Bestest, Keith
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Jenny—I’ve just seen Keith’s message—and so far so good! You’re honored that he’s making such a big deal of this. But why are you using your maiden name? Before you say anything, I don’t have a problem with it—you can call yourself whatever you like. But I don’t understand the rationale. M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
That’s ridiculous!! Why wouldn’t people take you seriously as my wife? Is being married to me so bad?
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keith Buxton
Hi Keith
Thanks for your message! Dinner would be great!! What sort of time?
Bestest, Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling—We’ve been invited to dinner with Keith and his wife on Monday—just the four of us at his place!! He said it’d be v informal, v low key. We’re honored!
Love you, Mxx
FEBRUARY 18
From: Martin Lukes
To: Lucinda Mogg-Watson
Hi Luce
Wow! The six o’clock news and all the broadsheets?? I thought they weren’t supposed to be interested in reporting good news?!
I’ve decided the occasion calls for a speech—which I’ll write tonight and send you for the press pack. I think it should also include a copy of my CV. Do we need a mug shot, or will the papers all be sending their own photographers? Might be worth getting a pic done just in case. Can you contact a good portrait photographer?
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Lucinda says there’s massive media interest in Project Boxer Shorts!
What do you think I should wear? I think suits work best on TV, but might not strike the right note with the drunks and nutters at the shelter. I thought my new Paul Smith polo shirt—the pink one with Serenity written on it would be just right. Casual, informal but with a hint of difference? What do you think?
M xx
FEBRUARY 19
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora
I’ve had two huge wins since I last e-mailed.
Jens and myself have been invited to dinner with Keith. This reflects partly his excitement at Project Boxer Shorts. It may also be because his radar has picked up on the New High Achiev- ing Me.
Even more exciting is the head of steam behind Project Boxer Shorts. Half the nation’s press is going to be there—which makes it the perfect opportunity to position myself as a national thought leader. I’m attaching my speech—wld be v grateful for feedback. I made it humorous but with a serious message—Hope you like it.
SPEECH TO HOMELESS
(ML mounts the podium)
Ladies and Gentlemen of the media, homeless persons, social workers,
First let me introduce myself—I’m Martin Lukes and, for my sins, I’m Marketing Director of a-b glöbâl uk. I’ve been fortunate enough to be one of the team working on the rebranding project that has seen our famous brand A & B transitioned into a-b glöbâl.
In your press packs you will find details of the new logo, a story about the journey that took us there and a brief bio of myself.
But while the glamour of our rebranding gets the headlines, underneath we are tirelessly thinking: what can we give back? Here at a-b glöbâl, this duty is always front of mind. So what we are doing today is giving back to you, the homeless. We are providing high-quality merchandise, free of charge, with no strings attached.
I know you sometimes read biased reports in the press (and I shouldn’t say this with so many journos here!) about fat cats and big companies riding roughshod over the lives of decent ordinary people. But at a-b glöbâl we are here for all members of the community that we serve.
Today isn’t just about merchandising. Remember the saying “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish and you feed him for life?” Well, today I’ll be sharing knowledge—not on how to fish!!!—but on how to rebrand yourselves. I will be challenging your mind-sets to rethink the homeless brand, if you will. There is a lot of negative baggage around the term “homeless,” which I hope I will help you leave behind. There is a need for a root and branch rebrand, and I hope today will be a first step on that exciting journey.
Thank you for coming today, and I hope you’ll stay behind to ask me further questions over tea and biscuits.
[applause—(I hope!). ML gets down off the podium]
22.5 percent better than my bestest
Martin
FEBRUARY 24
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keith Buxton
Good morning Keith! Many thanks for a great dinner last night. You really are the chef!
Much enjoyed meeting your ladywife … didn’t realize what a successful woman she is in her own right. Had a very interesting intellectual discussion with her, please pass on thanks.
All my very bestest
Martin
PS Hope we didn’t outstay our welcome!
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Graham—Did I tell you that I supped with the boss last night? It was a great evening … only slight blight was that Keith was all over Jens—I wonder if he fancies her??—they talked about books half the night. I really liked Mrs. B—she’s something big at Channel Five. I said how much I liked topless darts—obviously in an ironic sort of way—I think she found me a breath of fresh air after all the PC idiots she has to put up with.
Cheers, Mart
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling—just had a nice message back from Keith. You were quite wrong to say that I disgraced myself for being pissed. He said they enjoyed it, and he’s now thinking of starting a men’s book club!
We should have them back soon. Might be an idea to invite someone from the “arts world” with them. Did you mention meeting Ian McEwan’s agent’s wife at a school thing of Max’s?
Love you, M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Oh, she’s his agent in her own right? Good for her!! All the more reason to ask her. What does the husband do?
FEBRUARY 25
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Hi Keri—welcome to a-b glöbâl! I hope Sylvia has left you a list of tasks … fraid I’m not going to have a window to show you the ropes.
You’ll have to excuse us today because everything is going to be totally crazy—though if I’m frank, every day in marketing is crazy, as we like to push ourselves to the limit and beyond. Tomorrow afternoon I’m doing a major media event—might be a good learning experience for you if you’d like to come along.
M.
PS Have you changed your hairstyle? Very fetching, if I might make so bold.
From: Lucinda Mogg-Watson
To: All Staff
Calling all couch potatoes!!!! Program your VCRs for tomorrow night! Our own Martin Lukes will be on the Six O’clock News giving away our old A&B boxers and tops to poor people!
Luce (Mogg-Watson)
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
Darling—Thanks for the pearls of wisdom, but frankly you’re getting a bit ahead of yourself. You haven’t even started the job yet, and you’re not up to speed on the background, so I really wish you’d stand back, and leave Project Boxer Shorts to myself and Lucinda.
In any case, your concerns are totally off piste—we’ve sold the story to the media as a colorful example of how big business really cares at the grassroots level—and they’ve bought into that. In fact they can’t get enough of it. Don’t forget to watch—I’ve sent Jake a text too. He’d probably be quite pleased in front of his mates to see the old man on the box.
M x
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
&nb
sp; The ladywife is really getting on my tits. She’s already started telling me how to do my job!! I bet Lynne doesn’t give you a hard time about your sales figures … (though the way they are going, maybe she should!!)
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Phyllis Lukes
Dearest Mum
Don’t forget to watch the six o’ clock news tonight. I am going to be on—helping the homeless improve their lives. I know your views about the homeless, mum, and up to a point I totally agree. A lot of them are just wasters and spongers—but you need to understand that the media doesn’t see them like that, and we need to reflect public opinion.
Boys both doing fine. Did I tell you Jens has finally quit her job and is going to work here? I know you don’t approve of her working, but at the end of the day it’s her call. In any case it’s going to be very part-time. I swung it for her—it was really getting to me how miserable she was.
Will try to get down at the weekend. Jake’s going to be back for half term, and I’ve been banned by Jens from playing golf. Not sure I’ll be able to fix the tap, but I’ll have a go, if you’ve got the right tools.
Yr loving son
Martin
FEBRUARY 26
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Hi Keri. Trust all set for later today. Can u call a cab for 3:30? M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Lukes
I’m off now—should be back home by 6, in time to see myself on the news! Wish me luck
Love you M xx
Text message to Jenny. Sent 16:17
ohgodgodgodgod …. run the bath. pour me a large whiskey … i’m on my way home.
FEBRUARY 27
From: Keith Buxton
To: All Staff
Hallo everyone! Last night, as many of you will be aware, a-b was the victim of a concerted attempt to damage our reputation as a global company that cares passionately for the local community. Martin Lukes was ejected from a hostel and set upon by the homeless and by antiglobalization protesters. One hostel resident put a pair of A&B boxer shorts on his head and jostled him in front of the camera. Another set fire to a bundle of our A&B sweatshirts. These are attacks that we cannot tolerate.
The key learning that I, personally, take out of this is that our mission has not been universally understood by the public at large. We must think clearly about our target audience and how best to connect with them emotionally.
Bestest, Keith
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora—Basically, long story short, it was the most humiliating day of my life. When I got there, no one seemed to know I was coming. Eventually this news reporter turned up—looked really young and cute, but then started asking me all these really cynical and ignorant questions. I feel I gave some pretty good answers, but they were all cut out.
She insisted on filming me with this homeless woman—probably a crack addict, with multiple body piercings, who picked up our fleecy sweatshirt and said “I’m not wearin that, innit?” I told her that she was being ungrateful, and then a riot started.
And the tragedy was that I didn’t get the chance to give the rebranding seminar. Keith isn’t being at all supportive—he’s going through the motions but when I saw him just now he was pretty standoffish.
22.5 percent worse than my bestest (!)
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
Can I say one thing to you? NO FAILURE ONLY FEEDBACK. Repeat this mantra. It’s really important. Failure has no place in your life. There is no such thing as failure. Only feedback. Yesterday was a positive for you. There were some big key learnings there. What do you think they were, Martin?
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora—Frankly it’s hard to feel positive when drug addicts are pelting you with rotten eggs. But you’re right that this wasn’t a failure of mine, and you’re right about the key learnings. I can think of at least four.
The homeless don’t give a shit about anything apart from themselves.
Frankly it is no surprise to me at all that they are homeless. There wasn’t a can-do headset between them.
I also feel really angry about having been forced to this by Lucinda and Keith. It was always obvious to me that there were going to be serious risks associated with this project, but they were insistent on getting the publicity at all costs.
Giving back isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
22.5 percent better than my best
Martin
3
MARCH
My Dream
MARCH 1
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin!
Give yourself a big pat on the back for reaching month three! This is one of the most vital months of the whole Executive Bronze Program. You have your DNA under your belt and now its time to dream!
You may not believe this, Martin, but many people do not actually know what their dream is! They need a little help to reach out and touch it.
The first exercise should be great fun. I want you to get a big piece of paper. Place it landscape and then get some Magic Markers. I want you to draw your dream. You need to let your conscious mind go blank and let your subconscious mind get to work!
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Hi Keri
How are you this morning? Great outfit! I need a big bag of Magic Markers—I’d like some thin ones and some of those big chunky highlighters and some A3 paper.
Tx Martin
From: Jenny Withers
To: All Staff
Hi
I should introduce myself—I’m Jenny Withers, and this is my first week working in external relations with Lucinda Mogg-Watson.
Over the coming weeks I shall be looking at ways of promoting our ethically and socially responsible strategies.
Already this morning people have told me about ways in which they are generously giving their time to worthwhile causes. What I want to do is to bring all this good stuff together, and show the outside world what we are doing.
After the events of last month, there is a public perception that we are not entirely committed to the Coporate Social Responsibility agenda. We need to prove that we are. I shall be holding a Lunch and Learn session on Friday. Please bring your sandwiches and your ideas!
Jenny Withers
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling—
Brilliant memo, well done! A couple of tiny points. First, not sure you’ve got the tone and the vocab quite right. You sound a bit—how should I put it?—downbeat.
I’m also concerned that you misunderstood what I was going on about last night. When I said that in order to get noticed in this place you have to be very visible, I didn’t mean that you start cluttering up people’s inboxes on Day One. There’s a lot of resistance here to creating company spam. I have a rule which I find quite helpful: before I send out an e-mail, I always think: does this pass the need-to-know test? And then, and only then, do I press send.
Obviously it’s too late to take this morning’s missive back. But worry not, everyone will be very forgiving on your first day!
M xx
PS Could do lunch later if you like?
From: Keith Buxton
To: All Staff
Hallo everyone
I would like to congratulate Jenny on a best of breed memo. It is always a pleasure when individuals who have just joined the company buy into our values from Day One!
Being seen as a socially responsible company is top of our agenda going forward.
All the best,
Keith
From: Martin Lukes
; To: Graham Wallace
Hi Graham
Just called a chum in the headhunting community who says Keith’s in line for the number one job at Boots!! Which would be win-win—he’d stop ogling my ladywife … and his job’d be up for grabs. You heard anything?
Mart
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Hi Keri
Can you bring me some more A3 paper? Drawing my dream is actually much more challenging than you’d think. The trouble is that when your mind is as full as mine, it’s very hard to empty it. Have you got any tips of what I could draw?
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Wow! Thanks for that, but I’ll stick with the basics!!!
Can you keep everyone out of my office for the next half an hour? If my ladywife comes round, tell her to wait. I’m having lunch with her later … maybe you’d like to join us?? The two of you will need to bond. I should warn you she likes to keep a close eye on my calendar. There were issues with Sylvia over communication … dates went missing, yours truly in deep trouble. Sure that won’t happen with you!
Who Moved My Blackberry? Page 5