checked the bushes for MI5 agents and listening devices. Quick thinking, sir. Yes, the last thing I want is for Special Branch to insert a mind- reading probe into my head and rummage through my memories – I still get headaches."
"Oh dear!"
"Thank you for the sympathy, my good sir, but the scar has almost healed now – it used to look like a map of Britain but now it's shrunk to the size of Anglesey. These modern laser probes really are very efficient – even if they do bring back unwanted childhood memories about the cupboard under the stairs. I still get hiccups whenever I hear a dog whistle."
"I really have to go now!" the woman almost shouted.
"Good idea, yes, I'll wait 5 minutes before leaving in case they follow us."
"Excellent idea, please ensure that you do," said the woman, all but sprinting away.
"Right," said Colin, "orange alert... orange alert. They won't catch me with my curtains down again!"
Ethelbert managed to clean up most of the blood in time for 'Antiques Roadshow' and a well earned pint of gin.
Leslie and Leslie had observed with their usual detachment as body after body had been rolled down the hill to the bottom of the garden. Having never seen the trunk in the attic, they obviously assumed that that would also be their final resting place and were beginning to wonder if there would be enough room.
This time Ethelbert had also taken the precaution of trying out a new type of acid that had been bubbling away in the spare airing cupboard for a few months. If calculations were correct, it should render the five men down to bones within a fortnight.
After 'Antiques Roadshow' Ethelbert switched over to the snooker and began rummaging around for a fresh bingo card.
It occurred to Colin that it had also been 17 years since he'd last cleared out his loft so he went up to have a look at his non-jar bound archive. Putting the light on he was pleasantly surprised to find only 6 items in the whole loft space – obviously all the others had either been eaten by mice or abducted by aliens so he didn't have to worry about them. He assessed the six items in reverse order of his attachment to them: a life-size plasticine replica of Nicholas Parsons trying to pacify Kenneth Williams in a 1978 edition of Just a Minute; a non-life size model of the Post Office tower made from eye lashes, widgets and frozen urine; a map showing the hidden location of Douglas Bader's legs; 163 photographs of Winston Churchill and Clement Atlee, both dressed as Vicars, throwing buckets of fermenting cheese at some squirrels; a shit in a bottle; and finally, his favourite of all, a parody of the Bayeux tapestry made from retread tyres, burnt matches and the hopes and dreams of a thousand disillusioned poets, depicting the finals of the 2005 World Snooker Championships where Mathew Stevens lost to Sean Murphy by recklessly taking on a middle distance blue left handed.
Later that day, Colin was startled but not unprepared when the silent alarm mounted in his hallway began to flash bright red. Shouting a quick goodbye to Dinsdale he drew up the drawbridge, armed the automatic gun turret and hurried down into the tunnel to begin digging the final few feet that would lead him out onto Bodmin Moor. From then he would catch a train to Exeter before passing through Ottery St. Mary, Honiton, Yarcombe and Chard before backtracking down to Lyme Regis, Seaton and Salcmobe Regis on his way to the final location of Operation Doomsday.
The following morning Ethelbert was satisfied that the house would now pass all but the most rigorous inspection.
The knock at the door was timed to the second.
"Hello, Colin," said Ethelbert, "it's been a while. How is Dinsdale?”
Ethelbert's Sunday Morning Page 5