don’t cry, Princess. I didn’t mean to make you cry. I just want you to be as happy as you’ve made me.”

  My breath hitched in my throat, and I snapped out of my daze. “Oh I am, Lincoln!” I wrapped my arms around his bare waist and pulled myself closer to him, tucking my head under his chin and resting against his neck. I felt him sigh with relief against my hair as his hands rubbed my back. “I never thought I’d have a chance to feel this way. I can’t contain it. I want you to know, every minute of every day that I love you too.”

  I felt a shudder move through him before he pushed back from me to look me in the eye. “Really?” he asked with hope in his voice.

  “Yes, of course. How could I not love you, Lincoln? You’re amazing. You’re so smart and funny. And you know exactly how to make me feel better when I’m upset. I miss you when you are gone, and you make me so happy when I’m with you. You’re so kind and caring.” I reached up and grasped his face. “You have to understand that I never—NEVER—thought I’d be able to have a relationship with someone. I never thought someone would accept all of me. And then you came along and barreled into my life. And you not only accept me, you call me beautiful—”

  “I call you beautiful because you are beautiful, Princess,” he interrupted me, and I smiled sweetly.

  “Lincoln, my point is, yes, I’m overwhelmed, and it is hard for me to believe you could love me when there’s so many reasons not to. But I can’t ignore how I feel about you, and I don’t want to anymore. I love you, Lincoln.”

  His face softened as he peered into my eyes. “There are no reasons not to love you. Loving you is the easy. It’s convincing you to accept my love that’s difficult.”

  I smiled sadly. I knew he was right. Believing he loved me was the hard part. “That…might take some time.” I admitted slowly.

  “We got time, baby. Someday you’ll believe me,”

  “I love you,” I told him and stretched up to kiss him lightly on the lips. It felt so good to tell him. To know that it wasn’t just me that was in love. Even if I found it difficult to believe he loved me.

  He kissed me back. “I love you too, Princess. More than you know.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  A day later, I found myself sitting in a box suite at the United Center with my sister and Kennedy and Carter. It was similar to the suite from which Lincoln and I had watched the concert, only it was on the opposite side of the stadium, directly across from where the Blackhawk players sat. I had a clear view of the man I loved during the entire game, and I was so proud of him for having scored the only goal for his team, which tied the game.

  The four of us sat on the edge of our seats in the front row of the box. All of us were brimming with excitement as we cheered on our team.

  There was less than a minute left in the game, and the defensemen for the Hawks madly tried to keep the puck away from their goal. If no one scored in the last few seconds, the game would go into overtime.

  I tried to keep my eyes on the puck and watch Lincoln at the same time. When Deacon made a breakaway with the puck with a few seconds remaining on the clock, Rebecca, Kennedy, Carter and I all jumped from our seats, cheering wildly.

  Skating furiously toward the opposing team’s goal with his teammates trailing behind him, Deacon deked to the right as he approached the net. He did some fancy stick handling as the goalie attempted to block the net to the right, only to end up shooting to the left.

  The puck sailed into the goal and the arena exploded with fans going wild. Lights flashed around the stadium and a siren went off, sounding the goal.

  Rebecca and I threw our hands up and cheered, jumping up and down and hugging Kennedy. Carter was a bit more reserved, but even he was celebrating.

  The roar of the fans was overwhelming as Deacon skated around the net and back out to the middle of the ice with his arms stretched out, pumping his fist in the air with arrogance, knowing he had won the game.

  I joined in the celebration, letting go of my composure and shrieking along with the rest of the fans. It was so exciting. The Hawks had won the game, and on Lincoln’s birthday no less.

  I was so proud and excited for him as I watched him and his teammates surround Deacon, batting him on his helmet and shoulder pads. I could feel the buzz of excitement in the air. Tonight’s party was going to be fun.

  Once the game officially ended, I rode with Rebecca to Lincoln’s house, following behind Kennedy and Carter. I was getting better at remembering how to get there, but the secluded destination still left me guessing as to which turns to take.

  Tabitha was spending the night at her grandmother’s, and both Rebecca and I were planning on staying the night at Lincoln’s. I would have stayed the night anyway, but this was a birthday party, and I knew Kennedy and Carter had bought plenty of alcohol, so I convinced my sister to stay as well.

  Lincoln and most of his teammates would be arriving later. They still had to give interviews to the sports reporters, shower and clean up from the game, and then have a team meeting. But that gave us time to set up for the party.

  People began to arrive slowly over the next hour. Kennedy, Rebecca, and I were tending to the food and drink while music played in the background. Despite it being the end of January and close to freezing outside, Carter had started a bonfire in the fire pit on Lincoln’s deck.

  I was sitting on the counter in the kitchen, picking at the food and sipping on my beer, when the front door burst open. Deacon walked in, arms in the air with a smug grin on his face. I could almost feel the arrogance rolling off him, but instead of being annoying, I found it humorous. He had just scored the game-winning goal, after all. I couldn’t fault him for being proud of himself.

  Deacon made his way to the kitchen and hugged Kennedy and then me. “Hey, Jillian!” he said over the music.

  “Hey, Deacon. Great job tonight! That was incredible.”

  “Don’t feed his ego too much, Princess. He’s already annoying enough the way it is.” I heard Lincoln say from behind Deacon.

  I felt my heart swell at the sound of his voice, and I pushed Deacon away from me as Lincoln stepped up to hug me.

  “Well, I don’t think you need to worry about my ego after being brushed aside like that,” Deacon said, referring to my rejection. “I couldn’t be more second rate next to that.”

  Lincoln kissed me, and I giggled against his lips. “Hi,” he
said when he pulled back.

  “Happy Birthday, baby!!” I replied with a big smile, which he returned. “I’m so proud of you, Lincoln! That was a great game!”

  “May I remind you I’m the one that scored the winning goal?” I heard Deacon grumble from behind Lincoln as he kissed me. I pulled away from Lincoln and giggled again.

  “Deacon, have you met my sister?” I said, pointing at Rebecca. Deacon’s attention swung to Rebecca and his face broke into a sly grin as he checked her out.

  “Sister, hmm? I’m Deacon,” he said and extended his hand. Rebecca took it and shook it while introducing herself, but looked at me with a raised eyebrow. I shrugged and focused my attention back to Lincoln who was standing between my legs as I sat on the counter. His arms were wrapped around my waist.

  “Baby, are you wearing my jersey?” he asked while stepping back to look me over.

  I nodded and shrugged. “I bought it at the souvenir shop before the game.”

  “Let me see,” he said, taking my hand and pulling me off the counter. As soon as my feet hit the floor, he was spinning me with my hand above my head like a ballerina. “Fuck, that is hot, baby.”

  He reached down and gathered me in his arms and kissed me deeply. He moved his hands down and grabbed my butt, lifting me up against him. I clutched at his shoulders before moving my hands to his hair. He moaned into my mouth as I wrapped my legs around his waist and hooked my ankles together behind him.

  Lincoln pushed me back against refrigerator and was kissing me deeply when I heard hoots and hollers from around us. A handful of popcorn flew at our faces.

  “Hey, I don’t want to have to see that!” Kennedy protested and threw another handful of popcorn at us. But Lincoln ignored her and continued to kiss me, undeterred by his sister’s protest. He was creating a yearning inside me, and all I wanted to do was shift my hips and rub against him.