by Ava Jae
It takes everything in me not to rip him from the ground and beat him like he beat these men. My heart is screaming against my ribs and my blood is broiling as I check the human men passed out on the ground—alive, thank the stars—then crouch in front of the guy Fejn is checking over.
“Are you all right?” I ask, hating myself for asking as soon as the words are out of my mouth. Of course he’s not okay. He and his friends were just beaten within a breath of their lives while a crowd of people watched and cheered. While guards in the square did nothing to help them.
The man wipes blood off his mouth and chin with the back of his hand and spits red on the ground beside me. And as he looks right at me with a heated, cutting glare, he doesn’t have to say a single word for me to understand.
This is my fault.
35
Kora
With the suns rising over the crimson sands, painting the purple sky with streaks of pink, orange, and gold, with my mind thrumming and blood buzzing, Lira finishes my hair and sets out my clothes for the set.
I dress and don’t think about Uljen and face Lira with a thin smile.
Lira’s smile in return is genuine and unforced. “Beautiful as always.”
I nod and face myself in the mirror. My loose skirts and the wrap over my chest are customary enough—today my colors are light purple, pink, and silver. But even though I’ve been mostly leaving it uncovered, I haven’t looked at my scarred arm in earnest in a while, and the splash of shiny, warped skin still churns my stomach. But what am I so afraid of? If I’m being honest with myself, I sincerely doubt anyone else cares about this as much as I do—certainly no one has commented.
This is my skin, and Uljen was right all along. There’s no sense in hiding it.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I’m not thinking about Uljen yet.
“You seem distracted.”
I open my eyes and glance at Lira. “That obvious?”
“Mostly because I’ve grown to know you.” Lira smiles softly. “Do you want to talk about it, whatever it is?” She lowers her voice. “Is it Dima?”
I shake my head. “For once, naï. It’s …” I sigh and tuck some loose strands of hair behind my ear. “It’s Uljen. He … confessed his feelings for me and I have no idea how I’m supposed to respond. Or feel.”
“Well … do you like him?”
I press my lips together. “I do. But I’m not sure how deep those feelings run right now. And I … I’m not sure I want our relationship to develop into anything more than friendship. I’ve already lost Serek and Eros and I’m—I’m not sure I could go through that a third time.”
Lira tilts her head. “You haven’t lost Eros. You’re still friends, aren’t you?”
“Sha, but …” I sit on the edge of my bed. “We had the potential to be more than friends, once. He had feelings for me, and I him, but it … it wasn’t appropriate, given my position and his, and I was terrified of what a relationship with a half-blood would mean for both of us, and so I turned away from him. And he felt betrayed, so he moved on. And then Serek died and—” My voice croaks and I press my fist to my mouth.
Lira gently rests her hand on my shoulder and squeezes lightly. “You know, even if things with Eros had progressed initially, I don’t think it would have lasted.”
I glance at her. “What makes you say that?”
She lifts a shoulder. “Well now that he’s Sira and you’re Avra, it isn’t permitted to begin with, sha? And even if it was, a relationship dies when you can never see each other. And it’s not like you could ever permanently leave Elja or he could permanently leave Asheron. And then there’s Deimos, who is with him every moment from what I gather off the feed, and it seems the two of them are rather close.”
“Sha, I … I noticed that.”
“So I don’t think it would have worked out anyway. But the two of you still share a bond, and if I’m being honest, a friendship with the Sira is a very valuable friendship. So I don’t think your time together was wasted at all.”
She has a point, I suppose, though I’d never thought of it that way. I nod and she smiles.
“Besides, do you regret your time with Eros and Serek?”
“Naï, of course not.”
“Then what are you afraid of with Uljen? I mean, take your time—you don’t have to rush into anything. But I don’t see any harm in seeing where it goes. If being with him makes you happy, great, and if not, you move on with new memories.”
I laugh weakly. “You make a compelling argument.”
“Thank you. My mother used to say if winning arguments and debates were a profession, I’d be a wealthy woman.” I laugh. Lira smiles and pats my shoulder. “We should head out to the morning meal, sha? I’m sure Uljen is wondering what’s taking us so long.”
I nod and stand. “Thank you, Lira.”
“You don’t need to thank me. You pay me to help you, after all.” She winks and I laugh again. And we leave my bedroom with giggles on our lips and walk right into four guards in addition to my two sentry guards, apparently waiting outside my bedroom.
“Oh,” I say, stopping abruptly. “What is it? Is something wrong?”
“We have new information regarding Dima’s escape,” one of them says, and it takes every ounce of my self-control to keep my face neutral as my stomach plummets to my toes.
“I see,” I say carefully. “What sort of new information?”
“Regarding … someone who may have been involved in aiding the escape.”
Oh, Kala. What if they know? It sounds like they know. Who else could they mean? We obviously already knew Jarek was involved as he disappeared as well—unless, maybe they’re here to report about the guards who feigned ill and claimed to be asleep?
But then why would they send four guards to do it?
“Well?” I say, trying to sound impatient and not panicked. “Who is it? Who was involved?”
The guards all look at Lira and my breath catches in my chest. Naï.
“Lira d’Elja, you need to come with us for questioning regarding the escape of the criminal Dima d’Elja. Immediately.”
36
Eros
After ordering the military to disperse the crowds, establish an early curfew, get the humans medical attention, and put the guards who fucken watched and didn’t do a blazing thing on permanent leave; after watching the feeds with my eyes throbbing in my skull and my blood running heavily through me like liquid rock; after trying to juggle this secession shit, and the spreading disease, and restoring the nanite production, and getting the ship up and running, and figuring out how we’re going to keep track of humans who want to leave and where we’ll tell them to go, and trying to do all that while learning all the menial stuff I have to do to keep the city, the territory, the world running smoothly—
I’m not panicking. I’m not. Deep breath in, deep breath out, I’m okay, and one way or another we’re going to handle everything. One thing at a time. One step at a time.
But I don’t feel right, either.
Everything is fuzzy and Deimos is talking to me but his voice sounds far away. And I don’t remember walking to the dining hall to eat but we’re here. And food is out—some rice, veggie, meat mix—and there’s some moved around on my plate like I’ve been eating but I don’t … I don’t remember that.
How long have we been here?
“Maybe I shouldn’t have announced anything.” The words come out of my mouth but they feel wrong. Sound wrong—muffled.
My head is heavy and this brainblaze won’t quit and I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
“What do you mean?” Deimos is frowning at me—at least, I think he is. His face is kinduv blurry. Which is weird because I don’t have eyesight issues—at least, I don’t think I do.
I blink a couple times to focus on his face. Better. “Just … with the Earth thing. Exactly what I didn’t want to happen happened. Sepharon are attacking humans now like—to make them want to
leave even more. That’s not …” I rub my palms over my eyes. It’s so hard to focus on words, on anything.
But this—this too is familiar. I know this bone-deep exhaustion. I’ve been here before, in Dima’s dungeon—
The burning the pain the screaming—
“Eros? Eros, ej, look at me, shae? What’s wrong?”
Nothing. Everything. I need to sleep—really sleep—but I can’t because if I do I’ll remember everything again and again, and stars and suns above I don’t want to relive that dungeon and the death and the blood and please, I can’t, I can’t—
“Fejn, get a medic please.”
“Naï,” I say. “I’m-I’m fine. I don’t need a medic. I’m not panicking. I’m okay.”
Deimos shakes his head. “I’ve let you convince me to put this off for too long. You need help, Eros. The exhaustion is killing you.”
“I’m fine.”
“Eros—”
“I said I’m fine, Deimos!” My voice comes out louder than I meant and Deimos’s eyes widen. Fuck. I didn’t mean—“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to yell.”
Deimos purses his lips. “Okay. But please put the knife down.”
Knife? I’m gripping a knife. My fingers are wrapped so tight around the hilt my knuckles are pale and my hands are shaking. When did I grab a knife?
I release it and it clatters on the table. The shivering in my hands travels up my arms and into my chest. My teeth chatter and I grit my jaw and clench my fists and nothing is helping and fuck. I’m falling apart. I’m shaking to pieces and I can’t stop it. I can’t hold myself together.
“He hasn’t slept a full night in Kala knows how long,” Deimos is saying to someone. A man in a familiar uniform but I don’t remember what it means. When did he get here? I don’t remember him walking in here and he definitely wasn’t in here a mo ago. I’m losing time. Did I fall asleep or something? If I did, wouldn’t I remember waking?
The guy is frowning down at me deeply. “I should have asked for you sooner, I’m sorry,” Deimos says. “This is my fault.”
“I’m sure it’s not your fault, Deimos.” The man crouches in front of me and puts his hand on my shoulder, smiling gently. “El Sira, can you hear me?”
Why is he asking me that? “Sha.” I resist the urge to say obviously.
“Good. Do you remember the last time you’ve slept a full night? Deimos tells me it’s been a while.”
The answer is before the dungeon but I’ve lost count of the sets. “I don’t … I don’t know.”
“He was having sleep issues during the campaign, too,” Deimos says. “He told me this has been going on since Avra Kora d’Elja’s lifecycle celebration, at least.”
The medic arches an eyebrow. “That’s over a term ago.” He frowns at me, then looks at Deimos again. “Can you bring him to his bedroom? I’ll meet you there shortly. Thank you for calling for me. You did the right thing.”
Deimos gently pulls me up by my arm and I’m too tired to protest. Even walking feels funny. Heavy, like boulders are tied to my ankles.
But when I lie back in bed, I don’t want to dream. “This is a bad idea,” I mutter.
“It’ll be a dreamless sleep,” Deimos says. “Right?”
Oh. I guess the medic is here. Did I lose time again?
“Sha,” the medic says. “You won’t dream. To you, it’ll likely feel like you wake up as soon as you fall asleep, but in the meantime your body will get the rest it desperately needs.” He unpeels a wrapping off one of those sticky gel things and places it on the side of my neck. It stings a little. Barely. But the pain is a distant thing, easily ignored, and as Deimos slips his hand in mine, I drift away, holding on to him like a lifeline.
37
Kora
“We can’t just leave her to them!”
Uljen sighs and leans against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest with a grimace as I pace the space in front of my bed. “We can’t do anything.”
“You can’t do anything, perhaps, but I—”
“Kora, naï.” Uljen drops his arms and shakes his head. “Lira may not have been involved, but you were. You can interfere with this investigation or bring attention to yourself right now. If anyone learns—”
“No one is going to learn—”
“Lira is innocent, so they’ll find her innocent. You have nothing to worry about—they’ll interview her, go through the evidence, then let her go.” I stop pacing and bite my lip. When I glance at Uljen he frowns. “She … is innocent, isn’t she?”
I sigh. “She … we saw each other right after I allowed Dima and Jarek to escape. I don’t know what she was doing up, but she was awake and walking around.”
Uljen pinches the bridge of his nose. “Well. Have you considered she might not actually be innocent?”
“She didn’t even know Dima had escaped. She guessed but I never confirmed it.”
“Or she was pretending not to know and her so-called guess was conveniently right.”
I shake my head. “She didn’t know. And she had no motivation to help him. Not to mention I would have seen her there with the guards that did allow her to escape.” I frown. “They’re likely putting the blame on her to protect themselves.” I stop pacing and take a deep breath. “I’m not going to let her take the blame for this.”
“Naï? Then what will you do? Confess? They will kill you, Kora.”
“Naï, I’m not going to confess.” I bite my lip. “But I don’t think I have to.”
“Whatever you’re thinking, it’s a terrible idea. You should let the sands uncover this as they will. This is too risky for you, especially given your involvement.”
I scowl at him. “How could you just let her take an undeserved punishment?”
“Well she was doing something that night.”
“She was thirsty and got a drink and ran into me, Uljen. That’s it. She doesn’t deserve to take the blame for this!” I take a deep, calming breath. “And if you insist on being cynical, then you should probably consider Lira saw me that night and could mention that to the guards to save herself.”
Uljen makes a low noise like a growl, turns away and clenches his hair as he curses into the quiet. When he turns back, he looks about ready to commit a crime himself. “I can’t believe you put yourself in this position. You’re too important to be implicated in this, Kora. How could you?”
“I wouldn’t take this back even if I could.” I pull my shoulders back and look Uljen in the eye. “I won’t sit back and allow her to suffer for this. It’s my duty to protect her.”
“Naï, Kora. It was your duty to accept Kala’s decision whether you liked it or not.”
I turn away from him and march for the door. “Last I checked, I don’t worship the panel of Eight.”
Given that the cooling system still isn’t working due to the damaged nanites, the cells are cooler than I expected. Though I suppose that makes sense, as the entire complex is underground.
I walk through the halls with my head held high, my simmering anger boiling over my shoulders. I want everyone to see me coming. I dare them to try to stop me.
Of course, no one does, which is just as well.
There are two guards standing outside the main dungeon entrance. They glance at each other uncertainly as I approach like a whirling sandstorm. I storm right up to them and look them in the eye. “I demand Lira is released immediately. She wasn’t involved in Dima’s escape and it is unlawful to detain an innocent.”
“That’s … el Avra, with all respect, how can you be sure?” one guard asks. “We’ve received evidence that indicates she may have been involved, and while we can’t yet be sure—”
“What evidence?”
The guard blinks. “I … I’m sorry?”
“What evidence do you have that Lira was involved in the escape?”
“El Avra, you know we can’t discuss that,” the second guard says. “It would threaten the integrity of the investigation.”
“Fine. Well whatever evidence you think you have is irrelevant because I know Lira was nowhere near the cells the night of the escape.”
Both guards frown. “How could you possibly know that?” the first asks.
I take a deep breath. “Because she was with me the entire night.”
They glance at each other. “And … where were you, el Avra?”
“In my bedroom, naturally. Where else would I be in the middle of the night?”
The first guard’s frown deepens. “What was she doing in your bedroom in the middle of the night?” But I think the second guard understands what I’m implying, because he nudges his partner. Just to make a point, though, I make it utterly clear for them.
“We were together,” I say firmly. “The entire night. So I know for certain she couldn’t have been in the cells, because she was in my bed with me.”
They stare at me, wide-eyed, as the first of the two slowly purples. But the guides aren’t permitted in the halls near the royal bedrooms, and the ones in the dungeon were disabled, so there’s absolutely no footage of us anywhere near the cells that night.
It’s my word against theirs. And I’m ken Avra.
“So,” I say. “Are you going to release her? Or shall I do it myself?”
PART III
38
Eros
Sixteen sets have passed since I started medicating nightly to sleep—which has, gratefully, been working—and I would’ve hoped half a term ago that things would be better by now, but I guess that was hoping for too much because—well.
With the capital under curfew, territories still preparing to secede, humans getting impatient on updates on the ship, the plague worse than ever even with the medics swearing they’re on the verge of a cure, and having to quarantine and test everyone who enters the palace grounds, Kosim hanging on, but just barely, not to mention not being any closer to figuring out how the hell to handle the Remnant since we can’t exactly just throw out the whole damn monarchy—