All of You

by Jenni Wilder

  The floor of the vehicle was littered with old crumpled sandwich wrappers and empty water bottles. A duffle bag sat on the floor wedged between the front and the backseat. I looked at the man who was trying to extract himself from the sleeping bag.

  Lincoln looked like hell. His beard was out of control, and there were bags under his puffy, bloodshot eyes. His face looked thinner, and he looked like he hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep in a long while. Surprise and anxiety were etched on his face.

  “Jillian!” he started to say as he tried to free his legs from the sleeping bag.

  “GO HOME, YOU STUPID ASS!” I slammed the door shut in his face and turned back toward the house. I was across the street when I heard the distinct sound of a vehicle door opening.

  “Jillian! Wait!” he called from behind me.

  I turned and saw him frantically trying to crawl out of his SUV. He was looking at me with panic as if I would disappear right in front of his eyes.

  “GO HOME!” I ordered while trying to keep quiet. It was the middle of the night, and I didn’t want to wake the whole neighborhood.

  “Wait! Please!” he cried again. He was half out of the vehicle, his legs still tangled in that stupid sleeping bag, when his hand slipped from the door and he tumbled out, landing face down in the street.

  He lay there for a moment before trying to prop himself up on his knees and forearms. Even from across the street, I could see his body shivering. He looked absolutely depleted and wrecked. Hollow and lifeless.

  My heart twisted. I didn’t want to see him like this. Even though it was his fault, I didn’t think he deserved this level of pain. Taking a deep, steadying breath that made my lungs ache from the cold, I crossed back to his side of the street. He looked up at me as I approached and whispered my name. His voice was pleading. Desperate.

  I knelt down and unzipped the sleeping bag the rest of the way. I unwrapped it from his legs and threw it into the backseat, closing the vehicle door. I wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled at his arm to urge him to stand.

  “Come on. Up you go,” I said to him. He clutched at my arm and heaved himself onto his feet, holding on to me for support.

  Once he was upright, he didn’t let go but instead, pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around me. I just about collapsed under his weight. I could feel him shivering uncontrollably through his coat and I was getting extremely cold myself.

  “Oh God. Okay, Lincoln. Can you walk to the house?”

  He let go of me enough to move toward the house, but kept one arm around my shoulders, refusing to let go of me completely. When we reached the front steps, Rebecca opened the front door for us.

  “Oh my God, what happened?” she asked as she held the door open for us to walk through. She closed it behind us as I tried to hold Lincoln up.

  “I don’t know. I think he’s just really cold and exhausted.”

  Lincoln had his head hung low, and his eyes were closed. He was barely holding his own weight and was shivering violently. His lips had turned blue, and his face was pale.

  My sister went into nurse mode. She placed a hand on his forehead and then checked his pulse in his wrist. “I think he just needs to warm up and get some rest.”

  “Lincoln? Do you think you can make it upstairs?” I asked him as I took off his frozen coat. It wasn’t doing him any good.

  Lincoln nodded, although it was hard to tell through the shivering. I stripped off my coat and kicked my boots off, leaving them in the middle of the entryway.

  Rebecca took one side of him and I took the other, and together we managed to help him up the stairs and into my bedroom.

  We sat him on the edge of my bed, and I pulled his shirt over his head. A tremor ran through him, and I quickly dropped to my knees in front of him to take off his shoes and socks. I tossed them on the other side of the room and sat up to undo his belt.

  As my fingers worked over his freezing belt buckle, I felt his fingertips on my cheek.

  “J-J-J-Jillian… I...I-love you,” he whispered between shivers, and he caressed my face.

  I looked up at him and found him looking down at me through half-closed eyes. My heart twisted again. I had missed him so much.

  “Shh…” I said in a soft voice. “Lie back.”

  He immediately dropped back so he was lying bare-chested across the bed with his legs dangling off the end. He was still shivering, although it didn’t seem as bad.

  I sighed. I was pretty sure he had just passed out from exhaustion.

  I finished unbuckling his pants and stood over him. Rebecca took one pant leg and I took the other and we pulled together. I sent up a silent prayer that Lincoln was wearing underwear so Rebecca wouldn’t get an eyeful.

  We managed to wrestle him out of his pants, and I dropped them next to his shoes. Lincoln pulled his legs up on the bed and twisted so his head was on a pillow. I pulled the blankets over him, and Rebecca and I watched as his shivering became less violent and more sporadic. His color was starting to return.

  “He’ll be all right. He just has to warm up,” Rebecca said quietly. “But, ya know… I feel it's my duty to inform you that body heat would warm him up the fastest,” she added and then winked at me with a smirk on her face.

  I knew my sister was partially joking, but she was right. I untied my robe and shucked it off, letting it fall to the floor next to Lincoln’s clothes.

  Rebecca’s eyes went wide as I started unbuttoning my top.

  “Oh wow. You’re really gonna…” she started to say but trailed off. “Okay then! Well, if his breathing becomes erratic or he doesn’t stop shivering after a little while, come get me. I’ll take Tabitha to Emily’s in the morning before I go to work so you two can… talk.”

  “Thank you, Rebecca. I really appreciate it.”

  “No worries, Jilly Bean.” She looked back at Lincoln. “Ya know, I really do think he’s sorry.”

  I nodded. “I know.”

  Rebecca smiled and left the room, closing the door behind her. I locked it behind her just in case Tabitha would try to come in for some reason.

  I took a deep breath and walked back to the bed. Lincoln’s eyes were closed as if he was sleeping, but I couldn’t imagine how he could sleep like that. He was curled up in a ball under the covers. Damn, he must have been frozen out there. Idiot! I thought to myself.

  I quickly stripped off my pajamas, leaving only my panties. Those could stay. I turned the light out, pulled the covers back, and slid into bed. I pulled the blankets over the two of us and scooted closer to him. His arms instinctively reached out for me, enveloping me. He groaned as he pulled me up flush to his body. Our naked chests were touching, and I wrapped my arms around him, running my hands up and down his back. I tangled my legs with his, and when our feet touched, I jerked at how frozen his were. He buried his face in my neck, and I could feel his warm breath on my skin.

  Slowly his tremors subsided, and his breathing became more even. Eventually, he drifted into a deep sleep, although he never loosened his grip on me. If Lincoln was anything like me, he probably hadn’t slept well over the past week. But despite my exhaustion, I lay awake for a long while after he fell asleep. Partially because I was worried about Lincoln being warm enough, but also because my brain wouldn’t shut off. It was as if my heart wanted to forgive Lincoln, but my brain kept reminding me of all the scenarios that could happen and different ways I could get hurt again. Then my heart would tell me it didn’t matter if I got hurt again because this was worth it. Then my brain would argue that I was an idiot for hoping for a fairy tale ending because that didn’t exist in real life.

  I ultimately fell asleep while the battle between brain and heart raged on. At least I was happy lying in Lincoln’s arms.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  I woke to soft kisses on my lips the next morning. Lincoln was wrapped around me as close as possible. I feathered my fingers through his hair and was perfectly contented to lay here with him.

>   Obviously he was feeling better; his kisses became more intense as he worked his way down my neck, sucking at my soft skin. He moved a hand to my naked breast and squeezed it gently.

  I let myself roll to my back and Lincoln rolled with me so he was partially lying on top of me. I remembered how good his weight felt on me. How good he smelled. How amazing he tasted. He moved his mouth to mine and kissed me fiercely. Our tongues rubbed against each other, and I felt Lincoln grind his hips against me and I instinctively rolled my hips against him.

  “Wait. Wait. Wait,” Lincoln said as he wrenched his mouth away. He gazed down at me as he hovered over me, and I looked up at him expectantly. “We should talk… before…” he stuttered as he shook his head.

  I nodded. We needed to talk. “I’m listening,” I told him.

  He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply through his nose. “Okay. I’ve rehearsed in my head a million times what I wanted to say to you if you ever let me speak to you again.” He opened his eyes and grabbed my hand and held it between his.

  “I’m sorry, Princess. I’m so sorry I hurt you. You have to believe me; I don’t want anything to do with Mackenzie. I’m not with her. I don’t want her. I want you. Only you, Jillian.” He was staring deep into my eyes, willing me to believe him. “I should never have talked to her. I should have known anything to do with her never turns out well.”

  I halfheartedly tried to pull my hand free from his, but part of me remembered how nice it felt to simply hold his hand.

  Frustration and anger boiled up out of me. “Why did you lie to me, Lincoln?! Why did you have to keep that fucking picture?!”

  Lincoln cringed at my anger. “I’m so sorry I lied to you. I know how much you hate Mackenzie and I didn’t want you to know I had talked to her,” he admitted.

  “That’s a terrible way to behave. I’d rather you tell me the truth!”

  “I will. I will.” He sounded so repentant. “That’s the only time I ever lied to you, and I will never do it again. I promise, Princess. I’m sorry I lied about having the picture. I’ll never forgive myself for that. Mackenzie gave it to me thinking I would leave you after I saw it. That is the last time I spoke to her. I’m not involved with her. I don’t want her; I want you. You are my everything.” His eyes burned into mine. “You’re so smart and positive. All the shit you’ve dealt with in your life, and you can still make me laugh over the stupidest things. I love that about you. I love you, Jillian. Please forgive me. Please forgive me, and I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

  He dropped his head to rest on my shoulder, and I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried not to let him get to me. “What about the picture? If any of what you said was true, it doesn’t explain why you kept the picture.”

  He rolled off me, onto his back and sighed loudly. “Baby, I know you hate that picture. I know you think it’s ugly and embarrassing, but I’m going to be honest…” He rolled to his side and leaned his head on his hand. “I love that picture, Jillian. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I hurt you, but I’m not sorry I had that picture. You’re so beautiful, and until my birthday that picture… that picture was the only way I could see all your beauty.” He paused and his eyes searched my face for signs of hope that I understood. “I know it’s no excuse, but I lie in bed at night and look at your picture. I don’t see your scars. I see your strength and beauty. I see you.”

  My breath caught as the tears rolled down my cheeks. He had said everything right, and I wanted to believe him, but I didn’t know if I could.

  “I’m still mad at you, Lincoln.” I told him, and he nodded. “I’m so worried you’ll break my heart.”

  “Oh God, baby. I will NEVER break your heart. I only want you to be happy. I know I lied to you, but I really hope someday you can trust me again.”

  “I do trust you Lincoln—” I started to say.

  “Do you? I know I hurt you, but do you trust that I didn’t do it on purpose and I will never hurt you on purpose?”

  I couldn’t answer him. I didn’t know what the answer was. I knew he was a trustworthy man, but I still didn’t trust that he wouldn’t break my heart.

  He grabbed my hand again and held it tight. “Do you trust yourself enough to know you are everything I say you are? Strong, beautiful, smart? Do you believe me when I tell you that?”

  I remained silent. The problem wasn’t me trusting Lincoln. The problem was that I didn’t trust myself to be enough for him. One discrepancy by him, and I had immediately jumped to the conclusion that he was plotting evil with Mackenzie. It seemed like a ridiculous conclusion now. I didn't believe he was messing around with Mackenzie. Why couldn’t I believe the other things he said?

  “Why didn’t you go to your therapy appointment?” he asked me, changing the subject.

  I sighed. “Because I knew you would be there.”

  Lincoln nodded. “I waited for you there. I’m sorry you missed it because of me. Did you reschedule it?”

  I shook my head. I hadn’t rescheduled it. If I wasn’t going to be with Lincoln, there was no need.

  “Will you?” he asked. “Please? I still want to go with you, but only if you want me to.”

  I looked up at him. He was looking at me with love and concern. “How do you do that?” I asked him.

  He scrunched his eyebrows. “How do I do what?”

  “How do you know exactly what to say to make me feel better?”

  Lincoln gave a small smile. “I’m just telling the truth. I will always tell you the truth. You are such an amazing woman, Jillian, and I love you so much.”

  “I love you too, Lincoln,” I squeaked out, as my throat got tight from emotion.

  “Oh, Jillian,” he whispered as he shifted closer to me.

  His mouth descended on mine, and he claimed me with a passionate kiss. Our mouths and tongues moved in rhythm until he broke away from our kiss and moved his mouth down to my chest. He kissed around my nipple before pulling it into his mouth and sucking on it gently.

  White-hot desire shot through me and I could feel a throbbing between my legs. I rolled my hips and my pelvis rubbed against his hardness. He groaned against my breast. I slid my hands down his back and under the waistband of his boxer briefs. Lincoln shifted so he was directly over me, looking down. I grabbed his butt and pulled him close to me. His eyelids fluttered as his eyes rolled back.

  “Jillian…” he groaned. “This past week has been unbearable. I know I deserved it, but please don’t ever put me through that again. Even if you can’t forgive me. Please don’t disappear on me.”

  I brought a hand up to cup his face. I had been miserable over the past week without him. I didn’t want to be dependent on him for my happiness, but the simple fact was I was happiest when I was with him.

  “Lincoln, I was miserable without you. I won’t disappear again.” My voice broke and I sniffled again. “If you can forgive me for doubting you, then I can forgive you for lying to me.”

  “Oh Princess, I forgive you. But only on the condition that we see this therapist together.”

  I nodded and clutched at his hips. I looked him deep in the eyes. “I missed you so much, baby,” I admitted.

  He closed his eyes, and a look of relief filled his face. When he opened them again he had a fire in his eyes. He brought his mouth down to mine, and I melted into him as we kissed.

  I had missed his lips, his tongue, and his hands. Everything. My fingers threaded through his hair, and I pushed my chest against his. His hands roamed my body, squeezing and massaging in all the right places.

  “Oh Princess, I’ve missed you so much too,” he said as he pulled back from my mouth. He moved his mouth to my neck again and licked at the spot that made my toes curl with pleasure. I groaned when he suckled me there, and I felt his hardness against my inner thigh. But instead of relishing in our pleasure, he pulled back and hovered over me.

  “What is it?” I asked, wondering why he stopped.

  “I don’t have
any condoms with me,” he admitted as his eyes roamed my face.

  “Oh.” I didn’t have any either. I never had a need for them but it wasn’t optional.

  We both exhaled deeply and tried to calm down. Lincoln lay back on top of me but didn’t move. He simply nuzzled his face against my hair, and I could feel him breathing deep, holding me tight.

  I buried my face in his neck and breathed deep, inhaling his masculine sent. My heart swelled at how much love I had for this man. I knew I had overreacted, and he wouldn’t lie to me again, but I knew he was right; I still didn’t trust myself to be worthy of him. I squeezed my arms around him and held on to him tightly. He would help me through this, like he had been doing all along.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Lincoln and I lay in bed for a long time, just holding each other. I drifted in and out of sleep and enjoyed being in the circle of his arms. Eventually, my stomach growled and Lincoln chuckled.

  “Time for breakfast?” he asked against my neck, and I nodded. “I’m going to take a cold shower real quick.”

  He crawled out of his side of the bed, and I sat up letting the blankets pool around my waist. He stood next to the bed waiting for a response from me, but my focus was fixed on the bulge between his legs.

  “You’re still… hard.” I said before I could stop myself.

  He smirked. “Hence the cold shower, babe.”

  My mouth went dry, and I bit my lip. I rose up on my knees on the bed, letting the blankets fall. Lincoln’s eyes filled with lust as they roamed quickly over my body. My nipples jutted out against the cool room. I was proud of myself for not letting my scars make me ashamed at being mostly naked with him. Maybe this would get easier with time.

  I walked on my knees across the bed, stopping directly in front of him. I looked up at him with hooded eyes. “I could help you with that,” I said, trying to be seductive.