A nurse came in and asked her to take her clothes off and put on a paper gown then she sat on the examining table waiting for the doctor - her heart strumming 50 to the dozen. At least she didn’t have to worry about hairy legs or hairy pubes she kept chanting to herself silently.
Dr Gregg came in, he was young and good looking in a clean cut fashion and was quick to put her at ease, he kept up a running banter with the nurse and Jen felt herself relax a little. He sped through a few quick questions about her health and then asked how old she was when she lost her virginity.
Jen stumbled only slightly, “I’m still a virgin at the moment.”
Dr Gregg for his part managed to gloss over his surprise, “actually that’s quite refreshing to hear; the sad truth these days is I don’t get so many virgin’s coming through my office.”
“Oh, I suppose not,” was the only response that came to mind and she reddened.
“OK Jennifer pop your legs into the stirrups and let’s examine you, while you’re here we’ll do a full exam, which means checking your breasts and take a pap smear.”
“Oh God, I didn’t realise there was quite so much to it, I just wanted some contraception.”
“Its fine Jennifer we’ll get to that, now first things first.”
****
When Jen came out into reception a little later looking shell shocked, Bernie gave her a worried look. “Jen, you ok?” Bernie thought it was Lily she had to be worried about but Jen looked like she’d lost a winning lottery ticket. “Was it all straight forward, did you have any problems?”
“Yeah, yes I mean I’m all sorted no problem, is Lily ok?”
“Yes she’s all finished with her doctor; she went out to listen to the radio in the car.”
Jen was preoccupied all through lunch. She joined in the conversation just so they wouldn’t quiz her, but her mind was churning away and by the time they got back to the cabins, after a brief stop to make sure Bernie and Marsh’s house was ok, Jen was feeling pretty exhausted.
Instead of going to track Todd down, she wandered off down to the end of the dock and sat with her jeans rolled up so she could dabble her ankles in the water, that’s where he found her an hour later.
“Hey,” she felt his hand on her shoulder before she realised he was there; he sat and turned her head to kiss her but stopped when he saw her red crumpled face.
“What’s wrong honey?” a touch of alarm in his voice as he checked his pockets for a tissue and not finding one gently wiped her face with his cuff.
“Nothing really, it’s stupid I don’t even know why I’m crying.”
“Did you...” he broke off not sure how to ask the question.
“Yes, I’ll be able to start the pill in a few days when... god I can’t believe I’m having this discussion with you, my face will be all flushed again. What I’m trying to say is my period’s due in a few days I’m to start taking it then and after that I suppose?” She shrugged her shoulders.
“Why the tears, was it really so bad?”
“It’s nothing Todd I’m just being pathetic, it’s just when the doctor examined me he found that my hymen wasn’t intact anymore, I’m not really a virgin and I didn’t even know it,” her voice broke slightly and fresh tears fell.
Todd pulled her in close but she stayed rigid against him, it didn’t matter a damn to him but it obviously did to her.
“It could have happened at anytime, the doctor seemed a bit disappointed I don’t think he’d come across a 27 year old virgin before, but I guess it could have been the accident, doing ballet when I was younger, the few times I went horse riding, tampons, god knows. It probably withered away from boredom.
I know it’s really stupid Todd, but although I was embarrassed about it, another part of me held onto that. That one day maybe I would meet someone and I would have like this stupid gift, to give them, give you I suppose. I thought it made me special made up for me being so ridiculous.”
He quieted her with his hands and spoke softly, “Well I’m glad it’s not an issue, it’s a no brainer for me. I know you’ve not been with anyone else but it wouldn’t change the way I feel even if you had. I’m just happy I don’t have to worry about hurting you when we do make love, and you should be glad – it’s one less anxiety for you.”
Todd stroked her hair away from her face looping it round her ear; of course it sprang straight back and made him laugh.
Jen looked up and into his eyes; he scooped her up and sat her on his lap pulling her in close cuddling her as he rocked her. “Come on let’s go join everyone, what’s done is done. Just think of it as one more item on your to do list that’s been checked off.” He threw her off his lap, startling her. “Up,” he ordered and tapped her on the butt, “you’re done moping.”
Todd grabbed her hand and yanked her to her feet pulling her hard into his chest in one well executed move.
“How many days do you figure this contraception thing will take?” he whispered in her ear brushing his lips against her.
She hid her face in her hands mentally counting, “maybe a week or just over,” she answered through her fingers.
“That’s no time at all baby just gives me time to think of all the things I’m going to do to you.” Just like that heat sizzled up her spine and he dragged her back off to join the group.
****
Dinner was a noisy affair, nobody was very hungry as the girls had eaten a big meal at lunch and the boys having failed to catch a single fish, had pigged out earlier on burgers and fries.
Sean was being teased mercilessly for being a fish deterrent - having refused to turn off his mobile phone while on the boat, with the result that when anyone felt the slightest tug on the line the fish were startled by the theme tune from Dallas.
“I had to accept the calls, it was business, speaking of which I’m going to have to go back home either tomorrow or the next day, I can’t manage anymore time off. A charity wants me to pull together a fashion slash fundraising evening in less than two weeks time. Seb should probably get back too, his office is chasing him.”
Ben had already said he’d have to get a ride back with whoever was going home first, he only had so many vacation days he could take.
“What are we planning to do?” Jen asked Todd, “I’ve got next to no work done while I’ve been here, luckily I’ve had nothing too urgent but is it ok to go back home?”
“I say screw it,” Sean butted in, “if I were you guys,” indicating Jen, Todd, Lily and even Ben, “I’d give an interview, tell them what they want to hear and they’ll soon lose interest.”
“I’m not sure we’re allowed to comment, it’s an ongoing investigation,” Lily said shrugging, “not that I want to anyway. The story they want is about what happened in the restaurant that night, not me.”
“That’s where this is so messed up,” Jen said growing irate, “it should be all about the victims, not a bit of overblown fuss.”
“We know that, but the press love a good melodrama and a bit of hype, especially with a celebrity thrown in for good measure.”
“I say we just go home and try and ignore it for the time being, see if that works. I need to go to Chicago for a couple of days from here, so I’ll be out of the way but I’d appreciate you guys keeping an eye on Jen for me.”
Jen looked at Todd nonplussed, this was the first he’d mentioned not travelling back with her, but she wasn’t about to say anything and come off all clingy. It was his business if he chose not to tell her what he was doing. It didn’t stop her being a little hurt though.
To cover her confusion she asked, “How about you Lily, have you decided what you’re doing?”
Lily looked a bit sheepish; I kind of hoped to talk to you about that. I want to stay with Mom and Dad at least a few more days but when I come back to start college again I was wondering if you would consider letting me move in with you?”
“Me,” Jen squeaked, shooting a glance at Todd who looked a bit surprised.
“No pressure I’m sorry to drop it on you like this,” Lily said holding her hands up, “it just would be nice to share with another girl, not my overprotective big brother. I think Todd would have my nerves on edge 24/7, he was bad enough before but now...?”
Todd made to start objecting to that comment, then stopped when he saw Jen’s face changing as she thought it through.
“Don’t make a decision now,” he said softly. “You’ve got your own life - you’re not duty bound to let my family mess it up for you.”
“Let me think about it Lily, I don’t know if I can live with anybody. I’d probably drive you just as mad.”
“Think about it as good practice for when you’re living with Todd.”
“Lily,” Todd growled.
“Come off it Todd we’re not all blind, in no time at all you two will be talking marriage and babies, the whole works.”
“That’s enough Lil,” Marsh broke in, he’d not been the only one to notice Jen’s face whiten. “If you want Jen to let you move in, the first thing you’ll have to do is respect her boundaries and other people’s for that matter.”
Todd reached for Jen’s hand, but she didn’t return the squeeze he gave her.
He found himself stifling a little irritation with her. Most women would love to hear even second hand that their boyfriend had serious thoughts about making a commitment to them. Why did the very idea make her look as if she could be sick as a dog, it wasn’t very flattering.
“What’s wrong?” he whispered in her ear.
In answer she excused herself and walked out onto the veranda. Todd followed close behind her and pulled her back into his chest, locking his arms about her waist. In the ballet pumps she was wearing her head was barely in line with his pecs.
“Lily was out of line, but is it so bad to think about what the future might hold? With any other woman I’ve dated I would have given serious thought to smacking Lily upside the head for making that kind of statement. But when it was about you it didn’t make me the slightest bit nervous, in fact it put all kinds of ideas in my head,” he made to continue and Jen cut him off.
“I don’t want children.”
“What?”
“I’m serious; I decided a long time ago I didn’t want children.”
“Is there any particular reason? It’s not to do with your health or anything?”
“No I just don’t want to have children, I don’t want to risk bringing a child into the world that might have some genetic tendency towards depression or phobia or panic attacks, it’s hardly been a life worth living and certainly not something I would wish on a child.”
“What about now? Even you can’t say you’re not having a better time of it more recently.”
“Yes I have – I am, but as good as it’s been I will always have a tendency to be anxious or occasionally neurotic. I will always be scared of meeting new people or answering the phone and a million other stupid obsessive compulsions. If I had a child I wouldn’t be able to raise it to be a well rounded individual, I wouldn’t trust myself with a pet never mind a baby.”
“Look I don’t know why we’re even talking about this now, we’re so far from that yet, just don’t even worry about it.”
“No Todd, this isn’t going away. You should know that at my worst I’ve thought about how I would kill myself - if it became necessary. Exactly which way I’d do it. Is that the person you want to have a family with?
You keep trying to deal with me as if I’m normal. I’m not going to have babies and this is the second time people have mentioned you and children in front of me. If that’s a deal breaker for you I understand, believe me.”
Todd wanted to shake her hard enough to rattle her teeth but stifled the impulse, “so you’re just going to give me the brush off, after how far we’ve come already?”
“No I’m giving you an out; I can’t be everything you want me to be, and even if you stuck with me I would always know you gave up something that you really wanted and I couldn’t live like that.”
“Look,” he said spinning her to face him, his jaw clenched in frustration. “I’m not going to have this ridiculous conversation with you, for all you know I could be rendered infertile tomorrow and then we’d never have kids anyway. I’m taking this one step at a time, I’ve not made any final decisions about what I want in life and I’m not about to make them right now while you’re acting like an idiot.”
He started muttering under his breath, “Normal, who the fuck is normal, nobody’s normal.”
A cold fear started building inside him. He was already pretty deeply affected by her, totally infatuated if he was honest. But would she find it so easy to just dump him like that, would he always be on the back foot with her always ready to jump out of the door and run off. Could he live like that?
Todd pushed her away, with more force than he should have and stalked off to their cabin, he shouted over his shoulder to her, “first off I’m going to buy us a fucking dog.”
“Mind your filthy mouth Todd,” his mother’s voice shouted out behind him as he stomped off.
Jen went back inside Bernie and Marsh’s cabin. There was no way she wanted to continue this discussion with Todd right now - maybe never. Apart from the whole no baby debacle she was still pretty ticked off that he’d bring her up here with no means of getting home on her own, and then announce he was going off to Chicago, with no explanation of why.
She lingered as long as she could but after everybody else said goodnight and Marsh was yawning his head off, she had to leave.
She cracked the door of Todd’s cabin as quietly as she could, the place was in darkness. Jen took her pants off and grabbed the throw off the back of the couch and laid herself as comfortably on there as she could.
She’d no sooner begun to drift off to sleep when two rock solid arms scooped her up possessively.
“Oh no you don’t, you’re not sleeping on the couch.”
“Just let me go you bully,” she said uselessly struggling in his grip.
Todd simply squeezed her tighter and nuzzled her neck, “I’m leaving tomorrow, I’ve got something I’ve got to deal with and I’m going to miss you. I’m not sleeping without you next to me and that’s the end of this conversation.”
“Fine, I’ll come but only so I can use the bathroom, I need to wash my face and brush my teeth before I go to bed. Put me down.”
“No I like carrying you about, you should know that by now. To the bathroom we go.”
Ten minutes later she and Todd were curled together under the covers nude, he having objected vociferously when she’d attempted to put his t shirt back on. This meant that now Jen was desperately trying to drift off to sleep while having Todd’s erection pressing against her bottom and his hand possessively on her breast.
“It’s a good job I’m really angry with you at the moment,” he whispered in her ear, “otherwise I’d be forced to let you take advantage of me.”
“Humph,” Jen responded.
“Humph, is that the best you got?”
“Nope,” she said clenching her ass cheeks against him causing his cock to flinch.
“Bitch!”
“Asshole!”
“No, that’s your asshole,” he countered laughing against her neck and she stifled a smile. She hated letting him win an argument.
Todd lazily allowed his hands to roam over Jen’s soft skin. Ten minutes later as he snored softly in her ear, she was even madder with him, as he found it so easy to zone out with one arm around her breasts and the other cupping her between her legs, leaving her wide awake and frustrated.
“Alpha male pig,” she muttered to herself.
Now her mind was churning back over the whole evening. It probably hadn’t been wise having a heated discussion after the unsettling news she’d had at the doctors, but she knew without a doubt children weren’t in the cards for her. God she’d be afraid to call a doctor if her child were sick, afraid to call a teacher if her child wer
e being bullied, afraid her child would end up every bit as messed up as she was. She’d be afraid, afraid, afraid, all the time - it was as simple as that. She’d end up making any child a neurotic mess just like she was.
The other thing that was bugging her was the fact she really was going to miss Todd while he was gone. Sure Seb and Sebastian would be just upstairs but she couldn’t believe that in the space of 6 short weeks she’d gone from jealously guarding every inch of her solitude, to tentatively worrying about being on her own.
It really was freaking her out - she was even giving considerable thought to the idea of letting Lily move in with her. She wracked her brain to try and pinpoint the moment when, she paused in her thoughts and counted on her fingers; 7 new people managed to wheedle their way into her life and she didn’t want to have them viciously ejected.
After a moment or two of wallowing, the devil on one shoulder began being countered by the little angel on her other who was telling her, take one day at a time, don’t worry about the future, don’t get ahead of yourself, let events unfold as they may. Don’t write off the best thing that might ever happen to you before it hardly starts.
As she began drifting off to sleep her imaginary good angel took on a distinctly Todd like appearance as he said, “stop over thinking everything,” and with that thought she blessedly managed to fall asleep.
Chapter 15
The next morning was filled with packing and planning, Jen and Ben were going to drive back in one hire car, the boys in the other. Lily, Marsh and Bernie were having another few days holiday before going home to Lexington, and when Lily announced she wanted to be back in Bloomington by the following Monday, Ben insisted that he wanted to come pick her up and drive her home.
Todd was acting as if there had been no sour words the night before, whistling and singing whenever Jen was around, giving him those guarded looks of hers that he hated. He was quite annoyed she’d opted to travel back with Ben, even though he knew at heart that Ben was besotted with Lily, he didn’t want him getting too cosy with his Jennifer just in case.
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