by Paulo Barata
Years 47 - 48
With great joy and affection I welcomed them all — even Saul — and the embraces I exchanged with my great friend and mentor were long, tender and emotional. Ruth too, was delighted to see them, and the smiles I saw on her face made my day. How I had missed that exuberance that was so natural to her and since that unfortunate day I had never seen again.
Joseph, however, after those brief and emotional moments, stared at me with awe.
“Ahasver! Ahasver! How you look, Ahasver!”
I didn’t understand him, and I followed the gaze that studied me attentively.
“What is it, Joseph?”
“Ahasver, you look the same. You look as you did when we parted in Antioch,” and still flabbergasted he went on, “I thought… well, after all this time and all that has happened, I would find you different, definitely different, older I would imagine.”
“I don’t understand you…”
“Ahasver, just look at you! Not a wrinkle, not a hair that has gone gray. There’s not a mark on your face, and you look as fit as ever.”
Recently I had heard almost the same, but was it my fault that I had a healthy constitution?
“It might not look it, my friend, but I’ve grown older, not sure of wiser, but still…”
Ruth seemed to agree with him.
“It’s true, reverend Joseph, Ahasver is as youthful as ever, at least on the outside” she said grinning.
Saul, who in the meantime had also entered the atrium, also commented something, thanking me for receiving him in my house, to which I answered with some trivial phrase of welcome. I was not entirely pleased with the presence of the Nazarenes there, but in consideration for Joseph, I could not really refuse shelter to any friend of his. Two other companions had also come in, named Barnabas and Silas, who I greeted, and the others, the servants, remained outside looking after the litters and the luggage. Immediately I ordered for the gates to the courtyard to be opened so that all could come in to unload the animals, and take them into the stables. Likewise, Ruth took on herself to prepare the rooms and baths for everyone.
Joseph, amid all this, retired to a room with his valet, eager to bathe and rest after his long journey, while his companions went into town.
As agreed, we all met later in the evening for a meal, where amidst the various dishes and idle talk, I showed off my knowledge of the local wines, encouraging everyone to try them all, while Joseph recounted some of incidents of the trip. But tiredness soon settled in, and everyone took to their quarters, and even Ruth didn’t stay for much longer in the terrace. A calm breeze, the quietness of a city in repose, and the company of Dionysus eventually carried me into a deep slumber. When I awoke, disquieted by the gadflies of the early morning, I could see the faint translucence of dawn in the east, the herald of a new day.
In that same morning, Joseph suggested that we meet right after breakfast. Thinking that it had to do with business, I prepared some material, and I began to show him the accounts and summaries of purchases and stocks, the usual stuff that I used to send him by mail. But this time, it did not interest him.
“Ahasver, that is all very well. Listen, I want to sell it all, I want to close my businesses as I have just done in Antioch. The time has come to get out of this life of deals and trades and whatever. I want to do other things, and I just hope that I still have a few years left, in good health and spirits, to dedicate myself to new missions without distractions. Basically, that is the purpose of my coming to Judaea now.
I cannot say that I was too surprised to hear it. For some time, I had become aware of his rare comments when I sent him my reports. Most of the time, he did not even mention them in his writings. Something that had puzzled me for a while, not knowing whether he approved or not some of the decisions that I had taken.
“I want you to buy from me what is of interest to you. The rest we’ll sell it. There are always buyers for good businesses.”
“Joseph, naturally I’m interested, but I don’t have enough coin…”
“I know that,” he quickly answered, “and if you hadn’t said so, I would be worried.”
We both smiled with the innuendo and we did reach an understanding. I would purchase the trading posts and the other properties in Caesarea, Jerusalem, Jaffa and Tiberias. The others, in Gaza, Hebron, Tyre, Damascus and a smaller one in Samaria, I was to sell as soon as possible.
“What are your plans? Will you return to Jerusalem or stay in Antioch?”
“Ahasver, I could never return to live in Jerusalem. It is too stifling for me now. I want to go out into the world, do some traveling while I still have the strength and energy for it. And, by the way, did you read that codex I sent you?”
“Yes, I did. A few times actually. I also read it to Ruth. She can’t read koine.”
“You’re right. I had forgotten that.”
I very much doubted it. Joseph was too shrewd to have forgotten it. He wanted me to read it to her, that way he would make sure that I would read it too.”
“And how did you like it?”
“Joseph, it is just a biographical story, right? Stories about the prophet, some of his teachings, but honestly, I think there are too many miracles. It discredits it on the whole. I believe that it will be seen as a fable, a book of legends.”
“But it is the truth, Ahasver. We couldn’t omit the wondrous events that so many had witnessed.”
“Joseph, I think that many of those who will read it will also reject it right at the beginning, and won’t even finished it. And it is a pity. I do admit that there are some wonderful sayings in there. You know, I wrote to Gamaliel and told him about the book. He is interested in reading it too. Why don’t you go to Jerusalem and visit him?”
“I do want to go to Jerusalem, Ahasver. Soon we will have the festival of unleavened bread and I want to go to the Temple. It has been too long since I made a sacrifice to the Lord.”
“You know that the house is available at any time and for as long as you want it.”
“We should make preparations. I would like for us all to go.”
“Saul and the other brothers are also going?”
“Yes. I was the one who joined Saul on this trip, as he had to come to Jerusalem to meet with our brothers.”
After the death of Agrippa, and once more under Roman rule, the persecutions of the Nazarenes in Caesarea had almost ceased, but not in Jerusalem.
“Joseph, it can be dangerous in Jerusalem. The Zealots are once again on the war path against the Romans and their collaborators, and I’ve heard that they are after the Messianics too.”
“Ahasver, I don’t think I told you this before, but Saul was once a Zealot, a follower of that sect founded by Yehuda of Gamala.
“That Yehuda who fought the Romans at Sepphoris?”
“Yes.”
“Another claimant for messiahship, I heard.”
“You were too young then.”
“Yes, I don’t remember it, but father often mentioned it. So Saul was a real Zealot then?”
“Yes, it was a miracle his conversion,” and ironically asked, “but you don’t believe in miracles, do you?”
“Well, if one follows such logic, then there must be many who also believe that your conversion was a miracle too. After all, if it hadn’t been for your loyalty and support, who knows what may have happened to the brotherhood?”
Staring at me with complacency, he answered.
“I have no doubt that it was, Ahasver. And every day I thank the Lord for such a blessing.”
We had never spoken at length about the reasons for Joseph’s conversion, and now, concerned as I was with Ruth’s situation I wanted to know more of what had actually happened to him.
“Joseph, if I may…”
“Yes?”
“How did it really happen? What drove you into this faith?”
“It just happened, Ahasver. It was not something sudden, unlike Saul who had a vision. My conversion was gradual
. It started when I learned about His messages and teachings. I actually think it came about when I saw Him on the cross. His willingness and His resignation to give it all up for our sake. And then, when we both went to the tomb that morning and found it empty. Yes, at that moment I knew for sure.”
“But how does one know? How can we feel that certainty?”
“Physically I don’t think I felt anything at all. I just knew. My spirit had changed. I felt the Lord’s presence in me.”
“The Lord?”
“No… I don’t think it was the almighty Lord of Moses, but a representation of the Lord. I can’t really describe it… it was like the burning bush, the cloud and the thunder, a whole, a manifestation of His power…”
“Some sort of a vision then?”
“Not in that sense. Not a vision for the eyes to behold, something that happens to your spirit. And the beauty of it is that I still feel it today and every day.”
Solid feelings and strong words, how not to question them? Was this the same spiritual drive that was also tormenting Ruth? Was I right in forbidding something that was impossible to limit and contain?
“Joseph, you mentioned that a vision had appeared to Saul?”
“Yes, he was blessed with an apparition of the Messiah which blinded him. After that he stopped persecuting our brothers, gave up his evil ways and dedicated his life to the Messiah.”
Very strange. I had always considered Saul a rational man, and not one given to visions. I went on.
“All the other disciples also had some visions? Is that what drove them to Yeshua?”
“No, Ahasver, not visions but faith, indomitable faith. Yeshua’s messages were much stronger than the faith that had sustained them before.”
“Yes, that’s what I see in Ruth. Her true faith is too weak these days.”
“Why don’t you let Saul speak with her? He has converted a lot of people, but I can also tell you that he has refused many, when he sees that what they seek is not what our faith has to offer.”
“Women, too?”
“Many, Ahasver. Our faith is particularly strong among women.”
“Let me think about “it nothing new to me. That’s all I had been doing for the last few months.
On our trip to Jerusalem we passed through the small town of Emmaus, now a holy place according to Saul. Yeshua was seen there after his resurrection, and there were a few believers kneeling in prayer around some stones that marked the spot of the apparition. Some of the brothers wanted to stop for praying too, and after a small delay as we continued with our journey as Saul came up to me.
“Brother Ahasver, Joseph told me about your conversation… about the conversion?”
“Your conversion?”
“Also,” he replied smiling, “but I was actually referring to Ruth.”
“Saul, that is something that I don’t really want to discuss right now.”
“I understand, but I believe I can help.”
“Help me or her?” I questioned him with some bitterness.
“Help you!” he emphatically answered.
“Help me with a decision?”
“Help your conscience when you come to accept it.”
“According to you then, a decision has already been made” I answered in an ironical tone.
“I do believe so. I was told that you both shared the book, the epistle of the life and of the teachings of the Messiah.”
“Yes, we did. Once more, Saul, I must tell you that it confirmed my conviction of the heretical nature of your creed.”
“Because?”
“Well, your messiah as the son of the Lord?”
“Ahasver, you didn’t read correctly. It is the Lord who acclaims Yeshua as His son, not men and not Yeshua either. It’s all there, right in those first pages, and witnessed by many.”
“Yes, one of your miracles.”
“You don’t believe in miracles?” he angrily asked, “Or you doubt the veracity of the account of some many?”
“Saul, I have never seen a miracle, how can I believe in something that I have never seen?”
“You have never seen the Lord, but you do believe in Him.”
“Yes, I do. I’ve never seen Him nor am I worthy of ever seeing Him, but the scriptures are all that I need for believing in Him. We are not talking of a book recently written by scribes relating events witnessed by credulous bystanders, but a holy book, proven by its longevity and accepted as the word of our Lord by the most exalted and wise of our sages. Personally written down by our greatest prophet as dictated to him by the Lord.”
“Ahasver, I have no doubts regarding the holy books, but tell me, if you saw a miracle would you then believe in them?”
“It all depends on what you mean by a miracle. You mean a cure?”
“Maybe something more personal.”
“Something that will happen to me? Or to Ruth?”
“I believe that it has already happened, but you haven’t yet seen it" and he did not wait for a reply, drawing away due to a narrowing of the path that we had to go through at that point.
Now closer to Jerusalem we came upon long queues of pilgrims who were also going into the city for the festival, some on foot and others riding their asses and horses, and also some who were being carried in sedan chairs and litters, all following the trail of true faith.
On our arrival in the city, it was decided that we would all stay in the house, the same that had belonged to Joseph. Almost immediately I went to see Isaac to decide on our forthcoming arrangements for the week.
Every year, since the time of father Simon, it was our custom to accommodate relatives that came into the city for the festivals, but now with Joseph and the other Nazarenes, I had decided it would be too risky to do it that year.
“Well, Ahasver, it is your house,” he commented sourly, “but expect some to criticize and comment on it. It is not good… you are in Caesarea, and I’ll be the one who has to hear it.”
“Isaac, first,” I answered sharply, “it is as you say, the house is mine, and there is your excuse, but let me tell you right now that you are not been charitable at all with Joseph. It seems to me that you have forgotten how much he has done for us all.”
“But this Joseph is not the same Joseph we once knew…”
“What’re you saying?” I interrupted abruptly, “He is and will always be our most dear friend.”
“No, Ahasver, he is an apostate…, and he brings with him other heretics. Do you have any idea of what people are saying about this sect?”
“Isaac, I thought you wiser! Don’t you know that in this town there’s always something to be said about everyone? The Zealots criticize the Pharisees, and these the Saducees, and none of them tolerate the Essenes, expelled from the city as impure.”
“There are divisions in our faith, I will not deny it.”
I did not want nor was I in a mood for religious discussions with my brother. I had learned that when it came to talk about faith, rational arguments weighed almost nothing, and Isaac was obviously the wrong kind of believer to be dissuaded by reason.
“Well then, I leave it to you, to do as you wish. I just wanted you to know that the house is unavailable this year, but I would like us, as a family, to be together for the rituals, as we have always done.”
He finally gave in, but, not before making it known that he would not tolerate any Nazarenes for the seder, and by the tone of his voice he obviously meant Joseph too.
If Isaac was my real brother, a companion since childhood, Joseph was almost a father, and it was sad having to choose between one and the other. But Joseph, after I gathered sufficient courage to break the news to him, was as understanding as Ruth had predicted, accepting well the situation.
“Let us not forget, Ahasver, the pesach is above all else a time of remembrance, to be celebrated in family. Since the time of Moses, it has been our custom to share the rituals and the seder with one’s own. And don’t you concern yourself with me. Aft
er all, I now have many more brothers than you, a truly large family.”
In those few days, almost all spent in the company of Joseph, we took time to revisit the city, where I showed him some of the more recently completed buildings, and also visited the Temple almost daily. I also took him to see and meet with some of his older friends, including Gamaliel, who received him enthusiastically. I found it odd that their long talk was mostly about worldly matters and neither talked at length about religion and beliefs. Later, when I asked the Rabban why he had not tried to reason with Joseph about his erroneous faith, he replied that it would have been a waste of time and a strain on their friendship. It was too clear to him that Joseph was way beyond any hope of returning to our true faith.
On the day before the seder, during one of our visits to the Temple, we spotted Saul and his companion Silas, seated by the stairs under the colonnade, in lively discussion. Joseph did not want to interrupt them, but they saw us and hurried over.
“Brother Joseph!” a visibly agitated Saul waved as he stood and came up to us dragging Silas along.
As they came nearer I could see that Saul was not only nervous but was also stammering. Certainly something very significant had happened for him to be in such a state.
“We did it, brother Joseph! We have just arrived here. I wanted to thank the Lord immediately.”
Whatever it was, Joseph was aware of it, as he smiled and silently nodded in satisfaction, and the three embraced, a very unusual behavior in that particular space. Soon others started to comment and looking sharply at them. Suddenly aware of the stares, they separated, and both Saul and Silas came to greet me and went off towards the inner courts to pray.
“Joseph, what is it?" I asked, too curious to wait for any voluntary clarification.
“Ahasver, a true miracle!”
That surprised me, but then I immediately remembered how voracious the Nazarenes were for miracles and such like. As common in their ideology as rare in all others.
“A true miracle, you say ?”
“Yes, Ahasver.”
“Someone was cured? Or is it another resurrection?” I asked mockingly.
“The world!” saying it with conviction, “Now we can save the whole world.”
I certainly didn’t get it. And as he looked at me, he could see how confused I was with his answer.
“Ahasver, let us sit there. I feel a bit weak” pointing to a stone bench close to one of the Temple’s entrances.
I waited for him to explain more, but he really seemed short of breath and all too reluctant to proceed.
“Ahasver, we better talk later, this is not the right place, it is hot, and I think I should lie down for a bit. These walks of ours are taxing my resistance.”
“Of course, Joseph, whenever you want, and we should return home. Ruth is very particular about meal times and I do believe she has a surprise for us today.”
We rented a litter to take us up to the house, as Joseph was in no condition to climb all the way.
Later in the afternoon, Saul, Silas and Barnabas came by the house, and they all retired to Joseph’s quarters until dusk. When I saw them again they were in the courtyard, and Joseph called me over to join them.
“Ahasver, we are leaving now, and we’ll be back after the Shabbat.”
I was a little surprised with this sudden departure, as Joseph had not mentioned before that he would be going away that evening, and we said our farewells and wished one another a good pesach.
The next day was the beginning of the festival and of the sacrifices, and we all went to Temple as a family to fulfill the traditional rites. As night fell we went to Isaac’s house for the seder. When I returned home with Ruth, we stayed for a while up in the terrace, and I told her about the day’s events at the Temple. She didn’t have an opinion either of what could have possibly happened for them to call it a miracle, but I could see that she was determined to find out.
On the day of Shabbat, I stayed at home during the morning, and later in the afternoon I went with Isaac to the Temple, now filled to capacity with the faithful and with many Gentiles who usually came to visit and sightsee at such occasions.
“It’s strange. I can’t see any Messianics here today,” commented Isaac nervously, “and so many Gentiles today…”
“They could be anywhere. There are so many people here.”
“They are usually over there,” he said, pointing out, “and Joseph? Is he back?”
“No, he said he would be back after the Shabbat.”
“I do hope they are not up to some of their tricks. The Romans are always jumpy at these times.”
“Seems to me that they aren’t the only ones” I answered looking at him.
Joseph did return in the next day, this time alone. As we greeted, he enquired about the pesach and asked when I was planning to return to Caesarea.
“I usually stay in town for about two weeks. There are always things to do, but why? You want to go back already?”
“Saul wants to leave as soon as possible.”
“For Antioch?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Are you going with him?”
“Yes, Ahasver, I’m going with them, and if the Lord wills it, I’ll go with them in their missions to spread the words and teachings of the Messiah.”
“Well then, we’ll go too, if that’s your wish, but give me two days to wrap things up here.”
Once agreed, I soon let Ruth know of our imminent departure. I had noticed that she wasn’t too keen in staying in Jerusalem for much longer. And that night, the three of us once more laid up in the terrace after dinner.
“Reverend Joseph, can you tell us about the miracle?” she asked.
I could see that he was caught unaware by the question. Our conversation so far had been of a more mundane nature, but he reluctantly agreed to answer, which also surprised me. He had been so emphatic about it on that day.
“I did speak of a miracle, didn’t I, Ahasver?” he asked hesitantly.
“Yes, Joseph. You were very enthusiastic about it” I answered with some irony, as it now looked as if the so called miracle was not all that wondrous.
“Well, to understand it and what it really means, I have to go back in time and explain what we have been doing in Antioch, or to be more accurate, what Saul and Barnabas, have been doing with the Lord’s blessing.”
He went on, as neither of us wanted to interrupt his train of thought.
“Our Messiah said in various instances, and I think it is stated very clearly in that codex that you both read, that all men are worthy and deserve to be saved, and not just our Judaean brothers.”
“Yes, we have heard of it, you are talking of conversions” said Ruth.
“Exactly, and many have converted indeed. Saul and Barnabas have traveled extensively, preaching the word in many lands, in Cyprus, in Lycia, in Cilicia and even in Galatia.”
“Joseph,” I interrupted, “but why all this effort and urgency with these conversions? I don’t see other religions doing it so keenly, certainly not our Pharisaic or Sadducean brethren doing anything like it.”
“It’s very simple, Ahasver. These others you mention are nothing more than sprouts of the same tree, and what they basically profess is just slight variations of the same belief, like details in regard to interpretations of the scriptures, differences in behavior towards some rites, and so on.”
“Isn’t your faith also one of these sprouts?”
“Of course. Let us not forget that Yeshua too was a devout believer.”
“Well then…”
“The difference is that Messianism is the result of the personal sacrifice of the Messiah, and His promise goes far beyond the narrow course of our traditional beliefs. The very same beliefs that those others claim to be the only and true religion.”
“But…”
“Wait, Ahasver, let me finish. The second reason is the Spirit, our divine inspiration, the certainty of the right path to salvation.
That is the path that those who believe in Yeshua must follow, but to do so they must understand the way. And that is why we have this divine mission to teach everyone on how to achieve it. Through His words and His teachings.”
I could understand that it was pointless to contradict him. Once more, my path, a path through reason and argument would lead us nowhere.
“But, reverend Joseph, what about the miracle?" insisted Ruth, not satisfied with his meandering thoughts
“This miracle I mentioned,” clearing his throat and reluctantly continuing, “well… it is basically the fact that our brothers have accepted Saul’s argument that we should allow for the conversion of the Gentiles without them having to fulfill all the commandments of the scriptures.”
“What? Which ones do you mean?” I asked, fearing an even more heretical answer.
“Some that are stated in the Torah.”
“To keep the Shabbat, for example?” I ventured.
“No, our main concern is with circumcision.”
I was stunned! And I couldn’t help asking scornfully.
“That is the miracle?”
“Yes, Ahasver. It is a miracle ! This is the miracle that we are taking to Antioch, to the Levant, to Greece, to Rome, to the whole world!”
It was truly abominable. How could they even have thought of such? But Ruth, always more sensible and less volatile asked.
“But Joseph, why is that so important?”
“Ruth, all Gentiles dislike and abhor circumcision, and if we continue to demand it from the newly converted we will not achieve our aim.” and he went on, “We cannot forget that our Messiah asked us to redeem all men. We cannot do it in time if we continue to demand for circumcision.”
“In time?" I asked intrigued.
“Time is against us, Ahasver. We know that the return of Yeshua is to be soon, and when the time comes all will be judged, and all who believe in Him and accept Him will be saved. How will we answer when He asks us why so few have heard of His word and follow His teachings?”
“But that is going against the most sacred commandments,” I answered, “we are the chosen people because we follow the commandments of the Lord,” and I added, “all commandments, not just the more convenient or the easier ones.”
“Yes, Ahasver, it is written, and was written many many generations ago, and followed with the utmost rigor so far, but even so, where are we as the chosen people? We are practically slaves of the Romans in our own land, spread throughout the world in communities that barely tolerate us, persecuted and imprisoned by conquerors, ruled by tyrants and despots… it is all too obvious for us that the Lord is not pleased with His people.”
“If I were you, Joseph, I would not venture to interpret the will of the Lord. Anyway, our destiny is unaltered. We may have to suffer, but we do know that our messiah will come to save us, it is written.”
“It is indeed, and the prophecy has come true in Yeshua. By His words we know that we have gone astray from the true path, and to His followers He has given the mission to prepare all mankind for His return. It is the voice of the Lord spoken by His son Yeshua.”
It was the voice of heresy I was now listening to. The same absurdities that I had heard before.
“And this miracle was granted by Yeshua? Or was it the men, the brothers, who have now decided to ignore a holy commandment?”
“They are His disciples, Ahasver, mandated by Him to speak in His name, and divinely inspired by the holy Spirit. Only them can speak and decide under His authority.”
Once more Joseph’s credulity supplanted any possible counter-argument.
“You mean to say that our scriptures can be changed by these followers of Yeshua?” it was my last attempt to reason it out. Even I began to think that if this conversation lasted much longer, I would start blaspheming too.
“Once we accept the nature of Yeshua as the son of the Lord, then any such change can only be by His will and desire.”
“But you just said it was done by his disciples.”
“Ahasver, not as mere mortals, such as you or I, but through the Spirit who instigates and inspires such deeds.”
“In other words, these brothers believe to be divine too, appointed as such by this spirit" and with some repulse, and not even waiting for further comments, I stood up “Joseph, I am truly sorry but no one capable of rational thinking could ever believe such trifle.”
But I was really astonished, and I couldn’t understand how a man, such as Joseph, could ever accept an argument so divergent from our most profound beliefs, and all because of some divine inspiration by a group of almost illiterate men who followed the teachings of another who was executed for sedition and heresy.
It suddenly dawned on me, from the logic of that dialogue, why there were fanatics, men and women who were emotionally able to willingly stone someone to death in the name of religion. At that instant, I could almost sympathize with them!
As we all gathered on the morning of our departure for Caesarea, Joseph understood, as old friends always do, that I was still disturbed with our conversation of the previous night, and despite an apparent cordiality among all, we set off in awkward silences and evasive glances. The day promised to be warm and sunny, and the road was packed with pilgrims returning to their homes. I felt pity once more for Joseph, and even extended this feeling to his other companions, because I knew that they were wrong and that such errors would damn them all to eternal oblivion. And most of the journey was spent in innocent chatter and short dialogues.
In Caesarea, they once more stayed at the house and busied themselves with the arrangements for their journey to Antioch. Alleging urgent matters and impatient customers, I saw little of them during those days, but I was still feeling anguished with Joseph, recalling other moments and reliving memories of better days, simpler days. I lived with a sentiment of impotence, often looking at him as one looks at a condemned man, someone who was now way beyond any help, whose fate was already set, and far from the grace of the Lord.
Nights were spent in idle chatter, recalling other moments, speaking of friends, discussing the Romans and the Greeks, listening to his views on business issues and drawing plans and ideas for lucrative deals. His other companions seldom joined us, and Saul kept himself away more than the others, busily writing his long letters.
On the night before their departure, and as was customary, we were all laying on the couches in the terrace, when Ruth simply announced her desire to convert and that she would like Saul to baptize her.
Silence followed. Deep dark silence.
And then I couldn’t hear anything, neither the wind, nor the sea, or any other sound. It was if I had departed from that reality. I wasn’t there. I was nowhere. And it was their silent gazes, and not their words, that brought me back from that terrible limbo. And as my senses returned, my first impression was of loss, a loss so intense as the death of a beloved one. My second feeling was of anger, rage… I had lost the battle for Ruth.
If the death of my son had been the result of cruel and inevitable fate, the situation with Ruth was a personal defeat, overpowered, not by the inclemency of destiny, but taken away from me by the words and the promises of a long dead preacher, whose followers I had reluctantly helped, them who I now despised and hated, the very same who were there at that moment, under my own roof.
“Ahasver…”
It sounded like Ruth, it seemed to be her voice, but who was that woman who now stared at me? That face seemed familiar, but who was she, really? Had I ever truly known her? And those words… they wanted to drag me back, pull me again into a reality from which I wanted to escape.
“Ahasver…”
Joseph had now stood and came to me, visibly worried with my catatonic state. I stood up too, and I stumbled down the stairs in hurried and erratic steps. I wanted to leave, get far away from that instant, I wanted never to have been there, in that terrace and in that moment.
I called for the servants, asked for a horse, and
I rode out.
I went towards the port, dodging pedestrians and carts, passed by the temple of Augustus where I glimpsed men decorating part of the porticoes for some forthcoming festival. I felt the wind riding against me, and the smells of the marketplace following me, and I finally got off in the pallid sand of a murky and deserted beach where I sat staring at the erratic dances of lights on a ship sailing off on those viscous waters. I wanted to join them...
I eventually fell asleep on that humid and cold ground, a deep slumber, a dreamless shivering sleep, and when I woke, I realized that it was cold, a dense and gluey cold. It was still night, and now without my ride, I started on my way back into town, towards home.
Close to the harbor, I found some of the servants who were looking for me, and when I did arrive at the house, both Ruth and Joseph were waiting by the gate, both looking troubled and anxious and worried. But I just ignored them. I didn't hear their words or questions. I went up to my room and laid down fully dressed, without prayers or ablutions. I dreamed this time. A vivid dream, in blood-red hues, with shadows and shapes and indistinct characters speaking in muffled voices, all in an insane kaleidoscope of shapes and movements, and when I woke again, I just laid still, exhausted and sweaty.
Ruth came and left.
Joseph also came by and watched over me for a while.
They brought food and drink, and took it back untouched. And I kept to that lethargic inaction.
I did fall ill, physically. The cold of that night by the seashore did affect me, and for some days I lived under a blessed stupor, feverish and silent, occasionally interrupted by the presence of Ruth, who came to keep me company and to force on me some hot broths and medicinal teas. Some times I felt Joseph near, holding my hand or my arm, in muted support for my plight.
How old he looked.
How I pitied and hated him in those days.
My return was gradual, and for that I am grateful. Little by little I grew aware of what surrounded me, and reality slowly took shape again, bringing back the senses, the colors, the sounds and the odors. The darkness was abandoning me, faces were discernible once more. Chronos had once again come through for me.
Once more able to sit at the table, where we usually ate when there was just the two of us, Ruth told me that Joseph had departed, anguished for having to leave without seeing me well, and unable to say a proper farewell. I didn’t comment, and somehow I was relieved. I had never liked partings.
Seeing that I kept my silence, Ruth did not add anything more. Later on, I much regretted not having said my farewells to Joseph.
Later, I looked up at Ruth and announced.
“I am going away…”
She got up from the table, turned to leave, and answered.
“I know.”
That was what Ruth had always meant to me. She knew, even before I did, what I intended to do.
“Please sit.” I asked her, “If it is your desire to convert, I will not stand in your way. As your husband, I always understood that I had to care and protect you from harm. I obviously failed. Nor could I stop Yeshua from leaving us. I can clearly see that I cannot stop you from joining this sect. A sect that I brought into this house. I failed, and I will have to live with that guilt.”
“Ahasver…”
“No. Let me finish, and when I do, I will not speak of this again, ever.”
And I continued. “I have just told you that I will go away, and when I return I will go to live in another house. I am going to ask Ioanis to find me a place somewhere near. We will still see each other, I won’t stop looking after you, it is still my duty. But I cannot, and will not, live in the same house, in the company of my most dear friend who is now also my greatest failure.”
Nothing more was said between us that evening.
THE TRAVELLER