“I don’t know what’s going on, but this man needs some sleep. He said he doesn’t sleep very well.”
“He has a lot of nightmares and night terrors so, to avoid them, he doesn’t sleep.” Another long pull. I grabbed the bottle. “Henry, you have got to stop this drinking.”
“I can’t,” he said, looking at me with lifeless eyes. “It’s the only thing that makes all of this bullshit tolerable! If I drink enough, it makes everything quiet in my head.” He tried to snatch the bottle back, but he was already off-kilter.
“Henry…Henry, look at me!”
“I can’t do this anymore, Elaina. I can’t.”
“Henry, you know that’s not an option. Let Addie change your bandage, and I’ll get you settled into bed. Okay?” He nodded. I got up and walked out of the bedroom. As soon as I shut the door, I began to shake all over. I knew what I had to do.
I went through all of our stuff, grabbing every bottle of booze I could find. I tried to get as many as I could before he saw me. Claire hurried over when she saw what I was doing. There were dozens and dozens of bottles, plus a lot of empties. Oh god, so many empties. I had no idea he was drinking that much. I started to cry when it hit me.
Henry was an alcoholic. I turned and looked at Claire. “He’s an alcoholic… Claire, my Henry is an alcoholic,” I said in a hushed tone as the tears poured from my eyes.
Claire put her hand on my arm. “I know. I saw the signs a while ago, but I didn’t want to say anything much more than I was already implying. People get defensive when you make a statement like that.”
“Oh, my god, Claire. What am I going to do?” My hands shook as they covered my face.
“There is nothing you can do. He has to want to stop.”
“He can’t. He just said he can’t. I don’t know what that means. What does that mean? Does it mean he’s tried to stop, or does it mean he doesn’t want to stop? I don’t know what it means, Claire! I don’t know what it means! What do I do?”
“You just have to be there for him. Support him. That’s all you can do for him right now.”
“I am! Every damn day I tell that man what he means to me. He’s everything to me. I can’t handle watching him abuse himself like this.”
“Let’s take this out back before he comes out.” Nick and Thomas jumped up and helped us.
By the time we walked the bottles out to the barn and came back, everyone else had settled down for the night. Addie had made up our beds, and Henry was already shirtless and passed out face first into his pillow, lightly snoring. I stood there for a moment, staring at the tribal wings on his back rise and fall at a slow tempo. I worried that they would become real.
Then I joined everyone in the kitchen. Addie stood, leaning up against the counter. “How long has he been drinking?” she asked.
“I don’t know. Since I met him, he’s always had a drink in his hand. Sometimes more than others. There were several occasions that he would stay at my apartment because he was too drunk to drive. Now that I think about it, he always drank a lot. More than anyone I knew. I thought he was just having a drink, or had a high tolerance, you know?” I shook my head. “He’s been through a lot, Addie. I can’t even get into it all, but it’s really bad stuff.”
“I understand.”
“I don’t know how to help him.” I wiped the tears away with my sleeve.
“You can’t help him. He has to work through this himself. Hiding the booze won’t help him.”
“I thought about dumping it, but maybe you could use it to barter with if you needed to.”
“I appreciate that. You’re a very sweet girl, Elaina. All of you are good people. I adore each and every one of you.”
“He looks at you like a mother. He said you are the closest thing he has ever had to a mother since…”
She held up her hand. “Thank you,” she choked out. “I appreciate the compliment. I’m going to go to bed. See you in the morning.” She reached out and cupped my cheek with her hand. She hurried out of the kitchen, and I followed behind.
Claire and Nick headed to bed, and I lay down next to Henry. He moaned and rolled over. I snuggled up against him, spooning him, holding him tight.
I wondered why I never realized before that he was an alcoholic, but I could understand why he would want to drink himself into oblivion, or even death. He just wanted a moment to forget, to not remember the war within himself. My sweet, sweet Henry was so full of agony.
Chapter 40
I
woke up as the sun began to rise. When I realized I was alone in bed, I sat straight up. Thomas and Shay were asleep, and the house seemed quite still. I stood up and looked out the front window. The grass was frosty. I wondered where Henry was. I headed to the back window in the kitchen, and I didn’t see him out back, either.
My heart began to race. I ran back into the living room and grabbed one of Henry’s hoodies, and put on my fraying, gore-speckled sneakers. I grabbed my Sig and made sure it was loaded. Then I quietly headed out the front door. I worried that he had done something stupid because he was so upset the night before.
It was so cold outside that my teeth chattered when I stepped out of the house. I looked around in panic mode. Then it occurred to me that he was probably in the barn. I ran into the barn and called his name.
“Up top,” he said. My body slumped in relief, knowing he was still alive. I worried that he had put a bullet in his head.
I climbed the ladder, and saw him sitting with his knees pulled into his chest, watching the sunrise. He had his ball cap on, hiding himself. My heart sunk when I saw an empty bottle next to him. Immediately, that lump rose in my throat. I tried to swallow it, but it wasn’t going anywhere so I sat down next to him.
Henry didn’t say anything for the longest time as cried, but then he softly spoke, “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” I managed to croak out.
“Love, don’t cry over me. I’m not worth it.” That felt like ten thousand daggers in my heart. I clutched my chest, and the tears poured down my face.
“How long have you been drinking?”
“Drinking in general? Or drinking like I am now?” I looked over at him and noticed he had another bottle open in between his legs. “I guess it doesn’t matter, does it?” He sighed. “I started drinking when I was sixteen, after my first really severe beating. I was hospitalized for a while. The pain killers weren’t doing a damn thing so I tried booze.”
“Where did you get the alcohol?”
“Stole it.” Of course, I thought. How else would he have gotten it? “My heavy drinking started about a year later.”
“So you’ve been doing this for about a decade, give or take?”
“Yeah, I suppose so.” It was like it hadn’t occurred to him he had been boozing it up for so long.
“Henry…”
He interrupted me. “I tried to shake it a few times. One time, I went about six months without a drink. Sophie used to plead with me to stop every time she would find me passed out in weird places. She gave up, and figured I would eventually stop.”
“Where would she find you?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know the answer to that question.
“Closets, benches in the courtyard at the facility, the weight room, her bed…” he mumbled. “When I moved to the States, I would think about why I was here. It’s the only way I could get myself not to think, cloud my thoughts. Quiet my mind. Before I met you, I would hang out at Cam’s bar quite often, drinking and picking up women.” He tipped back the bottle. I felt a hot streak of jealousy run through me. I knew he slept with other women besides Sophie, but I didn't want to think about them.
“Henry, it’s so early for you to be drinking this much.” He set the bottle down. “I want to help you, but I don’t know how. Tell me how.”
He chuckled a little. “There’s no help for me, Elaina. This is my life.”
“I don’t like this.”
“I don’t like it
either.”
“Then stop!” The anger rushed through me. He looked down at the wood flooring between his legs.
“I can’t!” His frustration radiated off of him. He tipped the bottle back again. “I drink more than you realize, Elaina. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night, those nights when I can’t sleep or I wake up from nightmares. Mornings before you wake, like today…”
“You’re going to kill yourself with this! Maybe this is why you have been starting to turn quicker than before.”
“It could be.” He had zero concern in his voice.
“You are killing yourself! How can you be so nonchalant?” He didn’t respond right away. I looked at him. His jaw was clenched and the muscles were twitching. His eyes were growing wetter.
“How else am I supposed to look at it? What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. I just want you to be better. You’re a mess. You have anger issues, you have health issues, you have drinking issues. I don’t know how to deal with it all!” I hid my face in my hands.
“Love, please don’t cry over me. I beg you.”
“I can’t help it. I love you so much. I can’t live without you.”
“You could, you know. You can be one tough bird at times.”
“Are you trying to kill yourself?” He sat silently, staring at the sun. “Henry…please tell me you want to get better.”
“I’m not ready yet. You just have to live with that for now. When I am ready, I’ll shake it.”
“Don’t punish yourself for everything. It’s not all your fault!”
“Elaina…no offense, but you have no idea what the fuck I go through every single day. My body is riddled with pain. My brain aches. My joints ache. My muscles ache. My thoughts are dark. My memories are even darker.”
“I’ve come to the conclusion that the Henry I initially met was a phony.”
“No, don’t say that. I did fall in love with you the moment we locked eyes. I couldn’t believe it. It was an amazing feeling. That man is in here somewhere.”
“I want that Henry back. Your explosive behavior is hard to deal with.”
“I know. I’m so sorry for dragging you into my fucked up mental state.” He looked at his bandaged hand, and I could see that he was ashamed.
“I see glimpses of the real Henry. When we make love, you take me places. I feel like I travel to a place of no worry, no sadness, and no despair. But then when it’s over, it’s over. I feel like I’m only connecting with you in that way now.”
“I’m glad I can make you feel whole sometimes.” He turned and looked at me. “Please understand that my heart beats for you. I love you so much. You accept me, even though I’m so fucked up.”
“That’s what love is. Unconditional. I may not love everything you do, but I love you so goddamned much. You are amazing. You just haven’t realized it yet.”
“Then give me some examples of this amazing Henry that you think you see glimpses of.”
“Look how you are with Julianna. She adores you.”
“I saved her. Of course she does!” He turned back to face the sunrise, and took another drink.
“Stop it! She adores you because you are sweet and caring. You treat me well. You try to make me feel better if I’m sad or upset. You love me with everything you have.”
“You’ve taught me that,” he mumbled.
“Regardless… You’re so tender and loving. When we make love, I feel like you are so in tune with me and my body.”
“That’s because I love you so much. I want to make you feel amazing, beautiful, loved, and cherished.”
I sat quietly for a moment. Then I said, “Can I just say that you are pretty amazing in that department?” He smiled shyly. “I’m not kidding, Henry. I don’t know where you learned everything, and I don’t want to know, but you really rock me.”
“Every guy likes to hear stuff like that.” He put down the bottle and turned to me. “Elaina, I’m so sorry I’m doing this to you. I’ll stop at some point. I’m just not ready yet.”
“I guess that’s all I can go on right now.” He leaned into me and kissed me. I ignored his whiskey-tainted breath. I grabbed his hat and chucked it. “I hate that thing. It hides your beautiful face.” He crawled up on me as I laid back.
For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why I needed him right then, but my body ached for his touch. I almost thought it would help him if we connected in that way. His hands were frantic, pulling off my shirt and then his. He was trying to get our jeans off at the same time. I rolled him over and yanked mine off, then his. He was ready for me.
I made him sit up against the barn wall. As I straddled him, he directed himself into me. I groaned as his length went deep and his thickness stretched me to the max. I kissed the beautiful, fucked up being that sat beneath me. His cold hands cupped my breasts, and my body shivered. I wanted to make him better, and the only way I could comfort him was by taking him. I rocked my hips and he tipped his head back, breathing hard. I only saw the whites of his eyes.
“Oh God, Elaina…you feel so fucking good,” he rasped as he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in closer and tighter. He rocked with me. We were one once again. I cried out as I reached my peak. I was breathless as I looked down at him, and he had a smile on his face. “I love watching you release. You look so beautiful.”
“It’s your turn.”
“No. I want to see you let loose again.” He reached down and started massaging my little swollen nub. Instantly, my body reacted to his cool, pleasurable touch. “Come on, love. Give it to me again,” he whispered as he kissed his way around my neck.
“Henry…” I moaned.
“I want to fuck you.” He pulled me off of him and I felt empty for a moment.
I lay down beneath him, and he slammed himself into me. He pounded me with fury. I screamed as I peaked again. How was he able to do that to me? He groaned. I knew he was getting close. I could feel the slight tremble building in his body. He stopped himself.
“What?”
“I don’t want it to end yet.” He kissed me softly and passionately, moaning as I adjusted my hips to pull him in further.
He pulled out and picked me up, carrying me to the wall of the barn. I watched his face as he eased himself into me while he held me up. His jaw slacked, and his eyes rolled again. He groaned so deep that his chest vibrated against mine.
“Jesus Christ…give it to me again, Elaina,” he said, with such a rasp that I couldn’t wait for him to get me there again. He slowly rocked in and out of me, panting with each slow torturous stroke. “Come on, love…again.”
He ran one hand down my body and reached around, grabbing onto my ass. He ran his fingers over all of my sensitive places. I was exhausted, but I wanted to fall apart just for him. I wanted to make him happy.
He pulled out again and dropped to his knees. His tongue ran all over my wetness. I fisted his hair and pressed his head into me deeper. I wanted more and more, and he did just that. I exploded again, screaming in ecstasy.
Henry laid me back down and gently took me again. I couldn’t handle much more of his torture. My body was so fatigued, and I could see he was getting spent himself. He rocked me, bringing himself right to the edge. His body convulsed and his face twisted as he hissed. Oh no, he was hurting. I didn’t want him to hurt. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, pulling him closer to me. Then he stopped and lay limp on top of me.
“Henry?”
“I’m sorry.” He pulled out.
“But you didn’t…”
“I’m in need. Badly.”
“So bad you can’t finish?”
“I want to, but it hurts too much.”
“Please. I want you to finish. I’ll take you.” He reluctantly sat up against the wall again and I straddled him. He moaned as his slicked arousal found my core. With just a couple good rocking motions of my hips, he struggled to stay afloat.
“Let yourself go, lover,” I said in his
ear. Just as I instructed, he exploded into me.
“Fuck!” he shouted. He hissed, and then growled in pain. I wrapped my arms around him, and held on for dear life. He began to cry into my shoulder.
“Lover...”
“I hate asking you. I hate needing. I fucking hate it all! The only thing that makes me feel good is being with you. And even then, at times, my body betrays me.” I hushed him. “I can’t escape the pain. It will harass me until the very end.” I didn’t know what to do for him, except to sit there and hold him.
Then out of nowhere, he shoved me off of him.
“Henry!”
“Just go.”
“No!”
“Elaina, leave me alone. Please, go.” He grabbed his clothes and dressed quickly. His eyes were graying. I sat there looking at him, stunned. He tossed my clothes at me. “I said, go!” he raged. He grabbed the bottle and sucked down a good amount while he paced. He had made a decision, and he wasn’t going to tell me what it was.
As the sun rose higher, I saw the reflection of light where he was sitting before. His Sig. Then it dawned on me. “No, because if I walk back inside the house, you are going to kill yourself. I can’t let you do that. I won’t let you do that!”
“Elaina, go now!” he screamed at me and threw the bottle at the barn wall, causing it to shatter. I didn’t want to walk away from him, but he was getting explosive, and that Henry scared the hell out of me.
I dressed hastily and practically jumped from the second floor as I went down the ladder. Through the windows, I saw everyone was milling around as I ran up to the house.
“Nick!” I yelled as I blew through the front door. “Nick, I need your help.”
“What’s wrong?” He came running out of the kitchen.
“It’s Henry.”
“Where is he?”
“The barn. Be careful. He has a gun.”
“Okay.” He looked confused for a minute, but then looked at Claire. She nodded.
“I need to get his pack.” I rummaged through our belongings. Nick ran out the back door. My whole body was shaking. “I need his pack. I have to find his pack!”
Broken Dreams Page 63