“I’ll stay.” He paused. “Uh, Marilee. Have you decided whether or not you’re going to come back to work?”
She tossed him an impatient look. “I’ll be there tomorrow morning. We can discuss my new benefits package at that time.”
JOSH WAS QUIET THE NEXT DAY when his dad drove him to the mental health center. He would have given anything to avoid this session with his mom. Not only did he not wish to discuss their so-called family issues, he didn’t want to talk, period. He had a lot on his mind, and he knew his mom would sense something was wrong. She had a way about her.
Grady pulled in front of the mental health building and parked. “Okay, sport, we’re here.”
“I don’t want to go in,” Josh said.
Grady sighed. “We’ve been through this before.” When Josh didn’t respond, he went on. “Look, Josh, how many times have you told me you want to be treated like a man instead of a kid?” he asked. “Part of growing up is accepting responsibility. You have no choice in this matter, a judge has ordered it.”
Josh grabbed the door handle and yanked it. “Don’t talk to me about responsibility,” he said, “or about being a man.” He shoved the door open, climbed out and slammed it behind him.
Inside the waiting area, Josh found his mom sitting in a chair reading a magazine. She glanced up, saw him and smiled. He watched the smile die on her lips when he chose a seat on the other side of the room. He felt crummy about it, but he knew if he sat close she would try to make conversation. He couldn’t think of one thing to say to her. All he could think about was how badly he’d screwed up by taking that car, even though he and Conway had managed to return it without getting caught. And that wasn’t even the worst of it. No matter how high he’d been at the time, he would never forget stuffing Mayor Bramley’s body into the trunk. He shuddered. The man hadn’t deserved that, but he had wanted so badly to be accepted by Conway and his crowd that he’d been willing to do almost anything.
Conway could drop dead, for all he cared now. He’d tricked him and made a fool of him, but Josh had been so eager to get the job he’d ignored the signs that Mo Henry was doing something illegal. He was stupid. He sighed and wondered if his life would ever become normal again. It didn’t look like it. He couldn’t seem to stop being angry.
Only now he was angry at himself.
Royce Malcolm stepped through the doorway. Smiling, he invited them in. Josh followed the counselor and his mom down the hall and into Royce’s office. He slumped into a chair and waited.
“Nice to see you again, Josh,” Royce said. “How’s school?”
Josh felt a sense of dread wash over him. He wasn’t doing well in school, and he’d spent that morning in the principal’s office for smoking in the bathroom. Another stupid move on his part; he didn’t even like cigarettes. It seemed he was always doing something to get into trouble. Nobody had been able to prove anything, which was the only reason Josh hadn’t been suspended, but he’d caused quite a stir. He wondered if Royce knew. “Why do you ask?” he said.
“Just curious.”
Josh figured he was busted for sure. “You spying on me?”
“You have a problem with me talking to your teachers?”
“I don’t like people nosing into my business. I don’t go around asking questions about you, do I?”
Marilee shifted in her chair. “Josh, I’m sure Royce felt it was important.”
The boy’s face reddened. “I don’t care what he feels. Or what anybody else feels, for that matter. I just want to be left alone. Why is that so hard to understand?” He looked from one to the other. “Did you question my mother’s friends? Did you spy on her, too?”
Royce regarded him. “I know what it’s like to want to go off somewhere by yourself, get away from it all. That’s why you walk so much, isn’t it?”
“I’m not answering any more of your dumb questions,” Josh said.
Marilee winced. “Josh, please—”
“Why can’t you leave me alone?” the boy demanded. “Why are you doing this? Don’t you get it, Mom? I don’t want to talk to you. When are you going to get off my back?”
Marilee sucked her breath in sharply and gripped the arm-rests on her chair with both hands. She gazed back at her son, and her eyes filled with tears. She swallowed hard, as if willing herself not to cry, but the tears gathered and fell to her cheeks regardless. Royce reached for a box of tissue but she ignored him, swiping the tears away with the backs of her hands.
“I am never going to ‘get off your back,’ if that’s what you want to call it,” she said. “I’ve done nothing to earn your disrespect, and I refuse to allow you to talk to me this way.”
Josh smirked. “Then why are we here? You and Dad are the ones who screwed up. Why are you dragging me into this?”
“Because I…we don’t want to see you hurt any more than you already have been.”
Josh gave a snort of disgust. “You don’t understand, Mother,” he said, making a mockery of the word. “I don’t want to be around you or Dad. The only reason I’m hanging out with him and that whore is because they’re so busy nailing each other they don’t care what I do.” Josh saw the stricken look on his mother’s face, and he felt a flash of guilt. He had never talked to her like that before. But things had changed. “I’m just biding my time until I’m old enough to get out of this town, and when I do I’m never coming back.”
“You can’t be serious! You’re only fifteen years old. What about school?”
“I’m quitting school. And, yes, I am serious. I plan to go someplace where I never have to lay eyes on my so-called family again.”
“I won’t permit it.”
“Marilee, calm down,” Royce said.
“You have no choice,” Josh told her. “If you try to stop me, I’ll leave today.”
She stared at her son in horror. The room began to spin wildly. Her stomach pitched, and she pressed her open palm against it. She couldn’t imagine her son leaving town and ending up Lord only knew where. She had seen enough TV programs to know what happened to young runaways. They ended up on drugs and often prostituted themselves once they became hooked. “I can’t take any more,” she said, her voice a whimper. Tears streamed down her cheeks. The one thing that had kept her going all this time was the hope that Josh would come to his senses and move in with her, but his hate had only worsened. She slumped in her chair. “I just can’t take any more,” she repeated.
“Marilee?” Royce touched her hand.
“I—I think I’m going to be ill.”
Royce was beside her instantly, helping her from the chair and toward the door. “I’ll be back, Josh,” he said. “Just stay put.”
Josh turned away, not wanting to see his mother sick. He might have gone too far this time, but it was the only way he knew to get people to leave him alone. Still, the look on his mother’s face tore at his gut, and he suddenly wished he’d never been born.
Royce returned a few minutes later and closed the door behind him. “Your mom won’t be rejoining us, Josh,” he said. “She’s not feeling well.”
Josh remained silent.
“I thought maybe you and I could talk for a while, at least until your dad comes for you.” When the boy didn’t speak, Royce went on, “Look, I don’t blame you for being angry. I’d be mad as hell if I were you.”
Josh looked up. “Then why is everybody trying to make me stop being pissed?”
“Your parents don’t want to see you unhappy, that’s all. And they’re both feeling guilty over what’s happened.”
“They should feel guilty. They’ve ruined everything.”
Royce nodded. “Things have changed,” he said, “but it doesn’t have to ruin your life.”
“That sounds like something a psychologist would say,” Josh replied. “You’re exactly like everybody else. I’m just supposed to accept everything that’s happened and not be mad.”
“I would never tell you to do that,” Royce said. “I’ve seen what happe
ns to people who stuff their real feelings down deep so they don’t have to deal with them. They get sick. They have heart attacks, strokes, develop cancer, all sorts of illnesses.”
Josh was quiet for a moment. He felt drained, and not as angry anymore. “Some of them get high blood pressure.”
“Are you talking about your dad?”
Josh nodded. “I don’t think he ever wanted to be a minister.”
“He was a good one, though, from what I’ve heard.”
“Yeah, he was good. But he wasn’t very happy.”
“He hid it well from his congregation,” Royce said.
“Like you said, he stuffed it down so deep nobody would know. It made him sick. I think some people do that with food,” he added, thinking out loud. “They eat ‘cause it takes away the pain.”
“What kind of pain?”
Josh looked at him. “Kids making fun of you. Or not fitting in.”
“You’re right about that. A lot of people use food because it’s comforting.”
“Yeah, but the more weight you gain, the more people make fun of you. After a while, though, they don’t want to be around you. You sort of become…invisible. Just another fat kid walking down the hall with no friends,” he added.
“Everybody needs friends, Josh.”
“I have friends from church. I just don’t see them anymore.”
“Maybe it’s time you stopped worrying about your parents and started thinking about what you need—and what you don’t need—in your life. All this anger isn’t good for you. Walking helps, but you need to talk about why you’re so angry.”
The boy shrugged. “I’m angry with myself right now.”
“It’s up to you if you want to talk about it. Nothing will leave this office.”
Josh’s bottom lip trembled. “How do I know you’re on the level?”
Royce met his gaze. “Because I know exactly what’s going on at school, and I haven’t given you up.”
Josh considered it. For some reason, he trusted the man. “Okay,” he said at last. “I’ll talk. It’ll be a relief to get it off my mind.”
Royce leaned back in his chair. “Whenever you’re ready, Josh.”
MARILEE FOUND WINNIE SITTING AT the kitchen table, doing her homework, when she walked through the door.
The girl looked up. “I take it from the expression on your face that the session didn’t go well.”
Marilee offered her a brave smile. “It’s going to take longer than I thought.”
“Anything I can do to help?”
“No, thanks. I just want to relax for a few minutes. Go on with what you were doing.” She set her purse on the table and climbed the stairs to her room. Kicking off her shoes, she sat down on the edge of her bed. She had never felt so weary. Irby had been quiet at work that day; she knew he was mourning his friend’s death and handling most of the funeral arrangements on his own. Although Debbie was still angry with him, she’d backed off, as if she understood her husband didn’t need more problems at the moment. It had been stressful, to say the least, and this business with Josh had only made things worse.
Winnie tapped on the door a few minutes later. She opened it and peered in. “I have a question.”
“Go ahead,” Marilee said.
“You and Josh used to be real close, right?”
“Yes.”
“What did the two of you do to get that way?”
Marilee shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.”
Winnie sat on the edge of the bed. “There must’ve been some things the two of you enjoyed doing together.”
“We baked cookies when he was younger. And dyed Easter eggs and decorated for the holidays. He and I did a lot of things together, Winnie, because his father was too busy to join in. I read to him a lot. Started when he was just a baby.”
“Did he like it? You reading to him?”
Marilee smiled at the memory. “Oh, yes. He spent a lot of time in my lap listening to stories. Long before he understood their meaning.”
“Do you remember his favorite books?”
She nodded. “I still have them. But he’s too old for that now.” The girl shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. Try to rest now.” She closed the door behind her.
Later, as she dressed for work, Marilee pondered what Winnie had said. She opened the closet and selected a pair of shoes to go with the evening dress she wore, and she spied the box containing Josh’s belongings. In it were the books she’d saved, hoping one day to read them to her grandchildren. As she thumbed through the pages, an enormous sadness fell over her.
She had taught Josh the sounds that farm animals made, had taught him to count and recite his ABC’s. She had taught him the difference between the seasons, and together they’d collected fall leaves. She had been the one who’d watched in fascination when he’d rolled over in his crib and taken his first steps, and she was the one who’d potty-trained him and taught him to tie his shoe laces. She’d labored with him over his homework, and helped him study for tests. She’d decorated bulletin boards at school, baked cakes and cookies for parties, and chaperoned numerous field trips.
She had read to him from a children’s Bible, trying to instill at an early age the lessons she thought were most important in life. She had taken him into nursing homes to visit the elderly, and they had visited hospitals where children his age were suffering from terminal illnesses. Together, they’d collected toys and canned goods for the needy, and one Christmas Josh had spent all his savings buying games and puzzles for children who were less fortunate. His Sunday-school teacher had been surprised when Josh, at eleven, wanted to hold a Bible-study group for kids his own age. That same teacher had remarked that Josh would probably one day follow in his father’s footsteps and become a minister.
What had happened?
Where had she failed?
JACK LOOKED DELIGHTED TO SEE her when Marilee arrived at work. In fact, his enthusiasm was a little embarrassing, considering there were other employees present. He leaned close and whispered in her ear, “Dinner is waiting in my office.”
“I can’t tonight, Jack. I go on in five minutes.” She had purposefully been late in order to prevent him from inviting her to share another meal.
“Don’t be silly, Marilee. You’re dining with the boss. It’s not like I’m going to dock your pay. Come on, it’s getting cold.”
Marilee joined him, albeit reluctantly. He held her chair for her as she sat down at the small table, draped in white with fresh flowers and candlelight. She waited until he’d seated himself before saying anything. “You know, Jack, this is very flattering, but I feel uncomfortable with all this attention. I think I’ve mentioned it before.”
He looked concerned. “I never meant to make you uncomfortable, Marilee,” he said, “but you must realize by now that I’ve grown very fond of you.”
“And I you, but—”
“I felt a strong bond the first night we met.” He took her hand. “Marilee, I’d like to start seeing you.”
“Seeing me?”
“I know you’re a married woman, and that you might feel a bit awkward. I want you to know that’s one of the attributes I appreciate most about you. You have high morals. I appreciate that in a woman. So I’m merely asking you out as a friend at this time.” When she didn’t answer right away, he went on. “This will be good for both of us, Marilee.”
Marilee picked at her salad and thought about Sam. He made her heart beat faster, and when he’d kissed her she’d felt as though she would easily melt in his arms. But Sam was a womanizer and would probably end up breaking her heart if she let him.
“Just two friends spending time together,” Jack repeated. “No pressure, no strings attached.”
Perhaps it wasn’t such a bad idea, Marilee thought. She wouldn’t have as much time to think about Josh. “What did you have in mind?”
“How about a Broadway show in Charleston this Sunday? I have tickets for the two o’c
lock matinee. We can have dinner afterward.”
“I’ve never seen a Broadway production.”
“Well, then, it’s time you did.”
She pondered his offer. Sundays were especially hard on her. In the past, the day had centered around church and family. Without either, the day seemed to stretch out like a long road with no end. “You’re right, Jack,” she said. “I think it’s high time.”
MARILEE ARRIVED HOME EARLIER than usual and went straight to her bedroom. She stripped off her clothes and stood before the mirror for a long time. She had not done anything so silly since puberty. She studied her body. There were a couple of stretch marks on her lower abdomen, a result of gaining too much weight when she was pregnant with Josh. But the aerobics classes she’d attended over the years had kept her firm, and she was thankful for that. She turned sideways. Her stomach was slightly rounded, but her thighs and hips were firm from doing about a trillion leg lifts. She had lost weight since Grady left, despite all Winnie did to see that she ate. The main thing, she supposed, was that her complexion was still good. But she was a thirty-five-year-old woman, and she looked her age.
Not that there was anything wrong with that, mind you, but she couldn’t help wondering what men like Sam and Jack saw in her, when her own husband hadn’t looked twice in her direction for several years.
There was a knock at her bedroom door. Winnie peeked in, then opened the door wide. “Marilee, what in the world are you doing?”
Marilee wanted to crawl beneath the bed. Instead, she scrambled for her bathrobe. She was so startled she put her arm in the wrong sleeve and had to start over. Why hadn’t she thought to lock the door? “What am I doing?” she repeated.
The girl just stood there.
“Well, Winnie, I am giving myself my monthly breast exam,” she said matter-of-factly. “That’s what I’m doing.”
“Then how come you’re staring at your butt?”
Marilee blushed. “I was…uh…checking for moles.”
“Moles?”
“Yes. Once a month I do my breast exam, then I check for unusual moles.” She arched one eyebrow at Winnie. “Don’t you?”
“You think I want to see my butt in the mirror right now?” the girl asked.
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