I’ve now got to go to Jake’s school to grovel to his headmaster.
22.5 percent better than my bestest
Martin
From: Barry Malone
To: All Staff/London
Howdy!
First up I’d like to say how much of a kick I have gotten out of my visit to London yesterday. There is a load of passionate, diverse human capital in this company and it has been a unique privilege to interact with it.
At a-b glöbâl we know how to play the game. We know how to stay in the game. However, having skin in the game is not enough. To achieve PPP what we must do is shape the game.
I know there is some uncertainty over leadership issues, but I would like to reassure you that we are working on this, and will make an announcement soon!
I love you all
Barry S. Malone
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Jens—Not sure what to think about that … At first I thought it was a bad sign he didn’t send me anything personally. But actually I think he probably needs to tell the people who aren’t getting the job first. So no news may be good news.
M x
MARCH 22
From: Barry Malone
To: All Staff/London
Howdy!
In the coming weeks we will be kicking off root and branch reassessment of our talent pool. Ahead of this we believe it would be premature to appoint a permanent successor to the position of chairman of a-b glöbâl UK. I am today delighted to say that Roger Wright is appointed as acting chairman to a-b glöbâl UK until a permanent replacement is found.
I know you will give Roger every support in this function.
I love you all
Barry
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
I’ve lost the will to live. Think I’m going to ask out that gorgeous Suzanna to cheer myself up.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Suzanna Elliott
S—Fancy a quick drink tonight? Could meet you at All Bar One at 6:30. M
MARCH 30
From: Martin Lukes
To: Suzanna Elliott
Morning, Suzanna. Did you get home all right? Am feeling a tad rough … Hope I didn’t go on too much!
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling, really sorry about last night. I went out for a drink with Graham to drown my sorrows. I know I was in no fit state to drive home. Sorry. Hope I cleaned up the mess ok.
Love you M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
No nothing happened. I’m sure she would have been up for it, but I wasn’t in the mood. As I say, I’ve lost the will to live.
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Pandora—
Terrible news … They’ve given the job to Roger, admittedly only on a temporary basis, before appointing an outsider. I did everything you told me to. I polished up my self belief. I prepared some unbeatable ideas. I positioned myself perfectly—and did I get my dream?? No, I got fuck all, if you’ll pardon my French. What this proves is that to get anywhere in this place you must either be a box ticker, or a woman. A man who can think outside the box is going to lose out over and over again. I am so hacked off. I’m getting in touch with the headhunters today—I’m leaving this company, and frankly, I think I can do that without your help.
Rgds
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin!
Thank you for sharing that with me. Even negative thoughts are better shared. What you are going through now is a natural part of the SARAH cycle. When you have difficult news you feel Shock, Anger, Resentment, Acceptance and Hope. I am here to get you into the second part of the cycle as soon as possible.
I think you’re forgetting your mantra—NO FAILURE ONLY FEEDBACK. Say it after me.
One learning I’ve taken out of this is that you don’t like yourself enough. People who like themselves are lighthearted and optimistic. They have magnetic personalities. Do you like you? Are you genuinely grateful to be you?
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Of course I bloody like me. That’s not the issue. The problem is that no one bloody else seems to. You ask if I’m grateful to be me. With the greatest respect, Pandora, that’s about the stupidest thing anyone has ever asked me. I’ve just been stitched up. I feel that whatever I do goes pear shaped. So am I grateful to be me?? No, surprise, surprise, I’m not at all grateful. And why the fuck should I be??
Frankly, I don’t want to go on with this coaching program. My faith in you, and in your entire philosophy, is zilch. You said that I could get this job, and like a complete idiot I believed you.
Please send your closing account to Roger Wright—my new sodding boss.
Rgds
Martin
4
APRIL
My Negative Energy
APRIL 1
From: Martin Lukes
To: Stewart@harleystreetclinic
Dear Dr. Stewart,
Over the past few days I have been experiencing the following worrying symptoms: my heart is beating excessively fast, I’ve got low back pain, and am having trouble digesting my food.
I fear I have bowel cancer. I’ve looked up the condition on the internet and I seem to have ticks in all the boxes—though no bleeding rectum, as yet.
Can you fit me in for an urgent appointment at your earliest convenience?
Yours sincerely
Martin Lukes
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin!
How are you today?
I hope you are rested and are reconnecting with your optimistic, magnetic personality. And that you are ready to start on month four of our program! This month we will be consolidating the learnings from months one to three, and pushing forward towards even greater success and happiness for you!
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Pandora—I think there is some misunderstanding. As far as I am concerned, I terminated this coaching relationship last month. That means that no, I am not ready to start on month four.
Rgds, Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
It always makes me very sad on the exceedingly rare occasions when coachees fail to complete the Executive Bronze Program. This program has been carefully designed as a holistic package which lasts for 12 months. If you only complete part of it you may actually be in a weaker position than when you started. However, if you do decide to take this backward step, I’d like to refer you to my contract which states that you will be liable to pay the outstanding full year’s fee on termination.
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Jens—Am feeling worse by the minute. I’ve just googled bowel cancer again and found that one in 18 men in their mid-40s have it—it’s the second biggest killer in men.
My athlete’s foot has also flared up horribly. Do you think this is connected to the other symptoms?
Love you, M x
From: Roger Wright
To: All Staff
Re: weekly HODs meeting
As you know, Barry Malone has invited me to act as Chairman of a-b glöbâl (UK) until further notice. I shall be convening the first in a series of regular weekly meetings for all heads of department to discuss forthcoming issues in Meeting Room 305 at 08:15hrs tomorrow. There are 39 items on the agenda and it is imperative that everybody attends promptly.
Roger Wright
&
nbsp; Chairman, a-b glöbâl (UK) (Acting)
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Hi Graham—Rog’s dictatorial tendencies to the fore … would make me feel ill if I wasn’t so ill already.
Martin
APRIL 2
From: Barry Malone
To: All Staff
Howdy!
This morning I issued an announcement to the SEC that our earnings for the first quarter would show an 18 percent decline on last year. This is due to adverse exchange rate movements, and to hypercompetitive conditions in our market space. Our underlying position remains strong and I would like to thank each of you for making this happen and for bringing your passion and integrity to work every day.
Today I am delighted to announce the next step on our journey towards achieving Peak Performance Permanently.
Our number one goal is to raise the talent bar. At a-b glöbâl we should have zero tolerance of low bench strength. We are a home for A players and B players. C players do not belong here.
In alignment with our caring values, we will treat every existing a-b glöbâl coworker with human dignity. Those of you who stay will be rewarded by working with highly motivated colleagues. Those who do not stay will be free to pursue jobs someplace else where you will feel more passionate and more effective.
I have tasked Keith Buxton, Chief Talent Officer, with implementing the program. He will contact you shortly.
I love you all
Barry S. Malone
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Graham—Don’t like the sound of this ABC thing … share price tanking, which means my options are all underwater—but as I’ll probably be dead by the time I can exercise them, it doesn’t make much difference.
Drink later?
Mart
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Hi Keri—
I’m really impressed at how perceptive you are about my illness. I agree this is my body giving me a major wake-up call about the multiple stresses I am under. You can’t go on firing 120 percent on all cylinders indefinitely, can you?
I’m off to see the doctor in half an hour, so we’ll see what he has to say. Can you call me a cab?
M
PS Ta muchly for the crystals … really sweet of you.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling—
Just seen Dr. Stewart, and the news is very bad. Obviously he couldn’t say anything about the bowel cancer at this stage, but he’s sending me to a top specialist for a colonoscopy. Am feeling very poorly indeed. Would appreciate high-fiber supper and then whiskey and bed.
M xx
APRIL 5
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora
A query from left field: I remember you telling me that you were diagnosed as having cancer, and that your doctor gave you six months to live but you coached yourself out of it.
It appears that I may have contracted bowel cancer myself, and would be interested in a program of coaching targeted specifically at helping me towards remission.
Bestest
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin!
I am delighted to see that you are working through the SARAH cycle, and have reached the resentment/acceptance stage. Yes I would be delighted to recommence our program. However it is imperative that you sincerely renew your commitment to me and to the Executive Bronze Program. Coaching is not something that you dip in and out of. For it to succeed you must commit now to completing the course, and to striving to being 22.5 percent better than the best you can be.
You mention your cancer. Yes, I can certainly help here. However, there is not a special cancer coaching module—instead, the principles of self love and self belief that I teach strengthen the body both inside and out.
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Hi Keri—I’m working from home today. I feel really awful, so I’d rather that people didn’t ring or e-mail. I put the crystal healing thing by my bed last night, but alas no improvement yet!
M
From: Roger Wright
To: All Staff
Re: working from home
It has been drawn to my attention that we currently have no binding guidelines covering arrangements for working from home. I would like to remind all members of staff that working from home is only permissible in exceptional circumstances, and then requires written approval from a line manager.
Roger Wright
Chairman, a-b glöbâl (UK) (Acting)
From: Martin Lukes
To: Roger Wright
Roger—I am somewhat surprised at your memo. I believe that trust should be the cornerstone of our culture, and we should trust our team members to select the work schedule that suits them best.
You may be interested to know that today I am working from home because I will shortly be having hospital tests of a serious nature. Instead of taking the day off sick, I am actually finding that the quiet headspace offered by the home environment enables me to continue to work as per usual.
Martin
APRIL 6
From: Roger Wright
To: All Staff
Re staff changes
Lucinda Mogg-Watson will be leaving us at the end of the month to pursue other options. I would like to extend thanks to her for the work she has done with us, and offer her every success with her future career.
Jenny Withers has been appointed Head of External Relations. The appointment of a new assistant will be announced shortly.
Roger Wright
Chairman, a-b glöbâl (UK) (Acting)
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!! When we discussed it last night I thought we agreed that it would be a very bad idea for you to take on additional responsibilities given my health issues—which you seem in total denial about??? M
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
How are you today?
At this stage in the program we would normally be looking at your energy levels holistically. However I think it would be better if we commenced with your negative energy.
Many of my coachees find this a difficult concept to grasp. The easiest way of understanding this, Martin, is to think of yourself like a colander. Energy is poured in, but pours out again through the holes. This is your negative energy. We need to find where those holes are, and find ways of blocking them.
Close your eyes and think of that colander. Can you see where the negative energy is gushing out? E-mail me between five and ten of these “holes,” and we’ll find a way of blocking them!
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Hi Pandora. I have been trying to find some holes (as it were!!). I have come up with the following list which is by no means comprehensive, but I hope will be a start.
My bowel situation
Roger
Cindy
Christo
Jake’s issues around work, drugs/alcohol etc
Jens’ issues around my cancer, around her career etc
When Arsenal beats Chelsea
22.5 percent better than my very bestest
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin!
Well done! Can I make a suggestion on how we can take this forward? Many of your holes are related to other people. These people have very high levels of negative energy and are toxic to people like you, Martin, who are committed to being Better than your Best.
There is only one thing to do with toxic people. Ignore them! And if this is difficult, explain
to them that they are toxic to you, and that you need to limit your exposure.
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Just seen your message. Just because I’m at home doesn’t mean I can be a tutor to Jake. In fact I have to be careful at the moment because Jake is connected to my negative energy, which impacts adversely on my health. What time you coming home?
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
No of COURSE I am not saying Jake’s caused my cancer. He’s one of the holes in my energy colander, if you will.
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
No need to be sarcastic about it … it’s a useful concept of Pandora’s—at the end of the day we’re all just colanders, energy goes in and comes out. Jake just happens to be one of my holes.
M
APRIL 7
From: Keith Buxton
To: All Staff
Hallo everyone
You will all by now have seen Barry’s memo unveiling our exciting program for upgrading our talent pool.
Who Moved My Blackberry? Page 7