Mid-way through the morning, Julia calls me into her office. “Darling, I’m concerned you’re not yourself, now I don’t like to pry into people’s personal lives, but is there something going on you wish to discuss?”
“Not that I can think so, everything is fine.” I do my best to offer her a reassuring smile.
“Right then, in that case, I will need your undivided attention, I will be out of the office for the best part of next week and will need you to handle things here.”
“Sure, no problem,” I reassure her, “but I do need to leave early today.” It was a statement more than it was a question. If she had a problem with that herself she would need to work on it, I was leaving at the end of lunch and it wasn’t open for discussion.
I shut down my computer and grab my bag, Julia was on the phone, so I do my best to wait patiently as she starts to wrap up the call.
“Yes, darling, Thursday is fine. I ‘m sure nothing disastrous will happen between now and then.” She pauses a moment, before carrying on her conversation again. “We will arrange that, yes.” Another pause, I was growing impatient, I needed to leave. “See you then. Goodbye, darling.”
Julia swings in her chair back to face me. “I just came to tell you I was leaving now.”
“Oh yes, see you Monday. Have a great weekend, darling.” Her pet name was doing nothing to help with the nausea that was plaguing my body.
I wave to her as I pivot and head for the elevator bank. If I called for a taxi now, it could be waiting for me outside by the time I got there.
My palms were getting sweaty whilst I was sitting in the uncomfortable chair in the waiting room of the doctor’s surgery.
Out the corner of my eye I saw a younger blonde girl sitting with a baby on her lap, the little girl was clapping her hands and sucking on her fist. I felt a butterfly twist in my stomach as I watched them, the younger girl was quite stunning, her hair was glossy, and tied back in a ponytail, whereas the child had a smattering of darker hair and rosy red cheeks. She looked older than Ella but other than that it was impossible for me to gauge.
“Bethany Spencer?”
“Yes.” I stand and follow the doctor back to the consultation room.
“So, what can we do for you today?”
“I need a pregnancy test.”
“What makes you think you are pregnant, do you have symptoms?” Her tone wasn’t accusing, more empathetic like I was a puzzle to solve.
“Yes, plus I have taken five home tests and only one of those came back negative.”
“Okay then, let’s just run a few more tests and be doubly sure.” Her smile is genuine, which oddly felt reassuring. “You will find the toilets down the hall to the left.” Doctor Sumnar offers the directions whilst retrieving the little container with the yellow lid. The walk down the hall was worse than any walk of shame ever in history. It was like I had every pair of eyes on me and they all knew what I was doing here.
The doctor’s tests take longer to return a result than those Gretna and I did, it was confirmed yet again that I was pregnant. I felt completely numb, unable to decide on how I should feel. The doctor’s voice was muted as she discussed options with me.
She has given me a list of things I need to do to prepare, but I am struggling to process a single thing on that list.
I need to speak to Gretna, it wasn’t so long ago she was in this very boat, the only difference was her and Matt both had an oar each. I could see mine drifting off toward the horizon.
“Beth?”
“Hey, Grets.”
“Any news?”
“Yes, just waiting on the blood results which won’t be until Monday, but other than that it looks like you are going to be an aunty.” My throat feels thick as I fight back the tears, a solitary sob escaping without provocation.
“Where are you, honey? Ella and I will come and get you.”
“No, it is okay, I think I’m just going to head home and have a bath.” See if I can’t drown myself, I add silently. I didn’t want the demanding attention of a baby right then and would rather not need to see Ella, and I felt so selfish for thinking it.
“Okay, I will be around after Ella goes down to sleep. Won’t be taking no for answer, so I will see you then.”
She hangs up before I could argue with her, clever woman, she knew me far too well. And I loved the shit out of her for it.
There is a soft knock on the door later that evening, opening the door revealed Gretna, true to her word and she wasn’t empty handed, a tub of chocolate ice cream and a whole pack of Tim Tams.
“How are you feeling?” She asks as I follow her through to the kitchen.
“Just like one hot mess.”
“Oh, honey, have you thought about what you want to do? You don’t have to decide right now and I’m not trying to put you under any extra pressure.” She puts her hands up in front of her, kind of in a surrender gesture. “I just wondered if you knew all your options.”
“I can’t even consider getting rid of it, I’ll just have to make it work.”
“We will always be here to support you, and I am sure your parents will too. What about the father? Have you spoken to him?”
A wave of nausea washed over me, the idea of telling Nash seemed like a bad dream. “No, I haven’t. I don’t know if I can.” I throw myself back against the cushions on the couch, my hand covering my face in shame. Does that make me a bad person?”
“No, not at all. You haven’t had time to process this, just give it time.” She takes my other hand in hers, rubbing in small circles in a soothing gesture. “I don’t mean this to sound insensitive, but I have no idea how else to ask.”
“It’s Nash Gretna, you don’t need to ask.”
“Nash Gibson?”
“Yeah, how many other Nash’s do we know?”
“Wow, I did not see that coming, I thought you couldn’t stand him.”
“Well it would appear that statement is clearly untrue, well it was for at least one encounter anyway. I’d like to be able to get my own head around it first before I go telling anyone else. Doctor Sumnar has already made the appointment with the midwife. Seems like the blood results are merely a formality.”
“Right, well if you need me I will get Ella babysat and will come with you to that. There is no rush on telling Nash. Not right away anyway, it’s not like he’s here to see what is going on for himself anyway. Have you spoken to him since, well you know?”
“Yes, Grets.” It was time to come clean with her, explain it wasn’t just a one-night thing. “Do you want a cup of tea?”
“Okay, I’ll make the tea and then we will sit down and figure this out.” Tucking the ice cream away in the freezer, she fills the kettle for boiling.
With the kettle boiled Gretna makes quick work of making the tea. I wrap my hands around the china, trying to draw the warmth from the cup as some sort of comfort.
“So, the whole story.” Taking air deep into my lungs I try to compose myself before delving into the story of Nash and me. “You know Nash was here consulting and that we were out a couple of times together, not went out together, but were out together at a function and then a dinner, remember I told you?” I pause and she nods.
“Well after that Nash kissed me in the elevator and invited me back to his hotel suite, and I went, and I wasn’t going to stay, in fact, I walked out, but then I walked back in. We spent a night together there and here before he went back to London. We’ve chatted and texted each other while he’s been gone, well until last weekend when I was more than a bitch to him.” My words come out in a rush like I needed to get them all out or they were going to disappear forever.
“Well you can blame that all on hormones now.” She smiles at me. “What does this mean now, are you into him?”
“I don’t know Grets, sure I find him insanely attractive or otherwise I wouldn’t be in this situation.” I point to my stomach.
“I’m your friend but I’m also a mother now, so I’m c
onflicted with trying to be your friend and supportive of whatever you decide you are going to do, whether you tell Nash or not, and being Ella’s mother, she is a miracle and I can’t imagine life without her now.”
“The difference is you have Matt, I would no doubt be on my own.”
“You don’t know that, and I already said that we will be here for you, no matter what. Hell, Matt has had enough experience with midnight dashes to the supermarket for ridiculous cravings, I’m sure he could get on board with doing it again. Otherwise, I volunteer as tribute.” I laugh at her The Hunger Games reference.
By the time Gretna leaves I am exhausted and more than looking forward to a warm bed and a decent sleep.
Climbing in I lay staring at the ceiling for a while, I reach for my phone two or three times over the time I lay there, I know I need to tell Nash, it is the right thing to do after all, but what do I say to him? Hey, remember that time where we were screwing our brains out in the shower and we forgot to use a condom? Yeah, well surprise, you accidentally knocked me up.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Nash
When I get back to the apartment on Monday, Tori was there, sitting at the island bench in the kitchen eating a yoghurt.
“Mashy!” She squeals jumping down from the stool. She wraps her arms around me, and I hug her back.
“Tori! It is so good to see you. You have grown so much. Let me look at you.”
“Come on, you saw me at Christmas and I haven’t grown since I was in Grade eight.” She states as a matter of fact with an eye roll as if to accentuate her point.
“So Mum and Dad know you’re here?”
“Of course, and I have been instructed to report back on you. They want me to make sure you aren’t working too hard and I’ve been told to tell you to call your mother.” I groan, and she just smiles at me. “You need to call her, so she will stop hassling me for information.”
“Not that I’m not happy that you are here, but how long are you staying?” I ask, my hand squeeze the back of my neck in an attempt to alleviate some tension.
“Geez Nash, I just got here. Is there a problem?”
“No problem, no. I just don’t know how much I’m going to be here over the next couple of weeks, but you can stay as long as you want.”
“I was hoping you would say that. I kind of have, ah, spent too much money and can’t really afford anywhere else to go right now.”
“Tori, are you here to hit your brother up for a loan?”
She fakes being insulted, “No Nash, I am not here for a loan.”
“I’ll make you a deal, you stay as long as you want, I could even get you a casual job while you’re here and all you need to do is tell Mum and Dad I’m not working too much, and that I’m happy and living the dream.”
“Are you, Nash?”
“Am I what?” Her question catches me off guard. I hadn’t expected the inquisition from her, our mother yes, she couldn’t help herself, but my kid sister. Never.
“Happy?”
I have no idea how to answer that question, I feel like I have a gaping bloody hole in my chest since I left Australia.
Work was once all I needed in my life, a casual fling for company on occasion and sometimes a date to work functions, but now the demands of work feel more of an obligation and less a source for satisfaction these days.
“You know you shouldn’t even have to think about it if you were genuinely happy, Nash.”
“Are you, Tori?”
“Yep, I’m out in the world, and I get to see my brother again after eight months, I’m over the moon.”
I lean and kiss her on the forehead. “You aren’t just having yoghurt for dinner are you?”
“It’s all you had in the fridge.”
“Come on Squeezy, I’ll take you out.” She cringes at the reference of the nickname she had from when she was a kid, it causes me to let out a loud chuckle. I have missed her, and I hadn’t even realised it until I was looking at her.
Over dinner Tori tells me stories of all the places she had been to since I had seen her last, it got me to thinking about the last chance I had to travel, that wasn’t for work. Maybe once these projects were all wrapped up I would finally take advantage of some holiday leave and see some of the world I had been missing out on. I should make it a priority, get some time in to clear my head.
“It is really great to see you kid, it’s just what I needed.” We beam at each other across the table.
“Something going on you want to talk about, Nash?”
“Thanks for the offer, but no, nothing worth talking about. Do you want dessert?”
“Who are you?” She looks at me like I’d just grown a second head. “Of course I want dessert.”
I resist the temptation to retreat to the office when we get home, and instead Tori and I watch some old movie on the TV until late.
“I’m wiped, I think it might be a delayed case of jetlag, I’m off to bed.” Tori uncurls her legs, standing on the floor she stretches.
“Okay, see you in the morning.”
“See you in the morning, Nash, I love you.” Leaning in she lands a kiss on my forehead, completely unexpected but comforting all at the same time. My kid sister was home and if felt good not to be alone again.
I don’t see her the next morning, she’s still fast asleep when I get ready for work. I leave her a note to tell her to call me when she got up, and suggest that we could catch up for lunch.
When I get to the Margison’s building Harry is outside waiting for me, he butts out his cigarette when he sees me approach.
“Morning, Harry.”
“Morning, Nash.”
“You ready?”
“Hell no, I mean, the presentation is, but I’m bloomin’ nervous as all get out.”
“You’re going to do fine, we’re almost at the finish line.” I reassure him as we enter through the revolving doors.
Just as I’m about to enter the room for the presentation my phone rings, it’s Tori.
“Good morning, brother. So lunch?”
“How is it that you are always hungry? Or thinking about food when you’re not.”
“Hardwired that way, I guess. You’re buying right?”
“Was that even a question? I’ll send you the details, see you later.”
Harry and Isaac nail their presentation, the partners could not be happier with the rollout, the security is second to none. The project is going to be wrapped up by the end of the week.
John catches me before I leave the conference room. “Nash, I just wanted to say thank you for all the hard work you have put in over the last week, to get us back on track, well, we wouldn’t have been able to do it without your attention to detail and dedication.” He extends his hand and I accept it to shake.
“I can’t say it hasn’t been a challenge, but it has been a very rewarding project to work on with you.”
“The partner and I want to take you and your team out for lunch.”
“That sounds great, John, really, but my little sister just got into town yesterday and I already have plans with her.”
He slaps me on the shoulder and leaves the room. “Family should always come first.”
I get to our table before Tori, and it gives me the chance to check my emails before she arrives. Gemma has sent me a new itinerary, which has me back at the airport that night. Fuck it!
Tori arrives, and I wait till we have ordered before I tell her the bad news. “Squeezy, I have to leave you tonight. I know you just got here, and I’m sorry. The job is set up if you want it, but I won’t be there to show you the ropes for a while.”
“No worries.” She shrugs, blasé about my leaving. “I knew you’d be busy, so it’s cool.”
“What? I thought you’d be a little disappointed, or you could at least pretend to be.”
“Are you kidding me? I will have the place to myself, money and I won’t have my big brother hanging around cramping my style!”
“As long as there was food in the refrigerator I doubt you’d even notice I was gone.” She cocks her head at me and smiles. We both knew I was right.
“Pretty much.” She winks at me.
“I will just be a call, email, text or Skype away if you need anything.” I try to reassure her, but it dawns on me, it’s more for my own benefit than hers. Where had my little sister gone?
“Brother, I love you, I do, but seriously, I am not twelve.”
Without my noticing, Tori had grown into an independent woman, and it was a relief if I were honest that she would be at home, not staying in some backpacker’s hostel or couch surfing.
The car comes to collect me from the apartment and takes me directly to the airport. I check my luggage and then head to the lounge to wait to be called. It barely feels like I have recovered from my last bout of jetlag only to tempt another round. Who knows, maybe it will reset my internal clock by the time I land.
I have an email from Walter before I board, it has been forwarded from John, singing my praises. Walter signs off with requesting a meeting when I return. I would mention the holiday I had been giving more thought to taking and also about Gemma deserving that pay rise.
The flight is called, and I prepare to board.
The truth of being close to Beth again hit me like a freight train and the closer I got to the building, after our last call, I was at sea on the kind of reception I should expect from her.
The elevator whizzes me up to Julia’s floor, I hadn’t prepared myself to see Beth, so when she wasn’t yet at her desk it was a wave of relief that washed over me.
That relief was short lived when Beth exited from Julia’s office, the sight of her stopped my heart, and me, dead in my tracks. It would appear that my presence had the same effect on Beth.
In Her Own Time Page 11