Martin
SEPTEMBER 14
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
Dearest Pinky
Still no e-mails from you. And when I tried to call on your mobile it was turned off. Please don’t sulk at me.
Sky is blue here, and everything fine, except that I am lonely in my big hotel bed. I’ve bought you a beautiful sari at the hotel shop (cost an arm and a leg) and a Nehru suit for myself, so we can play dressing up when I get home. I thought you could wear it with no knickers and I’ll unwrap you.
Love you, Perky
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
That’s not very grateful! It’s a lovely turquoise color, which I thought would be nice with your eyes … Actually, the Nehru suit is a great hit—plenty of positive feedback from the shop assistants!
Perky xx
SEPTEMBER 15
From: Martin Lukes
To: All Staff
Subject: Bangalore briefing note 2
Namaste!!
As I get to know this place better, I’m aware of how many profound misunderstandings there are about the Indian culture.
The first is about skillsets. These people are actually highly intelligent and educated! I had dinner last night with an Indian guy who was fascinated by my take on viral marketing. Not only did he speak really good English but has an MBA from Harvard!
The level of passion for work is really energizing.
The other observation is about corner shops—paradoxically there aren’t any here at all! It’s totally ironic that Indians have cornered (!) the market in corner shops in Britain, while the market here is wide open. An opportunity for some creovative™ entrepreneur!
Please don’t hesitate to message Barry or myself if you have any questions.
Namaste!
Martin Lukes
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Hi Graham
Thanks for your message. You’re quite right—basically thousands of jobs will go in the US and UK, but only at junior level. For you and me, it’ll be fine.
You’d love it here. Some of the girls are gorgeous, though not very available. The cute little thing who cleans my room gave me a meaningful smile last night, but when I reciprocated she didn’t want to know. Ironic she should be so uptight when this is the home of the Karma Sutra! Believe me, it’s a land of paradoxes.
Martin
SEPTEMBER 17
From: Martin Lukes
To: Thelma Dowd
Hi Thelma. Got back last night totally shattered. I’m off the caffeine, but a mint tea would be great if you can find such a thing …
Martin
PS I’ve got a gift for you—it’s by your desk.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jake Lukes
Jake—I understand that while I have been away you have failed to show up at college at all. Starting today, I am implementing the following remedial four-prong action plan.
You are grounded until further notice.
I have spoken with the principal of yr college. He will notify myself of your attendance daily.
Your allowance is cut to zero.
Your mobile phone is confiscated.
We will review the above on a weekly timeframe going forward.
Dad
From: Martin Lukes
To: Thelma Dowd
Oh dear, you weren’t meant to see the card! You’re right, I did buy it originally for someone else but decided to give it to you instead! Actually she’s smaller than you—but the good thing about saris is it’s one size fits all!
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Thelma Dowd
Goodness gracious me (as they say in India!) I didn’t mean to be size-ist. Though as a matter of fact I noticed many Indian matrons—much larger than you!—who looked very good in saris. Where was that tea?
Martin
SEPTEMBER 20
From: Barry Malone
To: All Staff
Hi Co Leaders!
Following the hugely successful visit last week to Bangalore, we now have a road map in place for right-shoring as many of our functionalities as practicable. The intention is to aggressively realign our resources by opening two offshore satellite centers each of which will help deliver our goal of insane profitability.
I have tasked Martin Lukes with feeding back more detail from the trip.
I love you all
Barry
From: Martin Lukes
To: Barry Malone
Hi Barry
Can I just say what a highly inspirational memo that was! The tone was 140 percent spot-on! I believe there is now a window we can leverage to facilitate buy-in from those who have issues around right-shoring.
I plan to hold a creovative™ series of lunchtime masterclasses with videoconferencing links to other geographies so that all our co-colleagues can share the learnings.
My bestest, Martin
SEPTEMBER 21
From: Martin Lukes
To: Christo Weinberg
Hi Christo
I’ve got a great opportunity for you! Would you like to take my place at the annual Maverick Marketing conference in Milton Keynes and give a paper on Customer Relationship Marketing. I can e-mail you the presentation I gave last year. It was way ahead of the curve then, so if you tweak it a bit, it should still be pretty leading edge this year.
Cheers, Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: All Staff
Hi!
There has been a phenomenal level of interest in the trip fronted by myself and Barry to Bangalore. To enable everyone to take ownership of the process I shall be holding a series of lunchtime masterclasses entitled Breakthrough Bangalore! to address all key issues in a compelling and thought-provoking way. The first one is scheduled for Wednesday. There will be a live link to other geographies, featuring a guest appearance from Barry. Book early to avoid disappointment!
My best, Martin Lukes
From: Martin Lukes
To: Ameera Ali
Hi Ameera
We’ve never actually spoken, but I understand from Faith you’re doing great things in HR! As you may know, I’ve just returned from a trip to Bangalore with our CEO. I wondered if you’d like to say a word or two at my masterclass. It’ll be really informal—maybe you could share your personal experience of India—it’d be your chance for fame and stardom as the CEO himself will be joining in, hopefully!
Best, Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Ameera Ali
I see. Of course I realize you are British, but I didn’t know your family originally hailed from Pakistan. Still I hope you’ll come along and enjoy a samosa!
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
In haste—Corporal has got a plan … he could spend the whole night training with his Private on Tues ….
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling—I’m going to be away from home for one night on Tuesday at the Milton Keynes conference. It’ll be v boring but I’m obliged to show my face …
Love you M xx
SEPTEMBER 22
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Jens—Have you seen my BlackBerry anywhere? I seem to have lost it … I am supposed to be going to McKinsey today for a mega session to kick around some ideas with their top guys on offshoring … I can’t be out of touch for the whole afternoon.
M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Thelma Dowd
Hi Thelma—Have left some data on your desk. Can you turn some of the data into nice color slides for my masterclass—I want a few charts, broken up with a few pics of smiling Indian people?
Martin
PS Could you nip up to the vending machine and get me some curry flavored Doritos?
From: Martin Lukes
&n
bsp; To: Thelma Dowd
moron
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
From: Martin Lukes
To: Thelma Dowd
Frankly, Thelma, you’ve lost me this time. Industrial tribunal? What are you talking about? If you feel that strongly about it, I’ll get the crisps myself. Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
You sexy bitch. I want to fuck you right now!
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Pinky, darling, you know I love it when you talk dirty like that … but what brought that on? … Actually not really feeling like it now as the corporal is a bit under the weather and I’m snowed under with this McKinsey outsourcing report. Tomorrow or day after?
Perky xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Hi Graham—It’s hormone city here. The women in this place are losing it. First Thelma flies off the handle about a bland memo I sent her. She’s threatening me with legal action … and something’s up with Keri. Does she seem normal to you today?
M
From: Martin Lukes
To: Roger Wright
dickhead
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
From: Martin Lukes
To: Roger Wright
Hi Roger. Sure, I’ll come up now. What did you want to see me about? I hope it’s not the India expenses? Barry has signed off on them, so they are all on HQ’s budget.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
I’ve got a wicked little secret that you don’t know about. Would you like to know it?
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Jens, can you help me here? You have ignored me since I got back from India, and now you send me a message saying “not particularly”? Not particularly what??
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Martin Lukes
Liar, wanker, plonker
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jake Lukes
JAKE DID YOU JUST SEND ME A MESSAGE FROM MY BLACKBERRY?? FEAR FOR YOUR LIFE IF YOU DID.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Systems
Can you disable my BlackBerry now??? Urgent.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
DISASTER … JAKE’S GOT MY BLACKBERRY … HELP!!!!
From: Martin Lukes
To: All Staff
Some individuals have been receiving bogus messages apparently from myself sent on my BlackBerry handheld device, which was stolen this morning. The thief has gained access to the security code and has been sending prankster e-mails. If you receive any such messages please ignore. I apologize for any confusion caused.
Martin Lukes
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jake Lukes
JAKE—I AM BEYOND FURY—SUGGEST YOU DO NOT ATTEMPT TO COME HOME UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO UNDERGO A ROOT AND BRANCH PERSONAL REBRANDING. I HAVE ALERTED EVERYONE IN MY ADDRESS BOOK TO IGNORE ANY “JOKE” MESSAGES FROM YOU SO THERE IS NO POINT IN SENDING ANY FURTHER. SHOULD YOU DO SO, HOWEVER, I SHALL CONSIDER THIS TO BE FRAUD AND ALERT THE POLICE.
DAD
From: Martin Lukes
To: Martin Lukes
Wow … I’m like so scared. Not. Though you should be, coz I’m just about to forward an interesting message out of your in box to mum … something about pinky? Sounds a bit fishy to me, dad … J
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
From: Martin Lukes
To: Systems
I DON’T FUCKING CARE IF YOU ARE SHORT STAFFED TODAY. DISABLE MY BLACKBERRY NOW.
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Here’s a message from someone called “pinky” sent to someone called “perky.” I think you might find it interesting.
Forwarded by Martin Lukes
From: Kinky Pinky
To: Porky Perky
My cutey, chunky, porky Perky
Pinky’s feeling happy again!! Cool to spend the whole nite with u on wed … sorry I gave u such a hard time … it’s just I love u and want us to be together—which I no we will be 1 day!! It’s hard for little pinky going to bed on her own every night, knowing u are in bed with Jenny. Private P gets lonely … But I am going to be a big brave patient piggie.
Loveya loveya loveya loads!!
Pinky xxxx
Fishy, huh?
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling. This isn’t what you think. We need to talk now. M xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Thelma Dowd
Thelma—something has come up. I need to go home for a bit. Can you cancel the Bangalore masterclass?
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Catastrophe—I’ve just been chucked out by the ladywife. Can I bunk down with you for a bit?
From: Martin Lukes
To: Jenny Withers
Darling … Please, can we just talk about it? I can really explain everything. Please. I’m sorry.
Love you
Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Graham Wallace
Not even for one night??? What’s Lynne got against me?
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Pandora. Something really terrible has happened. I would rather not discuss on e-mail. Can I come and see you?
Martin
From: Porky Perky
To: Kinky Pinky
Pinky darling—Jens has kicked me out. I’ll bring my stuff round to you tonight as an interim arrangement, and then we can see how things go. Perky xx
From: Martin Lukes
To: Keri Tartt
Of course I love you and want to marry you, you know that. I just didn’t want it to happen like this. Please give me a break. This is the worst day of my life.
SEPTEMBER 23
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
Sorry it took a while for me to get back to you. I’m so in demand at the moment!
I’m afraid the Executive Bronze Program is only e-mail, so it would be irresponsible of me, under the terms of the contract, to allow personal visits. But please e-mail me the issues, and I, as your greatest fan, will help you be better than your best!
Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Pandora
Yes I know Executive Bronze is only e-mail, but I thought you might have made an exception for an emergency.
Long story short? Basically I have been going on seeing Keri on an occasional basis. I feel she has been very helpful with New Me. It has been a good arrangement, with no one getting hurt.
Unfortunately my son Jake has issues with myself at present, has got hold of my BlackBerry and forwarded one of Keri’s messages to Jens—who has totally flipped and chucked me out.
Obviously this is not what I need. I need to have the whole family behind me at the moment …
I’m moving in with Keri for now, but as I said, not ideal.
Martin
From: Pandora@CoachworX!
To: Martin Lukes
Hi Martin
You may feel pain now, because whenever you violate your core values the result is pain. I also sense a lot of confusion in your account—I think you are losing sight of your goals. It would do you a lot of good right now to do a GROW model.
It is time to revisit your core values, Martin. Say them out loud to yourself. Ask youself: which values have I violated? And how do I repair and renew?
&n
bsp; Strive and thrive!
Pandora
From: Martin Lukes
To: Pandora@CoachworX!
Frankly, Pandora, I don’t give a shit about my values right now. If you had ANY IDEA how bad I’m feeling right now you would not have dared suggest I do a FUCKING GROW model. My whole life is crashing around my ears. I am not in the mood for any of your other quick fixes.
I am going to see my mother (who is my genuine greatest fan), and I’m going to get some work done.
Martin
SEPTEMBER 27
From: Martin Lukes
To: Phyllis Lukes
Dear Mummy
Can I come and see you on Saturday morning?
Love Martin
From: Martin Lukes
To: Phyllis Lukes
Dear Mummy
You ask if anything is up. I was going to wait until I saw you, but maybe I should tell you now. I know you never thought Jens was right for me, and maybe you were right. The bottom line is that she has chucked me out.
Who Moved My Blackberry? Page 17